captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh media access group at access.wgbh.org ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ [ laughter ] shut up, you guys. shut up, you guys. [ telephone rings ] [ chinese accent ] hello, chitty wok. take order, please. [ laughter ] hello, is this city wok? yes, this chitty wok. [ laughter ] yes, we'd like one order of the city beef. chitty beef. [ laughter ] and i'll have the city chicken. chitty chicken. [ laughter ] oh, dude, look -- it's that commercial with the guy that lost 400 pounds eating at subway sandwiches. [ blues music plays ] ♪ he's still looking good ♪ his name is jared ♪ his name is jared ♪ and he likes to eat the sandwiches ♪ hey, fellas. hey

they're entitled to health care, to food, to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, new trouble for the romney campaign, get ready for the rafalka sex tape. (laughter) and a major legal victory for apple. but it will be replaced with a faster, slimmer legal victory in six months. (laughter) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! come on! (audience chanting "stephen") folks-- (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i've got to tell you, no matter-- sometimes i think the world is a dark cave, but you are always my light at the end of the tunnel. (laughter) welcome to th to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. nation, i have always ha

captioning sponsored by wpbt captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> join us anytimet nbr.com. there, you'll find full episodes of the program, complete show transcripts and all the market stats. also follow us on our facebook page at bizrpt. and on twitter @bizrpt.

good night. [ applause ] captioning funded by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org cuisine here at jones all about? >>> i have to say everything from the brussels sprouts to mushroom bacon and cauliflower just amazing. my favorite was asian reds. fifth ribs. the names of the drinks celebrate the city. the sedan bran >>> it is great for the customers. >>> everyone kind of enjoys and likes to look get you. we have everything from porn stars that live in the building parade across the street there is a 96 year-old woman that calls are self the grandmother of the san francisco. >>> heat lamps and help take the chill off of the night. jones is all about being a unique rooftop space. for more information a log on to our website. >>> welcome back to eye on the bay. herrara on san tanner wrote in san jose, we are continuing to explore the bay area is rooftops. i am out here it outside hotel valencia. that something fabulous. you need not to take just one elevator, but it to elevators to get here. in the view is well worth the journey. there she is. >>> hello thuy. this is m

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonighte mile high city it's the democratic national convention. guess who's coming to denver? starring a black guy, white liberal guilt, and featuring the comedy styling of uncle grumpy. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> very nice to see you tonight, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. you're very kind. you're really very kind. please. i'm getting winded. my name is jon stewart. thursday night here in denver. senator evan bayh of indiana will be joining us as the democratic national convention reaches its peak. let's get right out to aasif mandvi live in mile high stadium, invesco field. aasif mandvi, thanks for joining us. wow, what a night, what a night. >> yeah. just minutes ago barack obama finished his -- his historic acceptance speech. wow, what a speech it was. >> yes. we were all watching it here. >> so you saw him talk about hope? >> yes, hope. and that part

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org invesco >> tonight, from the mile-high city, it's the democratic national convention. guess who's coming to denver. starring barack obama. the delegation from party town. and so many dreams to crush, we had to build a stadium. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: thank you very much. we're delighted to be here. thank you so much. thank you to the center for the performing arts at the university of denver being kind to us all week long and we've learned something about colorado that i want to share with you, there is absolutely no middle ground in this state. we were either a rapture-awaiting promise keeper. or you drive a car that runs on gorp. next week, of course, we'll be at a much lower altitude in st. paul, minnesota, covering the republican convention. obviously, so much more oxygen and yet somehow even harder to breathe. invesco field, 84,000 revellers, the first presidential acceptance speech visible from space but before we get to barack obama, pleas

. ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org we test-droveamry, took it on the freeway, and it was just like -- this was the car for me. [ ryan ] it has stuff that guys like, like the rims and the sleekness to the body. and, then, had the bluetooth and the navigation that diana really wanted. [ diana ] and it was a sport edition, so it felt really grounded to the ground. [ man ] grounded to the ground? yes, yes! grounded to the ground. [ male announcer ] see their story and more at the camry effect. camry. from toyota. ♪ look out baby 'cause here i come ♪ ♪ and i'm bringing you a love that's true ♪ ♪ so get ready ♪ so get ready just trying to look our best. gonna take more than looks. from what i hear, ms. haskins is a toughy. oh we had a good breakfast, so we're ready. [ female announcer ] packed with fiber and nearly a day's worth of whole grains. kellogg's frosted mini-wheats cereal... keeps 'em full. keeps 'em focused. kelltweet it frosted mini-wheats cereal... be surprised be productive. make a sale make some lunch make it movie night. p

