captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that's it f [cheers and applause] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. guest tonight, edie falco. she's the star of "nurse jackie", great show. but first, the 2012 presidential campaign will most likely be best remembered for the battle the republicans and democrats waged for the african-american vote. >> in 2012 president obama won 93% of the black vote. >> jon: oh, they were so close. [ laughter ] all that is about to change as the republican party starts minority voter outreach program. yesterday kentucky senator rand paul fell asleep on the washington metro's green line and ended up at historically black howard university where he decided to speak. >> some people have asked me are you nervous about speaking at howard. some have said i'm either brave or crazy to

media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ñr ( cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. folks, thank you, please. ladies and gentlemen, let's get right to the big news. mysterious letters sent to president obama and mississippi senator roger wicker. tests indicate these letters contain the poison ricin. sadly when you're in the public eye, this stuff happens. that's why i never open my own email. this is a fast-moving story and there's still a lot we don't know. for instance, there's a senator roger wicker? there's only 100 of these folks and i never heard that name before. roger wicker does not sound plausible as a senator. sounds more like a patio furniture store. next thing you're telling me there's a congresswoman jennifer convertible. so, the point is we don't really know that much about this ricin situation, but in boston 48 hours after the horrific tragedy there has been a major breakthrough in the reporting of all the other things we don't know. >> investigators have identified a suspect. >> i was told

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's if for the respect, everybody. before we go, i would like to welcome a new member of the colbert nation, sawyer matheson, the baby son of one of my editors, add drew. i believe the labor was was 14 hours but he cut it down to a tight four. welcome to the planet, sawyer. i wish you a long and happy life of tricking other people into doing your work. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and to the whole mathieson family, congratulations. enjoy getting to know each other have a skype. andrew, you need you back tomorrow. ( laughter ) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ). captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. here's our show tonight. vali nasr will be joining us. author vali nasr will be joining us. but first tonight, if i may, he's baaacd. >> president george w. bush steps back into the spotlight for the first t

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. wait, wait, wait. remember earlier in the program we saw the great al madrigal. and i bet you were thinking i like the cut of that man's jib. i'd like to see more of that guy. it turns out you're in luck. almadigal's special is on comedy central friday night at 11:00. if you have not seen his standup, i feel very sorry for you. very good. here it is your moment of zen. >> i'm sitting here analyzing that tie you have and trying to figure out if i could mix paint, a permanent rose, and maybe a company of white, and on the other side maybe a captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome tote report, everybody. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, so much. please, heroes, all. sit down. ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here tonight. it's always a pleasure to bring you the tr

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioned by mediagroup at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> >> your realtime captioner: linda marie macdonald >>> it's been a day of fast paced developments in the boston marathon bombings investigation in some cases too fast. good evening, i'm juliette goodrich in for elizabeth cook. >> i'm allen martin. the fbi is adamantly denying earlier reports of an arrest in the case. however, they may be closer than ever. cbs news has confirmed that a suspect has been identified in surveillance video. in it, he appears to be dropping off a black bag that may have contained the second bomb. investigators say the man was on his cell phone when the first bomb went off. he was then seen quickly leaving the area. investigators won't say how close they are to tracking him down but claim major progress. we have live team coverage starting with ken bastida in boston. we are starting to see signs of people's lives slowly returning to normal. >> reporter: yeah. that's right, allen. they are taking, you know, the developments toda

that marlin monroe did not overdose for captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: whoo! whoo! thank you so much. hello. hello, thank you. thank you so much. please, please take your seats. please, please sit down. [ laughter ] wow, you sat down fast. [ laughter ] ladies andladies and gentlemen,f course, stephen colbert. if you don't know who that is, congratulations on waking up from your eight-year coma. [ laughter ] let me get you up to speed for some of the things you might have missed. first of all the economy is terrible. la of laugh all human thought has now been limited to 140 characters. [ laughter ] and most importantly nevil longbottom now looks like this. [cheers and applause] i think we can all agree that that is a real message of hope. [ laughter ] now, another big change is that thanks to ted talks -- [cheers and applause] -- all the real smarty people with the cutting edge ideas are now legally requir

