it's "kiss my ass." >> jimmy: not "kick the ass." july 4th. you beat me twice so far.t. we're the real deal. boston style means with beers as bumpers. >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah, i didn't know that until now. this is good. now, the first one to three wins. >> the last time we did this a beer can exploded and it went all over questlove. >> jimmy: did it really? >> yep. >> jimmy: oh, i'm sorry about that. quest doesn't drink either. yeah. now he does. all right, perfect. [ laughter ] all right, you want to make a wager? >> yes, i think -- should we do our normal thing? >> jimmy: normal thing. >> all right. cam neely foundation. >> jimmy: cam neely foundation is amazing. >> which helped your dad. >> jimmy: it really did. saved my dad's life. >> yes. and they're a fantastic organization run by cam neely, the hockey hall of famer, who's a friend of mine. they do great work. >> jimmy: yeah, give it up. [ cheers and applause ] shout out to patricia! >> and jimmy has -- jimmy is such a nice guy that he came up and performed at our annual event up there in boston two years ago, and

talking out of my ass. >> the picture of glenn beck ass flapping. >> i did not need that mental image horrifying. that video. >> there is a video? >> yeah, well. >> stephanie: right, he didn't he do a-- >> i don't think there is a close up of glenn beck's ass. >> stephanie: did he a video. >> when he was talking about medicine school. he was talking out of his mouth at that point. [ laughing ] >> stephanie: okay. >> see what he did there? don't do that. >> stephanie: don't botch my ass surgery. that's where i talk out of it. that's my money maker. [ laughing ] >> i think what the president is portraying in what he's saying is his belief that they are equivalent to private sector jobs. if you have, say the private sector is doing okay or somewhat stalled, you want to buff it up by increasing the numbers of government bureaucrats who are hired. that's really what he believes. >> yes, when the public--when the private sector is not stepping up to the plate, that's the only thing you have left, the public sector. you put people to work, public works, building stuff, fixing things that wil

that is all he is good for. >> bob: you need whoop-ass on that.isconsin decided it wasn't the best thing to do, policy decision on the recall election number one. number two, the side i was on to get rid of that scab outspent 9 to 1. >> eric: that is incorrect. absolutely incorrect. >> kimberly: you should see eyeballs on that side of the table when you said that. i want to talk about howard dean ruined my vacation. i was finally on vacation at four years, had a mark rita, hot tub. my phone rings. i was first lady and calling to ask for gavin's endorsement and ruined the vacation. >> dana: did he give it? >> kimberly: no. >> greg: almost the democratic nomination for president. >> eric: bob, do you have a can of whoop-ass for me? >> bob: i do. >> eric: bring it. >> kimberly: fight, fight, fight. >> greg: the net roots nation conference must have been the most depressing place to be. >> greg: almost as bad as the conservative political action in washington. you want whoop-ass is that bring it. >> bob: okay. >> greg: i almost don't want to. we want

i will give my ass up and like it. i would be inspired. i may value peace, but will not use a pen to unleash my anger. i am not a poet. i am not dying. weight loss can still be a choice. i am not a poet. i don't care much for. i don't spend me weekends read anything writing. i like to have cocktails but i do not have a drinking problem regardless of what state i wake up in. i don't need drugs to open up my imagination. i am not a poet. i can tolerate half an hour of spoken word poetry. what my cats are up to. i always carry my business cards. i am not a poet, i only write to masture bait my mind. i am trying to convince myself that poetry it save lives. it's the dust of art. and i am going to close with to poet. americano. i look at myself in the mirror. trying to figure out what makes me an american. i see chickens. practicing religions without a roof. i see my own blood. proud american blue genes labels. i see them sits outside with the eyes of an alley cat. i see myself trying to be more like james dean. i see carlos san tanna. more tha

