willona? yeah? you okay, willona? willona, you all right? i want another "cof" of "coofee." another -- willona? coofee. coffee. coofee. lord... i'm afraid i'm gonna need a little help down here -- nothing fancy, no frills, strictly economy-class. but, lord, i want you to help me [ thud ] now, lord, i know you work in strange and mysterious ways, but i never knew you worked that fast. [ thud ] who's out there?! donald: who's out there?! aunt florida, is he a heavenly messenger? no, stupid. he's either ernest or julio. the name is donald, and you've been disturbing my beauty rest all day. what are you doing here? i should ask you what you were doing in my townhouse. our school bus got stuck in the snow. man, i'm freezing. your place sure is cold. [ scoffs ] not when you carry your own antifreeze. have some? we're not quite ready for that yet. well, i am. [ coughing ] you got a match? match?! don't you know what the surgeon general said about smoking? [ coughing ] you see what i -- [coughing] -- mean? gee, that's the worst smoker's cough i've ever heard. yeah. [ coughing ] and

willona, willona... those pills look funny. ma, that ain't the only funny thing that's going on around here. you know sugarfoot? he's here with two of his girls. wait, wait, wait, wait a minute now. drugs, hustlers. now, jeffrey said these were his friends. where'd he grow up -- on death row? i don't know, but i'm gonna find out. will you move your foot?! jeffrey... hey, baby. jeffrey, what kind of party is this? i told you, baby, a coming-out party. coming out of what -- a straitjacket? jeffrey, there are people here who don't know who they are, let alone where they are. and that guy worm -- he's got enough drugs on him to turn on mt. rushmore. willona, willona, relax, baby. i can explain that. explain. he doesn't want this to get out -- but i'm afraid he has a little allergy. what's he allergic to -- waking up straight? you see, baby, you're getting excited again. oh, i'm sorry if i'm getting excited, my darling, but i'm not used to being a hostess to a chain gang! baby, i can explain. don't explain nothing to me! you can't s

willona, this time i am sure of it. that child has a hearing problem. he don't even respond when you call his name unless he's looking right at you. how about when i broke the plate? he didn't hear that. so, it still don't mean he ain't slow. he beat michael at checkers. where's the little genius? they're all back there in thelma's room, waiting for his mother. hi. hey, baby. florida: hi. aunt flo, did larry's mother come over yet? i'm afraid not, penny. flo, don't worry. if push comes to shove, larry can stay at my place for the night. [ imitating mae west ] well...there goes my reputation. i did not mean he was going to spend the night in your room, mrs. smart-mouth. besides, penny, he's only 10 years old. jailbait. i don't know... hey, where's my suitcase at? i was just saying goodbye to some friends. who? debbie, cathy, carol, sue -- stop, j.j. that's what all my girls say, also. mrs. evans, can i have a drink of water? oh, sure, sweetheart. larry, this is my friend willona and her daughter, penny. hi. hi. larry? [ loudly ] larry? huh? did you finis

not exactly, willona. from this fertile imagination springs forth another character -- one more dynamic and flamboyant than dynoman. 'cause if you dug dynoman, you can definitely dig... dyno woman! oh, my goodness. that's thelma! um... j.j., after all these years, you have been calling me ugly. and you did not even tell me you were gonna put my face on your cartoon-strip character. now, i think that's pretty... pretty fantastic. j.j., i love you. i love you, too, catfish face. oh, j.j. j.j., we always knew you'd make it. yeah, and i knew him when he was a nobody. [ laughs ] well, ma, now i'm moving up, and i'm moving out. i'm getting my own pad. but, j.j., why? well, there's three good reasons, ma -- joanne, judy, and boom-boom. okay, j.j., now for my anniversary gift. thelma, mama, now, you all have been probably wondering what i've been doing with my spare time, why i've been acting so strange. no. not at all. actually, i was in training. you joined the army? no, penny. in training with the chicago bears

did willona drop by with the want ads? she said she was gonna pick up the paper on her way home from the boutique. what kind of job are you looking for? well, i'd like something challenging, yet secure, demanding, yet rewarding, dynamic, yet fulfilling. pounding the pavement, pounding the pavement. couldn't find a job, huh, j.j.? thelma, it's like asking for room service in johannesburg. i'll tell you, boy, the way i feel today, as tired as i am, a team of wild las vegas showgirls couldn't drive me out of this seat. well, i'll go start dinner, okay? on second thought... there may be some night work that i can look for. well, i'll change my clothes first. that's right, thelma, 'cause those panty hose look better in the egg. j.j., your body could fit into that egg. all right. hey, ma, about this job situation... ...uh, don't you think you should forget about it and take it easy for a while? oh, now, j.j., you know me. when it comes to dng nothing, i say nothing doing. flo, how are y'all? ooh. girl, have i got news for you. w