good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioning sponsored by bento box entertainment captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.orgame is cleveland brown ♪ and i am proud to be ♪ right back in my hometown ♪ with my new family ♪ there's old friends and new friends ♪ ♪ and even a bear ♪ through good times and bad times ♪ ♪ it's true love we share ♪ and so i found a place ♪ where everyone will know ♪ my happy mustached face ♪ this is the cleveland show. ♪ (chuckles) ♪ na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na ♪ ♪ turning 63, my dad is turning 63 ♪ ♪ i really think so ♪ doe, doe, doe, doe-doe, doe-doe. ♪ trying to please a man who don't want you. (doorbell rings) ooh, that's robert. how do i look? ugh, robert? he's the worst. no job, no family, does whatever he wants. i wish i was him. 'sup, doughboy? uch, robert! you're the worst. i wish i was you. dah! did you feel that? i didn't. hand over my ali-money. you'll never find it because i keep my money in a neck bag like a tourist. (both grunting) stop fighting over me! enough! i have had it! you must be the two biggest jackasses on the planet. oh, you know what i just remembered? i

i'm captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh acc [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, an alternative to obamacare. good news: everything is covered in-network. [laughter] bad news: the network is nbc. [laughter] then, a new way to celebrate earth day. if you're a planet, you won't want to miss it. [laughter] and my guest, sigourney weaver, is starring in a new broadway show based on chekhov. i didn't know she was in "star trek!" [laughter] this is not "the colbert report." april fools-- this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. thank you very much. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] thank you. excellent job. for just a moment there folks, it looked like you were about to drop the ball in mid juggle but you got it back. [laughter] good to have you with us, everybody. folks, i hope you all had a blessed easter, full of chocolate bunnies and chocolate eggs and chocolate hams. [laughter] i didn't enjoy easter this year. and neithe

for passover we're looking at unleavene captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [crowd chanting "stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank r- thanks so much for joining us. folks -- [cheers and applause] nation, please thank you. heros. you know, folks -- please we've got a thing to do here. i don't grow tired of it either. [laughter] nation, i dont need to tell you that the republican party is in crisis. and ever since they lost the election, the gop has been flailing around for answers. and no one has flailed harder than republican national committee chairman and unsolved jumble puzzle, reince priebus. [laughter] by the way, the solution to that jumble? crisp bee urine. [laughter] look it up. look it up. [ laughter ] right after the election, mr. urine convened a panel of republican leaders called the "growth and opportunity project" to study why they lost. or as he put it: >> you've got to do a full autopsy. >> stephen: yes,

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. we've got a good one for you tonight. our guest tonight, if i may tell, i think you are going to enjoy it. our guest tonight is ken burns documentarina. and by that i mean a person who only eats documentaries. [ laughter ] strict document arian. big news out of washington on the gun control front. >> the first big bipartisan breakwillthrough on gun legisla. >> breakthrough this morning on gun control. >> jon: it's oh, my god -- they finally invented a gun that kills other guns. [ laughter ] and won't fire if you are crazy. can't they do that? can't they invent a gun that doesn't fire if you are crazy? [laughter] it was a bipartisan gun control proposal. i'm being about to show you something. these two senators manchin of west virginia, toomey of pennsylvania represent different parties and they are going to stand together on television within striking

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. folks, you ask any political reporter out there there's no bigger night in politics then the day after the runoff election in a special election for south carolina's 1st district, and "the colbert report" can now project that some other network will tell us the winner. jim? [laughter] >> this is a fox news alert. well, he's back. after a sex scandal derailed his political career four years ago, tonight, south carolina governor mark sanford winning the gop nomination for a u.s. house seat. >> stephen: yes, former south carolina governor and appalachian hiker with extremely poor sense of direction, mark sanford, has secured the republican nomination. [laughter] what a stunning comeback. after being unfaithful to h

exempted people with disables, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] eagle caw] stoonchts welcome to report. everybody. good to have you with us. in here out there all around the world. [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. thank you so much, everybody. [cheers and applause] all the ships at sea, nation i say it all the time, america's military is the baddest ass kickingest fighting force in the history of forever! [cheers and applause] you get in our way and we'll spend 10-15 years taking you down. [ laughter ] and our military just got a whole lot bad ass-er. >> for the first time the pentagon plans to deploy a weaponnized laser on a ship. this is slated to good off the coast of iran by next year. it shows the laidzer lock on to a slow moving target. in this case an unmanned drone. the drone soon catches fire and crashes into the sea below. >> stephen: if you think it's impressive wait until you see what this laser does to plane piloted by