why not take all of me and shove it up your ass because you can just about sit with your lips. because i am inside you now in violation of you and are american filthy crumb of a loaf of people. i am here and everywhere. no matter how hold you will always be the snot nosed with the shame spread over your brains from a rumble doubt of gang bang wooden zips where the real thing went down on haight then ran in torn threads of a dead dawn to bring hot rolls and milk to 2 kids in a dump near palieu. 3, chalk it up like the gutters and walls of our breaths. between tilted ties singing the day is night and the night moves inside this long, lonesome bread of glues. don't climb to the top. you can fall in and we'll never again find you. so many come at the midnight taint. paint the world where the sunshine aid ain't. go back to what beginning? a serial suck. a kick in the butt. oh, derelict devil in this hell's night. stay carton. be full of disstress. you can pull the race are card out of your hat. see the mother of memories. the ors slide of the richness. know and your can't pull the r

his big ass sure did. [ laughter ] >> oh! >> listen, y'all are [bleep] around here. [ laughter ] [ whimsical music plays ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's overweight. fat albert is the perfect nba broadcaster. one more item before we forge ahead -- for our game 1 show, the very talented performer mike tyson was kind enough to come up with a song for us in tribute to lebron james of the miami heat. so, tonight, in the interest of equal time, mike has another song, and this one is dedicated to oklahoma city's top player, mr. kevin durant.hunder fans,so, to sit back, relax, and turn the volume way, way down. [ rock music plays ] >> he's the one they call dr. shootgood [ cheers and applause ] he makes the thunder look terrible my boy kevin with the big wing-span plays down in okc 20-88 almost every night it's a crime he wasn't an mvp he's got a 24-karat smile that all the girls can enjoy then he run off the court and kiss his mama like a sissy boy he's the one they call dr. shootgood yeah he drives to the hoop, impregnable

they'll get straight out told, you get your ass down to the pod. >> have your stuff with you. >> you ain't welcome on the block. >> the guards distribute the food. they're only in there to make sure nothing major goes on. other than that, the inmates run everything else. >> sergeant danny herring was one of only two officers assigned to manage the 95 men on wasatch "a" that morning. >> yeah, they can take the block, but they're not going anywhere. what are they going to do? that really doesn't bother me. i really don't have a control issue that way. they let us control and manipulate how they live and what they do. >> they got their rules. we got ours. there's a code of conduct in here that you got to follow if you want to make your time easy. you know, you don't rat on people. there's all kinds of stuff you don't do. >> that code of conduct is the convict code. and the penalties for violating it can be severe. >> the fourth deck's pretty high, you know. people take an elevator ride. the problem is there ain't no elevator. the fall doesn't hurt them. it's the sudden stop at the end.

she's a bad ass snow white, yeah. >> jimmy: and you are a very evil queen.y: is it fun being, like, an over the top, really, like, truly cartoony evil character? >> yeah, i mean, look, you know, the thing is, she's still iconic, right, and we know all know her so well. there's something really fun -- there was a challenge in how do you shake that up and kind of present her in a way that people don't know her. but then there's something really fun about playing a character that gets away with screaming at everybody and ordering everybody around. >> jimmy: do you continue doing that -- >> still do. >> jimmy: okay. >> still do. it was not pretty back there. >> jimmy: i have to ask you a question. do you have proms where you grew up? >> we did, but i never went. i left before my prom. >> jimmy: i didn't go to the prom, either, but for different reasons. >> why did you not go? >> jimmy: see if you can guess. >> what was it? >> jimmy: no one wanted to go with me. >> i had that happen with the one and only school dance. nobody took me. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> swea

so watch your ass, cartels. you're soon to be giant ass. nation, you know me. i don't just give you my two cents. i throw down a $20 bill and tell you to buy a shirt that doesn't make you look fat. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger ( cheers and applause ) first up, folks, it's almost june, and that means wedding season! ( cheers ) if you listen closely, you can almost hear bridesmaids dress designers spooling out their crinkliest taffeta. you look great, ladies. you're totally going to wear that again. ( laughter ). but at the same time, the gays are spoolg out their lugliest attacks on traditional marriage. >> sorry, ladies, time to pack up your costumes, your crazy hats and your cocktails and take that bachelorette monkey business to another bar. that is the message coming loud and clear from the owner of the abbey's gay bar in west hollywood. the owner has now put a ban on bachelorette parties. the reason? he says it's not fair for people to come in celebrating getting married in a room full of people who can't. >> it was hurt full to me being gay, a

