and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed honey, everybody's left the theater. we can't stay here all night. i wish i could have caught the great mordini before he left. i'm still trying to figure out how he raised that elephant into the air. i'm only an amateur magician, but i know all the principles of magic. okay. let's see you whistle and make our car appear. honey, i'm tired. carol, i'm going to try to duplicate that trick. know where we can pick up a used elephant real cheap? who says it has to be an elephant? lever off. (grunting) there. ah. it should be all set. oh, come on, now, ed. you can't possibly get hurt. all i do is attach this hook, see, to the ring back here on the back of your harness. then i press the lever on the motor, it pulls the cable, and the cable raises you a few feet off the ground. mister ed: i don't hear a word you say. oh. this cable is strong enough to hold two horses. then get the other one. this one is going to mexico. ed! adios, amigo. ed, you can't get hurt. it's simple. you simply attach it in

mister ed. [clearing throat] [grunts] it's still a little red. all right, you germs in there, i want you all out of this horse by sundown. honey, if you could hear poor ed sneezing and coughing, it'd tear your heart out. wilbur, you know i like mister ed. but if he's so sick, why don't you call dr. evans? that trigger-happy quack? honey, no. i mean, dr. evans, he's too free and easy with that needle. i didn't raise my horse to be a dart board. oh, when are you going to stop spoiling that animal? l-look, i'd better get going. i want to get back before the freeway traffic gets heavy. now, don't forget, wilbur, don't be late. i'je been counting on this ballet for weeks. honey, don't worry. i'll be back in time. [sighs] uh, carol. honey, if you get a chance, look in on ed, will you? oh, certainly. and while i'm there, shall i tell him a bedtime story? yeah, i think he'd like that. [police siren wailing] yes, i'm, uh, afraid i was, officer. see, i'm in a hurry to ge-get home. there's a sickness in the family. your wife? no, my horse. very funny. may i see your driver's license, please? i--i wasn't trying to be funny, officer. i--i

mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course and no one can talk to a horse, of course that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous mister ed honey. look who's here. [laughs] look, honey, i'm awfully sorry about missing that town meeting. but you know happened? ed suddenly disappeared. i knowhat you're thinking. you're thinking that i'm lying. well, you're wrong. i'm telling the truth, and i--i must say that, after years of marriage, i'm a little disappointed in your doubting me. you, uh, you don't think i was chasing ed, huh? think i was chasing after some dizzy little blonde, huh? oh, boy, that's great. that--that's great. yeah, i come home, calm, apologetic, willing to sit down and discuss this like a reasonable human being, and what do i find? instead i'm in the middle of an argument and i can't even get a word in edgewise. no, no, please, enough of this bickering. i can't take this bickering. i'm gonna put ed away right now, and if you want me to sleep in the barn, that's ok with me. ok. oh, just like a wife. got to get the last word in, huh? yakkity-yak-yak. look, ed, i am tired of playing games. why did you leave the barn

if something should happen to me, who would take care of mister ed? honey, you mean who would take care of me? well, ed and you. you and ed. what i mean is, if something should happen to me, would you take care of ed? that's what i mean. are you all right? oh, i'm fine. you just promise me one thing, you won't marry a horse-hater. all right, i promise. well, let's have breakfast. oh, hi, honey. where have you been all morning? oh, out on--on business. [laughs] wow! it's, uh, time for ed's lunch. me? yeah, well, i think you ought to get used to feeding him. why? that way you can both get to know each other better. oh, wilbur, please. i'm--i'm too busy to feed mister ed. i wish you'd take an interest in him, carol. you could give him love, security... all right. get me some steel wool and--and i'll knit him a pair of horseshoes. you shouldn't joke about it, carol. ed needs you. why, if something ever happened to me, you can get married, ed couldn't. have you got your clothes ready yet, carol? mmm-hmm. my little doll is going to drive us down to the cleaners.

oh, honey, shouldn't you get mister ed ready? oh, yes. yeah. rog, would you care to give me a hand with ed? anytime i can do something for that wonderful animal count on me. oh, boy! but to think just a couple of days ago roger couldn't stand mr. ed. that's one thing you can count on my husband, give him something for nothing and you touch that soft spot in his wallet. (both laughing) well, now that the fashion show is over i think i better go get the suitcases. okay, see you in a minute. okay. ed, we're ready to go. what's wrong, wilbur? we can't keep that boat waiting. he's just acting stubborn. come on, rog, push. i am pushing. what's the matter with him? we'll never get to catalina at this rate. roger, you should never mention the word catalina. wilbur, i... i don't understand. you know how important this trip is to me. to us. and if we get to catalina without this horse thorndyke isn't going to be very friendly. now please do something, will you? ed, i'm ashamed of you. when noah was putting all those animals in the ark, where do you think

honey. oh, and i'm glad mister ed's all right. (dialing) hello, briarcliff stables? this is mr. post. yeah, i'll be bringing my horse around tomorrow morning. yeah. uh, is ilsa still in stall 5? fine. then would you put mister ed in stall 6? yeah. and when you take ilsa her dinner tonight, would you throw in a bouquet of carrots? i'm sure she'll know who it's from. eeee, the whole thing was just a joke. yeah, some joke. i could have lost all my hair worrying about losing it. well, it was a dirty trick, ed, but at least you know you're all right. and the fillies will be calling you curly again. (laughing) yeah. ho ho ho... holy smoke. my little black book. hmm. gee. get the glue, wilbur. we've got a lot of pasting to do.

honey, why don't you go to the barn and give mister ed his breakfast? oh, yes, the poor thing must be starving. yeah, i think he deserves special attention after his letter. uh, well, you see, i consider it part his. if i hadn't been so close to him, i never could have written it. "a horse asks so little out of life, a few blades of grass, some oats..." [sniffles] oh, dear, i do have talent. i've got to admit, your letter is better than mine. i'm glad you're not angry. i am angry. angry i can't write as well as you. don't feel badly. you're probably a better architect than me. oh, thanks, ed. [phone ringing] i'll get it. no, i'll get it. oh, let me. stay where you are. [mumbling] mr. post? oh, i read your letter this morning in the valley news. it's masterfully written. well, thank you. i... i did the best i could. how would you like to write a book on animals for one of our spring publications? me? oh, no, no, no. i--i couldn't write a book. mr. post, your letter made me cry. well, i--i guess my letter made a lot of people cry. [clearing throat] his le

mister ed? (chuckling) that's a good question. oh, wilbur, try on the jacket. hmm? i want to see if it still fits. yeah, well. honey, i've got to go. oh, stop fidgeting. wilbur, try on your trousers. i'm in a hurry! you try them on! kay: did you see what i saw? i saw it, but i don't believe it. he was wearing half a tuxedo. for half the concert. how are you feeling, ed? pretty good, sam. sam? why are you calling me sam? why are you calling me ed? you are sick, aren't you, ed? i'm sick? and you're wearing half a tuxedo. well, look, when you see these photographs, this will help you to remember who you are. sure, stranger. there you are, ed. that's not me. that's a horse. you are a horse. oh, oh, oh no. you're the horse. how can you say that? i can't be a horse. horses don't talk. i'm talking. how can i be a horse? that's your problem. look, here. this one will help you. you see? this is something i got you for your birthday. wilbur... uh, about that concert tonight... we? oh, of course, you have a guest. why don't you buy him a tuxedo, and take him to the concert tonight? uh, dinner at 7:00. hey, who's that? that's