captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org hugh jackman neil patrick harris

i captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central onight small town values are under attack. oh, no, did that footloose kid start dancing again? then is the government trying to get inside our heads? why else would they have a secretary of the interior? and my guest kevin spacey stars in the house of cards as a scheming congressman. i'll asked him why he switched to documentaries. in boston, mobster whitey bulger has been convicted on 31 counts. here in new york, tighty whitey bulger continues his run for mayor. this is is the colbert report. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if you watch this show -- and i hope you do -- you know that i am a proud supporter and occasional savior of the winter olympics. in 2010, the colbert nation sponsored the u.s. speedskaters who took home the gold but, folks, i'm no hero. i'm the guy who fun

bye, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central onight, troubling news from the arctic. that iceberg that sunk the titanic has never been brought to justice. then how much should voters know about the candidates? i'd say more than mitt romney, less than anthony weiner. and my guest, dr. atul gawande has written about how ideas catch on. i always heard you got them from a toilet seat. cnn is offering do's and don't's for summertime sex. first don't: watch cnn. sthis is the colbert report. ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: you know, folks, you know, folks, what you just did there... [ cheers and applause ] please, folks. i've got tell you, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. that chanting of my name you just did, i don't care what anybody says, that's the song of the summer. [ cheers and applause ] nation, folks, if you watch this show you know i always bring you the hottest developments from aroun

by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org th earlier - much earlier - tha > >> your realtime captionerda marie macdonald >>> in just the past few minutes, kpix 5 has learned the new span of the bay bridge could open much earlier than any of us expected. good evening, i'm elizabeth cook. >> i'm allen martin. we are going to begin with that breaking news about the bay bridge. kpix 5 has learned that the feds are giving caltrans the green light on a major fix for the bad bolts. here's the critical part. the approved solution could allow the bridge to open as originally planned just after labor day weekend. the news comes from the federal highway administration. the agency spent the last few weeks evaluating the idea of using steel shims to temporarily stabilize the structure. they are giving caltrans the okay to begin work on that project. as part of their findings, the federal highway administration wrote, we see no reason to delay opening the bridge to traffic prior to the shear key retrofit being completed. the ultimate fix for the bat bolds is the steal saddle that will hold the bridg

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org roup at wgbh access.wgbh.orgur realtime captioner: linda marie macdonald >>> breaking news tonight about the bart labor dispute. what it means for your monday morning commute. >> good evening, i'm allen martin. >> i'm elizabeth cook. let's get right to ryan takeo who is live in oakland with how bart was betting big that there would be no strike. ryan. >> reporter: high, elizabeth. good evening to you, hi, elizabeth. it's going to be a crucial next two days. we'll break down the next 48 hours for you now. now, tonight, both sides can continue to negotiate. and all day tomorrow with no limitations. but if they don't reach an agreement by sunday morning at 9 a.m., the governor is going to court in san francisco to request a 60-day cooling-off period. he can issue an order barring a strike if he decides that it will disrupt public transportation and endanger the public's health, safety or welfare. but this was not news the unions wanted to hear. >> we wish that the governor had not made an announcement that he was go

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ng sponsored by cbsioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> your realtime captioner: linda marie macdonald >> a degree for a job that doesn't exist anymore. yeah, $200,000 in debt. >> bay area students and their parents feeling the pinch of outrageous college tuition. now president obama has a new plan to drive costs down. good evening, i'm allen martin. >> i'm elizabeth cook. essentially, the president wants to shame schools into keeping tuition low. >> we can't price the middle class and everybody working together to get into the middle class out of a college education. >> reporter: proposes a new college rating system to tie school performance to federal financial aid. the better they do, the more tax money they get and vice versa. the average four-year tuition has tripled in the past 30 years. and americans now owe more than a trillion dollars in student loan debt. new students at san francisco state are already doing the math. >> reporter: elizabeth, 2500 freshmen moving in today and i

