ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce jimmy kimmel, most of abc's "jimmy kimmel live."pplause ] >> well, thank you. good evening, ladies and gentlemen, mr. president, salam. they told me this would be a very high profile event with some of the most powerful people in the word. they did not tell me i would be looking directly at sophia's cleavage sophia is from columbia. this is what women from columbia look like. what do you expect the secret service to do? mr. president, i know you can't laugh at my jokes about the secret service. so cover your ears, if that's physically possible. i do have a lot of jokes about the secret service. you know, i told them for $800 i wouldn't tell them, but they only offered $30. i'm happy to see that congress is taking this very seriously. david vitter even flew down to colombia to investigate sh personally. i know the administration has been cracking down, but if this happened on president clinton's watch, those agents would have been disciplined with a very serious high five. palms would be beat red. quick announcement. if anyone has ti

>> it is a jimmy kimmel thing. >> say hi to jimmy kimmel. >> hi jimmy kimmel, you suck. >> do you knowbecause the doctor says that if i chew it up first -- >> ooh! >> what? if i chew it up first and i spit it out, you guys get better nutrients that way. >> you chewed it? oh, my gosh. >> well, yes, that's why it's all wet and mushy. >> i have to go to the bathroom. >> don't get up. why are you going to the bathroom? >> i have to. >> you like it? >> so i chewed that up for you. what was that look for? just taste a little bit of it on a chip. >> no! >> you want some? >> no! >> why not? >> it's looks disgusting. >> just close your eyes so you won't see it. >> no! >> taste the beans. those have a lot of flavor in them. >> why did you chew those up? >> well, why not? >> you're sick. >> jimmy kimmel told me to do it. is there anything you want to say to him? >> oh, my god. you're sick! >> jimmy: i'm not going to eat any chewed up food. we have a good show for you tonight. from "cougar town," christa miller is here. we have music from eli young band, and we'll be right back with seann william

everybody says do you borrow milk from jimmy kimmel? ou have occasionally milked me and make cheetz out of it. really a wonderful thing. you know, i had the pleasure of being at your surprise birthday party. >> i know. >> jimmy: i have not seen anyone as surprised as you were. >> it was brilliantly set up. >> jimmy: you never know because you are a very, very good actress and you could easily have faked it but it seemed to us that you were very surprised. >> i was actually not even wanting to go for a drink that night and john was like, come on. i was like, okay. >> jimmy: your husband john krasinski set the whole thing up. >> we arrived, it was at this place, this kind of weird burlesque bar. >> jimmy: it was fun. >> we go into the bam room and there's 40 people, like -- >> jimmy: it was very dark and everybody was kind of -- i took pictures. do you mind if i share some of them? >> do i look -- >> jimmy: i brought some of my -- now, this is the moment when you were really surprised, um, by john. you can see there -- that the forms in th

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thanks.eally. thanks. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. who's ready to explore themselves a little tonight? really, let's dig a bit deeper than we usually do. i like to welcome fans of the show, "dancing with the stars," who stayed up late to watch mow town weeks on "dancing with the stars." nothing says motown like a british guy telling a girl from little house on the prairie that he loved her passo dob lay. all this week they had various performances. the two couples in last place competed in a dance duel. we take two of the worst dancers and make them dance even more. that's what they did. it was between gladys knight and roche aun fact an, and the mirror boot went to gladys knight. this video you're watching is not in slow motion. this is full speed. there you go. like line-dancing. that would be kind of a bummer for a motown legend getting kicked off in motown week. i guess the pips voted for irkel. gladys and her partner will be out later in the show. i'll help them work thr

thanks to jake tapper and jimmy kimmel. he will be on up right after this show.nks for watching abc news. we hope you check in for "good morning america" tomorrow. we're always online at abcnews.com. have a great weekend, everyone. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> the deadline to file your tax returns was la

