mr. roper? mr. roper?! helen, you wouldn't believe what a nightmare i just had. mr. roper, wake up! come on, wake up! hey! oh, my god. what have you done with helen? mr. roper, uh... what are you doing here? this is my bed! oh, my god! how did you get me up here? you drank a lot and you must have passed out. i never pass out. why were you in my bed? i must have passed out. let's see, the last thing i remember i was doing the hustle with somebo... this is awful! what? my being in bed with you and you being a... people are liable to get the wrong idea. yeah, i see what you mean. listen... yes... you got to promise me something. that we'll just keep it between the two of us. what happened here will never leave these lips. i appreciate it. i can't vouch for the blabbermouths. not to worry. most were your friends from the bar. oh, my god! i got to get out of here. ooh, the girls. the girls went to san diego, right? right. and they got back a few minutes ago. the window. it won't open. why not? you still haven't fixed it. i'm trapped! mr. roper, the girls will be in the kitchen oh, good,

mr. roper? mr. roper?! helen, you wouldn't believe what a nightmare i just had. mr. roper, wake up! come on, wake up! hey! oh, my god. what have you done with helen? mr. roper, uh... what are you doing here? this is my bed! oh, my god! how did you get me up here? you drank a lot and you must have passed out. i never pass out. why were you in my bed? i must have passed out. i was doing the hustle with somebo... this is awful! what? my being in bed with you and you being a... tinkerbell? people are liable to get the wrong idea. yeah, i see what you mean. listen... yes... you got to promise me something. that we'll just keep it between the two of us. what happened here will never leave these lips. i appreciate it. i can't vouch for the blabbermouths. what? not to worry. most were your friends from the bar. oh, my god! i got to get out of here. ooh, the girls. the girls went to san diego, right? right. and they the window. it won't open. why not? you still haven't fixed it. i'm trapped! mr. roper, the girls will be in the kitchen so you can just sneak out and they won't see you. oh, goo

ah, my dear mr. roper i wonder if you and your charming wife would care to join me upstairs for a cocktail or two. i don't think so. i'm kind of tired. his charming wife is wide awake. we'd love to have you, too, mr. roper. no. you and helen go right ahead. you mean, you would trust me alone with your wife? like you were her mother. i got to catch up on my sleep. poor thing. he hasn't had a nap since this morning. you... you go on ahead. i'd like a moment to myself. why? well, i'm in the midst of composing a poem to your beauty and i haven't finished it yet. ( laughs nervously ) take your time. psst. it's all set. what do you mean all set? roper's still in there. don't worry about him. he said he was going to go to sleep. just be quiet in there. good luck. yeah, good luck. okay, girls, now, i want you to stand guard out here and if you see anybody coming, whistle. i can't whistle. ( snoring ) ( snoring ) ( coughs ) ( sighs ) ( snoring ) ( gasps ) ( coughs ) what the hell are you doing here?! i thought you

mrs. roper. of course you can... mrs. roper. you see, i had a quart, but it went sour. mr. roper fixed our fridge and you know how he fixes things. now it deep-frosts every time we flush the toilet. chrissy, would you bring mrs. roper some milk?! oh, you girls don't have to wait on me. i'll get it myself. oh! you want to go into the kitchen, mrs. roper? do you find it a trifle noisy in here, dear? come in, mrs. roper. hi. here you are. oh, thank you, chrissy. hello, jack. oh... oh... is that something you made in cooking school today? yes, as a matter of fact, it is. it's a beef bourguignon. oh... that's french, isn't it? uh, most of it. that looks delicious! oh, but that's not enough for the three of you, is it? leftovers. i was just throwing this out. oh, no, no. don't throw it out. oh, yes, there's too much for us. for mr. roper. the only time he tries something french is when he gets a side order with his big mac. mrs. roper, i can't let you have that! why not? well, it's, uh... it's cold. oh, i'll heat it up in a jiffy. thanks, kids. sure. oh, what are we going to do no