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org that'sl from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). >> john: welcome to the "daily show." i'm john oliver. i am still in for jon stewart who is scourge competing to be america's next top model. oh, no, they voted him out! they voted him-- don't listen to them, jon. you're beautiful on the inside! and there is no shame being more catalog than editorial. that's a

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org that'sd to fly ♪ ♪ like the birds that you see ♪ ♪ way up in the sky ♪ makin' circles in the morning sun ♪ ♪ flyin' high in the sky till the day is done ♪ ♪ i can't break away ♪ like a child in his fantasy ♪ ♪ punchin' holes in the walls of reality ♪ ♪ yeah ♪ all my life i wanted to fly ♪ ♪ but i don't have the wings and i wonder why ♪ ♪ i can't break away

,x8=px captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgal from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. my name is john oliver. jon stewart still not here in a huge deal. he's actually being taken over by amazon ceo jeff bezos. such a shame. jon stewart proudly owned himself for 50 years. our guest tonight from the new film "paranoia" liam hemsworth is here. [ cheers and applause ] but we start tonight with a subject everybody loves: taxes. who in america doesn't grow up excitedly leaving a box of your old receipts at the foot of your bed on april 15 eve hoping that if you've been good an accountant from the north pole will show up on his magic sleigh and reward you with a surprisingly large invoice from

q(q(q(j+zá6á-á-á+ááááá captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhet 'em. - nope. that didn't-- that didn't work at all. ow. ow. - a little bit. hey, if you guys see anything ninja-related, tell me, 'cause i am back on my ninja kick. - okay. - i'm gonna get a shower radio, so i can literally rog out with my cog out. - or we could just stick to the camping list, get the supplies we need, right? - definitely, but first, i want to get the stuff that i want to get first. - yeah. - know what i'm saying? - i'm gonna do that too. - all right, just-- you know, travel shampoos. look for 'em. come on, 35 bucks? for what? oh, plugs into the car. that's cool. - going camping there, paul bunyan? - uh, no, me and my buddies are gonna follow a concert tour, so we're just gonna, like, be camping out. - that sounds fun. - yeah, it should be. i'm not really a great outdoors guy, though. you know, unless there's a bald-headed bear. - yeah. - from the movie, um-- - what movie's that? - it's the great outdoors. what are you doing? - shh. - i don't think we should-- are y

p.,@ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org that'squarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the daily show, my name is john oliver. i'm still here, unfortunately, for jon stewart who is currently attempting to break the world record for smashing the most watermelons with his head in under two minutes. he's-- (laughter) es he's good. he spent the time well. my guest tonight author of a new book about the life of riply's believe if or not creator robert riply neal thompson is here. but before we left last week we discussed how ridiculous it was that the 2016 presidential election speculation had already begun. could it be hill roe clinton, probably. could it be chris christie, possibly. could it be rand paul, absolutely not. (laughter) >> that is not going to happen. but all this speculation launched our new segment can't you at least wait until jon stewart comes back. because as you know, 2016 is three years away. and i'm only here for two m

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org hank: dang it! i'm out of clean socks!-dang it! even tastier? new quality ingredients. we now have premium cuts of meat, like 100% angus beef... and hickory ham. that's right, baby. [ female announcer ] and our tasty new buttery seasoned crusts. then...we add hot. ♪ because hot makes everything better. [ female announcer ] new hot pockets... mmmm. [ female announcer ] ...with premium cuts of meat and new buttery seasoned crusts. better taste. better quality. [ ding! ] ♪ hot pockets! [ female announcer ] nestle. good food. good life. >> announcer: the following is a paid presentation for the nutribullet, brought to you by nutribullet, llc. [♪...] >> ...my muscle aches, my backaches really started to decrease significantly in one week. >> the first night that i actually used the nutribullet, i actually slept really well. that was exciting. that was phenomenal. >> the bad cholesterol, which was 290, went down to 190. >> the changes that i saw in myself and my family were just amazing. >> announcer: join these people and thous

. / captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( captioning made possible by comedy central ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

kevin spacey, "house of car captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - okay, we can relax with pep. and then add a little jeff garlic to curb the enthusiasm of the... [phone ringing] lawry's! [clears throat] hello, sir! yeah, how are you, dad? i'm just at the house going over some business stuff. you know, working overtime. - oh! shipment has arrived!