don't miss jimmy kimmel, coming up next. >> dicky: up next on an all new jimmy kimmel live -- >> jimmy: some teenagers are rorltdly drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. >> dicky: john cusack. >> jimmy: i'll take some. steal a shot of jack daniels from your parents' liquor cabinet and refill it with iced tea like normal american kids. >> dicky: from dancing with the stars, gladys knight. >> jimmy: i'm jimmy kimmelith jimmy: i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about this -- just in time for cinco de mayo, it's bud light lime lime-a-rita. if you like margaritas, you're going to love this convenient, to enjoy a margarita on cinco de mayo, right? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy. and sometimes on seis de mayo, too. >> jimmy: and tonight, guillermo has agreed to share his family recipe with us. go ahead, share. >> guillermo: okay, first you get a glass. >> jimmy: okay. >> guillermo: then, you go to the fridge. >> jimmy: it's somewhere in there, guillermo, you'll find . then what do you do? >> guillermo: then you open the drink. >> jimmy: we had one right here. >> guillermo: oh, yeah. okay. then you pour t

our chaperone for the evening is jimmy kimmel. [ applause ] who is perfect for the job since most of tonight's audience is in his key demographic -- people who fall asleep during "nightline." ha-ha-ha. jimmy got his start years ago on "the man show." in washington, that's what we call a congressional hearing on contraception. and plenty of journalists are here tonight. i would be remiss if i didn't congratulate the huffingtonpost on their pulitzer prize. you deserve it, ariana, there is no one else out there winking to the kind of journalism that the huffington post is linking to every single day. give them a round of applause. it's a great business model! even sarah palin is getting back into the game. guest hosting on the "today" show which reminds me of an old saying -- what's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? a pit bull is delicious. little soy sauce. now, i know at this point, many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent, newt gingri gingrich. newt, there is still time, man. but i'm not going to do that. i'm not going to attack any of the republic

our chapperone for the evening is jimmy kimmel.job since most of tonight's audience is in his key demographic, people who fall asleep during "nightline." jimmy not his start years ago congratulation the huffington post on their pull itser prize. you deserve it, arianna, there is no one out linking to the hard journalism that huff po is linking to every single day. live them a round you've plus. and you don't pay them. it as great business model. even sarah palin is getting back into the game. guest hosting on "the today show" reminds me of an old saying. what is the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? a pitbull is delicious. now, i know at this point many of you are expecting me to go after my likely opponent newt gingrich. newt, there is still time, man! but i'm not going to do that. i'm not going to attack any of the republican candidates. take mitt romney. he and i actually have a lot in common. we both think of our wives as our better halfs and polls show to an alarmingly insulting extent the american people agree. w

no one likes the skinny jimmy kimmel. i'm fat. 0s comedian. >> jimmy: will you be doing the voice for you tonight? >> you are going to be a [ bleep ] in my [ bleep ] tonight. sorry, irv. so, um, here's the deal. i'm going to tell a quick story involving -- >> >> jimmy: a heard a little of the voice right there. >> when i used to direct the show, grover came on. the muppet. knock washington or cleveland. so grover came on and i showed up for rehearsal. he wasn't in a special box. he was just laying on the stage. it looked creepy. he was very despondent and i said, that is screwing me up. and he puts grover on and he said, hi, bobcat. and i go, hi grover, like, i became a kid. and i go, this is clearly where i got my act. clearly, as a kid, this is where i got my act. can you add it up? and i'm like, he is a good actor. >> jimmy: yeah. modest. now, god bless america is a comedy about a killing spree. is that how you describe it? >> it's a very violent movie about kindness. >> jimmy: yeah, how many people get killed in the movie? >> i

jimmy kimmel is coming up next. >>> tonight, on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live." >> i'm beginning to think the primaries will always go on. and jessica simpson will always be pregnant. >> dicky: jason biggs. >> i like having sex with pies. >> jimmy: make a cake. >> dicky: and lionel r ♪ ♪ ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- jason biggs. and music from lionel richie with billy currington. with cleto and the cletones. long last, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you. thank you very much. all right, thanks. thanks. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you very coming. i didn't think you had the guts to show your face around here, but you did. and i admire that. did any of you ever go on the internet? you know what i'm talking about? the worldwide web new might want to start watching what you say. there is a strange new law making its way through the arizona state legislature now. it's a bill that if signed by the governor would make it illegal to post negative comments on the inter

