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and so you--you get what you want. >> and you get what you want. >> well, i "politefully" disagree, sother thing we want to let you know is that we're not gonna stay in this location. we have a financial obligation to you as the landlord, i think, for another 15 months. we signed an agreement. we're gonna be honorable, but we needed you to know that as well. coming up... turn around. >> both: oh, my god! you fifteen percent or more on huh, fiftcar insurance.uld save yeah, everybody knows that. well, did you know that playing cards with kenny rogers gets old pretty fast? ♪ you got to know when to hold'em. ♪ ♪ know when to fold 'em. ♪ know when to walk away. ♪ know when to run. ♪ you never count your money, ♪ when you're sitting at the ta...♪ what? you get it? i get the gist, yeah. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. hi. hi. hi. hello. hi. hi. hi. hi my name's josh. kelly. my name is raph. steve. my name is anne. tom. brian. krystal. and i am definitely not a robot. i'm one of the real live attorneys you can talk to through legalzoom. whether i

you won, that's it. get away. then you went more. you went more. and you looked gorgeous and like -- and i go, oh, wait, stop, stop. you won. you won. you're beyond winning. you're beyond talented. we get it. you're talented. then you did it again. and i go, oh, my gosh. you just blew up my tv set. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and i thank you so much. that was a great performance. [ cheers and applause ] very good. i was -- i just loved when the track came out this summer, i go, i know this is going to be the biggest hit ever. and i know we're bffs. >> yeah, we are. for anybody that doesn't know. >> jimmy: yeah, we are. thank you. yeah. >> we're bffs. >> jimmy: and everybody has-- they're in your gang, you have like a gang. >> yes. >> jimmy: you have a gang of like really cute girls backstage. all your friends. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. and other bffs. they all wear jackets that say -- >> confident on the back. so basically, i thought it was only appropriate if i specialized yours. >> jimmy: i appreciate it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i love it. i'm going

you can be more productive if you work harder or you can be more productive if you are more creative.o that is that. over a short amount of time, you can spend the amount of money which is different from what you earn. that's because we have debt. tom: that is called children. continue. ray: ok, thank you. so we have debt cycles and there are two major debt cycles. there is a short-term debt cycle we are used to. the business cycle. recession, that eases. what they do is they increase the spread between the short-term interest rate, essentially, and the return of other assets. as a result, money goes into a system, money and credit goes into a system. and what it does is it ends up with prices. when we are bidding the first asset prices, then we make items that are cheaper because interest rates go down. so we have that business cycle that we are used to. when that cycle gets past a certain midpoint, usually in the cycle, there is a monetary policy as you get to the later part of the cycle. and you start to have inflation, it becomes too tight, and you have the cycle goes down and tha

thank you. thank you for your time.dies, i think you're two beautiful women, but when you put the cap on... (barbara laughs) you look like 80-year-old grandmas. no! so i'm not sure i want to buy something for my wife, or my wife wants to buy something... that's gonna make her look like an 80-year-old grandma. only when she's cooking. ozma, i-i'm out. okay. i love 80-year-old grandmas, but i don't see the real need for this. i'm out. i think it's ironic... (laughter) that the only person who is still in has no hair. all right, let's talk numbers. yes. yeah, you know, listen, ladies... (laughter) the whole kookin' karp thing is crazy. i-i think you're cute, but this is not a business, it's a hobby. come on. just ask for her to give your money back. ladies, you're losing him. no, no, no! wait, wait, wait. we can-- sweeten the offer! sweeten the offer! we can sell anything. (lori) no, don't. we can sell peanut butter and jelly in a steakhouse. we can sell kookin' kaps to the masses. come on! oh, my goodness. mr. wonderful.

you were famous when you were a teenager, you became a star. time you got real money? your first big paycheck? >> real money's relative. the first thing i got was a pair of sneakers and a vcr. >> jimmy: i see. >> gold chains. felt phenomenal. >> jimmy: sure, yeah. >> felt amazing. okay? after that, you know, i had 1,000 cars. outside my house, 10, 15 cars. >> jimmy: 10, 15 cars? >> in my grandmother's house. i'm still in my room. i bought my mother a house. i had a whole bunch of cars and i'm down in the room. the neighbor's like, he's selling drugs! you know, i'd be driving around in queens in my new car. cops would see me and say, how's the crack business? >> jimmy: i learned something about you today, you coined the term "audi 2000." >> my first car. >> jimmy: because you had that car? >> yeah, audi 2000. i'm audi, out of here. >> jimmy: isn't that exciting when you come up with a phrase -- >> if i was smart enough to trademark it it might be exciting. >> i don't know if you can trademark another company's product. >> you might not be able t