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> fish are biting in the water of sweden. >> it's known for crushing nuts and fish with its powerful jaws. but get this: the fish can also captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! whoo! (audience chanting "stephen") welcome to the "report," everybody, good to have you with us. thanks so much. folks, like most americans out there i love waking up to my pals over at the "today" show. i watch all nine hours every morning. (laughter) it's my one stop shop for news, sports, weather and who's sharting in the white house. (laughter) well, on friday "today" had my favorite rapper, flo-rida. the last black man willing to be associated with the state of florida. (laughter) far and away mr. rida is the best state-named based rapper out there. even better than i sda ho. (laughter) illin' noise and, orthodox jewish hip-hop artist ari zo

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheersdy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. [ cheers and applause ] my name is john oliver. i am still sitting in for jon stewart who has been spending the entire summer at training camp with the new york giants. apparently he's extremely happy and in almost constant pain. our guest tonight tv legend and host of the new show crowd goes wild on fox 1 regis philbin is here. [ cheers and applause ] oh, yes, indeed. we start tonight with the news media. now, personally i get all my news from jon stewart and the daily show. which is why i have absolutely no idea what's been happening this summer. but apparently some people

that's it for the report, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhss.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> welcome to the daily show, my name is john oliver. i'm still here, unfortunately, for jon stewart who is currently attempting to break the world record for smashing the most watermelons with his head in under two minutes. he's-- (laughter) es he's good. he spent the time well. my guest tonight author of a new book about the life of riply's believe if or not creator robert riply neal thompson is here. but before we left last week we discussed how ridiculous it was that the 2016 si

[captioned by the caption center wgbh e educational foundation] okay.star wars universe? yes. were you in the original trilogy? yes. oh, is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini? god, i hope not. and no, i'm not princess leia. okay, okay. my turn. um... are you in all six star wars movies? yes. interesting. are you a droid? yes. do you kind of look like a shiny sheldon? yes. c-3po. you got it. that's preposterous. i do not resemble c-3po. don't get me wrong. i'm flattered. i just don't see it. (cell phone plays "she blinded me with science") leslie winkle. you've reached "friends with benefits." for a booty call, press one now. what exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? does he provide her with health insurance? no. look, uh... imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted. i'm sorry, i can't imagine any of that. all right, back to the game. i believe it's my turn. you may begin your questions whenever you're ready. are you spock? i don't like th

/// captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> that's our show, thank you for watching and or listening. my sendoff show episode 12 is on tomorrow night, on comedy central. we'll be here all next week. please join us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> once i got the opportunity, i was in business. so kids i want to you listen up. never talk a good job down. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation... >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: please, sit down, everybody. please, we've got to get going. folks, nation, lock your doors and board up your windows because america is in a state of panic. i hope you're wearing a clean diaper because the united states government in cooperation with cable news has once again taken us to code brown. jim? >> high alert. is an attack imminent? >> americans have been put on notice

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org hugh jackman neil patrick harris patty lupone stephen colbert audra mcdonald ...and many more come together for a celebration of america's performing arts... the pbs arts fall festival, friday nights starting in october, only on pbs. "the electric company" is brought to you by... find your voice and share it, american greetings, proud sponsor of "the electric company." agreement from the u.s. department of education's ready to learn grant, and viewers like you, thank you. you 5 words. to inspire people is to encourage them to make or do things. your signature is your name written down in your own special way. a petition is a letter that people sign to get what they want. verify means to prove something's true. preserve means to keep something the way it is and protect it. all right, so now we have... watch out for them in today's show. - and the next room of tour is the famous little green room from j.t. bookbinder's story "good night robot," about-- - the night saverstock's bedroom turned into a spaceship. - that's right. maybe

[captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation] ("man!ying) ♪ going out tonight, i'm feeling all right ♪ ♪ gonna let it all hang out ♪ wanna make some noise, really raise my voice ♪ ♪ yeah, i wanna scream and shout ♪ ♪ de-de-de, de-de-de-de-de, uh ♪ ♪ gonna... morning, sheldon. come dance with me. no. why not? penny, while i subscribe to the "many worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of sheldons in an infinite number of universes, i assure you that in none of them am i dancing. are you fun in any of them? the math would suggest that in a few i'm a clown made of candy. but i don't dance. all right, want some french toast? it's oatmeal day. tell you what, next french toast day, i will make you oatmeal. dear lord, are you still going to be here on french toast day? morning. look, leonard, penny made french toast. sorry. i haven't given her your schedule yet. it's an ical download. she can put it right in her phone. and i thought we agreed that you'd have your conjugal visits in her apartment. we did, but there were

[captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation]  licenseease. what's this? uhh, it's my geico insurance id card, sir. it's digital, uh, pretty cool right? maybe. you know why i pulled you over today? because i'm a pig driving a convertible? tail light's out.. fix it. digital insurance id cards. just a click away with the geico mobile app. previously on the big bang theory... i am going to the arctic circle with leonard, wolowitz, and koothrappali. for three months? yes. what did you mean when you said you were going to miss me? (sighs) it means i wish you weren't going. oh, thank god we're home. i can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell. it was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening. i don't know what arctic expedition you guys were on, but i thought it was a hoot and a half. oh, hi, mom. no, i told you i'd call you when i got home. i'm not home yet. all right, i'm home. the arctic expedition was a remarkable success. i'm all but certain there's a nobel prize in my future. actually, i shouldn't say that. i'

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> that's our show, thank you for watching and or listening. my sendoff show episode 12 is on tomorrow night, on comedy central. we'll be here all next week. please join us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> once i got the opportunity, i was in business. so kids i want to you listen up. never talk a good job down. . >> tonight shocking news out of bit mo, something got out of gitmo. then san diego's mayor get as caused of gross sexual misconduct. in a related story the san diego zoo is expecting a baby panda. and my guest brian cranston stars in the final season of breaking bad but don't worry the story c ontinues in america's crippling meth epidemic. (laughter) science can now grow teeth from stem cells found in ur-- urine so careful next time your dentist says open wide. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephe

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheersoning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> john: welcome to "the daily show"! my name is john oliver, i'm still here for jon stewart who, due to a comical mixup, is currently hosting "the doily show" america's greatest satirical lace centerpiece program. (laughter) he is eviscerating that lace work and that's a direct copy quote. our guest tonight is senator rand paul, he's going to be with us. (cheers and applause) he's also where we begin tonight. what has senator paul been up to? >> senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. >> he has planned to visit south carolina and nevada. >> tomorrow he headlines a g.o.p. dinner new hampshire. >> i know rand paul, i think he'll run in 2016. >> what stands between the paul dynasty and 2016? >> well, i'll tell you the first thing that stands between them, three (bleep)ing years! (laughter)

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two.wo, three... ♪ ♪ (whirring) (whooshing) (static, trilling) (tones playing) (tones playing) (tones playing) (tones playing) i don't know if you've heard the news, but it's good, everyone. i fixed my hearing aid. (squealing) (tones playing)

