>> no. >> stephen: would bit a good name, though? ying "i am a fudge packer." it would be great. you think about that? >> i'll think about it. >> stephen: moving on. you were an outstanding athlete. >> i was. >> stephen: in your youth. you were a fencing champion in high school. >> yes. >> stephen: i've done a little fencing. >> have you? >> stephen: congresswoman... (laughter) i challenge you to a duel. >> i accept! ♪ >> stephen: my name is stephen colbert. prepare to die. if i win, you make me a member of the congressional black caucus. if you win, i'll make you a member of the white caucus. i'll talk to somebody. ♪ whose is that? >> mine. >> stephen: what! ♪ that was me, baby! that was all me! that was all me! (applause) so, that's two out of three? >> two out of three. ♪ (applause) >> stephen: i accept your defeat graciously. i am now a proud member of the congressional black caucus. let's put ohio's 11th up on the big board! oh! looks like the cuyahoga river is having its fourteenth fire. having its fourteenth fire. we'll be righ

a biscuit? ( laughter ). >> stephen: how long-- how long did the trip take? long did it take you to go all the way down? >> two and a half hours to get down, an hour and a half to get back up, and there were three hours on the bottom. i had hoped for more, like 5. >> stephen: i don't do math. how much is the total amount? >> seven and a half hours. >> stephen: seven and a half hours. what were the facilities like? you didn't have room for a back bathroom, did you? >> not at all, have you ever been on a car trip and you tell your parents you have to go to the bathroom and they turn and hand you a bottle. >> stephen: really? how much did this cost to make? >> a lot. >> stephen: millions of dollars. >> millions. >> stephen: when it came to go to the bathroom-- you were basically, you were basically an undersea trucker. >> yes. >> stephen: as you said, easy to get down, hard to get up. once you're down there at 36,000 feet, which is-- i think you say in here it's deeper than everest is high. >> plus four empire state buildings on top of that. >> stephen: okay, ho

stephen a. smith is a smart man. i don't know what he was trying to get it, but the word did just scream out and absolutely inappropriate and wrong. >> on that point, was his apology enough and did espn do enough by taking him off the air for a week? >> i wish they had done more. stephen a. smith is a colleague and a friend. i've probably known him for 20, 25 years. he is lucky to have his job, let's just say that. >> because? >> because if he had -- well, he certainly could have been fired, anyway, for what he said. i'm wondering if he had said something about other groups of people, obviously, you know, talked about women this way, if you say this in a racial sense, obviously he's an african-american men so that takes that out of the equation. but i wonder if he had said other things about other people if he would v lost his job. >> two years ago in the nfl chad johnson was arrested in a domestic incident with his wife. stephen smith said this. there are plenty of instances where provocation comes into consideratio

let's talk jazz a second here. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: you're going to jazz at us in a little while.yeah. >> stephen: do i need a college professor to explain jazz with a cigarette and diagram? do i need someone to explain to me why i do enjoy a modal scale? >> you can go that right, do anything you like, it's america (laughter) but i think the best way is to just sit back and feel it, man. improvisation is forever. everybody's always improvising. you might like reading scripts, but -- (audience reacts) (laughter) >> aye! >> stephen: how are ya? how are ya? >> doing good. >> stephen: great to have you here, man. great to have you. explain how your music works. you call it social music. >> yeah, it's social because it's meant to be shared. it's meant to be danced to, you can cry to it, laugh to it. the thing about social music is the world is global now, everything's more connected with internet and all this stuff, social media. so if you take music, i'm a jazz musician and that's what i wrote the music in but i draw from all styles. >> stephen: jazz is an american art form. >> yeah.

