captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) folks-- ladies and gentlemen, if you watch this show-- and i hope you do-- you know that i am america's most prominent catholic. my faith is so strong, doctors have actually called it a messiah complex. ( laughter ) not too shabby. but i'm also america's foremost capitalist. i love the invisible hand of the market so much i let it get to third base, which is why i had problems with pope francis when he called capitalism a new tyranny caused by the idolatry of money. idolatry! i would never worship money. the dollar is not worth the paper it's printed on. that's why i've invested everything in golden calf futures. ( laughter ) as a catholic, i try to give the pope the benefit of the doubt. so does bill o'reilly. >> the far left is distorting his words, trying to co

your friends that you're in love with to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to "the colbert report"! (audience chanting) >> stephen: thank you, thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you! (cheers and applause) thank you. i'm glad to hear that your spirits are up because i come to you tonight with terrifying news -- the internet is under attack! shut off your smartphones, close your laptops and remain focused on your tv. (laughter) unless you're watching me online right now, in which case, to keep you safe, i'm going to close all your other tabs. here we go. you're welcome. hey, folks -- (laughter) we can't be too careful, because your frenemies in china are spin ago worldwide web of lies. jim? >> the u.s. cyber war escalating to a whole new level. >> for the first time ever, charges filed against chinese state officials accusing them of espionage. >> the hackers working on behalf offto the chinese government specifi

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight two college graduates have too much debt or are philosopher jobs not paying what they used to? then is science degrees bias against women, we already invented blarb last mascara, what more do they want and my guest senator elizabeth warren is the left's latest darling. sorry glut enallergies, your 15 minutes are up. a man in tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an atm. even worse he had to pay a penalty for early withdrawal. this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the report, thank you, ladies and gentlemen, come on! >> stephen, stephen, steve! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! good to you have with us on this fine spring night. nation, thank you so much. you know, folks it's not just mindless adoreation, folks. i need it and i want to thank you for singling me out for your applause. it makes me feel special as an individual. because frankly i'm sick and tired of hearing about equality. equality right

question of the day, do you think it's captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupt wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight's shocking news on climate change. turns out it was earn climate the whole time. then amazon's latest break through, your book will now be delivered biannual amazon. and my guest keri russell stars on fx's the american, as a russian spy in the 1980s. or as they called it back then, now. the cdc says half of americans take prescription drugs. the other half are too drunk to open the childproof cap. this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, steph en! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen stephen! >> thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. nation, most of the viewers of the show will know that i don't like to harp on the same things night after night but some things are just too important. for instance, i have said it many times, i am no fan of pope francis. i said it many times i'm

woman shrieks ] ♪ >(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupwgbh access.wgbh.org 2014. from comedy central world headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm jon stewart. good, good show tonight. my guest tonight, former white house chief technical officer, aneesh chopra. i dubbed him years ago the indian george clooney. you will see what i'm talking about -- ladies... (laughter) let's begin with bad news for americans who like to hunt and kill their own burritos. >> chipotle restaurants are asking you to leave your guns at home. >> jon: what! chipotle wants me to leave my guns at home! spend twenty minutes at a fast-casual restaurant "without" a handgun? why don't i just let the king of england (bleep) in my mouth?! how about that! tyranny! just curious, why tid chipotle have to inns tiew tiewt a no-guns policy? >> this weekend in dallas, some brought in guns, upsetting customers. >> jon: did that upsetting custome

question of the day, do you think it's captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. nation, i hope you had a good weekend. i know i did. folks, what an incredible and exciting weekend. i done know if you had time to do this, i don't know-- thanks. folks, i don't know if you had time to catch up on your-- this weekend. i hope did you because if you did, folks, if you managed to watch some tv this weekend, i hope you caught up on the nfl draft. because it'sed only place these days you can still see college graduates getting jobs. as always the big story was which player would be the number one pick. or of the last 8 picks of the 7th round. >> in the 2014 nfl draft, the st. louis rams select michael sam defensive end. >> michael sam drafted by the st. louis rams becoming the first openly gay player ever drafted. >> stephen: first openly gay player, important d

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioned by media access.wgbh.org >>> your realtime captioner is linda macdonald. tonight. 's set to arrive at this hotel any minute no and he's >>> president obama in the bay area tonight is set to arrive at this hotel any minute now. and he has money on his mind. good evening, i'm ken bastida. >> i'm elizabeth cook. president obama touched down in the bay area a couple of hours ago with a wave, mr. obama stepping off air force one at moffett field. he was greeted by the mayors of mountain view and sunnyvale also on hand the director of nasa ames. the president greeted dozens of people including two babies. we have team coverage on president obama's bay area visit. len reports from downtown san jose where the president is headed. len ramirez reports. >> reporter: much of downtown has been blocked off. market street is one of the major routes off of town with a roadblock on it. it will be this way throughout the rest of the evening as president obama ends his visit here at the fairmont by sleeping over