and mrs. roper. hang on a second. y'all mind if i sit down here? did you change your mind about having dinner, mr. walsh? no. i'm just waiting for jack to hit me. what's all this hitting business? ignore him. enjoy your meal. go ahead and eat, stanley. i can't eat with a blind man watching me. ignore him. now, there we go. ah... and, mr. roper, uh... how about some nice wine? oh, my favorite wine. here, here, let me pour it for you. you don't have to do that. it's good practice for me. hey, hey, hey. ignore it. this isn't happening. but it's cold. oh, mr. roper... okay, jack, you going to hit me now, jack? food all right? mr. roper, you better take your pants off right away. what? takes more than a little wine to get stanley out of his pants. i-i want you to enjoy your meal now, okay? oh, jack, it's delicious. what are you folks having? lamp chops, my favorite. oh, really? i hate them. hey! hey! hey! ignore him. he just threw my lamb chop on the floor. let me find it for you. no, you don't have to. oh, no, no. it's my fault. i'll find it for you. ig

mrs. roper's mother was a dressmaker? ( chuckling ) yeah, you know, when mrs. roper married stanley her mother made all the bridesmaids' gowns for the wedding. all in black satin. that's nice. chrissy, is something wrong? oh, janet will you knock it off? the last thing i need is your third degree so just get off my back, okay? ( door shuts ) chrissy?! jack: oh, what a beautiful mornin' oh, what a beautiful day hwa!!! i've got... jack, are you decent? depends on what you got in mind. jack?! sure, come on in. hi. hi. isn't it a sensational day? i feel great, the sun is shining the birds are singing, surf's up. how was your night? oh, it was okay but i always find it hard sleeping in a strange bed. oh, me, too. so, what did you do? oh, nothing much. it was very quiet without you around. thank you. i mean it gave me a chance to get really close to chrissy. how close? i know a lot more about her now than i did before. when chrissy's had a little to drink she really loosens up. how loose? did you know she has a heart-shaped birthmark right on her...? yes, i did. and t

i wonder who could be sending flowers to mrs. roper. mrs. roper. she means that... i'm quite capable of explaining. oh, excuse me. i forgot. yeah, you're quite capable of anything, aren't you? jack, what do you mean by that? "what do you mean by that?" wait. hold it. what is it with you two? this is no way for friends to behave. well, i thought we were friends until i went to work for a friend and that friend puts me down in front of a friend. what? oh, no. oh... come on, jack. don't you think you're overreacting? moi? overreacting? overreacting? i never overreact. jack, we are friends here in the apartment... but not in the shop, huh? at the shop, it's business. and, of course, business is business. well, business is business. listen, maybe... chrissy, just mind your own business. jack! janet! oh... lot of times, being a teenager means living with labels. you know, like the ones other people give you. and the ones you give yourself. but what happens when you're labeled as someone you're t? "stop!" wearing a label you don't want... or find yourself labeling other pe

hi, mrs. roper. wait! hey, mrs. roper why don't you join me over here at the bar? that's okay, jack. we'll just sit over here. oh, no, this table is reserved. reserved? who for? huh? huh? uh... mr. roper could we talk to you for just a minute? it's very... would you move?! ...important. you have to excuse me for being so popular. all right, what's so important? um... well your wife was just here and she saw you. i think you better tell him again. yeah. mr. roper, your wife was just in here and she saw you with that girl. mr. roper, i... tell me that part again-- about how she came in and saw me. yeah, yeah. she saw you. the kissing and everything. oh, that's good! that's very good! well, listen, joanie there's something i want to tell you that i didn't tell you before but don't take it hard, huh, kid? no. i wouldn't lie about that. what a relief. there's no easy way to tell you so i'll just... i'll come right out with it but you got to promise me something: no tears. oh, i promise. it's all over between us. ( stifled laugh ): over... now, you promised. no tears. oh

you weren't down there with mr. roper. we weren't the only ones making noise. he was beating on the ceiling with a broom handle. just keep it down next time, okay. you know what mr. roper's like: he thinks queen victoria was a swinger. where's that wine? oh, hi. hi... hello. here it is, and hurry up. i'm really starving. what's that? oh, girlfriend spent the night here last night. girlfriend? look, look, honey... she looks dreadful without makeup, doesn't she? you tell mr. roper a man up there-- in woman's clothes? that's right, stanley. he was wearing a girl's dressing gown but he didn't fool me. are you sure it was a man, not a woman? they all look alike nowadays. not to me, they don't. peeping out. that doesn't prove anything. look at your mother. i don't care whether you believe me or not but it was a man. i wonder what game is going on up there. oh, probably something delightfully kinky that only three can play. i'm going up there and bounce him out right on his ear. it is small, but then, most of the time i'll be out here with you gals, chin-wagging. yes.

