. >>> stephen colbert counts down the minutes until conservatives must fall in love with mitt romney. we'll watch the clock with colbert later in the show. >>> first to the news live at 5:30 a.m., here at 30 rock. after mons of campaigning the single biggest day in the republican presidential race is here with 11 states including wyoming caucuses and more than 400 delegates up for grabs, the next 16 or so hours will go a long way in dertermining the nominee and perhaps the next president of the united states. much of the focus is on ohio, a key battleground and must-win for republicans. as of now the numbers suggest ohio, anybody's game. three different polls in the last 24 hours show mitt romney and rick santorum in a statistical tie in ohio. both candidates spending yesterday there in ohio in a last campaign push before the polls open in a couple hours this morning. santorum focused his closing arguments on attacking mitt romney citing reports he suggested his state's health care law could be used as a model for the entire country. >> bad enough to be for a government mandated healt

stephen t. "most def" colbert, dfa. dictated, not read. [ laughter ] what a nice letter. you know what? ould call him. hang on a minute. [ dial tone ] >> hello. >> jimmy: hey, stephen? it's jimmy. >> oh, hey, jimmy. hey, how are you, man? >> jimmy: i'm good. i just got your letter. >> oh? [ laughter ] you did? >> jimmy: i agree. it was so much better when we were best friends forever for six months. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so, um -- >> yeah? >> jimmy: um, you know, do you -- >> do i what? >> jimmy: um -- >> go on. >> jimmy: so -- >> come on. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you want to try to -- do you want to try to be friends again? >> oh, that would be so great, jimmy! we can -- we can restart our karaoke team. >> jimmy: and this time we'll win! >> oh, yeah. hey, did you get the present i sent you? >> jimmy: what, the rabbit? >> no, the big present. >> jimmy: no -- guys, did we get a present from stephen colbert? whoa! ♪ whoa! this is the fabled 100-gallon pipe. there must be enough ice cream in there for everyone. let's get some spoons and open it! [ cheers and applause ] >> not so fast! [ cheer

you want to buy my best-seller stephen colbert's how to win a coin toss every time. (laughter) this book, this book has been the winning ingredient in two of the last ten superboums. here's the secret. a coin has two sides. always pick heads if it's a president's head. never bet on sacajawea. the indian's lost the whole continent. they're to the going to win a coin toss. and obviously now, obviously i'm talking about american coins only. not canadian. they're metric. not sure how many sides they have. anyway, the point is, call me abc news. heads. (cheers and applause) >> and folks, random luck doesn't have anything to do with politics either. if you want to win, you've got to have a super pac. take the wisconsin primary next tuesday. do you think wisconsinites would like rick santorum given that he is a wheel of colby cheese. not that sharp and holier than thou. (applause) but in recent polls santorum is eight points behind mitt romney in part because romney and his super pac are outspending rick santorum 50 to 1. 50 to 1. also, the ratio of wives romney's great gra

algae coming out of the texaco station, not yet anyway. >>> we've been keeping you abreast of stephen colbertountdown clock, the countdown to conservatives falling in love with mitt. nearly exploded after soouper tuesday's primary results. here's colbert last night. >> oh, no. two minutes, 45 seconds, really? aren't i supposed to get a last meal first? i'm scared. pull it together, colbert. grow up! everybody has to compromise. except anyone in congress. play the pundits telling me he's the inevitable nominee. >> no knockout blow for mitt romney. >> rick santorum managed to slip the punch, slipped the knockout punch. >> wait! it's not over. rick santorum slipped the knockout punch. romney did not close the deal last night. i've got more time. oh, god. i have to stop the clock before it goes off. okay. okay. by which one? do i cut the white wire? the off white wire? or the beige wire? if only one of these wires appeal to latinos. okay. all right. here goes nothing. [ bleep ]. wait a second. i know, i know. i'll just hit the snooze button. yes. yes. okay. four more days. [ applause ] >> four mo

tavis: stephen colbert. everybody understands what a joke this super pac stuff is. >> they called me, and they are not very interested in me, i said, look, i have been all over the country trying to explain this. even though i am funnier than stephen colbert, he is doing a pretty good job of explaining it. this is a genius. what a boring, arcane subject, and somehow, he brings it to light, and it is a real public service. i think that is why people are talking about it. how often are people talking about a supreme court decision? people are so aware of this that the supreme court is getting nervous, and there are people in the white house that when they hear what you just said, they have got a chance to walk away from this. it is not too late. tavis: i am not sure they listen to me in the obama white house. they should, but -- as we are talking about this, michael moore and i were together for a symposium were together, and he said right into the camera, "mr. president, you are going to win it." these guys s

