i slather myself with margarine and call myself bill schulz is marginal liesed. let them lick it up. >> and then set you on fire? >> not that part. >> or otherwise known as tuesday. >> but i won't get paid for it. >> i will try to do this story now. why did they erase her smiling face. the obamacare cover girl is missing and the white house refuses to say what they did with her. what are they hiding? yes it is day who cares of -- >> obama-apocalypso care gate. >> it was a mystery woman greeting visitors to health care .gov. she became the face of futility and nicknamed glitch girl. on sunday she was replaced by icons showing four ways people can learn about obamacare. one of them outlines a new way to enroll. according to the white house after you log-in you write the name of the insurance plan you want on your computer screen and then you commit suicide. where is obamacare cover girl right now? "red eye" tracked her down in her internet which is now her prison. >> never been happier. i want to get in that machine. andy, you have been defending obamacare and sayi

my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. awe look. and if hilarity was an air horn hundreds of people would blow him at a soccer game. sitting next to me is a comedian, andrew schulz, family member of bill schulz, yikes. >> the lede. that's the first story. ps, i'm sorry. >> that's nice. you are related to bill? >> i am. cousins. >> i'm sorry. >> we can tell you more about it. >> i don't want to hear anything. i want to go to the next story, it is just sad. sad news out of pennsylvania, an actual state, thanks to the government shutdown a planned ku klux klan rally has been halted. don't like the shirt i'm wearing. the rally was set to take place this saturday at gettysburg national military park, but officials had to tell the sheet freaks the shutdown meant all special events were canceled. that's the first story in our coverage of -- >> shutdown [bleep]. >> i found this shirt in the green room because the other one had make up on it. >> it is klan white. >> it really is. >> president obama, aka, the american hating crypto kenyan has

it is my sidekick, bill schulz. i guess jesse joyce is styling you now. if hilarity was lottery winnings i would blow him on a ferrari. next to me, joe devito. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. wait, they actually let this guy host? >> yes. he is saying nope to public dope. recreational mark marge use may be legal -- marijuana use may be legal in colorado, but denver's mayor doesn't want to see you or smell you smoking. it michael hancock introduced an ordinance that would make it illegal to light up in city, pas or private property where it is seen or smelled. it could be subject to a $999 fine. that's silly. you could also have a year in jail. which sounds like fun. similar laws exist for glue, but they say making it illegal for people to fire up bongs on their own porch is going too far. mayor hancock says, quote, marijuana is one of the elements that can be invasive. i shouldn't have to smell your activities from your backyard. tell me about it. we asked a denver resident for comment. >> this is what is wrong with animals who use drugs. th

and fema considers him a disaster area, my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. and if riding talent was a spin class groups of people would do hill every morning at the gym. his latest, greatest book, "nightmare city." it sounds like a date with me. comes out november 5th, 5th, 5th. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. time to talk, america. >> i don't know why i still keep him on the job. all right, is there -- is their spoof further proof? hollywood loves obama. and now funny or die has teamed up with the nation's finest celebrities in a campaign to get young people to enroll in the obamacare exchange that opens on tuesday. one of the video's stars, jennifer hudson in a parity of scandal. it is hilarious. jay in a cut throat world of dc. >> we have a bit of a scandal. >> she takes seemingly impossible scandals and makes them go poof. >> this is my son. he has no health insurance. >> under the affordable care act you stay under your parents' plan until you are 26. >> thanks, fixer. >> my company's health care does not cover mammograms. >> it covers pre

and my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. and if hilarity was salsa he would come on a fajita. >> welcome to black eye. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. [inaudible]. >> all right. should the stand still help their treadmill? two house democrats are calling for the congressional gym to be closed until the crisis is over. you know what that means. it is day whatever of -- >> shutdown. >> bill foster and patrick murphy, if that's their real name say they should not have access while police go without pay and children are turned away from head start and veterans wonder figure their benefits will come. so the gym may be open for now, but it doesn't mean the shirtless for coz of the per -- shirtless torsos of the are without towels. without janitors look what happened to the locker room bathroom. >> wow. that came out of somebody's ass. >> wow. wow. >> do i have more stuff to talk about? >> i think you said enough, sir. >> meanwhile, seven days into the shutdown the u.s. army ordered a $47,000 mechanical bull. it uses

