cleto would drive the car.n we were driving around the block -- sorry if i'm just now telling you this. [ laughter ] we'd spend 45 minutes trying to get it exactly -- we marked with chalk the parking spot. it was never even close to worth it. >> are you a good driver? >> jimmy: yeah, i'm all right. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. no, i love it. i'm not going to tell you how many cars i have because that would probably be environmentally irresponsible. >> jimmy: really? >> probably. >> jimmy: you're not driving them all at once, are you? >> not all at once. >> jimmy: so that's okay. do you have like a jay leno-style warehouse full of cars? >> i wish. i wish i could do that. but no, i don't have that. >> jimmy: you don't, wow. this is -- i would not have expected this of you. >> i love cars. >> jimmy: yeah. >> there's so many i still want. >> jimmy: which are at the top of your list? >> well, right now i want a 1976 corvette, a t-top thing. >> jimmy: really? >> i want one of those. >> jimmy: wow. >> and i would love to have

cleto. cleto sr. jeff checked in.uillermo checked in multiple times. [ applause ] >> guillermo: welcome back. >> jimmy: let me tell you something. those fingers-crossed emojis really worked. >> guillermo: that's right! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and testing positive made me realize i need to think more positively. so instead of focusing on how many people were texting, i've decided to focus on how many people didn't text me. [ laughter ] in fact, i made a list of those people. i went through my whole address book to figure out who i know. [ cheers and applause ] and this is a mentally ill person. i'm aware of it. okay? number one person who did not text me while i had covid, my aunt chippy did not call. my "godmother." [ audience moaning ] i didn't hear from her until she got her mother's day flowers from me. then she called. i heard from my godfather, my uncle charlie. nothing from aunt chippy. didn't hear from uncle vinny, nothing from my aunt joanne and uncle tony. my uncle andy, aunt janice, aunt marilyn. quite a few

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!> jimmy: appreciate that. thank you. that's very nice. welcome. thanks. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching and thank you for joining us on a -- well, i'm glad you're in a good mood. [ cheers and applause ] i was wondering, because this is a day that -- i don't know what word to use to describe it here.

tonight, rupaul, van lathan jr., and music from becky g., with cleto and the cletones. now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: that's very nice. welcome, thanks. i'm embarrassed, really, thanks. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i thank you for watching at home and for joining us here in our studio. i have to tell you, we're a man down tonight. guillermo is not here for the second night in a row, and he might not be back for a while. he's at home right now with a

with cleto and the cletones! and now -- jimmy kimmel!heers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. i appreciate that. very nice, thank you. thank you. hi, i'm jimmy. i am the host. thanks for watching. thank you for crowding into a filthy theater for me, i appreciate it. it's great to be here. and to be free. i don't know if you heard this. the republic of north korea today reported their first case

paul & the broken bones, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!rs and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you. thanks. very nice. i'm alive. i lived. i survived covid. i was out for last week. hopefully you noticed. i was out for last week. i

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! you, thank you. oh, that's very nice. i appreciate that. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming, thanks for watching. i want to give a special shout-out, as the young people say nowadays, to those of you breast feeding your kids as you watch the show. a lot of womenel

with cleto and the cletones. and now, mike birbiglia!e: yo, yo, yo! hey, guillermo.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello.u for watching. thank you for joining us here in sunny -- hot and sunny california. boy, oh boy. i have to admit, i'm tired.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, mike birbiglia!you? holy cow. i'm doing this. all right. well. [ cheers and applause ] i'm glad you're excited. i'm very excited. i'm very excited. this is my final night. this is my final night filling in for jimmy kimmel.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice.. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. it's good to be together. [ cheers and applause ] i just have to thank you, that's very nice. before i came out i was talking

with cleto & the cletones. and now, mike birbiglia! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> mike: how are you?wow. do you believe this? can you believe? cau believth'rletting me host this thing again? let's see how we do. i am your guest host, mike birbiglia. i'm filling in for jimmy, who we love, who is out with covid.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, mike birbiglia!and applause ] ♪ >> mike: yo, yo, yo! hey, guillermo. hey, thanks so much. hey!

and music from the b-52's, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!u. very nice. i appreciate that. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] glad you seem to be in a positive mood. well, it's very kind. yeah, we got some positive news

with cleto and the cletones. and now -- jimmy kimmel! ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi there. wow.dy. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i've returned. i'm back. i've returned from the dead. i'm

with cleto and the cletones. and now -- jimmy kimmel! thank you. hi, there. wow. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i've returned. i'm back. i've returned from the dead. i'm alive. [ laughter ] that's very nice. i appreciate it.

