jimmy kimmel is up next. we'll see you here tomorrow. >> tonight on an all new jimmy kimmel live. >> good euphemism for death. kids, grandma isn't with us anymore, she's dancing with the stars. >> what happened to you? >> i stepped on a nail. >> that's the only way to kill a vampire. chloe grace moretz and music from b.o.b. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, along with alyssa, who we found on youtube because she can pronounce any word backwards. >> baby? >> gallon. >> noel ag. >> jimmy: see? alyssa's here to help me tell you that stubhub is the place to find great deals on concert and sporting events, even if they're sold out or last minute. and it's so easy to use, you can place your order faster you can say "stubhub" backwards. alyssa? >> buhbuts. >> jimmy: buh-buts! stubhub backwards. stubhub's interactive seat maps give you the freedom to choose the seats you want. alyssa, "freedom" backwards. >> modeerf. >> jimmy: "interactive," backwards. >> evitcaretni. >> jimmy: correct! stubhub offers a fanprotect guara

it's jimmy kimmel. >> oh, hey, jimmy kimmel! jimmy kimmel! st suspended. >> jimmy: what's that? >> how is it suspended? >> jimmy: i don't know what you mean? >> suspended, ah -- you know? >> jimmy: oh, how is it hanging? oh. thank you very asking, it's -- yeah, i was actually just calling to see if you had the bill clinton jokes ready. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. of course. bill clinton. yes. he's a sex monkey, huh? i want to -- i want you to hear my new favorite joke. >> jimmy: oh? okay. all right. yeah, i'd love to hear that. >> ready? >>jimmy: yeah. >> what is favorite breakfast cereal? >> jimmy: i don't know who that is. >> you don't know who -- the greatest cricket baller of all-time. >> he's not the greatest cricket-baller of all time. >> jimmy: guys, honestly -- i just really -- honestly, i was just calling to get the bill clinton jokes, so, it's okay. >> okay, okay, well, let us get our top joke maker, roger. >> jimmy: great. thank you. >> roger! jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: all right. all right. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'm ready. >> comedy gold. ready

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone.ce, thank you. i am jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching at home. thank you for joining us here in the studio tonight. it's my pleasure. what happened, "the avengers" was sold out across the street? it made an unbelievable amount of money this weekend. $207 million the biggest opening for a movie ever. people love indy films. if you add in the money made overseas last week, that makes $655 million in 12 days. finally we have proof of what i've always suspected, we are surrounded by nerds. [ laughter ] producers are hard at work on the sequel which is tentatively titled, the avengers 2, still avenging stuff. if you have ever been to our corner of the world, there's a group of unusual individuals who put on costumes, they stand outside the theater, posing for pictures with tourists and when a movie like this comes out, the demand for them goes up. so we hit the streets today to find out how much our heroes made this weekend. >> i worked about 12 hours over three nights

jimmy kimmel is next. >> up next on an all new jimmy kimmel live. drew carey. >> you should do a bachelor thing where you date the models from the price is right. i have a feeling you'd have sex with all of them. r. >> and rita wilson. >> did your husband name his volley ball after you? >> i'd like to think so. >> have you ever had a gay experience? ♪ [ male announcer ] for our families... our neighbors... and our communities... america's beverage companies have created a wide range of new choices. developing smaller portion sizes and more low- & no-calorie beverages... adding clear calorie labels so you know exactly what you' choosing... and in schools, replacing full-calorie soft drinks with lower-calorie options. with more choices and fewer calories, america's beverage companies are delivering. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word from coke zero. real coke taste, zero calories. you can have it all. >> guillermo: you are so right, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo, but why do you say that? >> guillermo: because i got to drink coke zero a

jimmy kimmel is next. >> up next on an all new jimmy kimmel live. drew carey. >> you should do a bachelor thing where you date the models from the price is right. i have a feeling you'd have sex with all of them. r. >> and rita wilson. >> did your husband name his volley ball after you? >> i'd like to think so. >> have you ever had a gay experience? ♪ [ male announcer ] everyone at southwest airlines works together for one goal: to get you where you're going. and with flights all over the country to choose from, it's a good thing we love our work. and now we're excited to take you to the beaches of northwest florida. fly nonstop from bwi airport to panama city beach, florida. book all of our destinations online only at southwest.com. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word from coke zero. real coke taste, zero calories. you can have it all. >> guillermo: you are so right, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo, but why do you say that? >> guillermo: because i got to drink coke zero and i got to be in the new movie "battleship," all at the same tim