. ♪ it's one shining moment captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause: my guest tonight emmy award winning actor currently starring off broadway in the madrid. "nurse jackie" is returning for the fiffen season on sunday. >> we're going to finish conversation. >> and what is this conversation about? >> dr. roman has had every bump in the road smoothed over because she's -- >> hot. >> expecting it. next time she's not covering something say something. >> i did. >> and back it up. >> nice of him to remember. >> jon: please welcome back to the show edie falco. [cheers and applause] edie falco is here. i love edie falco. nice to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> jon: before we go, taking it back people are not accustomed to seeing you in a more chestnut -- this is for the off broadway. >> for the madrid, yeah, the play i'm doing. >> jon: how much longer are you doing that? >> through may 5. >> jon: if you've never seen edie falco live on stage you have a problem. [ laughter ] nurse jackie when we left off you were not on drugs anymore? >> let me see: no.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> one of the things we need are parents, parents to be more careful and more repetitive at telling their kids that it is captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. thank you, folks. i appreciate it, ladies and gentlemen. thank you. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: please, folks we've got to get going. it has been three days and concrete information about the terror attack attacks in bostons been slow in coming. luckily, there is one news outlet that doesn't let lack of facts get in the way of reporting them. of course, that's the "new york post." today, they ran this cover story showing two men from the marathon crowd under the headline "bag men: feds seek these two pictured at boston marathon." so be on the lookout for these guys. ( laughter ) and while you're on the lookout for the

we'll be right back. ( cheers and appl captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night! ( cheers and applause )

report, e captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey shall everybody. welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. your guest tonight the great filmmaker mr. danny boyle is joining us later. by now we've seen the video of now former rutgers basketball coach mike rice hitting, kick, throwing balls at generally great santini-ing his college basketball players. (bleep) (bleep) hands in everybody, let's win one for the university go. scarlet knights. clear eyes full hearts you (bleep) fairies. i feel confident that no reasonable person could watch that video and quibble with the firing of the coach. >> it's interesting we only pay attention to these conflagrations when it comes to hate speech. if the left wing media makes a fuss over the incidents. >> talk about the wuss-ification of america, of american men. >> maybe we need a

line and running directly to mass general captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> colbert: tonight! hey, look, before we begin, i just want to take a moment to talk about the attack in boston yesterday. obviously our thoughts and our prayers are with everybody there. as the president said, we don't know who did this, but they will be found and they will be brought to justice. but whoever did this obviously did not know anything about the people of boston because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. for pete's sake, boston was founded by the pilgrims -- a people so tough they had to buckled their god-damned hats on. it is the cradlate american revolution, a city that withstood an 86-year losing streak, a city that made it through the big dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for 16 years. i mean, there are commuter just getting home now. even their bands are tough. it's the hometown of aerosmith who in their fifth decade are still going strong even steven tyler looks fantastic, for a 73-year-old woman. but here'

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. a good one for you tonight. our guest jonathan sperber written a new biography of karl mar. x, the least funny of all the marx brothers. the aws tearity measures from the sequester are taking the toll oned the needy in this country. the gun control is losing momentum and walking dead is off the air until october and there was a fourth thing i keep forgetting. >> north korea is one again ratcheting up tensions with the united states. >> jon: yeah, yeah that was it three other bad things and then that north korea thing. for some reason nobody can figure out north korea has decided to ratchet up tensions or to put it another way [speaking korean] [laughter] and now to phil with sports! phil! [laughter] take it away. [ laughter ] very enthusiastic

