right, grube? - sure. - no, you don't. these oysters are all i need to put you right in the cooler. - good afternoon, captain. - you bet it's a good afternoon, mchale. i'm sending these 2 cutthroats to the brig. - to the brig? on what charges? that's the charge, they're selling oysters illegally. - oh, now wait a minute, sir, that's not illegal. i mean, after all it's perfectly acceptable to sell oysters in any month that has an "r" in it and this is june. hey, wait a minute, you guys are out of season. - i'm going to kill him one of these days, mchale. where was i? you get me so...no, i'm just sick and tired of your men disobeying my orders. - speaking of orders, captain, didn't admiral rogers send specific orders that the 73 should test those new torpedoes today? - what has that got to do with this? what, what, what, what? - seeing as how i can't make a test without a full crew, you better call up the admiral, sir, and tell him that you can't carry out his orders. - i guess we got you there, wally. - you shut up. i'm goi

- all of us, grube. we wouldn't want it on our conscious now. - yeah, that ought to do it, all right, parker. all right, boys, get ready to shove off. - hey, skip, what are we carrying? - yeah, where are we really going? - oh, come on, now. what's eating you guys? - skip, can you tell us the target for tonight? - yes. yes, i can. bangalora. and we're delivering a refrigerator to some admiral. - oh, come on, skip. - give it to us straight. - we can take it. - all right, now, stow it! you heard the skipper! it's a refrigerator. isn't it? - that's right! now, doggone it, stop your jabbering, will you? come on now, you rumor mongers, let's get moving! tinker, start your engines! enjoying the fringe benefits! - will you get moving, you bunch of 8-balls? come on! gruber, this is the last time i'm going to say it. this is not a secret mission. and that is a refrigerator we're carrying. - skipper, don't you trust us? - oh, this is the living end! now, look, you 8-balls have fallen for your own scuttlebutt! and i

what did you have in mind, grube? - well, since you put it so crudely, say 50 or 75 in cash, plus a bottle of genuine taratupa bourbon. - how much? - well, i'll tell you what, make it a 100 even and a piece of the action. how does that sound, lieutenant? - i just hope it was loud enough. - loud and clear, sir. - you have a nice voice, gruber. and we're going to call that exhibit "c." - make it a 100 even and a piece of the action. how does that sound, lieutenant? - play it again, elroy, play it again. - sir, you haven't seen the photographs yet. here. oh, oh, here's one you'll like, sir. - it's a group picture of all of them standing around the still. - ha ha ha ha. oh, my. this one alone should be good for life, huh? - sir? - mm-hmm? - the whisky. - oh, the whisky. yes, the whiskey. - fingerprints. - fingerprints. - and, sir, movies in living color. - ah, ha ha ha. sit closer, elroy. - oh, thank you, sir. - sit closer, boy. now, i'm going to get out of here saturday morning. we'll set the court-martial for saturday a

- take it easy, grube, don't let it get you down! - i can't help it, how can we have a decent crap game with all this stuff flying around? - well, nice going, boys. i see you almost got this place lookin' shipshape. - hey, skip, why do they keep dropping these things for? - yeah, don't they know we can't read? - mail call! come and get it! [all talking at once] - hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! you're supposed to wait till i call your name! parker! well, that's the way you're supposed to do it! you wait until the guy calls your-- - hey, skip, you want to try a piece of my wife's fruitcake? mmm, boy, that's good. hey, fuge, you ought to get the recipe. - yeah. hey, fuge, here. try some. ah, come on. you want some fruitcake, mr. parker? - hey, fellas, you've got to hear this. she says, "dear lester." i wish she wouldn't call me that. "the japanese souvenirs you sent caused a great deal "of excitement, especially the flags. "if you can send more of them, please do as they are selling like hotcakes. love, mumsey." - hey, you guys, get

