and it's doctor. >> stephen: it dres? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. frank... (laughter) i want the best for my super pack. you worked with huge people: newt gingrich, microsoft, mcdonald's. if ♪ i'm loving it... is that you? >> no. >> stephen: can i get that guy? i thought you were that guy. >> no. >> stephen: okay. (laughter and applause) your slogan is "it's not what you say, it's a what they hear." >> the key process in communication is to listen to your audience carefully and actually hear what they're saying and understand the hopes and fears behind.... >> stephen: i'm sorry. i didn't catch some of that. can you repeat it? i apologize. you have to do what with your audience? (laughter) >> listen. >> stephen: listen. okay. listen. >> focus. focus. now look them straight in the eye. not with a big eye, i mean like... there you go, that's better. don't squint because that looks like you're being dishonest and don't breathe heavy because.... >> stephen: man, i'm doing my best here, you're jacking me all over the place. >> the idea is to challenge you but not

thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you so much. i'm going to say i had to all of nerddom that may be watching tonight. nation, i got to tell you, that applause really brings me such, such comfort. because i got to tell you, i'm blue. (laughter) maybe it's end of summer. i don't know. but i'm not the only one with the case of the blahs. america's going through a pretty rough time. we have a dysfunctional government, a frail economy, and our only remaining manufacturing plant is the cheesecake factory. (laughter) and most humiliating of all we're falling behind russia in inspirational leadership. just take a lack at these pictures on the front page of russia's leading newspaper, "the new york times". (laughter) yeah, right over here, here is prime minister vladimir putin rocking a wet suit and carrying ancient greek artifacts he personally discovered right next to president medvedev's holding a huge gun. or it

for the (cheers and applause) (crowd chanting "stephen") >> stephen: that's nice. that is really nice. folks... (cheers and applause) folks, folks, i guarantee you/guran-damn-tee you crowds do not chant like that for drew barrymore. (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us, everybody. please, heroes, folks, barack obama is spinning his lies again. first it was whoppers like "i love america" and "i'm the president." (laughter) now he is spinning giving americans health care into something positive. >> health care reform-- also known as obamacare. by the way, you know what? let me tell you, i have no problem with folks saying obama cares. i do care. >> stephen: nice try, mr. president. (laughter) folks, you can see the game he's playing here. he broke up the word obamacare into obama and care. that's not where that word came from the etymology of obamacare is actually oh, be bam! a car! eee! (applause) check your dictionary, it's in there. this indicates that the program is like a buick that hits you in the crosswalk and then drags you

stephen? >> stephen: see? it's that easy. (laughter and applause) and yet we stubbornly insist on keeping data in the old skull drive. this thing is totally unreliable. for some reason it remembers all the words to "mandy" but doesn't remember my assistant's name. (laughter) thankfully, companies like apple, google, and microsoft offer remote computer storage so we can access all information wherever and wherever we want. it's called the cloud. and they've already launched a massive viral marketing campaign in the skies. (laughter) i can't imagine what that cost. well, folks, i'm in. i've already upwebbed everything i've ever known into the cloud. parents' names, dog's prescriptions, pizza thawing instructions, baseball stats, even my deepest, darkest secrets. now, the only thing... (laughter). the only thing my brain has to do is keep my eyeballs from falling backwards. because everything that was in here is safely stored in the cloud. and i can access it at any time. for example, i'm hungry right now so i should look up my

>> stephen: i agree. (laughter) and we have visual proof that at least some people voted for parry with an a because an actual iowa straw poll voter tweeted a cell phone photo of his ballot where he wrote in rick parry with an "a" yes. now i assume the other 717 parry voters did not tweet their ballot photos because their phones were deep fried and eaten. so to find out the truth that the iowa gop doesn't want you to know on monday, i unleashed abc channel 5 woi des moines's emmy-awaiting news team. (laughter) i'm talking coanchors amanda krenz and rachel pierce, john wall tert ters on sports and at the live weather map, not doppler weather that is for the jag nuts at kete channel 7 in omaha. and of course america's sweetheart cover reporter katie eastman. >> wherever dogs go, their business sure to follow. but there's no need for trash cans when the poop is the power. >> i'm going to light this lantern. >> the lantern is powered by tanks that turn bob poop into meth ann energy. the locals say it's a spin