with cleto and the cletones. and now -- jimmy kimmel! ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi there. wow. everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i've returned. i'm back. i've returned from the dead. i'm alive. that's very nice. i pr appreciate it. as you probably heard, i had covid three weeks ago. i tested positive, i was positive for a week. then i was negative for a week. and then i was positive for another week. what i'm saying is i'm weak, i think. i wasn't very sick either time. fortunately, i had two boosters. and a whole bottle of flintstones vitamins. but it was a reality check. once i tested negative, i was like, oh, i'm indestructible. i went to an indoor restaurant -- not only was i not wearing a mask, i didn't even have a shirt on! and then i go online, and read, "jimmy kimmel tests positive -- for hiv again." again? i got many, many, many e-mails about that. again in you'd think i would have heard about it the first time. that's the kind of thing they call you about, right? i tested positive for covid while i was in new york. so i had to stay there until i was negat

yes, all right, congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] and then i wish you hadn't called that out, cletoe break and i tried to hand one off to him when no one was looking and you just blew up our spot on tv. [ laughter ] >> andy: don't i feel like a heel! >> we're having fun. >> andy: welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me, andy. [ cheers and applause ] >> andy: we were really expecting to just be guests like a few hours ago. [ laughter ] but here we are, making actual television that is going to air on television. [ laughter ] >> yeah. this is the only thing on abc right now. [ laughter ] there's nothing else. >> andy: we're ruining it! yes! [ cheers and applause ] now john, i haven't seen you in person since you became a father. congratulations. >> oh, thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] yes. >> andy: your son's name is malcolm? >> yes, i have a 5 1/2-month-old son named malcolm. >> andy: wonderful. >> i have a son, i have an heir to all of this, the sweatshirt, everything. [ laughter ] >> andy: is he eating yet, 5 months? >> yes, we just introduced solid foods on monday

with cleto and the cletones. and now, mike birbiglia! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> mike: how are you doing? how are you? holy cow. i'm doing this. all right. well. [ cheers and applause ] i'm glad you're excited. i'm very excited. i'm very excited. this is my final night. this is my final night filling in for jimmy kimmel. he's got covid this week. he's okay. it's been such a fun week for me. it's been such an honor. and now jimmy owes me a favor. [ laughter ] which is nice with friends when it's, like, they owe you a big favor. it's like you can't really say no, so hopefully covid doesn't do any organ damage. [ laughter ] because someday one of those might belong to me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] happy cinco de mayo, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] obviously, yes. guillermo, happy cinco de mayo to you. >> guillermo: thank you. happy cinco, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] >> mike: guillermo has been drunk since uno de mayo. >> guillermo: yeah, for sure. >> mike: sunday's mother's day, don't forget. >> guillermo: oh, yeah,

with cleto & the cletones. and now, mike birbiglia! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> mike: how are you?ey, how are you? thank you. my gosh, wow. do you believe this? can you believe? cau believth'rletting me host this thing again? let's see how we do. i am your guest host, mike birbiglia. i'm filling in for jimmy, who we love, who is out with covid. we checked in with jimmy and his wife molly yesterday and this is what they're up to. [ laughter ] you know, plenty of fluids. [ laughter ] i'm not sure those are the right fluids. that's what they're up to. i will say, i'm having a great time. so jimmy, i know this is maybe a weird thing to say, feel free to have covid as long as you want. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it starting to feel -- it looks like long covid. i'm not a doctor. [ laughter ] but i like long hosting. everyone who works at this show is really tremendous. they keep telling me things like, "you're in the way." [ laughter ] "can i see your badge?" [ laughter ] it really means so much to me. i hosted last night and the reviews came pouring in. here on youtube one of

with cleto and the cletones. and now, mike birbiglia! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> mike: yo, yo, yo! hey, guillermo. hey, thanks so much. hey! oh my god. [ cheers and applause ] wow. hey. oh, wow, thanks. oh my god. i just got off facetime with my 7-year-old daughter whose advice to me for hosting jimmy kimmel was pretend everyone in the audience is a dinosaur. [ laughter ] so this is such a weird experience for me right now. i am not jimmy kimmel. i'm like a totally different person. you may have heard, jimmy is out with covid. don't worry, he's okay. but i'm your substitute teacher for tonight, mike birbiglia, or as i'm known in the news -- >> kimmel announced on twitter that comedian mike -- bur-bil-ya -- i can't say his name. >> thanks to mike burrbilia who will take the reigns -- >> comedian mike burrbiglya -- >> comedian mike burrbigliya will be filling in. >> comedian mike birbigly will fill in -- [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> mike: it rolls off the tongue. [ laughter ] if you don't know me, i'm sort of one of those guys that you s