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, new trouble for the romney campaign, get ready for the rafalka sex tape. (laughter) and a major legal victory for apple. but it will be replaced with a faster, slimmer legal victory in six months. (laughter) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, everybody, by the way, anything that was edited out of the president clinton interview that we couldn't fit on the show, we have put on the web, if it will fit. join us, leer it is your moment of zen. >> one last thought, you guys, when i was a boy, when i was a boy i used to think that becoming rich and becoming famous would make me happy. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you, everybody. but oh, you can tell a thursday crowd because they've already been drinking. (laughter) >> stephen: and i don't blame... i don't blame them for hitting the bottle, folks, because we are all suffering right now under the fatal-- failed presidency of barack obama. and don't tell me rescued the auto industry. because the last time i checked the 2013 chevy malibu d

see you next captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> a party too patriotic for facts. a candidate too successful for taxes; a city whose name sounds like tampon, from tampa, florida, this is the republican national convention, the road to jeb bush 2016. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. thank you so much for tuning in. we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even sit down to take a break from the unrelenting heat because the moment you form any kind of lap in the

applause) , that's it for "the report," captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ >> okay. okay. thank you. thank you. >> welcome to tosh.0. this is our first show. you're probably expecting to be blown away right out of the box. calm down. give this show a chance to grow on you. >> did you ever see seinfeld's first season? eh. okay, tonight we have comedian dave attell and adult film star bree olson. we also give the afro ninja a chance at web redemption. and if that's not enough we even gave kato kaelin a job. so let's get started. >> are you like me? do you lie awake at night and wonder how croutons are made? looks like all those little piggies had roast beef. [laughing] for those of you who don't know, this is called a crush video. it's a very specific fetish. don't believe me? check wikipedia or your creepy uncle. alright, enough, this is distur.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) you have my permission to vote. >> stephen: thank you so much. [crowd chanting] [crowd cheering] >> stephen: thank you for joining us. sit down everybody. i tell you, i tell you folks. what barack obama would give for enthusiasm like that. tonight we launch our coverage of the 2012 people's party congress of charlotte. this year they are hoping for a replay of four years ago when hoards of hope-addled lemmings cried as their dear leader orated between soaring greek columns. four years ago those were fake greek columns. this time it's the actual parthenon. [laughter] gresgreece sold it for a buck 7d a jug of tzatziki. folks, don't buy the hype the this convention is the biggest dog and pony show since last year when i tried to enter my palomino-doodle at westminster. [laughter] sorry banjo, they're bigots. anyway, tonight dnc dis-info-tainment line up features rahm emanuel, harry reid, jimmy carter, first lady michelle obama and congre

, mitt romney talks like he's only seen captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupess.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wg ♪ ♪ ( laughter> i think i can get america back from those who want to change this country. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you. folks, folks, it is thursday, the third and final and also fourth night of the republican national convention. tonight, are mitt romney officially accepts the nomination. >> i haven't seen his, i haven't seen his acceptance speech, but i know it was electric, or at least static electric. he is going to have to be good because last night was a barn burner and not just because the gop wants to cut funding to fire departments. they had, last night they had minority speakers, a bunch of them. whatever, whatever a group of minorities is called. a like a pride? a gaggle? a token. a token of minorities. folks, this is great, because romney is having a tough time attracting certain minorities. >> in the latest nbc wall street journal poll he is literally zero percent with african americans. the president is getting 94.0 s

applause) , that's it for "the report," captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ i'm ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ faces ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪emptai - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪to so ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪g ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ neighb - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪to sout

, mitt romney talks like he's only seen captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

(laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, the polls are not favoring mitt romney. great, first the british, now he's in trouble with polish people. (laughter) then, outrage in the n.f.l. though after a few more concussions who will remember? (laughter) and my guest, claressa shields, is the first woman to win gold in olympic boxing. i will float like a butterfly and ask questions also like a butterfly. (laughter) i have gotten a iphone 5! (cheers and applause) and apple maps says i'm in norway! this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the report." (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the report." please, thank you for joining us. i lost the emmy. (laughter) speaking of losing, mitt romney. (laughter) he has had a run of bad luck lately and this past weekend was no different. on saturday, ann romney's plane had to make an emergency landing after an

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) you have my permission to vote. >> stephen: thank you so much. [crowd chanting] [crowd cheering] >> stephen: thank you for joining us. sit down everybody. i tell you, i tell you folks. what barack obama would give for enthusiasm like that. tonight we launch our coverage of the 2012 people's party congress of charlotte. this year they are hoping for a replay of four years ago when hoards of hope-addled lemmings cried as their dear leader orated between soaring greek columns. four years ago those were fake greek columns. this time it's the actual parthenon. [laughter] gresgreece sold it for a buck 7d a jug of tzatziki. folks, don't buy the hype the this convention is the biggest dog and pony show since last year when i tried to enter my palomino-doodle at westminster. [laughter] sorry banjo, they're bigots. anyway, tonight dnc dis-info-tainment line up features rahm emanuel, harry reid, jimmy carter, first lady michelle obama and congre