so glad to see you. you look great. >> thank you. >> seth: and you look really healthy. and they concur. [ cheers and applause ] let me tell you something. you be quiet. andy samberg's backstage right now crying his eyes out that he didn't get this reaction! he's a poor little boy. >> that is a tough act to follow. andy samberg. oh, man. >> seth: it is a tough act to follow. >> he was so cool in the green room. and by the way, whatever he's drinking, that water, he looks good. >> seth: yeah, right? he looks really good. >> he looks really good. he's 10 years older than me? i can't believe it. >> seth: i know, i know. it's like -- i think he's actually 48. [ laughter ] >> wow. >> seth: yeah, he looks really good. >> yeah, he told me both his parents are 5'5." his sisters are 5'3." and somehow he got to 5'10." so -- >> seth: yeah he's livin' -- but he rubs it in their faces. >> i bet he does. >> seth: i've been around them. yeah. >> yes, he does. >> seth: so you -- you know, very unfortunately, you got injured in the playoffs last year. how is the rehabilitation? are you g

if it tilts, you launch. >> do you really think i'm going to leave you behind?riday. please welcome michael pena! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> how you doing, brother? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. i really enjoyed the movie. you got stuck on the ship while everybody was out running around on mars. is that a bummer as an actor? >> they're just trying to save matt damon. you know how it is. >> jimmy: yeah. >> seems like a lot of movies people want to save matt day money. is this like "saving private ryan" in space? >> jimmy: not in my house they don't. i tell you that. the nice thing was once you left him on mars you didn't have to with him face-to-face anymore. >> not so much. the other crew members are like, i think we should save him. i'm like, uhhh, you sure? >> jimmy: as an actor when you find out you get to play an astronaut, is that as exciting as it gets? >> no, immediately i looked up how many mexican astronauts are abandoned. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how many? are you the first one? >> maybe just like, you know, m

you know you don't have insurance you got to do stuff differently. you know? it changed my lifestyle. i got to always remain safe. like i pee sitting down more. i ain't scared to admit it. i pee sitting down more. it's better for my knee, eases tension in my lower back. i be sitting down like, wow, this is why women live longer than men, right here. they pee sitting down. it's better for time management. both of my hands are free. i can pee and tweet at the same time. this is brilliant. are looking at me with their rms crossed, i don't pee sitting down. i'm a man. even when i drop a deuce i pee first and then i turn around. life too short. i ain't got that kind of time. i'm not talking about in a feminine way, you know. when i fully tuck my private parts in and sit og the stool with my knees touching and i'm holding my head up from the bottom just having a real emotional sit-down pee. when i finish i roll up toilet paper and pat myself dry. no, i'm not talking about that. i'm talking about a masculine sit-down pee. my body parts, hanging down towards the water

and so i just--i just-- what do you mean you w-- you--you had a company you owned before?ed with before. you worked with somebody who made this type of item? this--this is my--this is my design all--all along. so you stole this-- but they were making and selling it? i'm lost here. yes. you came up with the idea here? there was a similar company that i had with my best friend. so you knocked off your former company for your design? no. no. (robert) you gotta--you-- we're all... we're totally lost. i know. i know. reboot. how much did you sell of the similar product together in that company? $150,000 in 18 months. like, we were selling everywhere. and why did it stop? so as we're all asking you, "what have your sale been?" technically, you could've said, "$150,000 in the last 2 years." okay. yeah, what happened to that company? why'd you stop? why did you stop? well.. she had a family emergency and she moved home. her--her father passed away. so-- but why didn't you continue the business? because you must've built some brand equity. right. couldn't you continue under that na

what are you doing here? what are you doing here? >> what do you mean? >> jimmy: i mean, what are you doing? what is this outfit? why are you dressed like this? where's dr. phil? it's supposed to be dr. phil. >> but you said that -- that i could be on the show today when we were in therapy. >> jimmy: listen, i know "the martian" is coming out friday and i did say i would help you promote it but i did not say -- >> no, you said i would be on the show. >> jimmy: i said i would try to get you on the show tonight. and we have a very, very busy night. i have the whole therapy session on tape. i have it. i can show it. i know what i said. >> that's private. >> jimmy: let's let the audience decide if it's private or not. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do you think it's private? i guess they don't think it's private. so i do want to show this. because i just want to give you an idea what kind of guy this is. the doctor here and i decided to work our issues out with a therapist. yes? >> i -- >> jimmy: yeah, we did. >> i thought it was supposed to be private. >