that marlin monroe did not overdose for captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight i return to the clinton global initiative. spoiler alert: we fix the withhold world. [laughter] and then it's week -- we fix the whole world. [ laughter ] and then it's week two. and my guest author charlie leduff says we shouldn't give up on detroit although he seemed awfully eager to come to new york to tell me that scientists discovered a new tarantula that is the size of a human face. correction, the size of a screaming human face. [laughter] this is stephen "the colbert re. ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. everybody. [chowd] [crowd chanting stephen! >> jon: thank you so much. thank you, everybody. folks, i have to say you are excited. i'm excited. i'm still coming down from last night's interview with bill clinton. i made prerecorded history when i got the president to join twitter and tweet using the handle prez billy jeff. just 24 hours as of 7:00 he has over 88,000 followers. [cheers and applaus

it's on the bookshelves n captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. wait, wait, wait. remember earlier in the program we saw the great al madrigal. and i bet you were thinking i like the cut of that man's jib. i'd like to see more of that guy. it turns out you're in luck. almadigal's special is on comedy central friday night at 11:00. if you have not seen his standup, i feel very sorry for you. very good. here it is your moment of zen. >> i'm sitting here analyzing that tie you have and trying to figure out if i could mix paint, a permanent rose, and maybe a company of white, and on the other side maybe a captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome tote report, everybody. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you, so much. please, heroes, all. sit dn.

it's on the bookshelves captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. wait, wait, wait. remember earlier in the program we saw the great al madrigal. and i bet you were thinking i like the cut of that man's jib. i'd like to see m

. >> where h captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central . ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report, everybody. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. please, sit down. folks, thank you for being in here, out there, i want to welcome everybody here. nation, ever since president obama won re-election in november, republicans have been pinning their hopes for 2016 on new jersey governor and grown-up campbell's kid chris christie. sadly, a new scandal has exploded that could derail christie's ambitions. he was recently caught on tape blatantly lying to one of his constituents about his past. >> this is your time here. get the microphone. >> what's your favorite tv show. i like to watch sports. what's your favorite tv show. >> scooby doo. how old are you? four. when i was four, my favorite show was scooby doo too. >> stephen: shocking. shocking that scooby doo is still on the air. although in the new episode when the har

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's if for the respect, everybody. before we go, i would like to welcome a new member of the colbert nation, sawyer matheson, the baby son of one of my editors, add drew. i believe the labor was was 14 hours but he cut it down to a tight four. welcome to the planet, sawyer. i wish you a long and happy life of tricking other people into doing your work. ( laught )

good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight mr. salomon rushdie will be joining us. i'm going to begin tonight talking about perks. little job benefits, maybe the benefits of your job that make it worthwhile. the ability to work from home, perhaps a perk. a machine that dispenses the free coffee, a perk. immunity from murder charges, a perk. but as "60 minutes" taught us a year and a half ago there may be no better perk than the one members of congress receive. >> congress lawmakers have no corporate responsibility and have long been considered exempt from insider trading laws, even though they have daily access to

mark mazzetti, eve captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> one of the things we need are parents, parents to be more careful and more repetitive at telling their kids that it is

cheers and applause] >> stephen: good night, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. tonight's guest is a good one. here's what we've got. we've got david stockman is on the show. we're very excited. he's got some cures for what ales the american economy. spoiler alert. $5 trillion coin. that will do it. because one, what is that going to do? traditionally the president of the united states submits a budget detailing spending priorities in february. it is april. the president has yet to deliver. most likely taking great care given the enormous stakes, wanting to fine tune this budget to get it just right. it could go... >> dead on arrival. that is the early verdict from house republicans about president obama's budget proposal. >> jon: noooo! it can't be dead. they sent me one. no air holes in it. i'm sure it's fine. i'm sure.

< captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's if for the respect, everybody. before we go, i would like to welcome a new member of the colbert nation, sawyer matheson, the baby son of one of my editors, add drew. i believe the labor was was 14 hours but he cut it down to a tight four. welcome to the planet, sawyer. i wish you a long and happy life of tricking other people into doing your work. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and to the whole mathieson family, congratulations. enjoy getting to know each other have a skype. andrew, you need you back tomorrow. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) charlie: hello, charlie kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. is your cat making too much noise all the time? is your cat constantly stomping around, driving you crazy?! (crashing, lion roaring sounds) is your cat clawing at your furnitures? (growling) think there's no answer? you're so stupid! there is! kitten mittens. finally, there's an elegant comfortable mitten for cats.