meanwhile, bring me the jacket tonight 'cause i want to surprise mrs. roper. mr. roper, i told you i would break it to chrissy tomorrow night. good, good.-- but i want the jacket tonight. no, i can't tell her about mrs. roper. she'll be too unhappy. look, we both have a problem. the only difference is, i am married to my problem. so you go upstairs and you get the jacket and you bring it down now. oh, jack, i just saw it! ( laughs ) the present you got for chrissy! it's gorgeous! oh, well, thanks... oh, just the jacket i wanted. and jack gets it for chrissy and my own husband is too... hold it, hold it... i got you one, helen. what? the same jacket. i wanted it to be a surprise. you'll get it tonight. oh, stanley... you're not cheap. thank you. but i don't want it. what? well, i did want it before chrissy got hers but, well, now it would look silly i mean, the two of us having the same jacket exactly alike. but thanks anyway, stanley. it was a sweet thought. ( sighs ) well... as the good book says-- "all's well that ends well." uh, that's shakespeare's play. well,

mrs. roper will be waiting to take him to the regal beagle where, surprise! mr. roper will just happen to be waiting for a telephone call from me telling him to come right back with jack. surprise! chrissy, when jack comes in, why don't you just say "let's me and you go for a walk on the beach" then keep him there half an hour and come back. yeah, that might work, too. ( laughter ) aren't you going to put a border on this cake? oh, yeah. huh! ( laughter ) ( doorbell rings ) mmm, not bad! now put some on the cake. no! no! ( laughter ) oh, hi. who did you want? i was looking for a man. who isn't? ( laughter ) i thought jack tripper lived here. oh, yeah, he does. oh, well, in that case will you tell him susan walters is here? oh, well, um, i would but, see, he's not here right now. but we expect him back soon. oh, good. i'll wait. ( laughter ) are you the cleaning lady? ( laughter ) no. i live here. and, uh, this here is my roommate, chrissy snow. oh, hi. hello, i'm susan walters. oh, i'm janet wood. susan is a friend of jack's. let me get this straight. you're all r

mr. roper about that leaky faucet. oh, thanks for reminding me. oh, hi. hi. happy un-birthda oh, jack, i've got to talk to you. first i want to tell you about my surprise. well, jack, this is important. what's more important than peter frampton? michael winthrop. what's he recorded? he's the guy i've been dating, remember? oh, yeah. michael "the gourmet" winthrop. don't talk about him like that. i happen to like him... and i've invited him here for dinner. dinner? you planning to send out? no. he's expecting me to cook. you! chrissy, you can't cook. don't you remember what happened i wanted to make sure that it was thoroughly mixed with the sauce. but you don't do that in a blender. you made us a spaghetti malted. well, i just thought it would be faster. the correct way is to mix the sauce in a bowl then pour it gently over the spaghetti. see, you just taught me how to make basghetti. now, if you could give me a few more hints... cooking is not hints. cooking is an art. it takes years to learn.

hi, mr. roper. is your wife in? her mouth is. jack! hi, mrs. roper. i got you that fresh oregano oh, jack, you're an angel! oh, hey, just one thing-- do... do i bread the veal before i saute it? no, just dredge it ever so lightly with a breath of double-sifted flour. i just love listening to girl talk. yes, well... i better be going. say, i noticed you took that "for sale" sign off your car outside. i called a used car dealer. he bought it over the phone just like that. without ever seeing it first? pros know a good thing when they hear it. you should have bought that car when i offered it to you a few weeks ago. i couldn't afford $750. is that the price you're getting for it? well, almost. what, 700? almost. almost nothing, he means. he's getting 200. only 200? i'll see you later. uh, don't forget to bring your knitting with you next time.