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, you are aware of where your zone is. >> and you know why you need to move. >> and you know why. >> and, of course, with sandy, there were some places that weren't necessarily in zone 1, but they certainly looked like zone 1... >> exactly. >> ...you know, after that storm, so that is information you really need to have at hand. now, once you know your zone, what's the next thing you do on the way to being prepared? >> well, we want people also to make a plan, and it's very easy to know your zone, and you can call 311, give them your address, and they'll tell you whether or not you live in a zone, or you can go to our website, www.nyc.gov/knowyourzone, and that'll let you know where your zone, but we also want people to make a plan, and this is extremely important. now that you know your zone, you also want to know where your hurricane-evacuation centers are, and the city has 64 hurricane-evacuation centers throughout the five boroughs, and we want you to become familiar with those. and a part of making a plan means that we want you to know where the evacuation centers are, but we wa

you had -- you did not have security issues at your wedding because you had - - you invited some guestsecurity with them. >> yeah, my wife mary has known the clintons since, you know. >> seth: she's from arkansas. >> yeah. they both grew up in arkansas and she won an oscar about the time that he was first term governor. so, he's really is like her, you know, older brother and he gave her away at our wedding. so, we literally, we had a set of paparazzi anywhere near us. we had stinger missiles at our disposal. [ laughter ] some kids who were, you know, adults didn't see this, some kids saw -- you know, you see the secret service in the thing, in a suit. >> seth: yeah. >> you see 'em. the guys you don't see are in these little black masks in the woods. you never see them. [ light laughter ] >> seth: wow. >> one paparazzi made it through the bushes and stood up like this with a camera, a couple of uzis were pointing at his head. so it was very effective. very effective. [ laughter ] >> seth: i would like that for the guy who gives the rambly best man speech. just always an uzi there and th

to meet you. >> see you later? >> love to. >> me, too. [ laughter ] >> you're not as old as i thought you were. >> seth: please welcome the [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: great to see you again. >> great to see you. [ cheers ] >> seth: so wonderful to have you here. >> thank you. >> seth: now, we first met at "snl", and i have some of the same crew as "snl", including our cue card guy. wally is his name. you remember wally? >> yes. >> seth: and wally was bragging to the cue -- to everybody, the whole crew today that he knows you well enough that he was allowed to call you bob or bobby? is that -- >> bob. bobby -- >> seth: you don't like bobby? [ laughter ] is anybody allowed to call you bobby? >> my mother. >> seth: okay, your mother. [ laughter ] so here's my question is, are you and i at a place now where i can throw a bob out there? >> sure. >> seth: okay, good. i might not today but -- >> whatever. >> seth: okay, good. at one point, i'll get comfortable enough. this film, "the intern," you play a widower who

nice to meet you. >> are you accounting?> i'm the operations manager here, so i do all the accounting, all the finance. >> do you have a financial statement for last month? >> um, the books are in your office. >> sure. i'll get it. >> i could print you one, i think. >> you do the books but you're not allowed to keep 'em. >> everything stays in pete's office. >> but not because she can't get it, it just stays in my office. >> i don't think i've ever seen a business where the accountant doesn't have control of the books. pete needs to give erika the tools to do her job and not hide them in his office. right now you're losing $150,000 a month, you're selling ten cars. you're 50 cars short from breaking even. in order to make up for the $150,000 in monthly losses, athans would have to sell 60 cars at $2,500 profit per car. in order to sell 60 cars, you need at least 120 on the ground. today you have 20. you're 100 cars short. since the average used car sold in this area is around $15,000, buying the necessary inventory is gonna

thank you so much! please, thank you so much. thank you, everybody. so kind! welcome to "the late show." if the legends are true, i'm stephen colbert. and right off the bat, i'd like to apologize because the show's been on for almost 30 seconds and i have yet to say the words "donald trump." ( laughter ) that's on me. and what's gotten me worried is that soon i might not have a reason to because he's slumping in the polls. that was a roller coaster ride of emotion by the way. oooh-aaay"p." listen, i want to be clear abouting this. yes, he has been divisive. yes, he has been offensive. yes, he would be a terrible president. ( cheers and applause ) but i do want to say this-- don't leave me, donald. don't you understand, if you go away, i'm going to have to talk about those other boring people. i'm going to have to learn their names. i think one of them is marco rubio. am i saying that right? is it marco rubio. or is it mark o'rubio? ( cheers and applause ) and for the record, i was just crossing two cultures. we have a great show for you tonight, faith and bego