when we come back, we'll huddle around the water cooler to watch stephen colbert hold a super tuesdaykout? we'll explain this one when we come back. [ female announcer ] the best things in life are the real things. nature valley trail mix bars are made with real ingredients you can see. like whole roasted nuts, chewy granola, and real fruit. nature valley trail mix bars. 100% natural. 100% delicious. [ male announcer ] for our families... our neighbors... and our communities... america's beverage companies have created a wide range of new choices. developing smaller portion sizes and more low- & no-calorie beverages... adding clear calorie labels so you know exactly what you're choosing... and in schools, replacing full-calorie soft drinks with lower-calorie options. with more choices and fewer calories, america's beverage companies are delivering. like a ramen noodle- every-night budget. she thought allstate car insurance was out of her reach. until she heard about the value plan. dollar for dollar, nobody protects you like allstate. >>> if you're just waking up, mitt romney won a sk

. >> stephen colbert's mysteries of the ancient unknown. yo mamma jokes. this babylonian gut buster is thought to predate even the earliest biblical yo mamma joke, from genesis 4:8 and abel said unto canio momma is so fat she doesn't wear a figure leaf, she wears a fig tree. and cane did slay his brother. now we may never understand the true mystery behind this even earlier yo mamma joke but scholars suspect it was hilarious. because a nearby shard of pottery has been translated to read, ah, snap. so many questions. i mean who was this momma. who did she have intercourse with and did she really enjoy the fruit of the euphrates valley big black dates. and just how fat was she. when she sat around the ziggurat did she sit around the ziggurat. folks this is the first major development in prechristian zingology since the discovery of hieroglyphics depicting the ancient egyptian performer amen-gal-agher smashing a pomegranite with his ango matic. we must not rest until all the secrets are uncovered. perhaps we can find clues in the other jokes on the tablet. jo

it is called "stephen colbert's virtual conservagoggles with matching republicagloves. let me just strap in here. all right. nation, would you like to join me on a voyage to late summer of 2012? [cheering and applause] well, i'm sorry, you can't. [laughter] because there's no output jack to this thing, so instead i'll just describe what i'm virtually experiencing. let me set the coordinates for tampa. [beeping sequence] >> goggles engage. oh, my god, i'm here. i'm in tampa. it's so real. and hot. i'm cyberschlitzing. i'm walking into the convention center. oh, the hall is filled with republican celebrities. hello, patricia heaton. hello, major dad. oh, now i'm riding a horse. i'm ride a horse. i'm riding fast, and i'm walking again. good boy. good boy. oh, it's a world where the physical laws don't apply. where's my body? i have a tentacle for hand. and my other hand is a laser cannon and here come the zombies. get behind me, patricia heaton. take that. take that zombie scum. got 'em. oh, now it makes sweet love to me, patricia heaton. don worry. don't worry. i'm not us

stephen colbert formula four o'one, fresh from my barney stone. tipo the morning to you, the tip, of course, the most sensitive part. i'm glad to help out my fellow irish and this weekend i will be tearing it up at the local traditional irish pundit gathering at o'hanrahan's. i play the boren, hannity played tin whistle, oh, reilly step dances, and chris matthews is on the potato. i always wrestle with how to honor the old sod on st. patrick's day, but this year it will be easy thanks to a special package i received from an actual irish whiskey company who shall remain nameless because there was no cash in the bag. no free rides. they also included this authentic irish cultural garment. ( laughter ) ( applause ) finally, finally, someone treating the irish with dignity. ( laughter ) too often these days we're stereotyped as ex-cia operatives on the hunt for their kidnapped daughters or fighters of gray wolves or mentors to the batman. but at least, around irish product is respectfully representing my people as drunken amish. ( laughter ) ( applaus