oh, mrs. roper... mrs. roper, i think you've hit on the answer for both of us. i have? yes. remember, we were talking we said we want to do something wild and crazy? yeah...? all right, let's go down to that nude beach and let's join the demonstration. come on, mrs. roper-- let's go down and prove that we're people, too! oh! janet, that's a terrific idea! is it? oh, yeah-- absolutely. all right. oh... what are you doing? i'm writing a note to stanley. why? if i'm going to do something behind his back, i want him let's go. oh, oh, oh! my glasses! glasses? i just thought you used those for driving. and for looking at seashells. huh? can i come in? ( sputtering ) thanks. wait a minute... i just want to use your phone. helen! i just want to call for a ride home. i was on the beach when the cops raided us. you were a demonstrator? uh-huh. in the... nude. shh. why do they always hassle us? all we want to do is just live our life without hang-ups just be open and truthful. i know what you mean. i'm the same way. hello, tom? can you pick me up? it's a long story. okay. bye. he'll on

mrs. roper's been nagging me about it. she's really going nuts since she's taken this flower arranging course. oh, and now she'd like some homegrown flowers to arrange? yeah. also, there could be a terrific lawn out there. once you've cleared it and got rid of the... what do you mean once we've cleared it? oh, i thought you'd volunteer for the job. why would we do that? let me put it this way-- who would get the most pleasure out of the garden? who would enjoy the exercise? not us. who can't afford a raise in the rent? mr. roper, there's a word for the sort of threat you just made. yeah, what's that? effective. good. good. then, you'll do it tomorrow. thank you. yeah. ( sighs ) well, good-bye weekend. that garden is right out of tarzan of the apes. it is a little overgrown. a little? chrissy, there are pockets of japanese in there who don't know the war is over. dear, you ought to be out in the garden helping the kids instead of in here fooling around with that homemade beer. don't scoff-- if this beer turns out all right

mr. roper... yes? before we let you buy your car back you ought to know there are a lot of things wrong with it. really? like what? tell him. ( clears throat ) well, uh, it needs brakes. okay. and shocks. okay. and a new water pump? a few bucks, that's all. well, that's it! no, jack! you forgot something. what? the transmission. well, is it a deal? it's a deal. okay... here's your money. okay. plus $100. but do me a favor-- don't tell mrs. roper about the hundred if she says anything to you just tell her that we made a very equitable split. whatever you say, mr. roper and thanks. you know, i-i misjudged you. you're really a pretty nice guy. as a matter of fact roper, i can't wait any longer. it's all right, i got the car back. did you give the kids a fair deal? we made a very... equitable split. stanley, i'm proud of you. some days, he's almost human. what? $1,200? wait a minute. you're not going to do this to me twice. this time we're going to haggle. it's not every day you come across a '57 chevy. '5

and mrs. roper. dinner's almost ready. we'll start on the salad. mr. roper, right over here. oh, my goodness the table looks just lovely. you sit right here. oh, thank you, jack. oh, isn't mr. walsh joining us? no. i'm waiting for jack to hit me. what? we were playing blackjack. i don't see any cards. no. they're in the kitchen. the kitchen. my lamb chops. i'll still be here, jack. say, jim, you know, i was just wondering if maybe you'd leave before you spoil jack's dinner party. yeah. can't you tell when you're not wanted? what kind of friend are you? you broads really... we're not broads. you ladies really look out for him. well, of course. we're roommates. roommates? it's not what you think. oh, yeah? look, i may be blind, but i'm not blind. no. stop. come on, jack, you going take a poke at me or not? what's he talking about? nothing. nothing. eat your salad before it gets cold. jack, listen, you're going to have to do something about jim. there's no way we can butter up roper with him in the way. i'm busy with dinner. can't you girls keep him occupied? i could show him ar