but, willona, you shouldn't have spent the money. what money? i got the bowl wholesale, and ozzie cost -- what? -- 35 cents, and harriet cost 50 cents. 'cause ozzie just swims around the bowl. harriet lays the eggs. hi, thelma. hey, willona. whoo, you really got everybody working, haven't you? got to get it together. well, i'm glad to see the house looking so good 'cause i got news for you. what? the judging committee is coming around this afternoon. this afternoon? are you sure of that? mm-hmm. uh-oh. i almost forgot. here is some food for the fishes. good. when you feed them, florida, make sure you give more to harriet. why? the man at the fish store said she was pregnant. she may be eating for 46. goodbye, fishes. see you all later. okay, willona. and thanks again. all right. good luck. thank you. you know something? you're all too much for me. how are you supposed to know which one is harriet? if one of them gets up in the middle of the night and wants chocolate crackers and sauerkraut, that's harriet. your loaf could use another 10 minutes,

willona, whoo-whee! it's a wonder you ain't in jail 'cause you certainly are dressed to kill this morning. sinking his teeth into you, huh? well, honey, get ready to bite me again. i made something nice for you. looky here. no, no, no, no, don't tell me. don't tell me. no, it can't be. not my favorite, not those delicious blueberry muffins! that's right. lord have mercy. good-looking and good cooking. what you trying to do -- throw betty crocker out on her buns? hmm. either he's got a twin in that bathroom or we're in "the twilight zone." yeah, yeah, these will be great to graze on while me and j.j. go job hunting. job hunting? but you said that we were gonna -- come on, man, there's a whole new world out there for us. but -- [ imitating rhett butler] and one day, scarlett, all this will be yours -- tara, the plantation, the river... the dam. no, wait. frankly, scarlett, i won't give a "dam." [ laughs ] [ telephone rings ] hello? keith? hey, i told donna summer not to call me here. hello? willona, if you

you, willona. i meant you. me, noisy? "second gear squeaks, especially when that dude stands there wearing nothing at all." if my dispatcher reads this, i'll have a lot of explaining to do. that ain't nothing compared to the explaining mrs. gardner's gonna have to do. if i didn't hate gossip so much -- what?! flo. flo, come here. come here. come here. come here. what is it? do you smell it? [ sniffs ] yeah. something smells like ham...burning. maybe somebody set fire to howard cosell. ma, what's that smell? i don't know, thelma. it's going all through the house. maybe the garbage men are on strike. in this neighborhood? how could you tell? it doesn't even smell like this neighborhood. i am the sunshine of my life that is why the women hang around me i feel that this is the beginning it smells more like the ending. look here, catfish-face. i'll have you know this is not a smell. this is an aroma, a wafting fragrance. half a million brothers in chicago. some sing. some dance. this one's wafting. that's a new cologne, isn't

hi, i'm willona. fly me. fly me straight to the kitchen, pour me a cup of coffee, and make it like i like my men -- hot, black, and strong. willona, don't you ever come in without making a joke? no. 5'1", 250 pounds, bald-headed, with 8 pair of hands... all working at the same time. one of them, huh? whoo. well, at least you had a night out. where did he take you? to see "the day of the dolphin." do you know what it's like watching a dolphin while you're trying to fight off an octopus? your old man not home yet? no. which one of his three underpaid jobs is he working overtime on? he had to take off from work this afternoon and go down to the internal revenue. they gonna audit him. thanks, baby. audit him? what for? they disallow him the use of his yacht for business? i don't know what's going on. they said in the letter that they claim he owes them $110. you got to be kidding. mm-hmm. i wonder what kind of deduction he put on his return? "took israel to lunch." hi, willona. hi. what you got there? this is "bl