- what's the matter grube? come on. - i don't know how to say this, skip, but for the life of me, i forgot how to... - what? - well, think, man, think! - i'm thinking. i'm thinking. - nah, that's for the flower trick. - no, that's... what are my feet doing down here now? put me together right now! - all right, captain. - you're all going to be court martialed! [all talking at once] - mail call! happy. - ok. - tinker. - thank you! - christy. - thanks. - here's a letter for you, skip. - thanks, willie. - mr. parker, here's a package for you and a letter for me. - hey, you guys. this letter is from miss parfrey. she wants to thank us and says the money we sent got the orphanage back on its feet and everything is just like it was, oh, except the bed time prayers take five minutes - what you got, mr. parker? - i don't know. i took another aptitude test for the home correspondence course. - brain surgery. self-taught! - yeah. brain surgery! boy, that's even better than hypnotism! and look. they include a scalpel. boy

- come on, grube. those nurses don't even look at me when they're giving me a shot. - oh, relax, hap. that's because they're on duty, but when you're alone with them, under the stars, and they see that love light gleaming in your eyes, kid... - virge, the only light i ever put in a girl's eye is the glare from this... have a ball tonight, you guys. i'm going to wash up and hit the sack. - boy, you know, i feel kinda sorry for old hap. a guy can't be a loner and like it. - well, that's life, huh? sorry, rita baby. i'm cheating on you tonight! got myself a live one. - mr. bell, you are going to be running the gig for me, are you not? - sorry, skipper. i was just making myself irresistible. - irresistible! - hey, skip, can we catch a ride? - hold it! hold it! hold it! you bunch of corn-fed casanovas. what is this, another raid on the nurses' quarters? - now wait a minute, you guys know it's against regulations for enlisted men to fraternize with the nurses. - mr. parker! - well, check that. you don't exac

. - i got to hand it to you, grube. turning sick call into a race meeting was a stroke of pure genius. - if this keeps up, we'll have to get them to build a larger hospital. all right, everybody, all bets down. it is now post time, ready in the starting gate? - all right, ready? get set, go. - and they're off and wheeling at sick call. number 6 takes the lead but here comes number 4 making the charge good on the outside. number 3 is in the brake. they roll the quarter. the quarter is 32 and-- [telephone ringing] - your phone, sir. - i know what it is. answer it. - yes, sir. [telephone ringing] captain binghamton's office. who? the fleet medical officer? yes, sir. sir, it's admiral harris. and he sounds very angry. - well, give me that. - here, sir. - stay away from that board while i'm on the phone. sit down. cheaters never prosper. hello, doctor, i mean admiral. it's captain binghamton. - what kind of a pest hole are you running? according to reports here, your sick bay call has increased 400% in the last 5 weeks. - we

- what we'd better do is go out there and cover. - you duck, grube. - duck. good idea. - come on, you guys. [excited voices] - excuse me, sailor. i'll be right back. is anyone here from pt-73? - you're in luck there, lady. - oh, wonderful. i can hardly believe it. you know, it's almost a miracle i got here. tell me, where is commander gruber? - shh! - right this way, dear lady, where we can talk. - is anything wrong? i mean, did anything happen to commander gruber? - please don't mention that name. - he's fine, except he's out on a secret mission. - where is he? when will he be back? he's always in action, out there...somewhere. - ginger, come on. we've got to report in. - ok. i'm coming, rita. is there any chance that he'll be back before we have to leave? - yeah, maybe. that is, if he gets his quota of nips before lunch. - if the tiger returns, we'll let you know. - aw, gee. thanks, fellas. i'll be waiting to hear from you. - now, listen. remember... not a word about commander you-know-who to anybody. - yes, i know. loose lips sink ships. oh, and i sure don