which i thought was pretty good idea. >> stephen: a pretty good idea? a pretty good idea? just look at our money. it took over 200 years for our currency to achieve the perfect balance of dead white guys and secret illuminati symbols. (cheers and applause) please accept my application. and think of the economic consequences here. if we put a woman on the $1 bill will will be worth only 77 cents. plus think about this. i mean just from a moral, just from a moral point of view if my wallet is filled with ladies, i can't keep it next to my butt, i'm a married man. and what about when you and your bros are having a night out if there is a female face on the money tucking into a g string might somehow feel demeaning to womenment and sure right now there aren't any women on our cash but there are plenty of portraits of women in other important places. bathroom signs, mud flaps, syrup bottles. and if women get on paper money i demand a mr. butterworths. where does obama expect to fit all these women. is he going to make new bills? what denomination will it be. 3, 7, shoe. more im

man give him a mask. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, so what truth can you ker tell with a mask that you can't tell with your face? >> that's a good point. >> stephen: thank you, we don't even have to go on, i guess. i like hear ug say that i made a good point. >> i mean-- for me i wanted-- i wanted to take the head with me and do all jobs with the head. it is very sort of liberating, i suppose, if you've gone to you know, halloween or a fancy dress party or anything and you wear a mask, it's quite liberating because you feel kind of invincible. people don't know who you are. >> stephen: do you go to fancy dress parties with a mask on. >> i like to. >> stephen: and eyes wide shut today. nice. can you hook a brother up while you're in town. >> there's one tonight. >> stephen: really, out on long island? send me an invitation. did you want to be a musician. you are an acker. you get to be a muss ig. you actually have a band. you guys are going to play here in a second. (cheers and applause) >> it's incredible too, the band, at's not just any band, it it's maggi

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much for joining us. folks,-- what a lovely mob. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, you know-- if you've been watching this show, if you've been watching this show for the past five years, and i hope su have been, it's no secret that barack obama is ruining our economy. ask yourself-- ask yourself this question. under his leadership are you as rich as you'd like to be? i know i could imagine me having more money. (laughter) well, just listen the latest monetary policy the president is getting from his so-called economic advisors. >> last week a young girl wrote to ask me why aren't there any women on our currency. and then she gave me like a long list of possible women to put on our dollar bills and quarters and stuff. which i thought was pretty good idea. >> stephen: a pretty good idea? a pretty good idea? just look at our money. it took over 200 years for our currency to achieve the perfect balance of dead white guys and secret illuminati symbols. (cheers and applause) please accept my application. and think of the economic c

a drink! it's amazing. yeah. all of this for $5. spork! ♪ >> stepheneverybody, my guest tonight played young magneto in the x-men movies. please welcome michael fassbender. michael thank you so much for coming. thanks for coming on. i'm a big fan, obviously the audience is too. (cheers and applause) >> now oscar nominated actor some of your films include inglorious was turds, shame, 12 years a slave, x-men movies. your new film "frank" opens in select cities august 15th and nationwide august 29th. how much of this movie is mutant robo nazi hunting. tell the good people what the movie is about. >> basically it's about this character john played by donald gleason who gets introduced to this band which is a very sort of avant-garde sort of misfit group of people playing music with various things from a toothbrush to a straw to a piece of corrugated iron. john is a very ambitious but lacking in talent in terms of a musician. >> stephen: i have met him. >> yes, back there. and the rest of the band are talented but without ambition. and it is sort of how the

i heard stephen a. ce, that a man has no business putting his hands on a woman and hell to pay for any man who did so to any woman in his family. i would like to think his reference to provoking wrong actions was an unartful way to say we need to de-escalate a situation in a hot domestic dispute. last monday's stephen a. delivered a taped apology and said this -- >> i words came across that it is somehow a woman's fault, this was not my intent. it is not what i was trying to say. yet the failure to clearly articulate something different lies squarely on my shoulders. to say what i actually said was foolish is an understatement. to say i was wrong is obvious, to apologize, to say i'm sorry, doesn't do the matter its proper justice, to be quite honest, but i do sincerely apologize. >> you know, the affect of the apology to give credibility about the complaints about stephen a. as his job suspension left further ert creed ens he'd done science egregious. the apology to lessen the opportunity in the future f

stephen: okay. why did-- why did you do that? were af fans coming up to you saying i love your music, i just hate you playing it. (laughter) >> i got tired of-- . >> stephen: dow ever feel any pressure when you've written something you think is good that you might screw it up when you record it. >> i think that all the time. i think there are songs that are good and then i record them and they're not as good. >> stephen: like they're perfect up here, they're perfect up here. >> or i can hear somebody else singing it better. >> stephen: that has been turned into an album as well. song leader, you produced that. >> a compilation. >> stephen: other people having recorded your music. >> and there a jack white song there an jeff tweedy from willco. >> stephen: are they better at your music than you are. >> i think they are, yeah. >> stephen: okay. >> yeah. i think i'm on to something. >> stephen: no, no. this latest album, i heard two of the songs you will be doing tonight. it is-- it's a softer, more contemplative, why beck-- is beck -- >>

