captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) >> hefty presents, stephen cochela! (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen , stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: whooo! welcome to stevefest-ochella 012. like augustfest, are you ready to rock out with your nothing out? because it's a family friendly venue promoting traditional rock values. and of course exexcuse me, hold on. we are broadcasting live from the deck of the intrepid! we have beautiful news of did-- views of the new york city skyline. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and we are floating, right now we are floating, floating on the hudson river and i don't know whether you-- i don't know whether you heard the news this morning but it has been announced that as we speak the city of territown new york, just upstream is releasing 2 million gallons of raw sewage into the hudson river. yes. i know it's exciting. the only time there has been this much raw sewage at a music festival is at every music festiv

you think harry reid is a captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." (audience chanting "stephen") everyday! everyday! thank you so much! folks, i don't care what the calendar says, everyday is fourth of july in this studio. (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," thank you for joining us. nation, we're in week two of the olympic games and i cannot get enough of all of the sport. (laughter) whether it's throw-a-stick, free style neck vein or the man panty fancy fall. (laughter) this is the score report. (cheers and applause) >> the score report presents:. >> stephen: folks, as much as i enjoy nbc's olympic coverage, all they have is footage of the events and interviews with the athletes. for the real story, i always turn to fox news. (laughter) just the other day, america live host and fox news blond b-294 al son cam rot a and her guests blew the lid off a growing olympic scandal. >> there's a proud moment at

at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ i'm going down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faceswhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪ ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪ s! as you can clearly see from this attractive graph that our sales have increased by... sorry, my liege. honestly. our sales have increased by 20%. what is this mystical device i see before me? it's an ultrabook. he signed the purchase order. with an ultrabook, everything else seems old fashioned. introducing the ultra sleek, ultra responsive ultrabook. a whole new class of computers powered by intel.

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> this is 9 news tonight a prince george's county police officer facing second degree assault and eight other misdemeanor charges for supposedly trying to cover up a shooting. investigators say he lied about why his gun went off during an arrest six months ago, his claim unraveling because of surveillance footage of the crime scene. kristin fisher has more from hyattsville. respect you would think in this day in age that a police officer of all people would know that video cameras are everywhere, but it seems corporal donald taylor forgot that. these are the charging documents that essentially say taylor wonderfully arrested somebody, fired his weapon in -- wrongfully arrested somebody, fired his weapon in the middle of that arrest and lied about the whole thing. this happened in february in

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioningpplause ) hey, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. our guest tonight, oh, this is a treat. olympic gold medalist misty may-treanor here to talk about her recent tabloid breakup with let's say someone from "the hunger games." anyway, there was a great deal of interest online with robert pattinson because of that whole thing and kristen stewart. our ratings in the key demographic that advertisers use to select their kill list... (laughter). i'm sorry "preferred customers." was to use their terminology boffa. it made me realize that i had after seeing the ratings for the past almost 15 years been focused on doing a program about subjects that are... let me just show you the tweets from the first... (laughter). from the first 15 minutes of last night's show. son of a bitch. (laughter)

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ devil steal ♪ ♪ >> you're looking great. how guys doing? having a good time? >> how are you? >> how are you? >> what are youh [thinking] oh, my god. i can't believe i'm about to do this. what's wrong? i lost my mop. really? no! but that's the only thing that could make me unhappy, right? you people, you think of me as nothing but the janitor. that's not true. what's my name? uh, i know the nurses call you sir plunge-a-lot. i know. and, come on, i'm sure you don't know my name, so-- john michael dorian. how'd you know my middle name? because i care. j.d.: today seems like a good day to hide out

(boos) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> hefty prevents stephen coachella, the well. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: whoo! whoo! whoo! (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! welcome! welcome concert nation! (cheers and applause) day two of steve fest coachella ' 12 rock fest. i have a very important question for you heroes. do you continue to be ready to rock? (cheers and applause) good because tonight we have grizzly bear. (cheers and applause) which, for the record, is the only bears i would ever have on my show. just the same, please just the same please bag all of your trash and hang it from a tree otherwise they will rummage through it. not because they're bears but because they're an indy band and it's a very tough living. and as for every-- every-- coachella fest is our d.j. grand master flash! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ooh, flash. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: flash, you know those beat

up to $100 at hotels.com captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "report," every captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is it is "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a show for you tonight, including a visit from an exciting new, fresh, young, comedian, christopher rock. ( laughter ). i expect big things from him. let's begin tonight with america, folks. these are troubled times. in this majestic land. ( laughter ) but there is one problem in our great country which stands out, perhaps above all others-- voter fraud. how big of a problem? do we know how big a problem it is? >> jon: i'm going to say it's bigger than ringworm. ( laughter ). and less than bieber fever. ( laughter ) actually, i didn't even know we had a voter fraud problem in this country. >> we have a voter fraud prob