. >> i'm not asking, i'm telling with this, kick my ass. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: see, as bad as the banks and the bankers may have been, the one thing that the senators wanted to remind everyone is, government is worse. >> if dodd frank more than marginally made our banking system safer. >> i-- you know, we supported some element -- >> i know what you supported. has it made our financial system safer. i'm talking about the regulatory regime that congress put in place, has it made our system safer? >> i don't know. >> okay. one of your peers, not quite as well-known as you but very-- believes not. >> jon: so i'm going to ask you one more time, look at me as i ask you, did the sdod frank legislation make us safer? are you opposed to the dodd frank legislation. >> actually, bob corker does raise a pretty good point. the dodd frank legislation has not done enough to make our banking system safer. of course t might have done bet ferr it was a little bit more stringent but apparently one senator bob corker voted against provisions like bann

. >> in the ass? (buzzer ). >> jon: i think that's the wrong answer and the wrong game show. but bad economy. polish that turd. >> have any conversation in all of this debate about the two wars president bush funded and put them on the credit card. what was striking about what happened on friday was how quick the leaders of congress were out there wringing their hands. these are the architects of obstruction. >> let me tell you the story about massachusetts under governor romney. it did fall to 47th out of 50 in job creation. >> jon: interesting strategy. our turd stinks but everybody else sucks worse. >> survey says... (bell ringing ). >> jon: just one more answer to give. is there any sort of nonpartisan turd-polishing in play here? >> we did have a very warm winter. >> jon: where did that answer come from? let me guess. >> in the ass? jon: you're not even trying. i'm afraid that's all the time we have. no one ever said obama wouldn't be a one-term president if he didn't fix the entire economy in three years. >> a year from now i think people are going to see we're starting

keen on getting the word out getting the articles written the portray the president as a total bad ass signing off on executions waging cyber warfare by launching the most sophisticated computer virus of all time oh and how can we forget he also got bin laden now clearly i'm being a little sarcastic here i think you all know how i feel now about the many legal violations committed by our former constitutional law professor commander in chief violations so-called liberals are now ok with because it's obama that's committing them and he's our guy but just think about it to something seem a little bit strange to you a little off isn't this the same white house as waging an unprecedented war against whistleblowers charging more people with the espionage act than any other president in our history yep same guy same administration that's repeatedly used the state secrets privilege in courtrooms because they don't want to damage national security but when it comes to leaking a story to the new york times out waging cyberwar around election time even though as they write parts of this highly c

he's kicking ass and making namastes. (cheers and applause) now its worst part, folks s that sister farley, no jim, no, sister margaret farley, that's better, sister farley has a section in her book on how women have found great good in self-pleasuring. oh, is that how you help the poor by teaching them to master bait. i'm sorry w a guy in my subway car this morning had it down. no help. (applause) now folks the church has condemned sister farley's book saying masturbation is an intrinsically and grachly disordered action. wow. disordered. you got to be pretty bad at masturbation to mess up the order. (laughter) the bottom line is these nuns need to learn their place. which is at my desk. please welcome the head of network a national catholic social justice lobby sister simone campbell. thank you so much for being here. now now sister, you and your fellow nuns have clearly gone rogue, okay. your radical feminists. >> we're certainly oriented toward the needs of women and responding to their needs. if that's radical, i gue

