good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice. not bad, not bad. ladies and gentlemen, i, i conot blame you for being amped, because my guest tonight is america's first lady, michelle obama. ( cheers and applause ) not bad, not bad, not bad. now, naturally, my studio is crawling with secret service. ( laughter ) you can't see them, but they're there. watch. ( laughter ) that's for the best. now, mrs. obama is here to mark the first anniversary of joining forces, the program she launched with dr. jill biden to support our military families. and since that is now the focus-- ( cheers and applause ) oh, yeah, give it up. and since this is now the first lady's focus, it can mean only one thing-- child obesity is solved. kids, go to town on that oreo pizza. it's good for you. of course, i support the families of the troops whole heartlet, whole troopedly, and support famedly. but, of course, i want to do more, which leaves me just one question, and it's tonight's word. ( cheers and applause ) folks, in my daily life, i don't see that many members of the

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i like it! i like it! i like it! yes! welcome to its report, everybody! thank you so much! nation, you know, i believe that america's greatest days are ahead of us. that's why every so often it is important to remind ourselves no, they're not. (laughter) because otherwise barack obama might get credit for it. so you can imagine how i felt this morning when i turned on fox news, only to face my worst fear. good news. >> we just came out of march madness. >> sob excited about spring. >> that opening day today, round one at augusta. >> almost easter so you can give up your lent. >> east never three days. >> i mean how dog, the weather is great. >> uh-huh. >> we have no complaints. we're just happy people. we got some good news. on the jobs front weekly jobless application fell to 357,000. and the arrow is down as you can see. that is the lowest number that we've seen in four years. >> stephen: martha, i thought we were friends?

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you know, when you give me that kind of greeting when i come out here at the beginning of show it's like you've all given me a billing hug. and i mean full body contact. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: it is good stuff. now folks, i don't know if you have heard, but mitt romney has been hurt by the so-called republican war on women. which of course is just a liberal media invention like global warming or the female orgasm, where's the evidence. but unlike our real wars, the american people are paying attention to this one. a recent poll shows obama leading romney among women by 19 points. but of course there is a simple reason for that. i will let the cane train ex-- kane train explain. >> president obama is very likable to most people if you just look at him and his family. but if you look at his policies which is what most people disagree w it's a different story. and i think many men are much more familiar with the failed policies than a lot more

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: nice, nice, thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining. before we start off, i just want to say i would like to do tonight's show for the whales. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) well, nation, the general election is in full swing. and it looks like the only voting bloc that matters, other than stay-at-home moms, social conservative hispanic dads, and evangelical nascar uncles are the young people. ( cheers and applause ) you see-- i got the young demo. in the 2008 election, barack obama had the kids in the palm of his hands. he was an historic candidate. he spoke their language, and he briefly toured with the black eyed peas. but, mr. fresh-faced hopey-changey of 2008 has now become old gray haired grandpa didn't close gitmo. and the younglings are in play. >> the polaroid needs these voters badly. in 2008 he won the youth vote by 66%. >> but some of that enthusiasm has waned. just 45% say they have a high interest in the fall election. >> i think if obama loses the huge edge he has among

>> no. >> stephen: no? >> i don't think so. >> stephen: okay. all right i'm loving the "very fairy princess" books. i'm reading "here comes the flower girl." i'm half-way throughment i've been reading about two weeks. >> you've been reading for two weeks? >> stephen: yep. and in these princess books, you talk a lot about finding your inner sparkle. do you believe that you're born with sparkle or that sparkle is a choice? >> that's a good question. >> stephen: that's why i asked it. >> i'm not sure. >> stephen: i believe sparkle is a choice. >> i think some people are just born full of joy. our character says row can be anything you want to be. your just have to let your sparkle out. she's the antithesis of a princess. she's got holes in her tights. she's a real tomboy. >> stephen: is she a lesbian? nothing wrong with that if she was. >> no, nothing at all, but in this case she's just a little tomboy that doesn't know how not to sparkle. >> stephen: can you fake sparkle? i hear some women do? >> oh, yeah, i've heard that. i questions -- guess som

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. you're very kind. (cheers and applause) welcome to the report. glad to have you with us. folks, i got to tell you, the general election campaign is barely under way. and president obama is already resorting to ad homonym attacks trying to divide the country just when the republicans are trying to unite us against him. (laughter) fortunately fox & friends chief friend steve doocy isn't letting him get away with it. talking with mitt romney on thursday, doocy quoted the president's blatant attack on mitt. >> he said unlike some people, i wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. (laughter) >> stephen: unlike some people, oh gee, who could obama possibly mean. we all know when are you talking about someone being born into privilege it can only mean mitt romney so petty. and it is bound to backfire on the president, because being born rich is mitt romney's greatest accomplishment. (laughter) and i bel

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i really appreciate it. i want you in this audience and the audience out there to know that you are the last thing i think of before i go to sleep at night. (cheers and applause) the second to last thing. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, tomorrow is 4-20. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i don't have to tell you i will not be doing this show because we don't do shows on friday. (laughter) but i will be doing something else that will keep me busy all day! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i'll be busting you pot does heads. now don't be paranoid but that sound you hear, that's me. i'm coming for you moonbeam. jimmy, let's take it over here. (laughter) folks, when you ask a dog was's on top of a house, he says roof. when you ask an alpha dog was's on top of a house he say was do i look like, a [bleep] architect? this is my alpha dog of the week. it is no secret--