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioningplause ) >> jon: welcome to the daily show. thank you for joining us. yes, oh, we're excited to welcome this gentleman back, our guest tonight rob corddry is joining us. (cheers and applause) >> that man, and i don't mind saying it this, that man is easily in my top two favorite corddry's who has ever worked here. (laughter) hey, you're a regular watcher of this program. you may have noticed one, i recently had a breast reduction. (laughter) (cheers and applause) they are real and they are-- and two, we've got a presidential election coming up. america's demographics have changed dramatically in the past two decade there are two ways a political party can react to that you can either expand your appeal to a new field of voters by making their issues your issues. well, or -- >> can they pass the voter ohio law, loy loy, pennsylvania. >> gorge gra, quind end rnld kansas, are allowed to require photo i.d.. >> it disproportionately affects democratic voters. >> these laws disproportionatel

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >>> ohngry black preacher" to repent. i show you the best way to blow off steam at work. and i burn 1,500 books. now let's go back and watch his face stick the landing. >> oh! >> thanks, bp. because of you, kids are now forced to dive head-first into dry sand. alright, buddy. catch your breath. maybe play some pro

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> ohh, oh! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> daniel: that's why you should always hug trees at the base. [laughing] >> daniel: welcome to tosh.o. as most of you know i'm a big duke lacrosse fan. always have have been. tonight we magically pull another redemption out of our ass. i give you something worst than penny's for halloween and i show videos of you assaulting each other now let's see why you shouldn't climb trees ar trees r puberty. >> ahh! >> what happened? >> daniel: where do i begin. he didn't hreus then school. had sex in the back of a sweet camero with a girl named dawn. now he has a second job cutting down trees that's what happened. >> oh my god! >> daniel: sorry i can't call 911, i have no service. can you climb back up there to see if we can get a signal? sounds like he's having a mind blowing orgasm. what did you land on? what are the odds, huh. [laughing] >> daniel: al qaeda has been ar

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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org from comedy >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. a lot to cover. we're going to get right to it. first of all, the olympics, the games ended yesterday. huge success three ways. one, the games were exciting, emotional, compelling and very well executed by the host city. number two, britain got to do what everyone has wanted to do: drive the spice girls off a cliff thelma and louise style. slow down. she's just a baby. robert pattinson is our guest tonight ( cheers and applause ) obviously a great deal of interest in what he will say about the olympics. i think there might be a lot of people watching this show for the first time. so, let me assure you

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ryan stack the granny 19 captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: woo! ba-boom! ba-boom! [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> welcome to the report begun everybody. please. thank you for joining ounce this beautiful evening. if you are a longtime viewer of this show you know i warned you about the dangers of secret muslims lurking all around us. i'm on to you al-obama. that why i admire minnesota congresswoman and amateur hip know tift michele bachmann for her brave attempt to root out muslim extremists from our government. this past june, she and along with fellow republicans, a group often referred to as the mensa of congress -- [ laughter ] -- sent a letter to the executive branch alleging that recent executive governmental decision appeared to be a result of influence operations conducted by individuals associated with the muslim brotherhood. in other words: muslims have infiltrating our government. did you know that the cafeteria serves cre

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - ♪ i'my faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [mumbling] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

the show every morning car captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org steefnlt tonight a chicken sandwich tears the nation apart which is still better than what is done to the chicken. had of laugh then, a congressman takes a surprising stance on animal rights. there's nowhere in the constitution that says a dog can't play basketball. my guest is legendary folk singer pete seege rirks. i have a hammer and i'm going to nail him in the evening. jenna jamison has endorsed mitt romney for president. well, she is a job creator. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report". ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: i think -- [cheers and applause] thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. by that burst of energy you've proven that in mid august enough air conditioning is a form of methamphetamine. [cheers and applause]

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ two.ooshing, brakes squeaking) (chuckling) (trilling, explosion) (engine revving, peeling off) (gunfire) it's over eight million bucks. that's a lot of deniros. (engine revving) oh, this 'a berry berry bad! earth's boring. i'll save us. let's go visit my parents at their fabulous casino in mars vegas. (all voicing assent) take that, earth!