mmnntes and told the crowd that the upcomingg and a lot uglier ttan the last one. 3 (22:53:42) "if people ass whats this campaiin about? & its still about hope and believe that we can ake a difference in the life of this country. i still believe that." that." 3 thh president left baltimore to attend three more -3 fundrriiers in philadelphia lass night. 3 president obama wasn't the only one campaigning in maarland yesterday. anne romney... the wife of republican presidential candddate mmtt romney... appeared at a fundraiser near b-w-i thurgood marshall airport. the event was hosted by former governor bob ehrlich... he's the chairman of romney's campaign here in maryland. 3 see all of our stories about the race for the white house on our website...go to fox- baltimore dot com... and click on he vote 20-12 icon in the 3 3 atrue tory of a maa going from rags to riches... 3 aahomeless man stuubles across 77-thousand 3 doolars in a park... aad & pplice say he can keep the cash.police in baatrop, texas say ttmothy yost found the bag full of wet money... and took it the bank to exchange it for dry mo

yeah it's been a real pain in the ass to try to keep it elevated as much as possible but you know what it's probably the worst bone in your body to break. everything you do. and i struggle around in the band i haven't really been added a brand much i basically got one or two hot meals since i got here about two weeks ago i drove down to town and i went to the campbell diner with somebody worried about the speedway i'm worried about a lot of things now. i left less regus rather rapidly and i didn't get a lot of things going to need to get them done really need to get them done. my social life is like right now so. as you can see i have my specialized sleeping unit my. my other my other wheels have a wheel chair and you know luckily i got a lot of storage in the back so i keep my food and stuff separate the way it's kind of funny you know. i've got two guns with me and i haven't even opened the boxes and sort of like i get mixed signals from the speedway you know and things like to give afraid i'm going to so warm and at the same time they're telling their people not to talk to me becaus

in our nightly 21:30 wise ass-a-thon. (laughter) i give you florida governor and mr. clean impersonator-- if mr. clean had... (laughter) if mr. clean had for some unknown reason restricted his caloric intake for a period of time. (laughter) rick scott. you may remember governor scott from his law requiring all florida welfare recipients to be tested while refusing to submit to one himself. >> governor, you benefit from hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars every year so would you be-)m willing to pee o this cup to prove to florida taxpayers that you're not on drugs? not using that money for drugs? (laughter) >> jon: the governor's refusal meant that aasif mandvi had to make aasif mandvi governor smoothies without its secret ingredient. (theb. governor's urine) (laughter) anyway, governor scott's cost-cutting welfare program-- while dehumanizing to those needing public assistance-- did save the state of florida... negative $45,000. (laughter) well, now the governor and former lead singer of midnight oil has turned his attention... (cheers and applause) ... to an e

(laughter) >> any group that comes up with a number that specific is blowing smoke through their ass.always want to be suspicious of specific numbers. >> look, the detected voter fraud that you prosecute and put people in jail for may be one number. but there's a lot of voter fraud out there you can never catch because it's so easy to do! >> so voter fraud statistics are limited only as much as your imagination. (laughter) and the people whose job it is to catch fraud-- like elections supervisor ann mcfall couldn't be more grateful to have this law in place. >> the law doesn't make any sense. i don't see the fraud in voter registration. it just isn't happening. >> but, anne, i'm not talking about voter fraud that has happened. i'm talking about the voter fraud that might have happened. >> where did you get these ideas? >> john fund. >> who? >> having a short window so you have to turn in the form quickly lessen it is chance for mischief. >> right. mischief. >> these are government forms. we don't necessarily want them floating out there for too long. >> if you give them anything longe

[laughter] apparently ass[bleep] isn't the draw that i thought it would be. [laughter] before we go, it's time to play a little game of "what did i do to nathan?" i'm gonna show you some footage of my friend nathan's face and you have to figure out what i'm doing. [metallic clicking] >> oh! oh! oh! [groans and laughs] mother[bleep]. >> i shot him in the ball bag seven times with a pellet gun. [crowd groaning] ready? [gun clicking] >> oh! oh! oh! [groans and laughs] [laughter and applause] mother[bleep]. >> do you see my dog watching? [laughter] see you next week. good night. [cheers and applause] >> may 31st 2012, from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you ton, jim parsons, star of the big bang theory and the new broadway show har vehicle a show about an invisible rabbit that kills and eats harvey weinstein. (laughter) i got to tell you though, manment i don