and my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz still alive and next to me the legendary actor kevin sorbo with a code that said kill everyone. his book "chicken soup are to the soul, think positive for the kids" is too nice of a book for" red eye" and comes out october 29th. you better buy it. and his new movie called "storm rider" is now out on dvd. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. >> every breath you take. every move you make. i will be watching you, greg. >> thank you. >> a twitter troll was yanked from his hole. as first reported by the dailytn animal. white house national security official was canned last week after his bosses discovered he was the person posting mean, weird tweets under the name natsack-wonk. a lot of his venom was aimed at women. here is a sampling. i feel sorry for the husband of jay rubin blogger. he has to have sex with her every five years. his biggest mistake in marying his wife and she put on pounds since her redskin cheerleader days. and this one i am dying to call out liz cheney for the overweight fat pig she is. this guy has an issue. dana perino y

it is bill schulz. and he could kill you with a gun, a gun made of string. sitting next to me, mike baker, former cia operative and current president of diligence, diligence, maker of diligence handbags, staple guns and diligence coffee mugs. diligence, if you knew what we really did your head would be at the bottom of the ocean. your torso would be in a suitcase in guam and your legs in canada in the belly of an elk. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. >> hi greg, wait, sorry, man. >> okay. does breaching -- preaching peace not work if you are a jerk? according to new research, anti-bullying programs have an opposite effect. a university of texas criminologist looked at data from all 50 states, 50 states, mike! >> we have 50 states? >> and they found students at schools with anti-bullying programs are more likely to become victims of wet willies where kids who have no such instruction are less likely to suffer from them. the criminologists found that videos and the anti-bullying campaigns may teachers and bullies how to be better at their craft he

my resols -- my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. and -- sitting next to me best selling author eric and his latest book is called "7 men." that sounded like last weekend and the secret of their greatness. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. who is with me? >> half of america. the twerk nie g twit is now an outfit. it is the most popular costumes of the year. the red-nailed foam finger look is the current fave. rejoice, america. and in other miley news, after the pop tart compared her wrecking ball video to shaw neighed o'connor's "nothing compares to you" she decided to write an open letter to the 20-year-old and it wasn't pretty. i think we know what this means. >> anyway. i am pleased to announce that fox business' lou dobbs who was a huge hannah montana fan will read the excerpt of the letter to miley. >> none of the men ogling you give an explative about you. mini is the woman who mistook lust for love. if they want you sexually it doesn't mean they give an explative about you. your body is for you and your boyfriend.

next to hem, the repulsive bill schulz. and then next to me, he is beautiful, sherrod small. >> hash tag red eye. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. hey, greg, is 3:00 a.m. the morning or the night? >> that's a good question for a disembodied voice. it was the faint that ain't.me s suggested the so-called president staged the pregnant lady almost fainting during monday's rose garden speech. a group called lady patriots, that sounds fun, took a close look and here is the tape our kenyan born lady hating interloper doesn't want you to see. >> this video shows that barack obama and the pregnant woman in the rose garden has a plan. there were several people involved. while we were watching and listening to what he was saying, we weren't paying attention to what he was doing. the woman standing beside the pregnant woman is holding her hand. if you notice her left hand has sliped behind her back. watch the woman to the right of her friend. she leaps over and whispers something in her ear which starts things moving. >>

his hepititis cheated on him with tommy lee, my sidekick, bill schulz. and if hilarity was a new drum set i would pound him in my garage. david angelo. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. sorry, dude. [inaudible]. >> thanks. shy should -- >>> should her job be in doubt because she freaked out? an eighth grade teacher at a louisiana middle school has been fired after a student recorded her obscenity-filled rant that was five minutes in loopy length. i must warn you. what the teacher says is profane. if there are any children in the room tell them to get the [bleep] out. >> [bleep]. >> i don't blame her, all of those kids with the blurry faces. how annoying. says the mom of the boy who smart phoned the the whole thing, i don't talk to my child like that. she has to handle the kids accordingly like send them to the principal's office. none of them deserve to be cursed at like that. maybe so, but everyone deserves to be groomed like this. >> that is the most amazing thing i have ever seen in the last 10 minutes. harris, welcome to the program and a