oh, hi, mr. roper. going out on a date? uh... ( clears throat ) mr. roper... uh, what can we do for you? well, it's about the garden. what garden? you mean that jungle out behind the garages? there's a terrific garden underneath all those weeds. i thought you kids should have use of it. for what, safaris? well, i'll tell you the truth. mrs. roper's been nagging me about it. she's really going nuts since she's taken this flower arranging course. oh, and now she'd like some homegrown flowers to arrange? yeah. also, there could be a terrific lawn out there. once you've cleared it and got rid of the... what do you mean once we've cleared it? oh, i thought you'd volunteer for the job. why would we do that? let me put it this way-- who would get the most pleasure out of the garden? you would. who would enjoy the exercise? not us. who can't afford a raise in the rent? mr. roper, there's a word for the sort of threat you just made. yeah, what's that? effective. good. good. thank you. yeah. ( sighs ) well, good-bye weekend. that garden is right out of tarzan of the ape

mr. roper's like: "i won't have any weirdos or hanky-panky in my house." he thinks queen victoria was a swinger. oh, hi. hi... hello. here it is, and hurry up. i'm really starving. what's that? oh, girlfriend spent the night here last night. girlfriend? look, look, honey... she looks dreadful without makeup, doesn't she? you tell mr. roper [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment. that's when the bad feelings started to go away. a man up there-- in woman's clothes? that's right, stanley. he was wearing a girl's dressing gown but he didn't fool me. are you sure it was a man, not a woman? they all look alike nowadays. not to me, they don't. besides, i could see some

oh, hi, mr. roper, mrs. roper. oh, jack. oh, hi, jack. what's up, jack? well, the water in our toilet tank, actually. yeah, it keeps filling up too high. sounds serious-- i'll look at it tonight. jack, please, can't it wait till tomorrow? please? whatever's convenient. hey, jim. listen, i would like a bottle of... pouilly-fuisse, '67-- slightly chilled but not frigid. sorry, jack. i just sold the last half bottle of pouilly-fuisse, '67. uh, then i'll have a beer-- '77. hi. hi. what's a nice girl like you doing in a nice place like this without a nice guy like me? waiting patiently. my name's jack. i'm veronica. so tell me, veronica. would you like to swing on a star carry moonbeams home in jar or would you rather be a mule? ( giggling ) i love multiple-choice questions. oh, you do, huh? jack, i have got to talk to you. chrissy, can you maybe... see...? oh, am i interrupting something? i hope so. oh. sorry. we can talk about it later when we get home, okay? home? oh, oh, chrissy, this is veronica. veronica, this is chrissy-- my sister. oh, of course. i sho

mrs. roper. oh, hey, janet said i could sleep here tonight. oh, yeah. hey, what was all that banging up here? oh, i wish i knew. all i know is that i don't know what's happening. i'm sleeping on the couch because janet and i aren't speaking. it's weird. downstairs we call it marriage. instead of on the couch? oh, no, dear, not at all. oh, chrissy chrissy, i forgot, i'm out of night cream. could i borrow yours? oh, gee, i'm sorry i don't put anything on my face when i go to bed. that's a terrible thing to say to someone my age. jack, no, i just can't. jack: will you stop saying no? i want you to do it. mrs. roper? oh, oh, chrissy... i-i... i don't think there's room for me in there. did janet say no? well, well, well... she has some nerve. mrs. roper, i pay my share of the rent and if my bed is going to be empty tonight i don't think you understand, chrissy. what, janet didn't say no? w.... well, yes, she... she did say no but, well, not to me. to who then? well, i don't know his name. i mean...

mr. roper about that leaky faucet. oh, thanks for reminding me. oh, hi. hi. happy un-birthday. oh, jack, i've got to talk to you. first i want to tell you about my surprise. well, jack, this is important. what's more important than peter frampton? michael winthrop. what's he recorded? he's the guy i've been dating, remember? oh, yeah. michael "the gourmet" winthrop. don't talk about him like that. i happen to like him... and i've invited him here for dinner. dinner? you planning to send out? no. he's expecting me to cook. you! chrissy, you can't cook. when you tried to make spaghetti? i wanted to make sure that it was thoroughly mixed with the sauce. but you don't do that in a blender. you made us a spaghetti malted. well, i just thought it would be faster. the correct way is to mix the sauce in a bowl then pour it gently over the spaghetti. see, you just taught me how to make basghetti. now, if you could give me a few more hints... cooking is not hints. cooking is an art. it takes years to lea