jimmy kimmel is next. >> up next on an all new jimmy kimmel live. drew carey. >> you should do a bachelor thing where you date the models from the price is right. i have a feeling you'd have sex with all of them. r. >> and rita wilson. >> did your husband name his volley ball after you? >> i'd like to think so. >> have you ever had a gay experience? >> if it was in college,wswswsws >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word from coke zero. real coke taste, zero calories. you can have it all. >> guillermo: you are so right, jimmy. >> jimmy: thank you, guillermo, but why do you say that? >> guillermo: because i got to drink coke zero and i got to be in the new movie "battleship," all at the same time. >> jimmy: really? >> guillermo: really. roll the tape! >> what is wrong with you? >> guillermo: i am very thirsty, sir. it's a good thing i keep one of these in my pants. >> you're a very smart individual. >> guillermo: look, i know how to open it by myself. >> the fact that you know that infuriates me beyond words. >> guillermo: you need to loosen up. y

jimmy kimmel is up next. we'll see you here tomorrow. >> tonight on an all new jimmy kimmel live. >> the night i dined with the first lady and today i drove to work watched a man dressed like spiderman. >> you made him cry? >> i made him cry. >> you refused his sexual advances? jonny lee miller and music from >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, with a word from propel zero fitness water and america's number one dance game, "just dance 3," who teamed up this weekend for a showdown between "dancing with the stars" stud maksim and "jimmy kimmel live" stud, guillermo. take a look. ♪ >> guillermo: are you ready to do this? >> i'm ready to do this. are you ready? >> guillermo: honest, i'm nervous. >> no, really? meditati, yoga, calms you down. you should do what i do. ♪ >> guillermo, look within yourself to find what propels you. i like mandarin orange, guillermo. guillermo, guillermo, guillermo, wake up! >> where did that come from? >> don't worry about it. let's do this! ♪ ♪ jump on it ♪ ♪ jump on it >> i've never se

jimmy kimmel is up next. we'll see you here tomorrow. >> tonight on an all new jimmy kimmel live. >> the night i dined with the first lady and today i drove to work watched a man dressed like spiderman. >> you made him cry? >> i made him cry. >> you refused his sexual advances? ->( music playing )sexual - we know technology can make you more connected. but now it can make you more connected to your doctor through e-mail. test results from home. check records. change appointments. now doctors, nurses, techs, pharmacists are all digitally connected to each other. and ultimately connected to you. at kaiser permanente, we believe that if knowledge is power, shared knowledge is even more powerful. kaiser permanente. thrive. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel, with a word from propel zero fitness water and america's number one dance game, "just dance 3," who teamed up this weekend for a showdown between "dancing with the stars" stud maksim and "jimmy kimmel live" stud, guillermo. take a look. ♪ >> guillermo: are you re

jimmy kimmel is up next. >> up next on an all new jimmy kimmel live, johnny depp. >> some of the ladies in attendance believe there's a chance you will make love to them. >> i was hoping you and i could try. >> casey wilson. >> you're sitting in the chair johnny depp just sat in. >> and music from silver sun pick-ups. >> did you have a fav >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, johnny depp, casey wilson, and music from silversun pickups. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you for coming. all right. and there's more excitement in the room than usual. are any of you here tonight hoping to make love to johnny depp? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'll give him time to clear out his schedule. johnny depp is here. he's such a great actor. most of you probably don't even realize that he's in this room right now, playing the role of our security guard, guillermo. you're incredible, johnny, thank you for coming. >> thank you, you're incre

jimmy kimmel is next. goodnight, america. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live," >> i think he looks like every guy in every erectile dysfunction commercial. >> david arquette. and jaleel white. >> it's like you're a married couple. >> it's a bizarre experience. >> it never ends. [ laughter ] >> this is the best interview in - ( music playing ) - we know technology can make you more connected. but now it can make you more connected to your doctor through e-mail. test results from home. check records. change appointments. now doctors, nurses, techs, pharmacists are all digitally connected to each other. and ultimately connected to you. at kaiser permanente, we believe that if knowledge is power, shared knowledge is even more powerful. kaiser permanente. thrive. >> hi, i'm guillermo. i'm here at the beach and i'm going to find out about a dinosaur named alberta. hi, where is she? >> who? >> alberta the dinosaur. >> it's not a dinosaur. it's a place. >> where? >> in canada. >> what can you do? >