well, when i holler it to him, his little fat ass stampedes, too.he's there, jim. >> then when i give the old cat call he starts purring and stuff. what's up, little buddy? >> talk to papa. >> [ purring ] >> yeah, good boy. >> dad all right? >> he got his tail going 90 miles per hour. >> you can hear him purring real loud into it. so he might have forgot who i am but he knows the call. well, tell everyone i said hello. >> okay, honey. love you. >> love you jimbo. >> you all be good. >> okay. >> bye-bye. >> miss your papa? yeah. >> i still miss my little buddy. i mean when you do your time with a cat for 15 years, you just -- you miss having them around. you know. but, yeah, i said i hope i get out of here so i can pick my little buddy back up. not a whole lot else i want to say except jinkster if you're out there and you're looking at the tv screen right now, it's me you little fella? you know what that means little fella. my little fur ball buddy. hopefully i'll get out there soon. you can show me what the free world's about.

my president came, told those asses -- can i say ass?t place! >> yeah. >> she should be his spokesman. funny, interesting, and poignant. i already told you what to do. shut your mouth! [ laughter ] >> it's bold. >> there you go. >> blunt. >> yep. >> and it's true. >> there you go. that was veering into your wanda psych -- sikes impression. >> you knew i told you he came and told you what to do. y'all want to be dumb ass then be a dumb ass. [ laughter ] [ whacky comedy music ] >> all right. mike huckabee. >> if people only watch the three networks, and if they watch bs nbc as i like to call them. >> that's clever. >> sometimes we assume that obama is really doing a great job and he just can't get those crazy republicans to help him out. [ bell chimes ] [ applause ] >> that's exactly what he is doing. because they wanted him to be a one-term president. >> paul krugman wrote a great piece on that. he should run on the do-nothing congress. because the economy would be doing better if they freaking did anything he asked them to do. rush limba

you've got to be at least 7 feet tall, talk about kicking my ass, ha ha.ranger, angel. take care of yourself. with a smile, bobby g." >> when angel began her correspondence with gilbert, she was living in joliet, illinois. her son, niko, was only 15 at the time. >> at first, i was very worried about her emotional safety, because i wasn't sure how it would end up. >> but what had begun as just a pen pal relationship quickly became something more serious. >> on a sunday evening at 8:00 at night, my son brought me the phone, and he said there's a collect call on there, and i thought perhaps it was from sherman, and it was him. it was bobby. and i've communicated with him every day since. >> my mom, she was glowing, she was happy, and it was really nice to see her like that. >> i started feeling something for bobby. i was falling in love with him, and it's an emotion that you can't control. it just happens. >> and after four months of calls and letters, angel decided to make the 700-mile trip from illinois to alabama, and she visited bobby for the first time.

really, really adamant about it. >> jimmy: and you disregarded it entirely. >> well, it was such a bad ass like. >> jimmy: i see, yeah. >> so i went -- i was at a party, a friend said, oh, we're going. i thought, oh, my god, this is my chance. and i was a little hungover. we got on the plane, i just did the tandem thing. i didn't do a course or anything, where you just basically hook onto a guy. and i'm hooked onto this guy and we're on the plane and the propeller is really loud. but i can hear him snoring. and i'm thinking to myself, that's not a good sign. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. >> so, i turn back, and i'm like, are you okay? he's like, yeah, i'm just -- i was out until, like, 4:00 a.m. >> jimmy: by the way, he's snoring with you attached to him, i mean, he's really out of it. because this is -- [ applause ] -- not exactly the typical day at work. >> oh, my god, jimmy. >> jimmy: did you jump out of the plane? >> yeah, i did. >> jimmy: with the snoring guy? >> he woke up for that part. and it's really amazing because i'm not really a big fan of heights or anything like that. >> jimmy:

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