a ton. i got everything i wanted. i always do. he seemed nice. (cheers and applause) >> stephenonight has starred in such films at 127 hours, milk and spring breakers. being type cast as a good actor. please welcome james franco. (cheers and applause) james, good to see you again, how are you. >> great. >> stephen: nice to see you. it's always nice. it's always really nice to have you here. >> i love being here well, james, you're an academy award nominated actor, director. poet, author, photographer, painter, conceptual artist. teacher. >> we're so much alike. >> yeah, yeah with. >> renaissance man. >> yeah. >> stephen: now you're currently a ph.d candidate, correct. >> yes. >> stephen: what are you going to do once you get your ph.d and are you dr. james franco. are you going to go back to general hospital? (laughter) >> i would be a doctor of english but-- but i till might go back to general hospital. >> stephen: you could diagnose people's diaries, correct their grammer. >> is there a form of -- >> i will teach but i'm already teaching it it won't really change, it actually

when did fortune become a socialist magazine. >> well, actually we're a capitalist magazine. >> stephen: got a funny way of showing it, al. >> well, more so than they are. because we actually worry about things like the long-term future of the united states, the long-term future of business, and the long-term future of corporate america. and if you go and talk to people, you will discover people are enraged by there. >> stephen: okay, you call this positively unamerican. why unamerican. these companies are still patriotic. because whether they're paying taxes or not in the united states, i'm sure they will still use all their corporate money to help elect officials who approve of their behavior. (applause) >> so that's very touching. (laughter) >> but we have this idea, or i have this idea that to be american you should act like a citizen. you shouldn't just take stuff from the country, which these companies have done, then decide you don't want to pay for it, but by the way we're actually all going to stay here. we'll just pay a lot less than we used to, or maybe nothing, but we'll hav

it takes on average 830 days to fire a teacher who has been found to be incompetent. >> stephen: who gets to say whether a teacher is a good or bad teacher. who gets to make that call. >> it's a combination of the principals and the people who are in charge of, you know, you have to evaluate. >> stephen: parents complaining. >> if a lot of parents are complaining, there is probably something to that. >> stephen: what if are you someplace where the parents don't want certain things taught to the kids, because i would love my kids not to be taught evolution. could i get a teacher fired if i believed evolution wasn't a good thing if they didn't have tenure. >> that is one of the arguments is that they're going to lose-- . >> stephen: i'm in the in the union. >> they are going to lose due process if we change these laws but that's simply not true. everybody has a right to due process and a right to a fair hearing. it's very hard to argue that a law that makes teacher layoff decisions or employment decisions solely based on seniority is the right thing to do. when you have the teacher of t

. >> stephen: it's just a major crisis. >> yeah? well, i'm an actor, you know. let me act like i'm helping. (laughter) lay it on me, man. >> stephen: i'm in a bit of a show business pickle. i'm not actually here tonight. >> where are you? >> stephen: i'm in l.a. the emmys were last night and i was nominated. >> oh! was i nominated? >> stephen: no. (bleep). >> stephen: what were we talking about? >> what were we talking about? >> stephen: me. you're not here? >> stephen: no. am i here? >> stephen: no. this is a pre-tape. you're in the past. >> when in the past? >> stephen: two weeks ago. oh. >> stephen: my question is, jeff, should i come back to do my show live in new york tonight, which involves me taking the red eye back from los angeles after the emmys, or should i just play a show i recorded two weeks ago? >> who was the guest?

