and music from shontelle. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ jimmy kimmel live >> dicky: and now for the time being, here's jimmy kimmel! [ applause ] >> jimmy: tonight, i knew i could do it. i really did. it's friday night which is good because sometimes it isn't and, you know, i was driving to work today -- i drive myself into work. thank you, cleto. and i was thinking -- i was thinking i'm me and everything i see, the way i experience the world comes from that perspective from me and everyone else is them. every other person has -- every person has a totally different point of view. each one of us in our mind is like the center of not just our world, but the world. from your perspective you're the center of the world. the whole world is like filtered through you and for me i'm the center of the world. and i was -- and it got me thinking it would be nice if i could be the center of your world too. you know? i'd like you to consider always thinking of me first if you could. just think about it and then if you --

." >> dax shepard, jessica stroup, music from shontelle and "jimmy kimmel live" is next. mmmm.ou don't love me anymore do you billy? what? i didn't buy this cereal to sweet talk your taste buds it's for my heart health. so i can't have any? if you can deprive me of what can help lower my cholesterol... and live with yourself. right. mmm, i wry about your mother. cry herself to sleep every night over my arteries, but have yourself a bowl. good speech dad. [ whimper ] male announcer ] honey nut cheerios tastes great and its whole grain oats can lp lower cholesterol. bee happy. bee healthy. ♪ man: we need a sofa. something i can stretch out on! woman: ooh... that will go with those lamps my mother gave us. or we could get some new lamps. or we could get no sofa. negotiating, eh? you got it! how about a nice home for our tv? how about doors to hide that drive-in theater? how about a cowhide rug? yee-haw! and the snacks? get their own place. let the marathon begin! saving money. and like baseball people love their stats. i started bringing my lunch to work -- 50 bucks a week in my p

and then friday music from shontelle, jessica stroup and the always-crazy terry bradshaw.ons, our first guest was the "n" in "snl." you can see him now on monday nights on showtime as a perpetually baked former accountant on "weeds" and on fridays on "nick at night" as animated dentist "glenn martin dds." please say hello to kevin nealon. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> good, buddy. >> jimmy: how is everything? i haven't seen you in a little while. >> things are fantastic. >> jimmy: how is your wife? >> fantastic. we just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. [ applause ] >> jimmy: wow. congratulations. >> yeah, we've been married for five years but we've been together, like, two years. no, five years. been together nine years. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> well, here's the secret to a good marriage. i think you have to compromise. so, i had to go to philadelphia around that time of the anniversary, and she called me. this is the week that "eat, pray, love" came out. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> and she called me and asked if i would go see the movie so we

we'll have music from shontelle and our old pal dax shepard will be here. guest tonight is a five-star journalist. she's the anchor person for "abc world news" and tomorrow night she is co-host along with hated rivals katie couric and brian williams of "stand up to cancer," which airs simultaneously on abc, nbc, cbs, hbo and more. please welcome diane sawyer. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sorry to make you go the long way. we don't even have another guest. >> i'm still circling around here. >> jimmy: don't worry. that chair will be destroyed to punish it after the show. >> i don't follow instructions well. >> jimmy: thank you for coming. >> it's very nice to be here. >> jimmy: or i should say thanks to abc for forcing you to come back here again. >> really, really, it wasn't that painful. >> jimmy: well, thank you, good. >> the milder form. >> jimmy: i guess if you went to like afghanistan and haiti that this isn't -- it could be worse. >> afghanistan, haiti, where haven't i been in the last few months? i really started off with ahmadinejad, then we got