[laughter] >> stephen: oh my god.'s obama gonna tell harry reid that he also gave the republicans all his pomegranate trees? [laughter] but now that it's done, all americans are breathing a sigh of relief because it may have been a painful process, but at least the economy is saved! >> the dow today down 265 points on the day. >> stephen:ym what? [laughter] this is what happens when you give the republicans only 98% of what they want. see, the market was afraid that even with a deal, america's credit rating was going to get downgraded by agencies like moody's and standard & poor's. america is currently rated triple-a, which means we're a very safe investment. plus, i believe we get free roadside assistance and discounts at participating hyatts. [laughter] countries less likely to pay back their debt have lower grades. for example, greece now has such a low grade, it may be held back and forced to repeat the last 3000 years. [laughter] and lowering america's grade is bad news: >> interest rates could rise, and that cou

[laughter] >> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: goodelliot ackerman, americanselect.org we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ grey goose. world's best tasting vodka. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the r ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] comedy central announcer: ladies and gentlemen, from bakersfield, california, gabriel iglesias ! ( cheers and applause )

>> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: good luck elliotman, americanselect.org we'll be right back. every.... ♪violin musical theme ....brand right to your door, that's right and order from us and you'll also... (sound of doorbell) save money. brands door money (sound of cash register bell) that's just how we do it. free shipping when you order now at 1800contacts.com [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the report [crowd cheers] [bell rings] - and he's down. that's it! that's it! cleon slammin' salmon, he's still the heavyweight champion of the world. what a deadly punch. it's all over. [music]

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. welcome to the report, everybody. it is so-- (cheers and applause) it is so good to have you with us. folks-- (cheers and applause) thank you very much. welcome to the great american scream machine. (laughter) >> stephen: folks, there is a lot of news out there and we will get to all of it, i promise you. but first i have to start by issuing a rare apology. it goes out-- i know, i know. it goes out to the team at abc channel 5 woi des moines news lieder. last week i attacked woi when their general manager ray cole refused to air our colbert report superpac ads. you have [bleep] with the wrong people! colbert superpac is 165,000 strong, baby, here us roar. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i happen to foe you haven't won a local emmy in ten years. want to touch mine? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now that was a low blow. almost as low as the number of emmies they have. (laughter)

[laughter] >> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: goodelliot ackerman, americanselect.org we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

>> no i would not. >> stephen: wow. in this day and age that kind of bigot ree, it is time to remake guess who's coming to dinner. this time with an oil rig. (laughter) >> stephen: and you know, you know it is going to drive spencer tracey crazy to think about his daughter getting drilled. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: with romney's historic statement of corporate personhood he has become this generations civil rights champion. a dr. martin luther inc. if you will. (laughter) >> stephen: so folks, i want to salute this brave man for his courageous new campaign slogan. i am confident that it is one that voters will remember come election time. of course with all of this happening, folks, -- >> (applause) >> stephen: you can applaud me. you can applaud me. believe me, i understand the instincts. folks, with all of this happening the national news media is descending on iowa this weekend which can mean only one thing. >> sarah palin is heading back to iowa. the former alaska governor announcing she is taking her bus to