jimmy kimmel is next. goodnight, america. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live," >> i think he looks like every guy in every erectile dysfunction commercial. >> david arquette. and jaleel white. >> it's like you're a married couple. >> it's a bizarre experience. >> it never ends. [ laughter ] >> this is the best interview in the history >> hi, i'm guillermo. i'm here at the beach and i'm going to find out about a dinosaur named alberta. hi, where is she? >> who? >> alberta the dinosaur. >> it's not a dinosaur. it's a place. >> where? >> in canada. >> what can you do? >> you can go hiking and go dinosaur digging. >> what is this? >> that's food. >> smell it. >> you smell it. >> but it smells much worse. >> and bigger? >> i wish i could go to dinosaur beech. >> you want to go for a dig? >> yeah. >> let's go. ♪ >> okay. we're here. >> okay. let's go. whoa, where's the dinosaur? >> it's right here. >> wow! th's the beautiful alberta saurus i was telling you about. there were 35 different species

. >>> comedian jimmy kimmel had the gig this weekend that could make a comedian break out in sweat. president obama got laughs himself. i talked to jimmy about what it was like to work that room. >> i did cut an advance of jokes that i felt were offensive. did you want to hear? >> sure, absolutely. >> maybe not offensive. to me they're not offensive, but others told me they might be offensive. ♪ under blue moon i saw you [ young man ] whoo-hoo! ♪ so soon you'll take me there he is! the party's arrived. ♪ [ both hiss ] [ screaming, explosions ] oh, he-- [ crickets chirping ] [ owl hooting ] [ gasps ] ♪ fate ♪ up against your will ♪ through the thick and thin (female announcer) most life insurance companies look at you and just see a policy. at aviva, we do things differently. we're bringing humanity back to life insurance. that's why only aviva rewards you with savings for getting a check-up. it's our wellness for life program, with online access to mayo clinic. see the difference at avivausa.com. tdd# 1-800-345-2550 there are atm fees. tdd# 1-800-345-2550 account service fees. tdd# 1

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show.iting personally. everybody okay? everybody doing well tonight? no problems? [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nice to be home. i was in washington, d.c. this weekend. [cheers and applause ] i had a very good weekend. on is the night i dined with the first lady of the united states. today a drove to work and watched a man dressed as spiderman, urinate into a slurpee cup. [ laughter ] i hosted the white house correspondent association dinner on saturday night. and the entertainment was me and president obama. he was very funny, made jokes about the fact that he ate a dog. some people thought it was undignified for the president to joke about it. personally, i feel like once you eat a dog, dignity is pretty much out the window. get what you can out of it. it was kind of like a loweroast. i made fun of the enormous governor of new jersey, chris kristy. kim kardashian laughed at what i said about her. one person who didn't laugh was barbara walters. i did a joke about her that i thought was

jimmy kimmel is up next. judge tonight on jimmy kimmel live. johnny depp. >> some of the ladies in attendance believe there's a chance you'll make love to him. >> i was hoping you and i could try. >> casey wilson. >> you're sitting in the chair johnny depp just sat in. >> and music from silver sun pick-ups. >> did you have a favorite teacher growing up? >> mrs. gomez. what about over here? sure. no problem. ♪ [ male announcer ] for our families... our neighbors... and our communities... america's beverage companies have created a wide range of new choices. developing smaller portion sizes and more low- & no-calorie beverages... adding clear calorie labels so you know exactly what you're choosing... and in schools, replacing full-calorie soft drinks with lower-calorie options. with more choices and fewer calories, america's beverage companies are delivering. that's all the horses sir. ...and the men? all the king's men are here too sir. it doesn't look good. ♪ >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, johnny depp, casey wilson

jimmy kimmel is up next. judge tonight on jimmy kimmel live. johnny depp. >> some of the ladies in attendance believe there's a chance you'll make love to him. >> i was hoping you and i could try. >> casey wilson. >> you're sitting in the chair johnny depp just sat in. >> and music from silver sun pick-ups. >> did you have a favorite pick-ups. >> di[ male announcer ]ite u.s. olympian gwen jorgensen is going for aluminum. cullen jones is in it for water-resistant thermoplastic. and amanda mcgrory? she's competing for carbon fiber. they're not just going for gold, they're joining with citi to give back to the programs that helped them along the way with bikes, kickboards. and racing chairs. join the movement at citi.com/everystep and help citi help our u.s. athletes give back together, every step of the way. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, johnny depp, casey wilson, and music from silversun pickups. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. i'm