. >> some of the late night humor from jon stewart and stephen colbert, conan o'brien on super tuesday last night. this is "washington today" on c-span radio. >>> author maggie anderson discusses a book, one black year, in which her family tried to buy everything it needed from black-owned businesses. >> we assumed that stuff was there but weren't living up to our duty to find and support it. we had no idea if we went to the west side, we would not find those businesses owned by the people who lived there. like you do if you were to look for an asian owned business or chinese owned business in chinatown or greek owned business in greektown. we assumed that the same phenomena would exist in a black community. >> maggie anderson discusses her book, one black year this friday on c-span radio, 7:00 p.m. eastern on afterwards. >>> c-span radio is wc -- around the country on xm satellite radio and washington today continues. > >>> we're getting the support i need to become the nominee. >> we had a good night but so did governor romney. that's why we have to start anew here. we have to do wel

. >> some of the late-night humor from jon stewart, stephen colbert, conan o'brien last night on super tuesday. this is "washington today" on c-span radio. >> on afterwards this friday on c-span radio, maggie anderson discusses "one black year" in which her family tried to buy everything it needed from black-owned businesses. >> all that stuff was there but we weren't living up to our duty to find and support them. we had no idea if we were to go to the west side we would not find those businesses owned by the people who lived there, like you do if you were to look for an asian-owned business, chinese-owned business, chinatown, a greek-owned business in greek town. we assumed the same phenomenon, you'd find black-owned businesses. >> "one black year" with crish sha thompson of "the washington post." this friday on c-span radio 7:00 p.m. eastern on "afterwards." >>> c-span radio is around the country on xm satellite radio channel 119 and "washington today" continues.

stephen colbert testified on immigration -- immigrant workers in character.ere is the article from "to huffington post." host: there was a profit to be made from the public taxpayer funded forum on one of the nation's most important issues. host: that is from stephen colbert's testimony in 2010. john in annapolis, maryland. what you think about celebrities'impact on public policy? caller: there is no doubt that they are given a special status based on their platform. they have specialized training in speaking. i think your indication of using notes and speaking is an indication of george clooney's ability to articulate the situation. we as citizens need to think critically about what people are saying, not just follow a tweet because someone started the most recent blog. host: that was done in annapolis. here is "the wall street journal." their editorials beginning with -- their editorials today. the proper course is to align the forces -- host: john mccain has the opposing editorial. host: those are both in "usa today" this morning. back to your calls and on

he loves stephen colbert. he hates "the office." >> jimmy: why? >> he doesn't get it. it's so shaky. [ laughter ] he doesn't think it's funny. >> jimmy: why doesn't he think it's funny? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: why did he tell you this? >> exactly. beyond that, you don't think it's funny, half of your grandchildren are on it. but he's like -- i like that he doesn't pretend to watch it. i'll talk to him about an episode. and he's like, i haven't seen it. i don't watch that show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what a lovely grandpa. >> he is very good. >> jimmy: maybe he'll like "21 jump street." maybe that's more up his ally. i thought the movie was very funny. i think that's going to be a huge hit. >> i hope so. >> jimmy: you play the teacher. >> miss griggs, yes. >> jimmy: i don't want to give too much away. i'll let you give it away. >> she finds two teeth -- no. she is a teacher -- my character has a crush on the -- they go as undercover cops to high school. >> jimmy: yes. i will. and i won't give too much away. but the movie is very funny. congratulations. i'm glad. i ho

. >> okay, so stephen colbert has the countdown clock to loving mitt romney.g to love mitt romney, abby? >> what is so sad it shows how divided the party is. it's so harmful if romney is the eventual romney, going to make it difficult for him to form that narrative to bring that party together and the longer this goes on the harder it will be. >> or does it bring closer to mitt romney because they look at rick santorum and say look we want to beat the president. that's what we want to do. >> he has that base that loves what he says, just because he's like that. they're not going anywhere. >> there is a whole sector of ideological pureisms, not just the tea party folk not comfortable with mitt romney for many reasons and nt rick santorum going kamikaze, making robo calls telling democrats to vote in the election to mess things up, and you have him basically saying vote owe ba marx that's disastrous stuff. it will make people stay home. it will make a bunch of the party stay home. >> i disagree. i think this republican party is, just because it's divided does no