(laughter) >> stephen: nation-- (laughter) >> stephen: i shared a few things. (laughter) nation, this is a very big week for republican presidential candidates. tonight there is the debate in iowa that will feature all the major players andtism pawlenty. (laughter) >> stephen: then saturday, of course, is the straw poll in ames, a crucial test to see if candidates can get midwesterners to put down a food plate long enough to mark a ballot but the big news today came from the iowa state fair in des moines where in an attempt to peel to more voters ron paul had himself batter dipped and deep fat fried. that was good. more chipotle sauce. meanwhile, mitt romney was at the state fair in his every man dungarees when he was ambushed by liberal activists with a gotcha question about social security. and with his answer, romney proved he didn't just dress like the average joe, he understands the average joe. >> we have to make sure that the promises we make in social security, medicaid and medicare are promises we can keep. and there are various ways of doing that. one

[laughter] >> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: good ackerman, americanselect.org we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ one, two, three, hit me [ male announcer ] a jump-start for your game. not your nerves. ♪ watch me, heh ♪ watch me! ♪ i'm super [ male announcer ] the proven push. stamina in a bottle. the original gatorade. ♪ sometimes i feel so nice [ male announcer ] and thirst-quenching protein that helps restore your body while cooling you down. ♪ prime. perform. recover. the g series from gatorade. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the r ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] man: dave chappelle! what's up? [laughing] oh, man. what's poppin', y'all? i don't know if you guys know this, but my favorite tv show is coming back on the air. it's called making the band. whoo, it's a beast! puff daddy takes five people and puts 'em in a house together and makes 'em cut a record for bad boy. they ar

>> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: good luck elliotman, americanselect.org we'll be right back. [ female announcer ] the subway® buffalo chicken is the featured $5 footlong™ of august. an all-time favorite, with tender chicken, spicy buffalo sauce and cool ranch, this august, the buffalo chicken joins our many everyday $5 footlongs! subway. eat fresh®.

>> stephen: how are you? i have to say.arlier when a first met you when you were down here practicing with the band, it is relaxing just to look at you. i think i'm getting a context beard. >> very good. >> stephen: you won the oscar for crazy heart. >> yes. >> stephen: was that your first oscar? >> it was. >> stephen: what does it feel like to win an oscar. compare it to winning a grammy let's say. >> dream like. you are in the front row so you have no idea of where the hell youym are. i had some kind of notes figured out that i might say, i might win. all of that was gone. i felt my parents soaring in the room. hello. oh, my god! you know, it's wild i'll say. >> stephen: you won that part, you won that oscar for playing the part of this grizzled, gravelly, bearded musician. >> yeah. [laughter] >> stephen: you know that wasn't a documentary, right? are you kind of playing that part now? >> no, no. i learned that mistake a long time ago, early in my career. when you are playing a drunk guy, you don't get drunk. you don't do

>> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: good luck elliotelect.org we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the report ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ that we say goodbye to mabel louise cartman. she was a good woman, a community leader, a caring wife, providing mother, and a loving grandmother.

>> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: good luck elliotman, americanselect.org americanselect.org we'll be right back.livivingcia, i started getting hooked up with deals all over the place. ♪ now i get the star treatment everywhere i go. ♪ suprise yourself at livingsocial.com. sign up for free to save at least 50% on the best of your town. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the report

[laughter] >> none, stephen, we're putting up the infrastructure so people can come. >> stephen: goodelliot ackerman, americanselect.org we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it for the r ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause]

>> well, stephen, we actually live in a pretty dangerous and complicated world. >> stephen: i know, i know. >> and many of the threats we face terrorism, proliferation, disease, climate change, genocide, are not the kinds of things that one country, even one as powerful as our own can solve by itself. so we need cooperation. we need countries working together. and the u.n. is the one place on the planet, despite it's many flaws where we can marshal the support and share the costs of doing what's necessary to protect the united states. so it's far from perfect but actually a place where we get a lot done for the american people. >> it is far from perfect. okay. >> don't worry. i'm going to nail her. now listen. all of that sounds great, okay. don't get me wrong. but at what price? why are you willing to surrender the sovereignty of the united states to the foreign governments who get to come in and say what we can or cannot do. because there are well-known plans to drop blue helmeted para troopers into the united states to establish a government within the government and to take away o