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheersnd applause] >> and today 116 years later we are holding a convention to nominate a republican woman governor, sarah palin, our next vice president. [♪](/ >> tonight. what happens when a war hero has to save the country that he loves? from a mess he helped create. >> come with me if you want to live. >> it is the the 2008 republican national convention restoring honor and dignity to the white house. [ cheering and applause ] ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: thank you very much. [ cheering and applause ] >> jon: thank you very much. pleasure to be here. welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. this is -- [ applause ] >> jon: not sure what that man said, but i appreciate it. [ laughter ] >> jon: this is the penultimate day of our coverage of the republican national convention here in st. paul, minnesota. the republican national convention in st. paul, minnesota brought to you by mace. [ laughter ] >> jon: mace [ laugh

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wg ♪ ♪ ( laughter> i think i can get america back from those who want to change this country. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you. folks, folks, it is thursday, the third and final and also fourth night of the republican national convention. tonight, are mitt romney officially accepts the nomination. >> i haven't seen his, i haven't seen his acceptance speech, but i know it was electric, or at least static electric. he is going to have to be good because last night was a barn burner and not just because the gop wants to cut funding to fire departments. they had, last night they had minority speakers, a bunch of them. whatever, whatever a group of minorities is called. a like a pride? a gaggle? a token. a token of minorities. folks, this is great, because romney is having a tough time attracting certain minorities. >> in the latest nbc wall street journal poll he is literally zero percent with african americans. the president is getting 94.0 s

captioning sponsored by cbs and paramount network television captioned by media access group at wgbhess.wgbh.org >> smith: if you love apples and other fruits as much as i do, you're gonna love this show. hi. i'm allen smith. welcome to the show. you may be wondering what i'm up to. well, i'm over my head in apples -- apple trees, that is. you see, this is a young crop of honeycrisp apple trees, one of my favorites. we'll learn about a couple of varieties of raspberries i have growing at the farm and make this fantastic rustic blackberry cobbler. you'll love it. i also want to show you how i use gourds and apples in my kitchen, plus introduce you to my new orchard at the farm. there's so much to cover, but first we need to take a quick break, and when we return, we'll talk about apples, so stay tuned. proven winners plants can withstand your spring and summer weather. proven winners -- the #1 plant brand. proven winners -- the #1 plant brand. visit provenwinners.com. >> smith: so, bill, you know, years ago, if you went to somebody's house or a small farm, everybody had fruit trees. i

(boos) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) pepsi presents: pepsi presents: stephest colbchella '012: rocktaugustfest. ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome! welcome! avast, ye swabs! welcome to night three of pepsi presents: stephest colbchella '012: rocktaugustfest! (cheers and applause) oh, my friends, oh, my friends, it's been a great first two days but tonight, tonight, santigold! (cheers and applause) right now i'd like to take a moment, a very important moment to thank the people who made this possible. if by people you mean corporations-- and i usually do. (cheers and applause) the good people at pepsi. now, i know that... anybody want to throw me a pepsi? (cheers and applause) (laughter) now, i know... now i know the suits and the squares out there don't want to hear this sort of talk, but i enjoy the products marketed by the global snack beverage company pepsico. (cheers and applause) suck on that, the man. (crowd chanting "pep

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org - she'sad maybe ten minutes. - like head chopped off. - no, she died of, like, natural causes. - i'd do it, man. she was cute as hell in commando. i'd show her who's the boss. poison her ivy. - whoa. something's up. - guys, we've been boiler roomed. telamericorp was just a shell of a company. alice probably felt some heat from the feds, right? so she packed up in the middle of the night. that makes me vin diesel. - ooh, i'm giovanni ribisi. - oh, i'm like a scott cann- jamie kennedy combo doggie then. - jamie kennedy, maybe. i feel that experience. [cell phone rings] - hello? [whispers] it's alice. okay, let's talk. what's the vig to get in on your game? - why aren't you here yet? [snaps fingers] - why aren't we where yet? - oh, christ, you're at the old offices, aren't you? we moved offices over the weekend. it's all i've talked about for weeks. - guys, we moved offices. - oh, yeah, i totally forgot. - yeah, um, alice... - oh, wait, wait, let me-- hey, alice, so we're done with the old offic

for "the report," everybcaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. boom! my name is jon stewart. we got one for you tonight. rashida jones is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) you think i'm lying. i'm not lying. folks continuation has begun. the first triple x olympics. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'm being told that's the 30th olympics. (laughter) you sure it's not triple x. have you seen the beach volleyball? you have seen it? someone has sand in their butt. (laughter) you remember the beijing opening ceremonies, where a tribute to what monolithic state control can accomplish. like the summoning of a thousand, 100,000 drummers to beat out, we will defeat new synchronized morse code. well, the london olympics seize your autocratic perfection and raises you the power of freedom. from giant ghost babies to a tribute to the flying bicycle, from kenneth branagh's smug approval to mr. bean's devastat