but i have to tell you something. no, you on't. nothing compels you. that white dress you had on the utother day, awful. i just looked at her and i said, i'm sorry, but i don't remember asking you, and i did not do it in a mean way at all, but i don't remember asking you, and then i said, you have to understand something, you may see me on television, and i'm a human being and i have feelings and you are allowed the opinion, but why would youusay something that is unkind. she did it all in front of her friends. and so there s is a way to let people know that they have no right to be asking certain q'luestions. >> one lady walked up to me in the mall, and she said, ooh, i thought that you were so much bigger, turn around. and you know what i did? the sad part? i turned around. >> you turned around. >> and i said, why am i spinning for this crazy person. and she said, yeah, you are not as big as i thought, bye. bye. i am still thinking of it. >> and i was in alabama jacks and the 80 year-old ladies werei clogging and she came right over and said, you r a

you look fantaseic. good to see you. >> what's going on? you good? >> jimmy: everything's great, d look good. everything's great. [ laughter ] look good. it's good. the family's going good. erything's goo family's good? >> good, good, good. growing. growing by leaps and bounds. >> jimmy: thank you for coming to the show. >> very nice. jimmy: appreciate it. [ laughter ] >> good to be here. >> jimmy: lot to talk about. a lot to talk about. [ laughter ] they love you. we love you. [ cheers ] >>e steve: hi like that guy. >> jimmy: yeah. i never know -- i don't want to embarrass you or anything. i just -- what's going on with the hair? >> it suddenly, has just seemed to just grow exponentially. and i was a blond, i was a a blond en i was a kid. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so this is your hair? thisuis your normal hair? >> my hair. my hair. it's normal. is no toal. >> jimmy: i don't think i have ever seen this. i mean, do you shave it for your roles? or is this -- >> a lot of times, i'll start off with hair and then i'll just shave it. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, oka

you want me to help you there? i love hot fudge. >> just the right amount of hot fudge. >> jimmy: just one scoop is good enough. >> that's good. i'm just gonna do it this way. jimmy: oh, you do it with your hands again. >> sometimes the skin comes off. i think we're good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i thought i heard you say -- >> you look like a nice guy. i'm just going to give you the whole thing. >> jimmy: no, oh, be careful. be careful. i'll take the whole thing. i mean sure, why not. this is my cheat day. [ laughter and applause ] >> here comes the fun part is mixing it all together. >> jimmy: okay. there you go. >> mix it real good. >> jimmy: oh, that one's gonna be all good, all this stuff. >> got to get in there and get all up in the grill. >> jimmy: why did it take me -- oh, watch out. be careful. [ laughter ] >> let you know a little secret. all in the wrist. >> jimmy: be careful. >> all in the wrist. >> jimmy: that certainly is. all in the wrist. that's very, that's pressive. >> and voila. >> jimmy: oh, hey.

that, you know, inspires you. inspires you to do the right thing for yourself and, you know, for the community to be a visible person for the community. so, which i feel grateful to be. >> seth: it's wonderful that you did that. it's wonderful you made this film. and i would imagine it's wonderful to get to hang out with julianne moore. who is seems to be the coolest person on earth. >> julianne moore might just be the coolest person on earth. >> seth: if there was a fantasy draft for person in show business you wish would be your best friend -- >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: i think everybody would take julianne moore, like pretty high. >> and you know what? you know what, they should. >> seth: yeah, okay, good. you're verifying that would be a good pick. >> she is one of the most special, generous, deeply kind people you could meet. i feel really, really grateful to know her and to have worked with her. >> seth: stacy was a mechanic. so you did mechanic research. >> i did. >> seth: and i very much enjoyed that i

what do you do you think you would have done? >> hypothetically?so i'm mariah carey, i'm talking to somebody, and you come over. >> um, excuse me. >> seth: oh, hi. [ laughter ] >> okay, this is going to sound so weird. but my cousin and i used to have a mechanical reindeer. >> seth: uh-huh. >> and we named it "charm bracelet" after your album. it is so nice to meet you. [ laughter ] and that is a true story. you're welcome. >> seth: what does a mechanical reindeer have to do with it? >> nothing. [ laughter ] >> seth: i get the charm -- >> mariah's album had just come out, and this is the truth. mariah's album had just come out, "charm bracelet." >> seth: uh huh. >> and we -- it was being sold at target, and we were in target and we bought a mechanical reindeer. we're like, "it's called charm bracelet!" it's not a very good story. >> seth: gotcha, no, no, no. again, i mean, not to me, but mariah carey would love it. >> she would be very taken by it. >> seth: -- were you intimidated to work with robert de niro? is that some -- yeah. >> yes. oh, yeah.