stephen colbert is poking fun at the latest one. >> i recall at one parade where he was going down thet, he was led by a band and his band did not know how to play the michigan fight song, only knew how to play the wisconsin fight song. every time they would play "on wisconsin" my dad's people would jump up and try to get them to stop because they didn't want people in michigan to be reminded my dad moved production to wisconsin. >> good stuff! it's like on the blue collar comedy tour if the comedy was about losing blue collar jobs. >> very funny. but are they punch lines for tv ov or hurt his chances? our political gut check is next. [ monica ] i'm away on a movie shoot and it hasn't been going exactly as planned. [ director ] cut. cut! [ monica ] i thought we'd be on location for 3 days -- it's been 3 weeks. so i had to pick up some more things. good thing i've got the citi simplicity card. i don't get hit with a fee if i'm late with a payment... which is good because on this job, no! bigger! [ monica ] i may not be home for a while. [ male announcer ] the citi simplicity card. no la

recall stephen colbert's report of the mitt clock.ere's what happened to that colbert countdown. >> bring up the countdown to loving mitt clock. oh no. 2 minutes and 45 seconds. just play the pundits telling me he's the inevitable nominee. >> no knockout for super tuesday. >>. not waking up with the clear front runner. >> romney did not close the deal last night. i have more time. i have to stop the clock before it goes off. i know. i'll just hit the snooze button. yes. yes. okay. four more days. that puts off my accepting mitt until saturday's primaries in wyoming, guam, and the virgin islands. the big three. >> wow. i think tuesday was the last of those countdowns. at least for awhile. next up, the guam caucus just mentioned. mitt romney and rick santorum are reaching out to the islands' republican leaders and santorum is in damage control out there. why? let's go back to january and santorum's plan for banishing judges he considers too liberal. >> i want to be responsible. i want to be respectful of the constitution because there i

. >> lot of them are the big themes like stephen colbert and jimmy familiar only. o'brien, bill maher. all irish heritage. denis leary. will ferrell has a new movie. a spanish move write. ben stiller, molly shannon, bill murray. des bishop, we don't know him very well in the states but hysterical in ireland. >> who do you think is going to win the most fun write? >> i think it is -- probably going to be will ferrell. he's -- in my opinion the funniest irishman out there. >> i think he's pretty funny. i have to admit. what do you plan to do, green beer tomorrow? >> absolutely. what time sit? i will do green beer in five minutes, as soon as the show is over. >> mcfly is that irish? >> of course. yeah. mcfly? absolute. >> i have a great weekend. >> thanks a lot. >> it will be fun. >> happy st. patrick's day. >> let's take a look at the stories we are followinging on news4 this afternoon. a hair affair week before the opening of the much anticipated hunger games. we go behind the scenes with one of the designers who helped bring the balk characters to life for the big

here's stephen colbert on the latest. >> it looks like it's going to be mitt romney's night.strong leads in massachusetts, vermont, virginia, and idaho. no surprise, it's the potato state. and mitt is nothing if not pale and starchy. it's purely mathematical. i and fellow conservatives will eventually yield to the inevitability of mitt romney. let's put the countdown to loving mitt clock up. how long do i got? oh god. 23 hours, 58 minutes. i can't breathe. it's bad luck for the bride to see the man you agreed to marry before you want to. >> sounds like they are giving it a bad name. no one is denying the republican candidates have been dragged through the mud by opponents in the heat of the race. but for rick santorum, there's glory in this struggle. a real david and goliath fight. here he is in an interview with abc news. >> we're winning. whether we end up with the most votes, we're winning. i'm being outspent here. i feel like that's not even suitable for the amount of pounding that that super pac. it's negative ad after negative ad, and yet here we are. hanging in this ra

stephen t colbert, dfa. >> where's the pretty lady? >> oh, that say two, my friend. a quick disclaimer, minot a medical doctor, i am a doctor of fine arts, which is why after i performed surgery most people say, my five-year-old could have done that. (laughter) as always, cheating death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals, prescott, quality drugs since 1989. established 1910. first up, nassal health. folks, i'm a long time subscribers to the anals of otology, rhinology and lar ingology. i read it for the hot ossicles on cochlea action. and apparently there is an exciting new way to stop nosebleeds. according to the article cured salted pork crafted as a nassal tampon-- tampon and stopped in the nasa vault stop nassal hemorrhage promptly. that's right, the hero once again is lifesaving bacon. i assume the deck teac teach-- technique-- i assume the tech affect was discovered when someone was shoving bacon into every available hole. now dr. sonia saraiya explain how these bacon blockers work. >> we think it works because the salt in the pork actually makes all