hey, my friend jimmy kimmel, he told me to try the new depend real fit for men. >> you know what? i agree with jimmy. >> yeah, me, too. you sure you're a small? i picture more of an xl type of guy. >> yeah, i'm very big in my pants. >> because we tried them on, depend and kimberly clark made the donation of $150,000 to the v foundation. >> let me go try them on. >> all right. >> go get 'em, bud. >> hey, guys, how do they look? >> looking good. >> how do they fit, guillermo? >> they feel great. in fact, they fit like a dream. >> depend. real fit. hut! >> yeah! woo! in your face mr. weber! >> hey, hey. >> huh? >> are you dreaming? >> they don't make you a better football player, guillermo. >> they don't, mr. weber? >> welker. >> dicky: visit thegreatamericantryon.com and experience the new depend real fit briefs for yourself. an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with -- gabourey sidibe. director morgan spurlock. gabourey sidibe. director morgan spurlock. and music from kasabian. and today we are surg pro football all stars. there's wes, clay and demarcus.what's up guys.

[laughter] ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce jimmy kimmel, host of "jimmy kimmel [] >> thank you and good evening president. salaam. [laughter] it is wonderful to be here. they told me it would be a high- profile event with some of the most powerful people in the world. they did not tell me i would be looking directly at sophia vergara's cleavage. [laughter] i saw you texting. this is what women look like in colombia. what do you expect the secret service to do? [laughter] mr. president, i know you will not be able to the secret service. cover your ears if that is physically possible. [laughter] i do have a lot of jokes about the secret service. you know,i told them for $300 i would not tell them but they only offered 30. [laughter] i am happy to see thatcongress is taking this seriously. daivd vitter is taking this seriously, personally. [applause] i know the a administration has been cracking down, but if this happened on president clinton's watch, you can damn well bet they would have been disciplined with a very serious high five. [laughter] palms would be red.

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay, thank you. for coming. let me tell you something, you picked a great night to visit because tonight i will make one of you my bride. [cheers and applause ] i hate to start things off with bad news, but there was a tornado in dallas and it was elimination night on "dancing with the stars" tonight. time we say goodbye to another of the people we thought we said goodbye to about ten years ago. tonight, soap opera and melrose place star jack wagner got the stangelled act. there he is dressed like a rejected super hero, flame man or something. jack and his partner, anna trebunskaya, will be here later and i will break down exactly where they went wrong. you never really count a guy like him out because he's a soap star, in three episodes, he could be back to stop a wedding and announce he's pregnant by the co-host. this has been an emotional week on "dancing with the stars." each of the contestants tells a sad story to try to make us feel bad enough to vote for them. every one of the stories ends up

it is my pleasure to introduce jimmy kimmel, host of a meat -- abc's "jimmy kimmel live."applause] >> thank you and good evening ladies and gentlemen and distinguished guests. mr. president shalam. [laughter] i was told this would be a high profile of and with some of the most high-profile people and the world. they did not tell me i would be looking directly into sofia avage.a's clevag this is what women look like in colombia. what you expect the secret service to do? mr. president cover your ears if that is physically possible. i do have a lot of jokes about the secret service. i told them for $800 they wouldn't -- i wouldn't tell them, but they only offered $30. i am happy to see that congress is taking this very seriously. he went so far as to fly back to colombia to investigate personally. i know the administration has been cracking down, but it is that happened on president clinton's watch, you can be sure those agents would have banned discipline with a very serious high fives. palms would be read. the plane is leaving for the after party in the four seasons in duba