i'm as normal as mr. roper. don't spoil it. but you don't have to worry, mrs. roper there is nothing going on in our apartment. nothing. there's nothing going on in ours either. hello, mother. oh, i've never seen such traffic. hello, mother. and these l.a. cabs are terrible. they smell of pickled onions. hello, mother. my poor feet. oh, you've had the carpet cleaned. no, the walls just got dirtier. well, that's nice, dear. i'll fix you something to eat. oh, no thanks. i can't stay long. i have to catch the 10:45 bus back to fresno. wonderful! what? i mean, you look wonderful. how's father? oh, he's fine, dear, but he worries about you. we both worry about you living in this terrible town. are you sure you want to stay here with all the crimes and the muggings? oh, mother, it's not really... oh, i've read all about the wild parties and orgies. people running around without any clothes on. where would you read a thing like that? in your father's church magazine. mother, i wouldn't know an orgy if i fell over one. oh, try not to do that, dear. by the way, how are t

hi, mr. roper. he came up to, um... is it raining outside? no. oh. is something wrong with your face? oh! no, it's just a little eye shadow. do you like it? eye shadow? i-i'll show you the broken window. it's in my room. i'll find it myself. be my guest. hurry it up, chrissy. i got to go to the game with larry. i'm nearly finished. oh, i hope you like it, neil. ( doorbell ringing ) oh, chrissy, don't tear yourself apart. i'm sure your movie will deserve to be hidden away in the archives. thank you, jack. hi, jack. ready to go? i can't go to the game yet. i promised chrissy i'd watch her home movies. come on, the game starts in 15 minutes. i know. it won't take long. larry, this is chrissy's friend neil. hi. hi. neil collects old sprocket holes. okay, sit down. here we go. ( chrissy laughing ) here's janet going to the beach. oh, here's the part where janet loses the top of her bikini. well, it wasn't such a good shot, really. no, not really. well, how'd you like it? me? it was very, uh... very, uh... interesting. yeah, that's the word. it was... inte

oh, hi, mrs. roper. ( whispering ): oh, chrissy i'm sorry to bother you. ( whispering ): no bother, come on in. ( laughter ) hi, mrs. roper. ( whispering ): oh, hi, janet. listen, i was just wondering if you had a thermometer i could borrow. ( whispering ): i think jack has one. he's in the kitchen. he's in the kitchen with his cold? no, with his chicken. ( laughter ) oh, chrissy, i think the thermometer's in the bath... why are we all whispering? ( loudly ): because jack is so sick. what? yeah, i thought sure he'd be in bed. stanley says it's walking pneumonia. why aren't you in bed? it's easier to cook in the kitchen. come on, jack, come on. you do not have to be a hero. yeah, mrs. roper told us all about your terrible cold. my cold? yes, and chrissy and i are going to give you an alcohol rub, right away. ( nasally ): oh, my cold. oh, you poor thing. oh, janet, i'm so sick. it came upon me all of a sudden. oh, jack! oh, that settles it. i am going to break my date and i'm going to stay home with you t

actually, mrs. roper, it's kind of your fault. my fault? yeah. you told me lloyd cross was married but you didn't tell me he got divorced. divorced? all right... all right, chrissy, but suppose-- now, just suppose that it's not all work. i mean, what if he expects a little overtime? what will you do then? janet, i will burn that bridge when i come to it. because it's more fun that way. all the time that we've been going together lloyd has never even laid a finger on me. oh, chrissy, that doesn't mean anything. you remember jerry devucci. the first time that i went out with him all he did was shake my hand. the second time, a little peck on the cheek. third time, he said he wanted to get to know the real me. i said fine so he started to rip off my clothes. chrissy, about lloyd... one more word and i will stick this umbrella up your pants and open it. i was just wondering when you were leaving for the weekend. tomorrow morning. good. then you can take a ride with me in roper's car. i want you to tell me what you think of it. i don't know anything a