. - hey, what's up, grube? - the skip and parker just learned that harley hatfield is going to be bunking with us. - harley hatfield. - the movie star? - mr. happy hips? - wow. - where does the oil come in? - use your imagination. we're going to put on a show, sell tickets, he'll sing and during intermission we can unload that trunk load of hooch for 5 bucks a bottle. - what a break. - hey, skip, isn't this terrific? - where is he? - hey, yeah, listen, where is he? - all right, all right, calm down, boys. now, look, let's get one thing straight here. - where would you like this stuff, sir? - just put it right down there, sonny. here's something for your trouble. - hey, skip, 5 bucks. - i already told you, chuck, that's an ensign's uniform you're wearing. not a bell hop's and quit tipping the officers, will ya? - say, a harley, old salt, you can have my bunk. anything else you want to make you happy, just name it. - [excited chatter] - thanks, fellas, but i'm just happy being here with you fine men. and i finall

there's something weird going on here. - hey, grube. you'd better tune the skip in before hero parker gets us all killed. - well, either way we die. but this is less painful. skip? - what? - oh, now, come on. who's interested in small town newspapers? - all right, so, "hometown hero sinks yakamura." what interests me is why is that congressman flying over here all the way from washington... ohh. jumping jellyfish. hubba hubba hubba. - it's our fault, skip, we sent a chapter of mr. parker's novel to his gal like it really happened. - of all the lame-brain stunts! - we were only trying to help, mr. parker. - some help! you helped him right into the brig and you guys right along with him. oh, what a mess! - where are going, skip? - i'm going to go over and try to put a stop to all this before that congressman arrives. - how did this ever get to the pentagon? who the heck reads "the chagrin falls gazette?" - sank the yakamura! parker sank the yakamura? carpenter, where did you get this paper? - sir, i sneaked around, like you told me to, an

. - we're with you, grube. but how are we going to dump her? - easy. we're supposed to teach her about p.t.s, right? all we've got to do is foul up the trial run and she goes running back to binghamton for another teacher. clever? - ah. is fine fighting craft. - yeah, solid as a rock, boy. - care for a souvenir, ma'am? around, ma'am. heh heh. - yeah, right this way. - what are these doing in an ammunition can? - oh, those are codebooks, yes. top secret. yes, ma'am. - "adventures of mighty mouse?" - oh, i haven't read that one. - oh, and here are our torpedoes, ma'am. - ah, yes. the bear sting of your little mosquito boat. [banging] - what are beer cans doing in a torpedo tube? - well, actually, they're an american- type molotov cocktail. you just bite off the end-- this mess and prepare to get under way, pronto! we are heading out to sea. - corrections, commander. we are heading to main base. i want a word with captain binghamton! - those men. untidy, unruly, disorganized, incompetent! - ah, i'm shocked. i'm grieved. make sure you get every word. - you

. - oh, no, grube-- no, not that. - hey, we can't give that away! he drives a hard bargain. all right, urulu, you hijacker. you finally beat us out of it. - oh, this just old barrage balloon you try to sell urulu every week. - yeah, but it flies, in a big white ball! - it just big white elephant--what i want. - it chases away evil spirits, like jungle curse and volcano monster. - you see too many "tarzan" movies. ok, come on, we get away from these phonies. fondo, fondo! - hold, hold it, hold it! hold that fondue. tell you what i'll do--the surplus, the balloon, and four cases of sea rations. [chatter] - sea rations? sea rations--that's good, yes. yes, we feed to chickens. ok, you got deal. - all right, all right, what's all this? macy's basement or something? come on, boys, break it up. - just a little cultural exchange, skipper. - "cultural?" the only thing i see around here is larceny! - a little cultural larceny is what it is. - ah, now, i shouldn't even tell you guys the good news. - good news? - let's hear it, skip! guys, the transfer's been binghamtoned. - what? - no,

. - i got to hand it to you, grube. turning sick call into a race meeting was a stroke of pure genius. - if this keeps up, we'll have to get them to build a larger hospital. all right, everybody, all bets down. it is now post time, ready in the starting gate? - all right, ready? get set, go. - and they're off and wheeling at sick call. number 6 takes the lead but here comes number 4 making the charge good on the outside. number 3 is in the brake. they roll the quarter. the quarter is 32 and--