i'm willona, a friend of the family's. well, any friend of this family is a particular friend of mine. mmm. i'm delighted to meet you, willona. [ hums u.s. army anthem ] whoo, honey. you are smooth. you know what, reverend? you got your thing so together, i almost sent you a dollar once. they come from the lord. this dollar came from the devil. it was alimony money. [ laughs ] you're divorced? yes, but not desperate. florida, check out my new hat i got on sale. whoo, girl, you will not believe who walked into the boutique shop this afternoon. who? who?! izzie mae patterson. the woman who has the weight-watching place? the one who's always bragging about a perfect size 8? mm-hmm. well, now she's a perfect size 14. because of her diet? no. because of her husband. oh, no. [ laughter ] i don't know, sam. i got a job now, and it pays pretty good. you think you can beat $2.50 an hour? $100 a day? i mean $100 a day, seven days a week. that's $700 a week! what's wrong, honest james? not enough? no, i didn't mean it like that. it's

oh, shut up, willona. father and son, huh? they look more like a couple of sailors on weekend passes. well, i got to get ready for my date. look here, junior. if you're making time in the hallway, don't lean up against no doorbells. [ laughter ] dy-no-mite! well, that's a fine way to raise your son, james. what you planning for him next, well, i hate to give up my ringside seat, but i am totally disgusted by this whole discussion on "sexual behavior in the ghetto." well, let me relieve you of your embarrassment. now, james, about j.j. and this. oh, baby, you getting upset about nothing. nothing? you call this kind of trash nothing? that's right, nothing. it's perfectly normal for a kid his age, and it ain't a filthy piece of trash. i'm surprised at you for being so old-fashioned. old-fashioned? mm-hmm. hi, daddy. hey, baby. mama, where'd you find that? i've been looking all over for it. yours, thelma? yes. that's yours? yes. well, young lady, you set down here right now! right now, i mean it! reading this filthy piece of trash

oh, now, come on, willona. helping out a criminal makes you an accessory to every crime he commits in the future. this is the rottenest thing i've ever seen you do. now, forgive my expression, but it really is a black day in the evans family. willona, it's not that serious. i've seen nothing worse. [ chuckles ] i just changed my mind. look what just crawled out of the woodwork. somebody step on it. mmm-mmm-mmm. where did you come from, sugar? look, man, why don't you go back where you belong? oh, keith, don't worry. i can handle this little chocolate-covered mickey rooney. you're lucky i can take a joke. [ chuckles ] hey, you know what? you're my kind of woman. ooh, you know what? you half my kind of man. hey, you know, when i said i could take a joke, i meant one joke. now, i got business with j.j., and it's private, so everybody out! you want me to tell you the truth? mm-hmm. well [sniffles] you see, i never told anybody this, but i just hate to get emotional in front of a crowd. so, please... [ sobs ] out! o

willona, i'm lucky that i'm not creased. running through the ghetto with a dress is not exactly easy. i had a wino wink at me, i had a construction worker whistle at me, and some guy asked me to go to a dance. why didn't you go? hey, t.c., my main man. what's happening, bro? hi, j.j. j.j., i heard you broke up with boom-boom belinda last night. uh, uh, it's not gonna be easy to get another date for the dance. no big deal, thelma. all i got to do is pick up the phone, make one quick call, and with my reputation, j.j., and when they do get a look at you, they'll break down the walls to get away from you. oh, yeah? i'm gonna make one girl real happy tonight. yeah? yeah -- what i'm gonna do is go get my little black book and let my fingers do the walking through the yellow pages of l-u-v -- love! t.c., you better do something. what? take the initiative -- ask him out for a date. well, i don't know. hey, look, this is the age of the liberated woman. i mean, i always enjoy it when a girl comes on to me. before you were married, ri

they went to the movies, willona. well, honey, if those two are up to their usual tricks, even the "eyes of laura mars" will be looking at them. [ laughs ] listen, tell thelma that the new french bikinis came into the boutique this afternoon, honey. whoo! 60% off. that's not off the price, honey. that's off the bikini. [ laughs ] i swear, i was born wearing more than that. i'll catch you later. honey, take your money, the jive...so-and-so. hi, willona. [ sniffing ] ooh, ma, that food smells good. when are we gonna eat? as soon as somebody sets the table. i will. what are we having? spaghetti, earl. oh, i love spaghetti. so do i, but it always goes to my hips. gee, i never noticed. you're just as big on top. i-i-i mean, you're built real solid. i mean... you know what i mean? earl, don't your parents ever say anything about you always eating over here? well, my parents are divorced. so you live with your father? yeah, i guess he lost the custody fight. but he doesn't mind me eating here. i told him i feel right at home