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon the way you write, the way you collaborate. has that changed over time or when you get back together it feels like magic. >> there's human aspects that are similar but this record was done digitally. we were never all in the same place. >> jon: but you are now. >> more or less. [laughter] >> jon: fair enough. when you say digitally you were in the studio and you were in the studio. >> we were in california the producer was in l.a., the producer was in frisco. >> jon: why are we keeping you in a box, that's what i want to know. i never seen this done with bug shield before. >> it should be sirpd blocks. >> blonde. maybe you heard it before ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. ♪ >> ♪ one way or another i'm gonna find ya ♪ i'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya ♪ one way or another i'm gonna win ya ♪ i'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya ♪ one way or another i'm gonna see ya ♪ i wanna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya ♪ one day, maybe next week i'm gonna meet ya ♪ i'm gonna mee

it for the report, everybody, good night captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group access.wgbh.org

do it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org saying horrible things about magic johnson to anderson cooper. >> what has he done? what has he done. >> he's a business person. >> he has aids. >> i think he has hiv, not fullly e

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

>(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhn we arrived at our hotel in new york, the porter was so incredibly careful careless with our bags. and the room they gave us, it was beautiful. a broom closet. but the best part, / worst part, was the shower. my wife drying herself with the

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two.ivery boy, nothing surprises me. (horn honks) you stink, loser. hey, fry! pizza going out! come on! aw, all right. i'll take the red rocket. (pedals squeaking) (horn honking) (frustrated grunt) hello! pizza delivery for... d. frosted wang? ugh, not another crank delivery! why don't i read these ahead of time? (laughter) one time was funny. but every week for ten years? not as funny.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephenllege graduates have too much debt or are philosopher jobs not paying what they used to? then is science degrees bias against women, we already invented blarb last mascara, what more do they want and my guest senator elizabeth warren is the left's latest darling. sorry glut enallergies, your 15 minutes are up. a man in tennessee was arrested for attempting to have sex with an atm. even worse he had to pay a penalty for early withdrawal. this is the colbert report captioning sponsored by comedy central

question of the day, do you think it's captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us

do it captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgily show with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >>> welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. my guest tonight: ron suskind, author of "life animated: a story of sidekicks, heroes and autism." very interesting. now we turn to the troubling state of our democracy which, having hit some tough times, has been left with no choice but to sell its body to the highest bidder. >> the koch brothers, the industrial magnates currently tied for fourth on forbes list of richest americans with $36 billion apiece. in 2012, the koch brothers political network raised $400 million to support conservative causes. >> raised -- raised -- found -- found in the koch brothers conservative club house couch cushion. by

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioningheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) folks-- ladies and gentlemen, if you watch this show-- and i hope you do-- you know that i am america's most prominent catholic. my faith is so strong, doctors have actuallyal

question of the day, do you think it's captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access grouptioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. nation, i hope you had a good weekend. i know i did. folks, what an incredible and exciting weekend. i done know

it for the report, everybody, good night captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group >> chris: it is 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on juggalogathering.com today. so you know it is going to be great. the internet celebrated one of its most beloved annual holidays yesterday when the infomercial for the 2014 gathering of the juggalos arrived. once again, fans of the insane clown posse will gather for a weekend of painting their faces like cloudiness, listening to murder based rap rock and discussing the merits of tort reform in our nation's civil courts.

we'll see you in a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> may 22, 2014. from comedy central's worldview headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show"! i'm jon stewart! my guest tonight, drew barrymore. but we begin with the department of veterans affairs and the seemingly unending problems with providing timely medical care with some hospitals going so far as to actively cover up the problem. a situation best summed up thusly -- >> (bleep)! >> jon: that sounds right. by the way, no one is more upset about this than thy i don't understand of the republican senate. >> the v.a. issue is an embarrassment and the president's response is an emapartment. >> he needs to treat these stories at least as seriously as the obamacare web site fiasco. >> jon: oh, takes the v.a., turns it into obam obamacare! yes, these republican senators have always stood up for our veterans! when they think it can help them slam the president. slightly different when they think no