bill schulz. >> and more depressing than the economy. sitting right next to me, comedian joe. lateste fantastic comedy album called "you will die." download this uplifting album on itunes amazon and google play. >> [ inaudible ]. >>> very nice. so before we start, joe, you were actually moving to los angeles. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> i'm going. >> what are you doing? >> got a writing job. >> when do you start? >> monday. >> monday. and when did you find out? >> i found out yesterday. >> found out yesterday for a job on monday. >> yes. fast. >> who dropped out? >> apparently -- [ laughter ] >> the insult is so -- >> i could see you literally xrermi i squirming in your chair. can't wait to get the insult out. nothing hidden about it. >> there wasn't anything. so obvious. >> yeah. i apologize. to america, that joke. >> and a carrot -- >> please, let joe respond correctly so i can get the line out. >> what's the show called? >> "the home show." >> excellent. >> after -- >> after "conan." >> congratulations. i mean that sincerely. >> he'll be back in about a week. all right. >> put dow

and fema considers him a disaster area, my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. and if riding talent was a spin class groups of people would do hill every morning at the gym. his latest, greatest book, "nightmare city." it sounds like a date with me. comes out november 5th, 5th, 5th. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. time to talk, america. >> i don't know why i still keep him on the job. all right, is there -- is their spoof further proof? hollywood loves obama. and now funny or die has teamed up with the nation's finest celebrities in a campaign to get young people to enroll in the obamacare exchange that opens on tuesday. one of the video's stars, jennifer hudson in a parity of scandal. it is hilarious. jay in a cut throat world of dc. >> we have a bit of a scandal. >> she takes seemingly impossible scandals and makes them go poof. >> this is my son. he has no health insurance. >> under the affordable care act you stay under your parents' plan until you are 26. >> thanks, fixer. >> my company's health care does not cover mammograms. >> it covers pre

it is bill schulz. and he could kill you

next to hem, the repulsive bill schulz. then next to me, he is beautiful, sherrod small. >> hash tag red eye. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. hey, greg, is 3:00 a.m.

and my spiritual leader, bill schulz. and standing next to me tom shillue. thomas? >> there is no applause. >> i have applause in my head. >> his cd is called "impossible." he signed none of them. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. >> guess not. >> should every teen get screened? a northern new jersey district is considering a proposal to conduct random drug tests on students who participate in extra curricular activities. supporters point to the rising use of drugs among high school students in the area, especially heroin and opiates. i think opi is a full name on "the andy griffith show." the school board president notes heroin is cheaper than a six pack of beer now. bill, let's make a note. not all parents are convinced with one mom saying, quote, we are talking about the school involving themselves in behaviors of students outside the school which is not their province. mind your business. i cite the juarez example. do you know what that is? think about a 5* regular, boring wore res is like. juarez is like. and now think of what he is like stoned. >>

diane, bill schulz. that was my favorite story. i am greg gutfeld. see you next time.> hello, everyone. i'm dana perino. it's 5:00 in washington d.c. and this is "the five." we are back in the nation'skle today for a very special reason that has nothing to do with politics. we're going to tell you why a little later in this show. first, we're in day eight of the obamacare rollout and the government shutdown. the president made another statement this afternoon and seemed like he was willing to talk. >> we can't make extortion routine as part of our

and my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz and mike baker, former cia operative and current president of diligence, fine makers of diligence shower caps, french onion dip and nose rings. for all of your shower cap, french onion dip and nose rings. diligence, when we make eye contact, the bullet is already in your brain. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. [inaudible] >> thanks. >>> should we put an end to spying on a friend? president obama, if that's his real name, may ban eavesdropping on leaders of allies in response over outrage over targeting angela mer ce l's cell phone. the move which the white house hasn't confirmed would signal a major shift at the nsa. a german official told the new york times, quote, if we want to return to a relationship based on trust, it will require serious effort. he said this while laying naked under a glass coffee table. don't know what they are into over there. u.s. officials said the white house okayed spying on allies which contradicts what obama and his top aides. this has thrown them under the bus again because again he is a kenyan born,