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you do a late-night show, what are you doing? >> was this one of the things you said to les moonves, i'd love to do the the show and i have a week's cruise booked and i need to be away then. >> stephen: you should get a better agent. >> we have the same agent. >> stephen: you and i i have the same agent. >> his name is james dixon. he call him baby doll dixon. people have shoarnted it to baby now. people think we're talking about our daughters but we're talking about our agent s. >> stephen: here's something people don't know. you're an artist. >> i do a little bit of art work. >> stephen: you gave this to me christmas a couple of years ago. this is a portrait you did of our agent. this is james baby doll dixon. and i can't imagine eye don't think you would have to tell anybody his name. people would go, "is that guy's name baby doll." >> this is a screen print. i drew the smoke. each has its own smoke curl. >> yes. >> stephen: how much do you think i could get from this? e-bay? >> no. i think you could get $100 you. >> stephen:

said you liked it. >> you see how you can't see your face. what am i looking at? >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> and that is good reason, and cloris leachman said, that you two should change places, but we couldn't, because we have always been this way and it would be wrong. >> yes, it wouldn't be right. >> and then lynn geier said that hoda lost a good ten or 15 years by switching those;v bangs. >> crazy. >> but christine demass was concerned about you, hoda, because she said that you might have neck problems as a result as you figure out how to hold your head now. because you will be stiff and trying to compensate from the change. you will suffer. she was fine with the old way. >> everybody should take a switch your bangs however you do it. and show us pictures and how it feels like, and we want to see how it works out on facebook. >> well, you can't hide a million dollar smile due to the part in your hair. >> thank you. >> you're welcome. >> and kathie lee, you have to hep me with a wardrobe malfunction. >> okay. stand up. hoda and i come in toget

do you like motivational speakers. >> you would think you want music to pump you up.doing it. >> when he i work out. >> really wise. >> you are looking great. >> when you work out -- >> would i have to work out before i chose the music? >> i really need -- >> that means you listen to nothing because you don't work out. >> i have a guy who was going to make me a suit. i promised myself i would be thinner before he did the measurements on me. >> what happened? >> blew it. >> were you working out with a trainer. what happened? >> she left town. she was the only trainer. >> i can't help you. i can't help you. >> the only reason i was doing it because she was so cute. >> we know that. >> and isn't that pathetic? okay, did you see this, elle magazine is celebrating women in hollywood, with eight special edition covers, but two of them look different than the other six. karen, explain. >> okay, i think from the category if you have got it you can flaunt t2 of them happen to have a fabulous chest, and they're very curvey, some featured with low cut revealing tops. where as th

here, you can do it. you can do it. you used to call me on the telephone you want to be alone with me you call me on the telephone for you to get the big bone on >> sorry about that. >> jimmy: mike tyson, everybody. season two of "mike tyson mysteries" premieres sunday at 12:15 a.m. on adult swim. blake shelton performs for us next. stick around, everybody. (cole) alright, now that we have merged with cableworld, we are so excited to hear your big ideas on how we're going to take on directv. so over to you. (newhart) thank you. full disclosure. we forgot to come up with ideas. (cw exec) yeah, we got messed up last night. you're lucky we're even here. (newhart) but, we did bring breakfast. (jmh) bagels? (newhart) nope. (woman) oh my goodness. (newhart) peel and eat shrimp. (cole) not how i would have gone but it's good, it's innovative. and that's what we want here. (vo) get rid of cable and switch to directv. call 1-800-directv. here's a little healthy advice. take care of what makes you, you. right down to your skin. a

and it just goes to show you. if you can dream it, you can do it. in other major world news, probably the most important story going on in the world are the nude photos of justin bieber. have you searched for them? like you'd admit fit you did, right? members of the paparazzi were good enough to get photos of justin walking around naked on vacation in bora bora, which sadly has overshadowed the nude that justin has a new tattoo he unveiled on instagram yesterday. which here it is. it says "purpose." he got it because he loves dolphins. he's not a great speller. he had the word "purpose" tat attitude over his belly button, which of all the parts of the human body has the least purpose of all. purpose apparently is reportedly the title of his next album. he has "believe" on his forearm, an earlier album. good news, looks like he's only got enough skin space fare or three or four more albums. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: let's go to the wall friends at cisco. this screen is -- we've invited our home viewers to be part of the show tonight and to be