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - welcomeooting guard charlie sanders about his amazing career. now charlie, you grew up in a tough neighborhood, didn't you? - that's right. drugs, violence. my whole life, i had to deal with adversity. - and that continued when you went on to the pros? - that's right. you know, fines, injuries, everything. no matter how big a star i am, i'm always gonna be dealing with adversity. - adversity johnson, what's your take on this? - i don't know, girl. i just like [bleep] with him. just like, eh. - ah! come on, adversity. - deal with me, dog! [laughs] [loud slap] - [groans] - [laughs maniacally] i said, "deal with me!" - always. wherever we go, it's-- come on, no, don't. don't drink my water. don't drink my water. adversity, leave me some. leave me a sip. leave me a sip. damn, come on, man. [loud slap] aah! - deal with me! [laughs] - this--he doesn't-- i'm sorry. no, he doesn't pick up social cues. what? here we-- [screams] - deal with me! - titty twister, titty twister. come on. - are you okay? -

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) folks--

>> stephen: good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is dale dill with jon stewart -- this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome. [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we got a good one for you tonight. guest tonight peter schuck. he is the author of "why government fails so often and what we can do about it." but first, as we all know ever since they very innocently crashed our entire economy through purposeful and fraudulent activities -- [laughter] -- banks and the bankers who bank them -- [laughter] -- have weathered attacked from all corners. >> the government is waging war on banks. >> they say wall street is guilty that your fortunes are where they are now because of wall street. >> people want to see bankers in handcuffs going to prison. >> jon: as as though seeing them punished appropriately would be somehow just or right. [ laughter ] wel

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> itspened on route 49 in south jersey, take us there. >> on sunday in upper township say an electronic sign that is supposed to caution them about a changed traffic pattern instead displayed an inappropriate, inaccurate and offensive message along route 49. >> that place i a

. ♪ ♪ >(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group att's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on youtube today. [ cheers and applause ] >> that is india's solution to public urination, the pissing tanker with which is what r. kelly calls his escalade. >> india, i know such a current reference. >> india has such a peeing problem they are driving around and spraying offenders with a taste of their own wet medicine. they are spraying them with water, not with pee, that would defeat the purpose. >> it is not the pissing tanker india wants, it is the pissing tanker that india deserves. >> so comedians p

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org here would be awesome. i can't believe i can afford an interior designer. this is all very new for me. well, the space is fabulous. yeah? yeah. in here, i'm thinking we do a classic hand-woven belgian rug and then rich fabrics, sconces, tote linens. sconces-- oh, my god. yeah, we could even do a brushed cotton twill window treatment. very elegant. this place needs to feel like your sanctuary. totally. this all sounds great. okay-- so we've got the entry, the living room and the bedroom and what are we thinking for the (bleep)? excuse me? because for the (bleep), we could continue the sort of timeless ambience of the living room or try something new. maybe go for a more regal feel in the (bleep). the bathroom is fine as is. the (bleep) is fine? that room's all set. i'm sorry, i missed that-- that room? are we talking living room, bedroom or (bleep)? the last one-- let's move on.

that's it for the report, everybody, good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group is 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on dave in charge.com today ♪ >> chris: that is the -- that is video for the habitat by self-proclaimed conscious rap artist dave in charge and i love it unironically, i really do. i have been singing it all afternoon, and i quote from the dave in charge web site, she gripg, quote, your attention with epiphanies and sentiments and also a

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) come on, ladies and gentlemen. whooo! welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. i thank you. i thank you all. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen. oh my gosh! (cheers and applause) i got to tell you, folks, i got to tell you, folks, with that kind of reception, with that kind of energy w that kind of love i can do this twice a night! nation, as you know i'm a political junkie and tonight i'm riding high because i have been snorting pure, uncut bunting. you see in his primary season which thanks to global warming will soon be our last remaining seasonment and yesterday republican voters went to the polls in six states to choose which candidates use outside money to air the most commercials. unfortunately, the media is a bunch of tea party poopers. >> breaking news overnight. a big victory for the gop taking down tea party challengers across the country. >> the tea party is beaten back. >> tea party

question of the day, do you think it's captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access groupnimals are being neglected by me. hi, i'm amy schumer. and these are the dozens of animals i never should have adopted. nobody's fault. long story short, i'm now legally considered a hoarder. i mean, what do you expect? i mean, they're cute as (bleep). (bleep). like what is this thing? like, what are you, an act one gremlin? you are a burden. that's where you come in. call the number on your screen right now and just, just take a few of these things off my hands. like walter, who only is nice to you when he needs something. nobody walks me, walt. this one i call bait and switch 'cause he used to be real cute and then he got bigger. not a laugher. competitive narcissist. and let's just say this one, she doesn't have a warrior spirit. not supportive. mama's boy. spencer's actually cool. he found my phone. (whining) i honestly don't want to have this conversation with you right now, but i will in front of everybody. jew. fat, but owns it. and mrs. wong is glib. time is running out. my sis

your friends that you're in love with to captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group captioning sponsored by comedy central