my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. and he has more brains than a medical library. sitting next to me, nationally syndicated radio talk show host dennis prieger. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. do you know a good veterinarian? your pug looks sick. >> finally a compliment. he claims it is not a wreck and that the problem is only tech. president obama, if that's his real name, wants us to separate the law from its biggest flaw, it is day whatever of -- >> obama uh poke lills -- uh poke lills don't care gate. >> on monday he expressed anger at the failure of the website, but he said it didn't mean that obamacare sucks horribly. it only sucks a bunch. and consumers can apply over phone or mail, but can you get your questions answered by real people 24 hours a day in 150 different languages? >> you can get your questions answered by real people 24 hours a day in 150ent from languages. >> yeah, what is the phone number for t centers, and do you want to repeat that? >> the phone number for these call centerses is 1-800-318-2596. i want to repeat that. run-800

>> it is tv's ante levey and he is -- andy levy and he is uncomfortable and bill schulz. and penn jaw let. you -- pen gillette. it is one of the few movies i will see. >> above the pearls and below the crown. above the pearls, below the crown. >> your book "every day is an atheist holiday" which is perfect for christmas is available in paperback. >> yeah! >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. >> i had the time of my life and i owe it all to you, greg. >> that's nice. they got yelly at kelly. police commissioner ray kelly was canceled after a bunch of [bleep] refused to let him speak. he was supposed to talk about pro active policing, but they gathered outside to shut it down. as kelly was introduced students in the hall got pissy. i want to give uh warning that you can't understand what the students are screeching, but you can smell them through the tv screen. >> a half later the lecture was canceled and they said the conduct of disruptive members of the audience uh fronts the civil democratic society to the you have the's core values of dialogue in the free excha

and we are figments of his imagination, it is bill schulz. and sitting next to me gavin mcguinness with street carnage.com. it is now available in paperback. >> a block. the lede. that's the stories -- that's the first story. do you think they are treat like us, greg? i think so too. >> i think that's the last day we will do intros. >> done. >> maybe outros? >> the end of the show? >> that's a great idea. >> coming up -- >> they chose the bros. a new obamacare ad campaign is casting a line to the american broheim. day whatever of -- >> obama apocolytpo gate. >> the group thanks obamacare has released seferlt ads -- several them to sign up for bro-surance. not having health insurance is craze yes, sir -- cazier. my girlfriend broke my heart so me and the bros went golfing and the buddy broke my head. good thing my mom made sure i got insurance. young men are key as they pay are to the higher cost of older, sick you are people. ask the bros what they thought about obamacare. >> they don't need obamacare. they are in great health. i have investi

it is my sidekick, bill schulz. i guess jesse joyce is styling

it is my sidekick, bill schulz. you know him as the guy who opened for that guy who opened for that other guy who once opened by byron allen in 1998. it is writer and comedian, i guess, paul mecurio. join the tens of fans who check out his pod cast oi -- on itunes. guess what it is called? it is the paul mecurio show. >> that's a good picture of me. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. you put the it in you hot. >> thank you. a pop star drift needed a lift. on monday, a day of the week, justin bieber visited the great wall of china, in china pab, and was crushed to find the 2,000-year-old photo op didn't have an escalator so the pint sized pimp did what any playa would do, he perched his caboose on the shoulders of his bodyguards and ordered them upward. there was video of the biebs skating down a chinese road with his bodyguards going along with him like a teeny-bopper secret service. meanwhile at his house in the united states. let the dogs do your hard work you jackass. patti ann browne, won't even justi

it is my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. and if hilarity was salsa he would come on a

and my spiritual leader, bill schulz. and standing next to me tom shillue.

it is my sidekick, bill schulz. you know him as the guy who opened for that guy who opened for

and my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz still alive and next to me the legendary actor kevin sorbo withthat said kill evyo

and fema considers him a disaster area, my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz. talent was a spin class groups of people would do hil

my resols -- my repulsive sidekick, bill schulz.