, mitt romney talks like he's only seen captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> obama! obama! >> you didn't build that. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direction. folks, i don't want a bunch

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> and my guest drew gilpin faust is the president of harvard university. oh, i hope he's coming with a sikh envelope, the one-year anniversary of occupy wall street. remember, one is the pepper spray anniversary. this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. (cheers and applause) good to have you with us. please, ladies and gentlemen, please. take a load off. i don't know about you but i had a beautiful weekend. i was down in washington d.c. for the conservative values voters summit. not exactly a gala affair. for some reason the group fighting to defy gay people rights has trouble finding a competent party planner. but i tell you this, it is a great place to hear from prominent conservative voices like jan brewer, circumstance cameron, eric cantor and a 9 millimeter firing at a disk of birth-control pills. but folks-- (laughter) >> stephen: folks, only one speaker down there really appealed to the voters' heart and... well, just heart. >> we

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

(laughter) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - it's like a low-risk opportunity. so i'm looking forward to it, we'll see. all right, gentlemen. take care. see you soon. good looking out. take care. all right, man. all right, take care. see you. ooh. - [gasps] i'm a lefty, so-- [hip-hop music] ♪ [cheers and applause] yeah! - whoo! - all right, yeah. - all right! - thank you.

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jonwelcome to the daily show. my name is is jon stewart. we're back home, baby. back from the conventions. very excitedded tonight. on our program kofi annan will be joining us on the program. former secretary-general of the united nations. what an eventful week. remember the internet, the magical force that showered democracy on the middle east >> when you look at the arab spring, how were people able to amass in various places? twitter >> it's impossible to overstate the role the internet has played. the arab spring wouldn't have happened without twitter and without social media >> jon: true. it's true. of course here we use it to blog the x-factor. millions of people it's an exciting time for twitter. hey, what else is on the internet? let me see. that's not arab spring. democracy, no freedom. yeah, that's... i don't know what that is. what's this? >> an incredibly amateurish, crude and nasty movie made in the united states and released on you-tube, "innocence of muslims" it's called.

see you next captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> this features videos from the internet and is intended for a mature audience. comedy central doesn't condone the performances and discouraging anyone from attempting them. enjoy. >> ♪ >> [cheers and applause]. >> ♪ >> [applauding]. >> ♪ >> not the cleanest 'triple lindey' i've ever seen. welcome to tosh.0. now available in egypt. yea, the rioting worked, as it always does. the evolution of dance guy shows us his moves. we check in to see if this misogynist has found love. and i show you my unaired super bowl commercial. [laughing]. >> alright, let's play human plinko again. spring break rules. >> [cheering]. >> see? there are other ways to die in mexico besides getting kidnapped or murdered by the producer of survivor. not many cliff divers take the scenic route. turns out the side of a mountain is not as forgiving as you'd think. it is going to be hard to tread water when everything is broken.

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

see you next captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [audience ohs] - [bleep] [bleep] [bleep] - are you all right? you need me to call the hospital? [audience laughing] [applause] - that's for [bleep] my wife. [audience laughing] welcome to tosh.0, now in dolby. [bass noise] [audience laughing] tonight, what what in the butt stops by for our first ever web remix, we meet the "i like" girl, and we find out once and for all-- is alabama racist? all right, let me see that throw again. i can't tell, but i think his release was off. they should call this video "two balls, one stone." - [bleeps] - are you all right? - nut shot put. if you spend your saturday filming a sport nobody cares about, you deserve to be hit in the ball bag. ♪ hello, darkness, my old friend ♪ all right, get up. he's got two more tosses. great form! here's a guy who doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin. [audience oohs] now, i know... pretty nice body. all right, that is spf'ing disgusting. i hope he's saving that for the skin fairy. [laughing] too bad he used all th

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgthe loe deal. national hockey standoff and the bay area consequences >>> his new killed while riding a ,,,,

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wg >> are you okayn't wait to see that clip on mtv in a year and a half. welcome to tosh.0. this is officially the high point of your season, longhorns. tonight we find out if this guy is alive i chat with an up-and-coming new artist and i find out how much of the qaddafi video i can actually show on tv. now let's go back and see why you should always perform stunts on a closed course. that's the thing about motorcycles, you never hear them coming. i hope she wasn't the cute one. like even your dog knows not to stand on the track. and she was just getting to the good part of her really long story. here's just another drunk afternoon in the red sox clubhouse. they're both out. espn just found their next 30 for 30. look at this

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, everybody, by the way, anything that was edited out of the president clinton interview that we couldn't fit on the show, we have put on the web, if it will fit. join us, leer it is your moment of zen. >> one last thought, you guys, when i was a boy, when i was a boy i used to think that becoming rich and becoming famous would make becoming famous would make me happy. becoming famous would make me happy. - hey! who deleted last week's episode of bones? i heard they kissed. - where is it? - i know! - where is it? - where's what? - limited edition lap hog x.l. condom. who took it?