you have been a jerk since the day i met you. >> do you need a moment? >> seth, what if jimmy fallon ran for office. you could do warm up at the office. >> i would be the first gesture. somebody like jimmy could run and would probably win. they are at a stage that they are not far away. >> you have a guy who at least has a business background. >> talking about trump? >> trump. compared to fallen. guatemala is a small country. it shows you the desperation level people who reached there. and the analogies are interesting and probably end less. donald trump for all of his faults is a guy who builds a successful ebbet prize. enterprise. you can't take that away. jimmy fallon is successful in his own right. but he didn't create billions of dollars. he is not there yet. >> there could be an outsider who is very funny who captures everyone's attention. >> i don't think that's what it is. i don't think fallen was born into billions. >> what is going on? >> he would make sure everyone got bandaids. they would be universal. >> the skills that make an entertainer -

did you guys expect this to happen? did you feel like you had a shot at it? >> you gotta believe. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the truth is, we never really do. do we? i mean, you gotta but you don't sometimes. >> no, funny thing, spring training we had a meeting about what it would be like when we got to the playoffs. >> jimmy: you did? >> we did. >> jimmy: was that terry collins' idea? >> collectively. >> jimmy: a group idea to have a meeting about that. how stupid would you foal if you'd had that meeting and you weren't in the playoffs? watching the team do well, does are you happy? is it a combination of those things? >> both. i think that it's a -- a motivating, driving force. when you're hurt you want to get back as quickly as possible. especially when you see that's are. >> jimmy: one of the most amazing things to happen this traded. it was july. game. you thought you'd been traded to milwaukee. and you were upset, which was really i think for a lot of people a reminder that you guys are human beings and that you have feelings and that you have fr

you know me. >> jimmy: you have to eat. you really do.me. >> i did. >> jimmy: well, tell us what kind of book this is. >> it's a journal. i wrote my first book last year "brunette ambition." i wrote this book and wanted to have more of an interactive experience with my fans. >> jimmy: this is genius, this book you've written. >> you like it? >> jimmy: yeah. i'm going to tell you why. look at this book. >> that's not nice. thank you. >> jimmy: what you've done is -- >> that's the one page you picked? let me find another one. there you go. >> jimmy: but the diabolical part is here's a book, write it yourself. >> i think that for me i used to write these lists and they were goals and dreams of mine. and i made them all really happen. and i believe in the power of writing things down. >> jimmy: do you think that it's important for people to write stuff down like that and make these goals? >> i do. it worked for me. i really believe in it. what's -- what are your one-year goals? >> jimmy: i don't know what my one-year goals are but when i was

i thought i was america's sweet -- thank you. thank you, thank you. we're excited because it's her first time on the show, from the new movie "our brand is crisis" sandra bullock is here. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sandy b. >> steve: sandy b. >> jimmy: sandy b. >> steve: i love watching her movies on dvd. >> jimmy: i've got all her movies on dvd. we got something really fun planned with sandra later on in the show. you don't want to miss that. plus, he's one of the biggest rock stars in the entire world. i'm talking about my man rod stewart is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] we're talking to him. he's going to perform a song off his new album. it's going to be fantastic. guys, we're in week eight of the nfl season, and sunday night's big matchup is between the denver broncos and the green bay packers. [ cheers and applause ] as you know, at the end of every season, they give out awards like most valuable player. but they also give out awards during the season. sort of like the ones in a high school yearbook. most likely to

how you doing? it's great to see you. what are you, exactly? i see you're a hot dog, you also are a dog? >> i'm a dog in a hot dog suit. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how could i be so stupid? >> what are you? >> jimmy: i'm your lover. you don't remember me? from the '70s? we had quite a thing. i'm wearing mascara right now. is that the way you want to do it? >> jimmy: you remember yoda? >> guillermo: i'm yoda. >> yoda you are. >> jimmy: yoda he is, yes. >> guillermo: you look good. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'll be quiet. everything okay? you all right? it's good to see you. i'm so glad to see you, i'm trying to segue from the dog in the costume. but i'm glad to see you alive, i really am. [ cheers and applause ] i know that sounds weird. you were in the plane crash. you know that, right? >> yeah. yeah, i remember. >> jimmy: do you remember? >> not all of it. >> jimmy: not all of it. >> i remember some of it. i remember the engine stopping. and then i -- i remember telling the tower what i was going to do. then i remember their sugge

thank you for being here. thank you, thank you, thank you. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. you're here. you made it. this is it. this is the show. [ cheers and applause ] i'm happy you're here. welcome to "the tonight show." here's what everyone's talking about. this is cool. both the world series and the new nba season started tonight. [ cheers ] or as st people put it, damn, there's no football on? light laughter ] new york -- new york has a team the world series. [ cheers and applause ] and donald trump is no longer ahead in the polls. [ cheers ] so i think we're back to normal, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] this is the way -- let's get to some political news, here. i saw that at a town hall in new hampshire yesterday, donald trump was talking tk voters about how his life hasn't always been as easy as you think. in fact, he gave one example that really makes you feel for him. check this out. >> it has not been easy for me. and you know, i started off in brooklyn. my father gave me a small loan of a million d