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice.elcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. it's good to be together. [ cheers and applause ] i just have to thank you, that's very nice. before i came out i was talking to one of our camera guys, chris, has earpieces in. he turned to me to say something, it's very quiet backstage, and he was shouting. i jumped out of my skin. [ laughter ] i'm a little discombobulated right now. i will tell you, i've heard from a lot of people who watch the show over the past 48 hours. it has been nice. it gives me hope, knowing that so many americans are determined to change the status quo that is represented by -- [ cheers and applause ] -- these villains. these people like greg abbott, u the senator from texas, who is such an interesting character. his need for attention is so powerful, he has been everywhere this week. doing interviews. pontificating in that low "i care" voice that he puts on. [ laughter ] defending this disturbing allegiance these

with cleto and the cletones! and now -- jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. i appreciate that. very nice, thank you. thank you. hi, i'm jimmy. i am the host. thanks for watching. thank you for crowding into a filthy theater for me, i appreciate it. it's great to be here. and to be free. i don't know if you heard this. the republic of north korea today reported their first case of covid-19. can you imagine that? two years after we all got it. [ laughter ] according to their director of their national institute of infectious disease, dr. dennis rodman -- [ laughter ] the virus, which until now had been un-detected, has appeared. [ laughter ] how did covid even get into north korea? did kid rock play pyongyang? not tell us about it? [ laughter ] of course, the truth is, there have probably been many covid cases in north korea, the country just hasn't acknowledged them for fear of angering their leader's mighty scrotum. [ laughter ] but they are admitting it now, and they've ordered a shutdown, a nationwide lockdown.

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us here in sunny -- hot and sunny california. boy, oh boy. i have to admit, i'm tired. i don't like to admit it as i know it makes me vulnerable. one of you could have tagged me and get this spot. i got home late last night. i got home at 3:00 a.m. we were in washington this weekend presenting the mark twain prize to jon stewart. [ cheers and applause ] who is a national treasure. it was a lot of fun. but a lot of people there were worried i might get locked up being in the same town as the klan mom, marjorie taylor greene. [ laughter ] who you may know reported me to the capitol police last week. i actually met some of the capitol police. i think i'm going to be okay. there was no a.p.b. put out. [ laughter ] i was able to walk around freely in the city. but marjorie is busy getting sued by a group of her constituents in georgia who believe she is ineligible to run for re-election because of

and music from the b-52's, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. very nice. i appreciate that. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] glad you seem to be in a positive mood. well, it's very kind. yeah, we got some positive news today covid-wise. i don't know if i believe it, seeing as how i know about 20 people who have covid or have had it this month. but dr. fauci says we are no longer in the pandemic phase of the virus. [ cheers and applause ] we are transitioning from the pandemic phase to the awkward teenage phase. [ laughter ] so instead of your hands, wash your face. and yet, there are hundreds of nuts out there still spreading nonsense, touting unproven, ineffective medications, calling for dr. fauci's head. one of those people is running for governor of arizona. she as former phoenix local newscaster named kari lake who's trying to make a name for herself by out-crazying the field. >> i want to make ivermectin and other inexpensive, effective d

with cleto and the cletones. and now -- jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi, there. wow. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i've returned. i'm back. i've returned from the dead. i'm alive. [ laughter ] that's very nice. i appreciate it. i had, as you probably heard, i had covid three weeks ago. i tested positive. three weeks ago, i was positive for a week. then i was negative for a week between that. and then i was positive for another week. what i'm saying is i'm weak, i think. [ laughter ] i wasn't very sick either time. fortunately, i had two boosters. and a whole bottle of flintstones vitamins. [ laughter ] but it was a reality check. once i tested negative, i was like, oh, i'm indestructible. i can do anything. i went to an indoor restaurant, which is something i haven't done in a long time. not only was i not wearing a mask, i didn't have a shirt on! [ laughter ] i was just going crazy. then i go online after i tested and i read this headline. "jimmy kimmel tests positive -- for hiv agai

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: well, thank you, thank you, thank you. oh, that's very nice. i appreciate that. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming, thanks for watching. i want to give a special shout-out, as the young people say nowadays, to those of you breast feeding your kids as you watch the show. a lot of women tell me they watch the show while they're up late feeding their children, which is very intimate. a mother, her child, and me looking at them in the dark. [ laughter ] and so this story i think is of particular interest to you. there is a nationwide shortage of baby formula. part of the reason is because of the supply chain issues. part is because of a recall. and a lot of the shortage, the bulk of it, in fact, is because of this kid. [ laughter ] hogging it all up for himself. authorities are warning parents now, and this is serious, not to try to make your own baby formula. i don't know. i'm sure the ivermectin and bleach people could figure this

with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: appreciate that. thank you. very nice. welcome. thanks. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching and thank you for joining us on a -- well, i'm glad you're in a good mood. [ cheers and applause ] i was wondering, because this is a day that -- i don't know what word to use to describe it here. shocking? unfathomable? stupefying? yes, a stupefying day in our nation's history. the senate this afternoon took a vote on whether women should have the right to choose to have an abortion. the bill would have guaranteed pro-choice rights nationwide. it did not pass. it needed 60 votes. it only got 49. even though a strong majority of american voters want those rights protected, every democrat voted in favor of the bill except joe manchin, who voted with his fellow republicans. [ laughter ] with the supreme court likely to overturn roe v. wade, the democrats wanted to get their counterparts on the record opposing it. chuck schumer said he called for the