>> stephen: so exciting. it's going to be the largest drive train testing facility for wind turbines in the world! everybody from around the world is going to test their engines in south carolina. are we going to lead the world in wind power? >> yes. >> stephen: absolutely. i thought so. all right. madam, thank you so much for coming on. besides being the governor of the great state you have a new book called "nikki haley: can't is not an option." my american story. how is can't not an option because as a conservative i believe that can't is a way of life. you can't come into my country and you can not get married if you're gay. (laughter). >> stephen: i'm the proud daughter of indian parents that brought us to a small southern town in south carolina. i was born and raised there and there were challenges all our life. >> stephen: it's an extraordinary story. your parents are from india. they came here as immigrants and now you are not only the first female governor but the first racially diverse governor of s

khrapb(crowd chanting "stephen) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much! thank you so much! wow, wow, thank you, please. ladies and gentlemen, i have to tell you, with a greeting like that you would make me drunk with power if i weren't already high on life. (laughter) nation i don't know how to say this but i need to start the show tonight with a rare apology or cobbology. (laughter) we're still working on the name. i've never made a mistake before. (laughter) you see, last night i talked about so-called pink slime, the meat-like product whose real name is actually lean finely textured beef or l.f.t. b. l.f.t. b. because our beef now has so many hormones it's a member of the transgender community. (laughter) apparently some in the twittersphere have accused me of being transphobic. so i just want to get out in front of this and say that i, stephen colbert, apologize to any of my transgender bovine viewers. (laughter) that may have been offended. no matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, i want to be clear that i would be proud to grin

. >> stephen: some say it's dangerous. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: which is it ? >> (laughter) >> gee, that's-- i have to think about that. actually, the car is a huge success. march was record sales, 2200 sold. and the expectation is it is going to be about 3,000 a month from here on out and it was also just recently named your pain car of the year by a jury of 50 european automotive journalists. i want to point out it's the first time in history that an american-designed and built car has achieved european car of the year. because they usually kind of disdain u.s. product. >> stephen: they're very. >>y. >> they have an enhanced sense of their own infallibility when it comes to automobiles. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: before we go, the most-- how old of a man are you, do you mind if i ask. >> how old what. >> stephen: how old of a man are you. >> 80. >> stephen: you're 80 years old. >> yeah. >> stephen: the most important question coy ask you is, do you do gymnastics? >> not like that. >> i do do 40 push-ups every morning. (cheers and applause) >> stephen:

. >> stephen: what? wilfred, are you okay? where is he? >> he's on the oatmeal box! (laughter) i've never seen him before. what'd they do to larry? >> wilfred, just calm down, that is larry, he just lost a few pounds. >> well, i'll be damned, he looks good. >> stephen: i'm glad it was a false alarm, good night will ford. >> i'm fat. (laughter) the. >> stephen: no, no, you're not. >> i used to be in great shape. you know i was a rodeo clown. >> yeah, i know wilford. >> i was in "the firm." you know what they used to call me on the set of "the firm"? >> stephen: no, what did they call you? >> the firm. >> stephen: listen to me, you look exactly the same as you did in "the firm." >> no, i don't, i'm a tubby timmy. >> stephen: no, no, you're an attractive, distinguished man. >> you ever see that movie "cocoon." >> stephen: yes. >> i asked you a question, did you ever see "cocoon"? >> stephen: yes. >> that movie is horse (bleep). old people getting younger. try telling that to my prostate. it's the size and w

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen stephen! >> stephen: thank you, everybody. >> useful energy. i have always said america's colleges aren't are an incubator of imaginative ideas. for instance, many students imagined that college will help them get a job. (laughter) >> well, last thursday i told you about a university of texas student who proposed a bold new idea, college students forming their own super pac in the image of colbert super pac. you know our motto, making a better tomorrow tomorrow. not bad. so not to be outgoldened, i introduced an even bolder new idea, the colbert super pac superfun pack. now if you did not catch the show last thursday, no doubt you are thinking just one thing. >> was's in the box. what's in the [bleep] box! (laughter) >> stephen: we were, we were going to include gwyneth paltrow's head, but we lost it. thanks united airlines. oh, gate check it. it will be perfectly safe. now since then, this limited edition kit has been ordered by nearly 400 college students who will soon be starting super pacs

>> you know what, stephen? you're just bitter and jealous. >> stephen: oh, am i? am any how's your peabody, baby? how's your peabody? maybe my peabody could fight your pulitzer. >> that's my whole point. you just won a mere peabody and we won a pulitzer. and do you know what george fawcett peabody did? >> stephen: he cured cancer. >> no, he was the anti-colbert. he was an anti-war activist. he was the treasurer of the dean see. he got... d.n.c. he got a degree from harvard. >> stephen: we all have youthful indiscretions. i went to dartmouth. i don't talk about it much. >> i'm really sure that deep in your subconscious you wish you had won a pulitzer because you know what pulitzer did? he almost single-handedly started the spanish american war. >> remember the "maine," baby! you're happy the spanish killed our boys in the havana harbor. you still have parties about it with hillary! i saw her dancing, celebrating the death of those men on the "maine." >> you just need a little therapy. >> stephen: (bleep) about y