jimmy kimmel is next. and we'll see you here tomorrow night. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: everybody okay? we had a scary morning, a half inch of rain in l.a. >> dicky: ashley judd and bobcat goldthwait. >> i'm going, that guy is a good actor. ahhh! >> she is smiling, smiling, oh, stop smiling. >> oh, [ bleep ]!Ñ/Ñ/&Ñ&Ñ&Ñ&Ñ&Ñq >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about the new nokia lumia 900 -- the super fast 4g lte smartphone with a uniquely handsome, scratch-resistant design and a big screen that's visible even in bright sunlight. guillermo, do you know what a flash mob is? >> a little bit. >> jimmy: a little bit. well, this is from times square, they had a flash mob set to a special light show set to an exclusive remix of the nicki minaj song "starships" -- check this out. ♪ that's a flash mob. pretty cool, eh, guillermo? were did he go? guillermo? >> i love flash mobs! i'm going to do one right now! flash mob on hollywood boulevard! come on, everybody! whoo, yeah! flash m

[laughter] [applause] our shopper on is jimmy kimmel.e is perfect for the job since most of the audience tonight is in his key demographics, people who fall asleep during "nightline." [laughter] he got his start years ago on the man show. in washington, that is what we call a congressional hearing on contraception. [laughter] [applause] plenty of journalists are here tonight. i would be remiss if i did not congratulate the washington post on their coats surprise. there is no one else out there blinking into the kind of hard- hitting journalism. [laughter] [applause] give him a round of applause. even sarah palin is getting back into the game. she posted -- it reminds me of an old saying. what is the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? a pit bull is delicious. [laughter] now, i know many of you are expected need to go after my opponents, newt gingrich. [laughter] there is still time, man. [laughter] i am not going to do that. i'm not going to attack any of the republican candidates. take mitt romney. he and i have a lot in com

"jimmy kimmel live" next. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live," edie falco, jack wagner from "dancing with the stars. >> jimmy: you got outdanced by irkel. >> dicky: and comedian amy shuker. >> we're really done!dxdx!!!!!!!!úú @ @ @ @ @ @aaaa)a)a)a)a)a)a)a)a)a)awaw lñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñlñ

lock it in for jimmy kimmel next. have a great week, america. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live," ashton kutcher and justin bieber. >> the posters in my bedroom have come to life. >> what is this? >> is he with you or -- >> from "dancing with the stars," martina navratilova. >> guillermo? >> oh. >> there they go. >> and music from the all american rejects. >> let's all agree to not use the word bro >>> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel for kinect sports season two. it's only on xbox 360. this one has six new ports, includes baseball, which is perfect timing, because baseball season is here and i can't think of two bigger baseball fans than my friends guillermo and yehya. right guys? >> right, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh, look at that. just to show how much you guys know about baseball, yehya, where on the baseball diamond does the pitcher stand? >> the baseball -- i like watch it but i don't understand sometime, you know? i don't know -- >> jimmy: so you can see, he really knows his stuff. kinect sports season two turns any living room in

jimmy kimmel our own abc's jimmy kimmel was the host this year. n who had employment problems in the past few months. take a listen to what jimmy said. >> i would like everyone to look under your seats, under each one you will find a copy of keith olbermann's resume. is keith here? keith olbermann burned more bridges than the arsonist of madison county. he has more pink slips than marcus bachmann, he plays cameron on "modern family." stand up and take -- where are you, marcus? there he is. >> all right, funny stuff there. keith had a big blowup at msnbc, current tv. all this. he apparently did not like what jimmy said. he said he voluntarily isn't going to the dinner, since 1988 or what have you. he did tweet during the show. funny that jimmy kimmel ripped me after his people desperately wanted me to fly to l.a. to be on his show this past wednesday. he tweets that. folks kind of respond, say, look, lighten up. >> yeah, a joke. >> he tweeted again. i am not complaining about the kimmel jokes, i am fair game. i am complaining about the revenge eleme