everybody says do you borrow milk from jimmy kimmel? y: you have occasionally milked me and make cheese out of it. really a wonderful thing. you know, i had the pleasure of being at your surprise birthday party. >> i know. >> jimmy: i have not seen anyone as surprised as you were. >> it was brilliantly set up. >> jimmy: you never know because you are a very, very good actress and you could easily have faked it but it seemed to us that you were very surprised. >> i was actually not even wanting to go for a drink that night and john was like, come on. i was like, okay. >> jimmy: your husband john krasinski set the whole thing up. >> he d brilliantly. >> we arrived, it was at this place, this kind of weird burlesque bar. i go into the back room and there was 40 people. >> jimmy: it was very dark and everybody was kind of -- i took pictures. do you mind if i share some of them? >> do i look -- >> jimmy: i brought some of my -- now, this is the moment when you were really surprised, um, by john. you can see there -- that the forms in the midd

and now if you don't mind, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you all for coming. i appreciate it. it's -- it's a pleasure to welcome you to my mobile home. hey, have you heard about the lady who got arrested for bringing her 5-year-old to a tanning salon. first, guess what state she is from. new jersey. is that a crime in new jersey? in new jersey, i think they call that daycare. she was arrested and charged with second degree child endangerment after she let her daughter get in a tanning bed. that is ridiculous. you douse them with tanning spray. have we learned nothing from toddlers and tiartiaras. she said the kid got a sun burn on her own from the sun. i'm going to show you a clip from the news. what you are about to see is shocking. but i promise you, unlike times we have added things fake in the news clip this is 100% real. >> patricia denies she took her daughter with her and said she just took the daughter in the salon and made her wait while she tanned. >> this who

and now, and further more, here's jimmy kimmel!immel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hola. hi there. well, thank you, thank you. i appreciate that. thank you for joining us. thank you for watching. it's a pleasure to have you here. am i the only one wearing a suit? how embarrassing. hope you had a good earth day. earth day was yesterday. i forgot it, too. it's so hard to shop for the earth. i wound up getting it a neck pillow. turns out it has no neck. so what are you going to do? it's the 42nd annual earth day, earth day started back in 1970. they estimate a billion people participated in earth day activities yesterday. and then today, we all went right back to driving our suvs to the gym. you know, they say we better start taking care of the plan element now or it might not be here for our children. on the other hand, if it isn't here for our children, they'll all get to be astronauts, which would be awesome, right? for the record i'm against global warming, so i'm also against doing anything about it. so, you see where m

and now, i'm warning you, here's jimmy kimmel! nd applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much. very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us here tonight. let me just say, it's a night of much pageantry and celebration as season 14 of "dancing with the stars" has come to a glorious conclusion, the suspense, the costumes, almost hyperventilated tonight. at first i thought i was going through menopause, bau then i remembered i was born a man. [ laughter ] >> every year at the beginning of a new dancing season, i bet kind of randomly on the dancer that i believe will win. i started doing this back in the fifth season. i correctly picked then. season six, i got kristy yama gucci, in season nine, donny osmond won for me. in season 11, jennifer grey. in season 12, i correctly picked hines ward. that's five winners in eight seasons which is pretty spectacular, but let's go back to march to see who i picked at the beginning of this season. guillermo, remove the brief case and reveal my sele

also by jimmy kimmel that brit smokes pot. bernie goldberg was supposed to be here tomorrow but -- dan >> bill: hume segment tonight, let's bring in brit hume from washington. what do you think of this holder? do you think he is going to get cited for contempt by full congress. >> i would say it's possible. i think the odds are against it usually what happens in these situations, bill, you get right up to the moment when some type of contempt citation might be issued by a committee and the agency in question will fork over some more documents. they will fuss over that and see if they are sufficient. before anything happens usually it gets negotiated out and some share of what's been demanded will be turned over and everybody will claim victory and that will be the end of it even bill, if it did happen and the house which can do it the senate doesn't have to act. the house were to cite eric holder for contempt. you probably won't be surprised to learn the agency force citation which would be for failure to turn over documents w

♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. that's very nice., cleto. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. it is -- [ applause ] it's a pleasure to have you here. do we have any mothers in the audience tonight? any moms? [ applause ] thank you for abandoning your children to be here tonight. happy early mother's day. as you probably know, mother's day is on sunday. really, this is the time of year when it pays to live next door to a cemetery. free flowers, you know? "time" magazine has a controversial new cover. they put it out for mother's day. this is what it looks like after our top-notch network sensors got ahold of it. they put a black circle over the kid's face and the side of the woman's breast, which makes a lot of sense. just for the record, i want to show you. this is okay. this -- not okay. unacceptable. and these people are paid to make decisions like that. anyway, that's a real mom, feeding her 3-year-old son. either that or it was a terrible super glue accident. [ laughter ] that's some

and now, what everyone's dreading, here's jimmy kimmel! rs and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you very much. that's very nice. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i thank for watching and for coming out to visit. hope everybody's okay. everybody feeling okay tonight? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i had an unusual thing happen to me last night. i went home last night and all the lights in my house were out. it was completely dark. so naturally, i assumed surprise party. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: my birthday is in november, so that would be weird. but if you really want to surprise someone, six months early is the way to go about it. but i went in the house and nobody jumped out, so i knew it wasn't that. so i did that thing, where even though you know the power's out, you continuously try to flip the lights on. every ten steps, i was like, oh, yeah. maybe i'll watch tv, oh, yeah. i have the attention span of a kitten. it's unbelievable. so i go around flipping all the lights on for no reason. i put my radio on. then of course whe

and now, as you well know, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you.ice. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us. that's very nice of you. i appreciate it. you guys all right? everyone feeming okay? it was a beautiful day today, right? and there's love in the air tonight. we've been pumping it in through the vents all day today because "the bachelorette," emily maynard is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: just when you start to believe in love again, "the bachelorette" comes back around to remind us it doesn't exist. earlier tonight she narrowed the men she's never going to marry from 19 down to 16. do you think she'll find love this season? they never really do, but we probably shouldn't look at this as another fruitless search for a relationship. we should look at this as an opportunity to get a dozen unstable narcissists off the streets and into emily's life. she's a single mom, has a 6-year-old daughter. she seems like a special person. she even has a special way of welcoming each

jimmy kimmel, next. >>> tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> happy cinco demy owe, everybody>> between the super bowl and the 4th of july, we would have no reason to get drunk. so -- gracias. >> scarlett johansson. >> i'll show you my thigh hold later on. >> good night. >> roger daltrey. and "unnecessary censorship." >> cheryl, tony and louie will >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about mexico, one of the world's premiere vacation destinations now located direct little south of us. saturday is cinco de mayo and here in los angeles, we celebrate at the cinco de mayo mixologist contest at the new lounge called mixology 101. the best bartenders in l.a. are invited to compete for a trip to mexico by making the best cinco de mayo cocktail. right now, guillermo preparing for the competition in our red, white and green room. hello, guillermo. >> hola, jimmy. did you hear cinco de mayo is coming? >> jimmy: what's that? >> do you hear cinco de mayo is coming? >> jimmy: yes, i did. have you come up with a signature cocktail for the competition yet? >> okay, i have a cocktail.

jimmy kimmel is up next. and all the moms out there, have a great mother's day weekend. >>> tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> happy cinco de mayo, everybody. >> if it weren't for the irish and the mexicans, between the super bowl and the 4th of july, we would have no reason to get drunk. >> scarlett johansson. >> i'll show you my thigh hold later. >> oh. good night. >> roger daltrey. and "unnecessary >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about this. bud light lime lime-a-rita. thank you. if you like margaritas, you will love this pre-made alternative. it is perfect for cinco de mayo. let's start the fiesta now. let's pour some for everybody in the audience. what do you say? [ cheers and applause ] all these cases are empty, guillermo. do you know anything about this? >> about who? >> jimmy: about who drink all the bud light lime lime-a-rita. >> oh, somebody must drunk it. >> jimmy: yeah, i know somebody must drank it, obviously. did you happen to see anyone dra drank it? >> maybe it happened while i w