you know?ve been like that." ( laughter ). >> stephen: you also-- we have jake gyllenhaal coming on next week-- >> i heard, jake-jake! i don't know. i've met him once. i have no right. i have no right, no right. >> stephen: we will now call him that. >> jake-jake! >> stephen: you lived in his house, i understand. >> shut up! >> stephen: did he not know? >> no permission. yeah, i had never met him but he was renting out his two-bedroom apartment, and my sister and i needed to get a place together...- >> so you go, "jake gyllenhaal's place." that's how you live now? >> that's how i do. that's how i do. it wasn't that expensive. you know i'm not rich yet. >> stephen: come on! >> i have a walk-up. look at this butt. look at this. that's a walk-up. walk up. it's, like, a very disappointing ass, and i regret doing that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: no, no, no, i was not-- >> i have no ass pride. >> stephen: it exceeded my expectations in every way. >> i went through all of jake's stuff. of course, i did

thank you, thank you, everybody. god bless you all. >> oh, boy.e these out of your hands. and put them right here. >> i thought that for sure that girl from rhode island was going to win. checkky green taught me that, and if you cannot think of anything, just say, thank you, thank you very much, i thought for sure that -- from south carolina was going the win. >> and cody and cass were incredible. >> they did not trust themselves to speak extemporaneously. >> they were terrific, and it was just what a night. >> to love each other. >> and you know that you are going to love each other, but to see them love and care for one another as adults and so involved in each other's lives, and think that we have a picture, too of somebody. when you wing it. is that chrissy? when you wing it, one thing you are in fear of is that you will forget somebody. and i could not sleep last night because i forgot to say something that my daddy said to me which is to surround yourself with people who are smarter and more talented than you, and they will make you look goo

nicolas: you want me to show you a million things that you approved that you claim you didn't?oemi: this design -- i didn't approve it. lemonis: why are you frustrated? nicolas: because she's just not comprehending what we're doing right now. noemi: no, we don't have to agree. one second. nicolas: it's not agreeing or disagreeing. lemonis: let's leave it to the side for just a moment. noemi has talent, and she's made some beautiful pieces. but there's been more mistakes than there have been winners. but nicolas is ultimately in charge of the business, so i'm not interested in them playing the blame game anymore. what i'm interested in is getting these five pillars established and getting these products selected. and if they're gonna waste time swirling around with a bunch of nonsense, i'm gonna pick the products. this will end up becoming our signature product. stephanie: messenger. lemonis: what i want to task you with is going back to the drawing board on this product. nicolas: yep. lemonis: and i want to see five to six variations of things with this. i want to see a diaper

not so simple but i do you know i love you it's not so simple but i do you know i love you is not so simple but i do >> yes! yes! okay. hi, jill. >> hello, baby. >> great to see you. >> this is a whole other side to her. nobody knows. >> hello, great to see you. >> good to see you too. >> once you hear the words, all of them on there, it reminds everyone of their relationship. "our love ain't so simple, but i do." >> you write what you know, don't you? >> that's literally what i write all the time. it helps me get through so many life situation zwlgs s. >> where can everybody hear that and get that and make you rich? >> itunes, amazon, jillhennessey jillhennessey.com. >> are you performing anywhere soon? >> we're doing the light of day festival in as bury park. >> i love that you're so multitalented. >> thank you. >> i'm so glad that resonated with you. >> beautiful song. >> great to see you. >> coming up, oscar-winner sandra bullock. >> after this. there's only one egg that just tastes better. fresher. more flavorful. delicious. only one egg with better nutrition... like more vitami

you can pretend you don't want to have sex but she knows that you want to. we know that you care. it matters, at the end of the day we know are you black and are affected by these things. don't dance around the issue and cater to everyone but your people in order to protect your job. >> larry: my last thing i thinks out in the if you qualify for a sittingham's card today i can offer you no interest for 24 months. thanks to the tools and help at experian.com, i know i have an 812 fico score, so i definitely qualify. so what else can you give me? same day delivery. the ottoman? thank you. fico scores are used in 90% of credit decisions. so get your credit swagger on. go to experian.com, become a member of experian credit tracker, and take charge of your score. [ scanner beeping ] sir, could you step aside? "sir"? come on. you know who i am. progressive insurance? uh, i save people an average of over $500 when they switch? did you pack your own bags? oh! right -- the name your price tool. it shows people policy options to help fit their budget. [ scanner warbling ] crazy that a big s