tonight, jimmy kimmel tells us how he will wow the toughest crowd. >> announcer: from the global resources of abc news, with cynthia mcfadden and bill weir in new york city, and terry moran in washington, this is "nightline," april 27th, 2012. >> good evening, i'm terry moran. he's got to be the most controversial ceo in the country. dov charney, the man behind those risque american apparel ads, who has weathered several high profile allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior. well, just weeks after one such case was removed out of court, charney agreed to a no holds barred interview. so, i went to his los angeles factory and discovered something unexpected. this look. so disarmingly direct. moments of vulnerable sensuality captured in seemingly casual surroundings. creepy polar roilds or marketing genius? maybe both. >> they represent our look. >> reporter: it's a famous look. >> it's a look. >> reporter: that look made dov charney and his company american apparel a marketing sensation and put him at the heart of the debate in the fashion world about what might be too sexy. one of the t

jimmy kimmel is next. see up back here tomorrow. >>> tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: every time i bite into the ear of a chocolate bunny, i think of mike tyson. >> kentucky wildcat anthony davis. >> i might take over your job. >> jimmy: we do have a two-eyebrow minimum here. >> lina head dooe. music from needtobreathe. and "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> see ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] at southwest airlines, we're always looking for new ways to make you happy. and we know what really makes you happy are new places to fly. now you can fly southwest airlines' new nonstop service from bwi airport to atlanta. book all of our destinations only at southwest.com. ♪ >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel talking about lg with the techorator janna robinson and her best friend guillermo. what is a techorator? >> a techorator blends modern technology with the art of creative decor rating to create a unique, functional and stylish environment. >> jimmy: oh. is it like a governator? >> no. >> jimmy:

i'm opening for jimmy kimmel?rter: but reflecting on his term and hillary clinton partying on a foreign trip quickly took center stage. >> four years ago i was locked in a brutal primary battle with hillary clinton. four years later, she won't stop drunk-texting me from cartagena. >> reporter: the president, who, a year ago, right before appearing in front of this same crowd, ordered the raid to get osama bin laden, marked the occasion in an unusual way. >>> last year at this time, we finally delivered justice to one of the world's most notorious individuals. [ cheers and applause ] >> reporter: donald trump wasn't roasting the president. that was abc's jimmy kimmel's job. >> last year at this dinner, president obama had his team on the way to kill osama bin laden. so who will it be this year? if you're looking for the biggest threat to america right now, she's right there, kim kardashian. >> reporter: and re-election brings rewind. >> mr. president, you remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a b

here's jimmy kimmel! kimmel live" sngz ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. how are you? thank you. thank you. thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thanks to you guys for coming to visit us here in hollywood. just so you know this is being taped for tv. we are on a television show right now. hey, i'd like to start tonight with legal news. one of the all time great lawsuits is under way. there is a legal battle between the singer trey songz and the guy from the reality show "storage wars" over who owns the world yup. apparently, you can fight over the word yup. trey songz said he started saying it like this -- >> yup. >> jimmy: and the "storage wars" guy says he started it. >> yup. >> jimmy: once again. trey songz. >>up. >> jimmy: and david hester. >> yup. >> jimmy: can you imagine being the judge that went to eight years of college and law school to decide on this? it's yup, by wait, with three us. and obviously this needs to be resolved. when i see someone with a yup s

no one likes the skinny jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: that's true.r. >> fat is funny. i'm funnier now, i'm fat, hey. look at me, i'm fat, i'm portly '80s comedian. >> jimmy: will you be doing the voice for us tonight? [ applause ] >> oh! >> you're going to be a [ bleep ] in my [ bleep ] tonight, aren't you? sorry, irv. so, um, here's the deal. i'm going to tell a quick story involving -- >> >> jimmy: a heard a little of the voice right there. >> i know because i got nervous. but when i used to direct the show, grover was on. did i ever tell you this story? grover came on. the muppet. i don't know, it's not washington or cleveland. so grover came on and i showed up for rehearsal. and he fwhunt, like, a special box. he was just laying on the stage. it looked creepy. it looked like a suicide. he's been very despondent after tickle me 'em melmo took off. i said, can you put grover on, he puts him on, he goes, hi bobcat! and i go, hi grover, like, i really truly became a kid. at that same moment, i was like, oh, this is clearly where i got my act. clearly