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org narratorther close that you might hearken the story of fat neil. born stout of heart but large of bone, his adolescent years were shadowed by scorn and mockery. ♪ hey, fatty, fatty hey, fatty, fatty ♪ outlets of fantasy afforded him some escape from the darkness throughout high school. and as a man, he traveled far, to a new school and a new beginning. or so he thought. man 1: they're down there by fat neil. woman: it's fat neil. man 2: it's fat neil. the name became a joke. i'll have what fat neil's having.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> froms in new york, this is dale dill with jon stewart. -- "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. good one tonight. my guest author william cohan to talk about the duke lacrosse scannedel, the price of silence. it costs $3.99. that's right. there's breaking news in the case of l.a. clippers owner donald sterling. he has come under fire for his thoughts on the instagram-ability of -- i guess you could call it girlfriend/black person friendship. >> effective immediately, i am banning mr. sterling for life. [cheers and applause] >> jon: yes! >> from any association with the clippers organization or the nba. [cheers and applause] ♪

woman shrieks ] ♪ >(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group

>(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbha great aunt who lived to be, like, 129. - oh, cool, that's physically impossible, so nuts. - no, derch, physics have nothing to do with it. she was a human hero. - well, how'd she die? - gunfire-- cops shot her. - oh. - what? - yeah. whoa, what the fug? - you have 20 minutes to clean this up. - what? we didn't do this. what are these, capes? - all right, who was it? - your mama. [laughter] - waymond, you're being uncharacteristically quiet. did you do this to us? is this your doing? 'cause if you did, we're gonna come back at you... so hard. - that's right, 'cause anybody who comes at us... know that we come back at you twice as hard. - preach. - that's right.

it for the report, everybody, good night captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy strarld's world -- central's world husband headquarters in new york this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. good show tonight. tonight's guest the greatest, the greatest relief pitcher in baseball history mariano rivera is joining later on tonight. i'm very excited about that but -- [laughter] i said the but really loud, didn't i? i apologize for that, scared some people. we have to get to the news. late last week it went down. >> the white house on the defense over a new smoking gun benghazi e-mail. >> some are calling a smoking gun. >> the smoking gun. >> jon: smoking gun. [ laughter ] it's one of worst kinds of guns. [laughter] a gun that smokes. its a terrible influence. [laughter] all the other guns that just having a good time. they are not smoking, not drinking and then that gun walks in. come on, all the cool guns are do

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org county.e'll go back with homeowners as they survey t da >>> firefighters are winning the battle against unprecedented fires in san diego county. we'll go back with homeowners as they survey the damage. >> her birthday is tomorrow. tonight a little girl fights for her life after being shot in the neck while playing in her front yard. what saved another innocent bystander from being caught in the crossfire. >> is this the earliest you have ever seen the season come? >> most definitely. >> wine grapes blooming way ahead of schedule. what's behind it and why napa's ability to make wine could be threatened. >> kpix 5 news is next. ,,,,,,,, >>> your realtime captioner is linda macdonald.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> fromrld news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we have a show for you tonight that we've worked out. new york met great mookie wilson will be joining us tonight. they are not booing they are mookie-ing. first the wounds of centuries racial oppression have long haunted our country a tragic but inescapable part of american experience. until last week when the supreme court said its okay for states to ban affirmative action programs at public universities thus completing the mission of racial healing this court embarked on last year. >> the supreme court essentially knocked down one of pillars of the civil rights movement. it invalidated a key part of the voting rights act, the law enacted in 1965 to stop racial discrimination at the polls. >> as chief justice john ros

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> may 15, 2014. from comedy central's headquarters in new york, "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm jon stewart. actor jim parsons will be in the studio. but first, india, a land of technological wizards is india, colored powders, bread that appears to need sauce and cheese, a mysterious and exotic place unless you're one of the is .3 billion people who live there then you probably don't reduce it to the three cultural stereotypes that we are aware of -- oh, crazy sex positions, three steer to types. first, india had an election. indian campaign seans just started heating up, if i remember correctly. >> after five weeks of balloting, voting in india's marathon election is now over and the country waits to see who will become the next prime minister. >> aw, over already? now what am i supposed to watch on indian tv? it's months until the new season of "real housewives of arunachal pradesh." i really hope i said that somewhere near