you could tell the truth, like you did with your family, like you did with libyan president, like you did with the egyptian prime minister. tell them it was terrorist attack. could you say, you know what? we're not quite sure. don't really know for sure. i don't think the evidence is there. i think all -- you could have done that. but you picked a third option. you picked the video narrative. you picked one with no evidence, and you did it because libya was supposed to be, as mr. roskam pointed out, this great success story for the obama white house and clinton state department. and a key campaign theme that year was, bin laden is dead, al qaeda is on the run, and you have terrorist attack. it is terrorist attack in libya. it is 56 days before an election. you could live with protest about a video. that won't hurt you. but a terrorist attack will. so you can't be square with the american people. tell your family it's a terrorist at that time being. but not the american people, and tell the president of the libya it is a terrorist attack but not the american people and you can tell the

>> you know you won't get tips. it is bart of the job. >> part of the job doesn't mean it is right. >> i think that's just being nice. >> but more than just is her have i put together a meal. >> talking maybe the bus boys but don't you know going in, taking a job. >> here is the thing, even if they say no tipping, what if they do real great job. am i supposed to walk away, not tip? tip on top, that you already get a tip from your boss? i think people will still leave money on the table. >> what? >> oh, no, queen of heart. >> oh, my goodness. >> hi, good morning. >> look in that camera over there. look at you. >> oh, hello. >> welcome, queen, do we address you as queen? >> queen please. >> all right. >> are you from -- where are you from? >> from the rosen back museum. and we are celebrating one ooh years of alice in wonderland. >> i remember i bought the first copy. >> so then you've been cleared often. a lot of people are tweet being this. true or false questions about things you didn't know about alienees wonderla

you can pretend you don't want to have sex but she knows that you want to. we know that you care. know it matters, at the end of the day we know are you black and are affected by these things. don't dance around the issue and cater to everyone but your people in order to protect your job. >> larry: my last thing i thinks job. >> larry: my last thing i thinks out in the thank you so much. did you say honey? hey, try some? you know i'm always looking for real honey for honey nut cheerios. well you've come to the right place. mind if i have another taste? not at all mmm part of a complete breakfast my doctor says i havey, what's skittles pox. are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow! dads don't take sick days, dads take nyquil severe dave, i'm sorry to interrupt. i gotta take a sick day tomorrow. the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, fever, best sleep with a cold, medicine. kids, juicy fyeah.gum with starburst flavors? (mmm...) (mmm...) (zipper noise) (zipper noise) (baby rattle shaking) juicy fruit so sweet you can't help but che

(laughter) >> you have to put those things behind you. you really have to.it and think, oh, i should have done this or that, it's just a needless exercise that -- >> stephen: it's a needless exercise. how often do you do it? >> four or five times a night. >> stephen: can you explain something to me? you're one of the leaders of the republican party. what is happening? (laughter) (applause) in the republican party! why can't you get your act together? >> civics 101, right, guys? (applause) >> stephen: we're all republicans. >> yeah, i think so. trump supporters. >> stephen: the last man. (laughter) you look at what's happening in congress now. >> this is one of the most unusual times, frankly, in political history that any of us have seen. there is a great deal of anger out there, a great deal of unhappiness. one of the weakest recoveries in history, millions of people have stopped looking for jobs, and there is a great antagonism towards washington. look, i landed at la guardia airport today. a guy ran up and said, hey, did anybody tell you you look a lot li

would you leave me? a oo you can lie to my face.ink is more powerful cat lady or catwoman. >> cat lady. legings are better. >> i repel men. >> with what? >> my personality. >> can you give me tips on being evil? >> yes. yes. >> have a little fun with it. maybe a little skirt of acid. you know. >> this is comic con so why did you not dress up? >> i felt like i wasn't good enough to catch up. >> i am cat lady. i have low self-esteem. >> do you want to be my boyfriend? >> are you kidding me? >> there's a confrontation between batman and super man. >> i always felt that batman was over rated. >> i want to speak the truth. >> he has the powers of a normal person. >> what are some of your powers? >> super strength. i can fly and being a bad ass. >> i can cry all day ever are i day and never run out of tears. >> you are a costume designer. that definitely helps. i just drink that's really my only hobby. that's also my super power. i can drink about anything. >> thank you. >> i am here with a live raptor. how are you doing? >> my name is br