. ÷ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

of cards )bb0f[p"p"4dpÑ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhaccess.wgbh.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. my name is john oliver. jon stewart still not here in a huge deal. he's actually being taken over by amazon ceo jeff bezos. such a shame. jon stewart proudly owned himself for 50 years. our guest tonight from the new film "paranoia" liam hemsworth is here. [ cheers and applause ] but we start tonight with a subject everybody loves: taxes

salinger is saying captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgchappelle's show, chappelle's show ♪ ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ chappelle's show ♪ ow! ♪ whoo-hoo-hoo! ♪ whoo-hoo! ♪ yeah, yeah. [♪...] let's start the show. [♪...] man: dave chappelle, come on down. you're the next black comedian to get his own show! [the price is right theme playing...] oh, my god, i did it. hey, everybody, what's up? [laughing] welcome, welcome, everybody, to chappelle's show. as you see, i am "dizzle". [laughter] you know, i've been watching the news and reading the papers. and i've been seeing that there's been a lot of, like, scandalous behavior. like, these, uh, these major corporations, they rip everybody off. the enrons and tycos and all this stuff. they don't be gettin' no time. they don't get no time in jail. i gotta get in on this being white thing. [laughter] it's like there's two legal systems, damn near. it'd be better if they-- just for, like, maybe three days, if like... they actually put those guys through the legal system that we all hav

tearing out your-- tearing captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us! >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. (cheers and applause) folks, folks, you know we are still-- if you know anything about the news business, folks, august is notoriously a slow news month. who can forget the summer of '75 when walter cronkite did a ten part series on spoons, the middle child of the dinner table. (laughter) still, every few augusts you get a story so big you can't help but sink your teeth into it. and tonight i'm proud to say we have the latest on the gripping story of the rodeo clown who put on an obama mask. (laughter) yes, i'm sure you all know. some said the media would be thrown off this rodeo story in a second. (laughter) but nobody, nobod

(tormented screams) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). >> john: welcome to the "daily show." my name is john oliver. i am still sitting in for jon stewart who is spending the summer with a lonely millionaire. sigh what you will-- he's making $3,000 and he doesn't have to kiss on the mouth. so don't judge. our guest tonight stars in "lovelace," hank azaria is with us. very, very good. but we begin tonight with congress. >> a new cnn poll shows just how fed up we are with congress. 77% disapprove of how congress is handling its job. >> john: congratulations, congress. 77%. you may be about to become the english language's most offense of the "c" word. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) after ( bleep ). but, look, there's still two days left before the august recess. the "c" word could still pull this around. they could pass immigration reform. it's already been through the senate, so come o"c" word, let's do this. >> immigration reform

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> fish are biting in the water of sweden. >> it's known for crushing nuts and fish with its powerful jaws. but get this: the fish can also captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes, welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. please. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. thank you, with a greeting like that, i could do this all night or at least twice. of laugh nation, america is losing the battle against mary jane. this year new hampshire and illinois legalized medical marijuana bringing the to 20 the number of states where your pharmacist will soon look like this. (laughter) the dude prescribes. (laughter) and folks, the war on nugs u

[captioned by the caption ceer wgbh educational foundation] you know, from our 4,000 television commercials flo. hoo-hoo! watch it! [chuckles] anyhoo, 3 million people switched to me last year, saving an average of $475. [sigh] it feels good to help people save... with great discounts like safe driver, multicar, and multipolicy. so call me today. you'll be glad you did. cannonbox! [splash!] (cardboard tearing) (sniffs) smell that? that's the smell of new comic books. (inhaling deeply): oh, yes. they're on me today, boys. you're paying? have you been selling your sperm again? no, i'm celebrating. as we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the at the international space station where it will deploy the wolowitz zero-gravity waste disposal system. oh, get over yourself. it's a high-tech toilet. leonard: just think. thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will "boldly go where no man has gone before." is that supposed to be funny? i believe it is. the combination of the star trek reference and the play on words involving the double-meaning of the verb "to go" suggests th