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheersnd applause) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "report," everyb (male announcer) from new york city, comedy central presents:

captioning sponsored by wpbt captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> join us anytime at nbr.com. there, you'll find full episodes of the program, complete show transcripts and all the market stats. also follows us on our facebook page at bizrpt. and on twitter @bizrpt.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheersnd applause) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "report," everyb captioning sponsored by mtv television networks ( slurping ) people, we got a problem. little nibbler's been coughing up hair balls. well, so has fry. what's the big deal? ( hacking cough ) ( sniffing ) ( whistles ) he's got me beat. now, we all love nibbler, so it's only fair that we all pitch in and clean it up together. still, i propose we make zoidberg do it. all in favor? yeah! okay! all opposed? all abstaining? dr. zoidberg? are you okay? he's dead. ( gasping ) he always seemed so full of life. laughing, singing, begging for scraps. and now this. ( crying ) why with all the crying? so that's where i left my shell. i didn't know you could take this thing off. i was starting to get a little cramped in there so i molted, why not? ah, the fresh air feels good. stop doing that! so long! i'm off to toss this old shell in the dumpster and maybe pick up those potato chips amy didn't finish yesterday. those were toenail cli

.>> that's i" everybcaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ) - what? - hey, mrs. reynolds. what do you want? uh, frank sent me over to pick up his toupee. - his toupee? - yup. what does he need his toupee for? i think he has a date or something. frank has a date? yeah, i guess. well, he can't have it, it's mine. you own his hair? all right, fine. it's in a box in the hallway. i was going to throw it away, anyway. so, i'm really sorry about this, i know it's probably a tough time for you. divorce is a... tricky thing. oh! i found it! i got the hair now! found the hair. so... i guess i'll just, uh, see myself out. right. thank you for the hair. oh, no.

camera shutters clicking ] ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbhwgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "report," everyb captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is it is "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a show for you tonight, including a visit from an exciting new, fresh, young, comedian, christopher rock. ( laughter ). i expect big things from him. let's begin tonight with america, folks. these are troubled times. in this majestic land. ( laughter ) but there is one problem in our great country which stands out, perhaps above all others-- v

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheerspplause) >> stephen: well, that's it for the "report," every charlie: ay-oh! ( door slams ) mac: what is up, bitches? sweet dee: well, i'm trying to revamp my myspace page. this guy's been trying to contact me for, like, two weeks now, and i've just been blowing him off, but he's saying that he's our dad. awesome. crazy person. let me see. no, not awesome because look at the pictures he's sending. oh! oh, look at that! - see? - that's your mom, dude. there's, like, there's, like, a ton of pictures of this guy and your mom. you know, he does kind of look like you, dennis. look, don't jump to any conclusions here. this is some bull(bleep). so you guys have two dads and i don't even have one. yeah, that is bull(bleep). we don't even have one. what are you talking about? you have a father. yeah, but he's in prison, charlie, and he's been there my whole life. - it doesn't count. - that does count. - i never met my father. - take it easy, all right? this guy's not our dad. i don't know. this

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org facts. a candidate too successful for taxes. a city famous for its... i wanna say golf courses. from tampa, florida, this is the republican national convention: the road to jeb bush, 2016. (cheers and applause) >> jon: hey! what is happening? welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. boom, boom, boom. day two. it is day two for us here in... beautiful tampa. (cheers and applause) you would not believe how insecure these people are. (laughter) our guest tonight, former presidential candidate mr. herman cain will be joining us! last night was a very complicated night for the cable networks, but they did manage to successfully mount full team coverage of night one of the republican convention while same-sex couplely airing copious amounts of hurricane porn from your standard guy outside in the rain to women in rain burkas standing under the gutter of damocles to guy about to be sucked out to the sea. (laughter) to reporters so drenched they transform into water creatures. (cheers and

everybcaptioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org.al presents"... [ cheers and applause ]