, mitt romney talks like he's only seen captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupccess.wgbh.org ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] man: dave chappelle! [cheering and applause...] whoa! what's up? what's up, at the top? man. [applause subsides...] you know, uh... you know what's funny, man. there's two things that start happening to me a lot now

(applause and cheering) captioning sponsored by triage entertainment group captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wghb.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. we are very, very, very excited. pink is going to be joining us here tonight to perform her new song. let's begin tonight with the presidency. i think if there's one thing everyone can agree on in the entire country, it's that barack obama is... >> the worst president we've had in my lifetime. >> he's the worst president. >> the absolute worst president. >> the worst president in history. >> jon: exactly. barack obama is objectively the worst president in history. and that includes our 30th president, calvin coolio. [laughter] remember that? that's when america had descended into a bit of a gangsta's paradise. [laughter] anyway, obama's place as the worst president in history explains why h

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> search for missing student from the bay area over how his body was found. two years later but not forgotten san bruno remembers the deadly gas line explosion. >>> it could be anybody's family my heart goes out to their family >>> investigators pieced together what a truck slammed into two women walking on,,,,

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> andmy guest drew gilpin faust is the president of harvard university. oh, i hope he's coming with a sikh envelope, the one-year anniversary of occupy wall street. remember, one is the pepper spray anniversary. this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. (cheers and applause) good to have you with us. please, ladies and gentlemen, please. take a load off. i don't know about you but i had a beautiful weekend. i was down in washington d.c. for the conservative values voters summit. not exactly a gala affair. for some reason the group fighting to defy gay people rights has trouble finding a competent party planner. but i tell you this, it is a great place to hear from prominent conservative voices like jan brewer, circumstance cameron, eric cantor and a 9 millimeter firing at a disk of birth-control pills.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wg . >> come onwe're roasting. look at you. stupid, fat, ugly, dumb, jew. come on. i got it down! stupider, ugly hair, look like you have [bleep] on your sweater. over there it looks like you have [bleep] in your hair. every [bleep] one of you. it's a roast you [bleep]ers. >> feel the burn. tonight, snooki and her baby. todd glass anthony jeselnik and jeff ross! >> all right. we're here. thank you. welcome to "the burn." how do i look? >> i had my hair done by hurricane isaac. let's start with some birthday shout-outs. here's a booty call i'd like to give 31 spanks to. happy burn, baby. i'm sure beyonce's wish is that her daughter doesn't look like her husband. [laughter] listen, everybody knows i love jay z but he always looks like he's having an allergic reaction to shell food. and happy birthday to sean white. a guy best known as the slightly more [bleep]ed up rocky dennis. [laughter] [applause] and this is betsy cooper, the world's oldest living person. this week she celebrates her 116th birthday

they're entitled to health care, to food, to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupat wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, new trouble for the romney campaign, get ready for the rafalka sex tape. (laughter) and a major legal victory for apple. but it will be replaced with a faster, slimmer legal victory in six months. (laughter) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! come on! (audience chanting "stephen") folks-- (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i've got to tell you, no matter-- sometimes i think the world is a dark cave, but you are always my light at the end of the tunnel. (laughter) welcome to th to the "report," everybody. thank you for joining us. nation, i have always hat

, mitt romney talks like he's only seen captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> obama! obama! >> you didn't build that. that. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. why. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. please. ( cheering ) nation, thank you, everybody. please, sit down. now, folks, i don't know if you watched it, but last night, the mindless mobs got together again to pander to the youth and congratulate each other on slowly destroying the moral fabric of america. ( laughter ) but what do you expect? it was the vmas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i don't know about you-- ( cheers and applause ) i don't upon about you, but i am outraged that all-american band and friend of the report, fun, was beaten out last night for best new artist by the british boy band, one direc

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> new investigationsund chevron does not have to do with the refinery fire with the epa looks into. trouble for the principle of the bay area and elementary school police arrested him. >>> this is about the totality of criminal history >>> disagreement over a three strikes law you'll be able to ,,,,

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show, everybody, by the way, anything that was edited out of the president clinton interview that we couldn't fit on the show, we have put on the web, if it will fit. join us, leer it is your moment of zen. >> one last thought, you guys, when i was a boy, when i was a boy i used to think that becoming rich and becoming famous would make me happy. >> stephen: tonight, new trouble for the romney campaign, get ready for the rafalka sex tape. (laughter) and a major legal victory for apple. but it will be replaced with a faster, slimmer legal victory in six months. (laughter) then, my guest, jeffrey toobin is here to talk about obama's relationship with the supreme court. i hear it's under the robe; over the gavel. (laughter) wal-mart is turning 50 years old. it's finally old enough to be a greeter at itself. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) . >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! come on! (au