that's it for the report, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhaccess.wgbh.org - so lance bass, i think, was originally the star, and then justin timberlake, like, knocked him off his throne. - yeah, and he went and started the backstreet boys. - no. - mm-hmm. - well, then who's in the backstreet boys? - josh. - joshua? yeah, josh was the star of the backstreet boys. - dude, and he's still doing it. - yeah, he's a talent. - he had a single-- - homegirl's passed out. - man, i would not be sleeping on the job if i was the self-proclaimed office prankster. - seriously. - especially a week after she put fluffernutter on my friggin' headset. - [chuckles] - and spermicide on my doughnut. - those were funny, dude. - it's payback time. - ♪ i'm gonna be the biggest monkey ♪ ♪ i'm gonna be the biggest monkey of 'em all ♪ ♪ all your biting and your barking will be in vain ♪ ♪ you see me standing right on top of the food chain ♪ - [laughs] - [slurps] - ♪ i'm gonna make the other monkeys fear me ♪ - [imitating homegirl] "four inches is fine!" - ♪ be the bigges

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioningonsored by comedy central (cheers and applause). >> john: welcome! welcome to "the daily show." my name is john oliver. i am still here for jon stewart who is currently preparing his costume for next year's carnivale. he looks spectacular. (laughter) our guest tonight director of the documentary "the act of killing" joshua oppenheimer will be with us. magnificent film. (applause) we start tonight right here in new york city. >> stop and frisk is a controversial tactic used by police in big cities like new york, los angeles, and philadelphia. in new york, it's been policy for 11 years, defined like this: a person is temporarily detained on the street against his or her will for the purposes of questioning. >> john: that's right, stop and frisk, not just the title of a '90s ripoff of "turner and hooch" about a cop whose partner is a cat. the movie has some problems once the bad guys realize they can completely distract the cat with a laser pointer. damn it, frisk, focus! >i've almost got

(unicorn neighs) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] >> john: welcome to the daily show. [ cheers and applause ] my name is john oliver. i am still sitting in for jon stewart who has been spending the entire summer at training camp with the new york giants. apparently he's extremely happy and in almost constant pain. our guest tonight tv legend and host of the new show crowd goes wild on fox 1 regis philbin is here. [ cheers and applause ] oh, yes, indeed. we start tonight with the news media. now, personally i get all my news from jon stewart and the daily show. which is why i have absolutely no idea what's been happening this summer. but apparently some people get their current affairs from newspapers. or as i like to call them paper television. i'm talking about things like the "new york times," the wall street journal, or whatever the [bleep] that free thing is that people shove in your face whenever yo

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgg bill: mm-hmm. they... hey...ea, we don't just we design good mornings. little experiments. big ideas. brighter ways. and better tomorrows you can take home today. imagine if everyday was just a little bit better for everyone. is this how you get to work everyday? because you can't qualify for an auto loan. well stop. because it's time for "crazy 88" where for 88 dollars down and 88 dollars per month everybody rides regardless of your past credit history. so come with me as we take you on a tour of a place where automotive dreams really do come true. welcome to the auto finance network - exclusive home of you guessed it! "crazy 88" during this unprecedented event - we're going to guarantee you three things 88 dollar down payments 88 dollar monthly payments and guaranteed credit. that's right because with the auto finance network "everybody rides" regardless of how severe your past credit circumstances may have been. when it comes to credit nobody can even come close to the team here at the auto finance network and

.  captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org a - the illusionist blows it out of the water. - you're kidding. ed norton sucks. - i'm not defending ed norton. - what about the title? he's not even a real magician. he's an illusionist? - you watch your mouth. - "adam 'dwayne the rock roommate demamp'"? all right. aah, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. - whoa, no, no, no. i am so sorry. i was not expecting anybody. - it's move-in day. - oh, wow, okay. pointing fingers already. not a good start to our relationship. hope you don't mind, i already kinda laid claim to this squadrent. - that's great, 'cause i got the microwave, and i'll just put it there, so-- - sick. i love popcorn, so-- [knock on door] - hey. greetings, earthlings. anders holmvik, resident advisor. - hi, i'm blake. - blake. - what's up? i'm adam. demamp. - uh, you play sports. - swim team. - so no? - [laughs] sorry, that was-- that was a funny one. - oh, yeah? that's funny? you know what's not funny? burning alive in the middle of the night because you don't know your microwave j