all right, here, mrs. roper... mr. roper. all right, i'll turn out the lights. stanley, take off that silly nose. ( laughter ) i did take it off. oh. okay, i'm opening the door right now. all: surprise! ah, you shouldn't have. ( snorts ) ( laughter ) get in here. all right, chrissy, all right. now, where is jack? he's still at the regal beagle. you mean, you weren't able to...? and he wouldn't even look at me. what'd you expect when you send a woman to do a man's job? ( laughter ) you mean, he's not even coming to his own birthday party? no. wait a minute. you mean, i blew two and half bucks for those paper plates for nothing? i could have gotten christmas leftovers for a buck and a quarter. no, am i cheap? no, i go all out. i get the expensive "happy birthday" ones. save your breath, stanley. i don't have any left. it's all in your balloons. ( doorbell rings ) i thought this was going to be such a fun evening. hi. oh, jack, it's so wonderful to see you! he's here! he's here! yeah, but he's still with her. stanley, turn... turn out the lights. everybody ready? o

we have this niece visiting us and mrs. roper and i were just wondering if it would be all right if she went out with you tonight. oh, you want me to go out with your niece? yeah, but you don't have to go anywhere where... you might bump into some of your friends. well, you could take her dancing. dancing? yeah, the way kids dance nowadays you don't even have to touch her. i'd be happy to take out your niece... wonderful. but i can't. it's janet's birthday. and i don't want to miss that. we got a cake... sorry. oh, well... could you put off the birthday till tomorrow? no. i'm sorry, but thanks for asking. i'm very flattered. yeah, i knew you would be. that's life. yeah. "of course... "i wouldn't want you to do anything against your religion." oh, you heard. of course we did. we were eavesdropping. jack, i think it was very noble of you to turn him down on my account. why not? i got a vision of what she'd look like. oh, yeah. imagine roper's face on a girl. imagine roper's body on a girl. well, i still think it was really nice of

why, it's mr. roper! look at mr. roper! it's mr. roper! hello. hi. how are you doing there? i'm fine, thank you. i just came here to tell you... would you like to step inside for just a moment? oh, thank you very much. thank you. like i was saying, i told the wife you know, they're really not bad kids what will we do about the rent? we can't avoid roper forever. what about that boss of yours-- that one who's always chasing you around? think you could get an advance out of him? only if i let him catch me. where's jack? he's in the bathroom. still? and they talk about women. he stays in that bathroom he has to shave. we have to put on our makeup. he reads in there. oh. he said it kills two birds with one stone. good morning. how you doing? do you have to walk around the house in your underwear? this is not underwear. it's my bathing suit. i ran out of clean shorts. oh. well in that case, it's all right. why wasn't it all right before? because before i thought it was your underwear. yeah, but it's still the same shorts. you can't tell the difference. i can. how? because your un

maybe if mrs. roper put it in the dryer? you ruined my sunday. i hope you realize that. mr. roper, we're really sorry. to make up for it why don't i buy you a beer down at the pub tonight? you're not going to the pub again tonight, are you? what? uh... i was thinking it would be so great to stay home tonight and relax. oh, i heard about you and that fella. he never should have picked on somebody like you. what's that supposed to mean? well, you could never get into a fight. you would ruin your nails. jack did the right thing. fighting is uncivilized. yeah. if women ran the world there would be none of these stupid wars. yeah. all the countries say, uh... mr. roper... yeah... tinker bell? no, i'm jack. my name is jack. jack. i'm sorry... jack. oh, stanley, listen... i was just telling all the girls here that if they need protection they know where to come. oh, yeah. look, stanley i finally got your dentist on the phone and he says he can take you right now. no, he says it's very simple. one quick yank...! ( screaming ) oh, now don't you... if you're good he'll probably give yo

how do you do, mrs. roper? we could use another witness. witness? to what? there's going to be a wedding. a wedding? well, who's getting married? you'll never guess. jack and janet. what? jack and janet! oh, that's wonderful! wait a minute-- are you crazy? janet can't marry jack. congratulations! oh! there isn't going to be any wedding! what? i beg your pardon? that's right, daddy. you're chrissy's father? yes, i am. stanley, why didn't you tell me that was chrissy's father? oh, i-i-i-i-i... i thought you knew. chrissy's, what's all this nonsense about no wedding? daddy, could you go in the kitchen and talk to me, please? can i stay? 'cause i don't know what's going on around here. let's go. and, jack, janet-- look, whatever your problems are i'm sure you can work them out. look at me and stanley. chrissy... you said you had something to tell me. yes... i do. um... would you mind? no. sure. jack... sit down, daddy. please? daddy... remember when i was a little girl and you told me say nothing but the truth? i remember. second chronicles 18:15. and you said t