the country again, honoring the fallen by taking steps to preserve their memory. >> espn analyst stephen a. smith off the air this week. the sports network suspended him for controversial comments he made about domestic abuse. he apologized on monday. >> i went beyond the scope of our discussion by alluding to a woman's role in such heinous matters going so far as to use the word "provoke." this was not my intent. it was not what i was trying to say. >> his original comment was made in response to the nfl's decision to suspend ray rice for the first two games of the season. rice pleaded guilty to charges related to a domestic incident involving his then-fiance, now wife in threak city. >> still ahead, an interesting deal for some amazon customers. why the website could pay for them to ship your item to you. bryan is back with the weekend forecast. will we see more showers and storms tomorrow? >> bryan we're talking about the potential for rain? >> we're so used to these beautiful weekends. some people are complaining because it's too chilly. >> kind of muggy out there this evening. a coupl

>> yes. >> stephen: what's being done here? >> this is in avince in rio, and those are faces and eyes of women from the community, that are the pillars of their community, but when you look in the middle, you only see violence. >> stephen: very dangerous. it is, but about 80% of the population are having a normal life. that's what i wanted to high light. this is brazil. >> stephen: why women? you know, because when i was looking at tv, all i was seeing was men with girls and drugs, and when i went there, i actually saw women carrying their community, carrying their children. >> stephen: these are ordinary people (applause) why not -- these are ordinary people. why not take pictures of famous peopler celebrities? (laughter) because, a, we know how to get photographs and, b, people love looking at us. even shakespeare wrote about kings and queens. why make your art about women nobody looks at? >> when i went there first, i didn't see you. >> stephen: you didn't invite me (laughter) here's another one you did, this is in the west bank and israel.

a strawberry. brewed like an ale. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! s and applause) folks, i don't know about you, but way back in the day when i was a little kid and i needed a question answered i always used to turn to my favorite family member, tv. (laughter) it answered all the big questions like what's happening and who's the boss and howdy doody! and now i'd like to use tv to answer your questions in my weekly viewer mail segment i do twice a year. it's time to check the inbox. (laughter) here's today's viewer letter. here you are. dear stephen, which is the superior sandwich the b.l.t. or club. please settle this, i've got a lot of money riding on it, sincerely pope francis, the vatican. okay, your holeness holiness, ie avoided this for years because b.l.t. versus club is politics. it dates back to palestine and could use or muslims eat the sandwich. on the one hand, you have the b.l.t., an honest sandwich that teleses you everything you need to know up front. it has bacon, lettuce and tomato. on the other hand, you've got the club. what does th

yes. >> stephen: have you ever had a bad experience with the air b & b? . >> stephen: if you had said yes, as c.e.o., i would have fired you. >> i stayed with a woman with a parrot and that was a little awkward. >> stephen: one of my writers recently at the show stayed at an air b & b for about a month and when she left, the host gave her a wide screen tv and two naked mannequins. is that standard protocol? >> well, i think the idea is that a little bit you never know what you're going to get, and i think many people become friends after and there's this wonderful cultural exchange. for an example, tonight around the world 375,000 people are staying together in 160 countries. >> stephen: wow! (applause) what's your percentage on that? >> we take 13% off every booking. >> stephen: wow! and the world cup, one in five people, 120,000, were also staying in air b & b. >> stephen: welcome! that's right. >> stephen: here's your broken bottle. >> exactly. (laughter) >> stephen: is there any place you want to be? >> we're in every country except north korea, iran,

a long way. when i was in drama school. >> stephen: oh my god. ith a medical school down the road and sometimes they would come and improvise as some sort of sexual dysfunction in their relationship for the doctors to learn from. so we without get all these real cases and then we would have to pretend we were then and they would have to work out the problem. at one point the problem was that the couple, they couldn't understand why they weren't getting preg nance-- pregnant and it turned out the couple were having sex in each other's armpits. >> stephen: was it good? >> i can understand how he has sex in her arm pit. but i can't understand how she has sex in his armpit. >> how much dow have to learn, stephen. >> stephen: that might be what-- is. >> as an acker doing this, what kind of research did you do. did you have to do any sex research. >> i did the sex once and i have a beautiful dar lily. as a result. >> are you clapping for my daughter or the sex i had. so i did it the once it was like going to school, on the first day of school i went. my

. >> stephen: it's just a major crisis. >> yeah? well, i'm an actor, you know. let me act like i'm helping. (laughter) lay it on me, man. >> stephen: i'm in a bit of a show business pickle. i'm not actually here tonight. >> where are you? >> stephen: i'm in l.a. the emmys were last night and i