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org happy 18th birthday. thank you, mr. mulgan, everyone. you're very kind. i'm sorry, but i actually have to go now. sorry. she's in a hurry to meet her fiancé, mr. mulgan. tommy! dave, come and have a look at this! we found brenda's body in the canal basin this morning. what? her body? you mean brenda's dead? green. all over me. water, choking me. cold at first, and then boiling. roaring and seething. cooling and clearing. the killing, ian, the killing. yeah, not real enough. you're suffering from paranoid delusions. you see assassins everywhere. some real, some not. death is breathing down your neck. so when you see that curtain move... yeah? what's this? stay there, dave. i wouldn't want you to bust another gut. this wouldn't be brenda sorby's, would it? excuse me, i'm looking for the discourse analysis unit. dan cordeski? oh, him. just down the stairs. thanks. woman: help me! somebody help me! for god's sake, help me! operator: (on phone) emergency.which service? do you want the fire, police, or ambulance? (baby crying

i captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

(glass breaking, debris clattering) captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). >> john: welcome to the "daily show." i'm john oliver. i am still in for jon stewart who is scourge competing to be america's next top model. oh, no, they voted him out! they voted him-- don't listen to them, jon. you're beautiful on the inside! and there is no shame being more catalog than editorial. that's a fact. my guest tonight the writer, director, and staffer a very funny new movie "in a world" lake bell will be here. very good, very good. but we begin tonight with breaking news. >> the big chill between the u.s. and russia may be heading for the deep freeze. president obama has officially canceled his one-on-one meeting with vladimir putin. >> john: canceled? wow, that's a big diplomatic slap in the face, a dip move, if you will. ( laughter ) although if the president really wanted to hurt putin he would have said he was com

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hanger sent new york 1 the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhs.wgbh.org (yhi [ techno music plays ] ♪ dave ♪ dave ♪ dave chappelle's a funny ♪ funny guy [ tires screech ] what the [bleep] are you doing?! you gotta get outta my car. i'm serious! [ tires squeal ] that crazy dancin' makin' my penis soft. [ laughter ] [ hip-hop music plays ] now, that is what i call dancin'! you should've seen the girl that was sittin' there before you. whoo! oh, snap! there she go right there! ugh! [ laughing ] oh, i'm gettin' ready to crash, girl! hold on! whoo! ladies and gentlemen, dave chappelle! [ cheers and applause ] yes! thank you. thank you. thank you. oh, man, no. welcome to this thing that we call "chappelle's show." this is the very first episode. i finally got my own show. and, i mean, i'm serious when i say this is my show. this is my show -- i can show y'all whatever i want. as a matter of fact, i'll show you a little bleeper -- blooper.

even worse getting your captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhbh.org ♪ two... two, three... ♪ ♪ newscaster: we now go live to our eye-in-the-sky hovercopter on the scene of that terrible hovercopter crash. jim? the news is not good. i've just learned that my final words were "back to you, linda." (laughs) one for the blooper reel. oh, the news is so violent. let's watch rachael ray instead. oh, no, wait, there might be chopping. god, what a wuss. stop being such a spineless jellyfish. you know full well i am more closely related to the sea cucumber. not where it counts. (whimpers) i hated jim! in other news, our city's filthy, urine-soaked walls have been desecrated by a mysterious tile-work graffiti artist. police have no leads as to who's behind this innovative scourge of public art. (chuckling) that is one sexy bridge abutment. hyperchicken: free corn? well, that'll suit me just fine. (hyperchicken screams, car crashes) the key is knowing precisely where to strike. oops. well, well. time to beat him his rights. (yelling) (crickets chirping) (c