mrs. roper? hi. yeah, he let out one big burp yeah, well, thank you. okay. good night. so, it was gas. either that or a sonic boom. oh, what a relief. yeah, that's what he said. well, that solves that. now there's only one more problem. looks like we're going to have to sleep here tonight. yeah. and there's only one bed, right? ( doorbell rings ) ( rings again ) all right! what?! hi. what happened last night? oh, you don't want to know about that, janet. jack, why didn't you guys come home last night? ( phone ringing ) hello? um, why did the two of you spend the night here? janet, janet, you're a woman of the world. no, i'm not. you would be if you spent the night here. what? oh, congratulations! okay, okay, bye-bye. that was pumpkin. how is she? her mother's coming over here right now. why? she had a girl! seven pounds, ten ounces. her mother? no. pumpkin. oh, wow, that's wonderful. why is her mother coming over? jerry had a concussion. how much does it weigh? chrissy, honey, what are you talking about? yes, more, please. jerry fainted during the birth and hit his head

oh, mrs. roper, this is peter van horn. our landlady. good. very good. ah, the skin you love to touch again... and again. ( chuckling ) ( breathless chuckle ) oh, janet, did you hear what he said? yes, again and again. well, i just had to see your la... uh, mrs. roper, listen-- wouldn't you like to stay and have a drink with us? oh, oh, oh... ( laughing ) janet, you're so polite. i know you two want to be alone. ( laughing ) no, i'll just go back to stanley. then i can be alone, too. well... chrissy... i can't hear myself drink. oh, jack, i'm so worried. maybe we should call janet and tell her how we feel. janet's okay, chrissy. peter's an old high school friend. he was the most popular guy in school. he was a four-letter man. yeah, they make a four-letter word. be nice, chrissy. oh, jack, do me a favor, please. come with me and call janet and just see how she is, okay? oh, chrissy, i can't do that. she'll think i'm spying on her. so, disguise your voice. oh, come on. oh, jack, oh, jack, please? for me? ( groans ) okay, come on. come, come! how should i

well, hello, mr. roper. you clipping your bush? so i am. very clever. hi, larry. oh, hi, janet. ooh, janet. are you going out? yeah. i'm going to the laundromat. oh, that's great. i mean, uh... have a great wash. well, thank you, larry. oh, sorry, lar. oh. you should be more careful. yeah. naked dreams? what's this? uh... it's just a... just a sort of movie. "movie"? yeah, well, you see they have this projector upstairs and... and you want to show this "sort of" a movie on it. hey! that's a fantastic idea! let me tell you something. as the landlord of this building it is my duty to make certain that any films shown in this building meet with my approval. oh. and so far, i approve of the title. oh! i suppose you could come up... i'll get my glasses. right. ( muttering ): glasses, glasses, glasses... glasses! where'd i... glasses... glasses... helen. helen, have you seen my... in your new hiding place. i don't have a hiding place because i have nothing to hide. i just put 'em someplace convenient. what were you doing on top of the wardrobe, anyway? cleaning up the dirt. helen, i'm

thank you, mrs. roper. anyway, we'll know better i'm finished. i've had it. one minute, i'm sound asleep in my bed. the next minute, i'm a picture on the post office wall. all right, take it easy. take it easy. all right, which one of you guys hit me? he's still a little dazed. well, it... it... it was me, officer. i'll go quietly. oh, i'm sure jack didn't mean to hurt you. he's not a violent person. i would have warned you if he was. thank you, sir. we need more people like you. you need him, you can have him. why did you hit me, sir? that was a terrible thing to do. i feel really badly that you did that to me. oh, god, i hurt his feelings, too. i just don't understand why. well, i can understand you not understanding but, you see, earlier tonight you made a very offensive remark to my friend chrissy, here. i can understand that. oh, boy, i'm glad. but i had already figured out i was mistaken about chrissy. that's why i'm here-- to apologize. thank k u. you're welcome. but then you hit me. officer, look, i'd like to apologize for hitting you. why don't we sh