this past weekend he was at the same dinner, jimmy kimmel was the host.dent got a lot of laughs. >> could someone back there please turn off the president's mic? i think the president's mic is hot. please turn it off. thank you, thank you. >> great. i got to get warmed up. i, i'm so in love -- i totally had that. seriously, guys, what am i doing here? i'm the president of the united states and i'm opening for jimmy kimmel? it's great to be here this evening in the vast magnificent hilton ballroom. or what mit rt romney would cala little fixer upper. >> he told me this would be a high profile event with some of the most powerful people in the world. he did not tell me i would be looking directly into sophia vergara's cleavage. i saw you texting. she is from colombia. this is what women look like in colombia, what do you expect the secret service to do? mr. president, i know you won't be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the secret service, so cover your ears if it's physically possible. mr. president, you remember when the country rallied around you i

whatever jimmy kimmel was saying was not bothering me one bit. >> jimmy: it's called focusing on the. kudos to you. speaking of the astonishing obese, there was a story about an 800 pound bride. all i have to say about this is i feel very sorry for the wedding cake. >> suzann embraces her curves. she's preparing for her big day by eating 30,000 calories a day, mountains of food soaked in butter. get this, her fiance, parker, is a chef. we're with suzann as her sister takes her to the seamstress to get measured for her wedding dress. just getting into the back seat is a work-out. but first stop drive-through at carl's jr for a snack. three guacamole bacon cheese burgers, two orders of chile cheese fries, nine tacos arks chocolate shake and a large coke. >> no dessert? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: if you want to send a gift, they're registered at sponge bath and beyond. [cheers and applause ] today, as you may know, it's the one-year anniversary of the assassination of osama bin laden. [cheers and applause ] one year ago today bin laden was still alive and tup ak was still dead. isn't that s

also by jimmy kimmel that brit smokes pot.e goldberg was supposed to be here tomorrow but -- dan rather was supposed to be here tomorrow but he cancelled. bernie goldberg thinks he knows why upcoming. only centrum goes beyond. providing more than just the essential nutrients, so i'm at my best. centrum. always your most complete. so i'm at my best. you can't argue with nutrition you can see. great grains. great grains cereal starts whole and stays whole. see the seam? more pcessed flakes look nothing like natural grains. i'm eating what i kn is better nutrition. mmmm. great grains. search great grains and see for yourself. every communications provider is different but centurylink is committed to being a different kind of communications company. ♪ we link people and fortune 500 companies nationwide and around the world. and we will continue to free you to do more and focus on what matters. >> bill: hume segment tonight, let's bring in brit hume from washington. what do you think of this holder? do you think he is going to get

also by jimmy kimmel that brit smokes pot. bernie goldberg was supposed to be here tomorrow but -- dan [ donovan ] i hit a wall. and i thought "i can't do this, it's just too hard." then there was a moment. when i decided to find a way to keep going. go for olympic gold and go to college too. [ male announcer ] every day we help students earn their bachelor's or master's degree for tomorrow's careers. this is your moment. let nothing stand in your way. devry university, proud to support the education of our u.s. olympic team. are you guys okay? yeah. ♪ [ man ] i had a great time. thank you, it was really fun. ♪ [ crash ] i'm going to write down my number, but don't use it. [ laughing ] ♪ [ engine turns over ] [ male announcer ] the all-new subaru impreza®. experience love that lasts. ♪ experience love that lasts. let's start with car insurance x. this one does save people a lot of money and it's very affordable. it was very delicious. could you please taste car insurance y? this one is much more expensive. ugh. it's really bad

. >>> jimmy kimmel was the host of the annual white house correspondents' dinner. t obama got some big laughs himself. just ahead, we'll talk to jimmy about the jokes that ended up on the cutting room floor. >> i did cut in advance, jokes that i thought were offensive. >> yeah. >> did you want to hear? >> sure, absolutely. >> maybe not offensive, but -- to me they're not offensive, but others told me they might be offensive. >>> on the eve of the raid last year that killed bin ladin, president obama was at the annual white house correspondents association dinner. no one, obviously, was the wiser about the mission that was about to go down. this past weekend he was at the same dinner, jimmy kimmel was the host. the president got a lot of laughs. he got an assist from jay carney in the opening joke. >> could someone back there please turn off the president's mike? i think -- [ laughter ] the president's mike is hot. please turn it off. thank you. thank you. >> great. i got to get warmed up. ♪ i -- i'm so in love >> god, i totally had that. seriously, guys, what am i d