>> how did i do. >> stephen: you did fine. >> stephen: am i in the navy now?is part of the top gun training? this one, it can fire missile. >> rockets, machine guns, there's a gatling gun right here. >> stephen: okay. but the thing that really scared the enemy would be the cartoon shark teeth? >> oh, that scared the hell out of them. >> stephen: would the vietcong look up and go "why is that shark flying?" (laughter) now, marine know, the "intrepid" has always been this size? >> the "intrepid" has changed from this size. >> stephen: i saw the model down stairs, it was very small. >> there's one that's to scale, i think it's 1/40th. >> stephen: i like the 1-1 scale. this is how big it was. marie know, as a veteran who served on the "intrepid" i'm requesting permission to rock the boat. >> permission granted. (horn honks) >> stephen: and rock it we did! ♪ new york, new york, it's a wonderful town ♪ the bronx is up and the battery's town ♪ the people ride in a hole in the ground ♪ new york, new york, it's a wonderful town ♪ (cheers and applause) (cheers and appla

to your muslim brethren stephen is cool. >> stephen is cool. >> stephen: thank you. michele bachmann has called for inspections into how far muslims have infiltrated the united states government. how much infiltration into the government? >> none at all. >> stephen: are you a muslim? >> yes, sir. >> stephen: do you have siblings. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: you are a muslim brother. >> i guess. >> stephen: you realize i caught you in a lie. >> that's a whole other organization in egypt. i don't have anything to do with that. >> stephen: i assume you fully support the investigation. >> i only support investigations where there's some factual basis for the investigation. >> stephen: you don't know if there's anything to support it until you do the investigation. >> i asked her what she had. >> stephen: what did she say? >> she dame up with nothing. >> stephen: maybe you frightened her. maybe -- no offense -- you are a muslim and if she told you you might tell your ready call buddies. >> but the problem is there's no imrais for the investigation in the first place. >> step

>> no. >> stephen: glint? >> no. >> stephen: got got. >> it's a drug that has been highly toxic. >> stephen: tarzan, billy crystal. >> usually devastating consequences. >> stephen: dr. ice's tooth loosenering meth meth am fete m? >> no way we want to shut down the meth labs. >> stephen: let's change the subject. and higher -- and higher -- anheuser-busch is in your direct. >> we're proud of brewery that is there but they are large proponents of responsible drinking. >> stephen: you want to chug a bud with me? do you want to hit it? shall we? okay. can cheers to the first or third. cheers. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you are a light weight. congressman thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me today. good luck with the third or the first or the fourth pet them together. jim let's put missouri's first up on the big board. oh, looks like monsanto just developed exploding corn. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you very much. [cheers and applause] welcome back, everybody. nation,

stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen!en, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, pleasure to have you with us. welcome to the report. you guys over there, nation, the london olympics are finally under way. i tell threw is nothing like the thrill of seeing team u.s.a. triumph in an internethead line and then waiting to see it confirmed on nbc seven hours later. i mean the suspense. did the cameras capture what happened? did my cable go out? this is the sp sport report. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> the sport report presents stephen-- coverage 012. >> stephen: folks there is one thing i have never understood about the olympics. for some reason they open the games with the halftime show. (laughter) i think it's metric. i don't know. well, after the chilling onslaught of the beijing opening ceremony, london had a tough act to follow. would the british people be as willing to spend their lives living in tiny boxes? (laughter) the director of the ceremony academy

(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: whooo! welcome to stevefest-ochella 012. like augustfest, are you ready to rock out with your nothing out? because it's a family friendly venue promoting traditional rock values. and of course exexcuse me, hold on. we are broadcasting live from the deck of the intrepid! we have beautiful news of did-- views of the new york city skyline. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and we are floating, right now we are floating, floating on the hudson river and i don't know whether you-- i don't know whether you heard the news this morning but it has been announced that as we speak the city of territown new york, just upstream is releasing 2 million gallons of raw sewage into the hudson river. yes. i know it's exciting. the only time there has been this much raw sewage at a music festival is at every music festival anyway, this is a naval vessel, i'm wearing my admiral uniform. you like my tassles? (cheers and applause) thank you. of course nothing says rock 'n' roll like corporate endorsements. which b

>> eric. >> stephen: what it is, eric. >> word to your mother, stephen. >> stephen: thank you, thanki will give that to her. all right. and oh, look, look way up there. there is a black woman. tell me your name, miss. >> eric a. >> stephen: eric a? are you sure it is not more different than that? >> tyler perry's erica. >> stephen: well, anyway, welcome to all of you african-americans here tonight. let's give them a hand for being black. of course, multicultural, of course the real star of the evening was vice presidential american paul ryan. who delivered the speech of a lifetime. it not only brought the audience to its feet but also finally earned him that public speaking merit badge. he made eagle scout! force forms. but, folks, it is no surprise, he was able to relate to the young people. >> we are a full generation apart. governor romney and i. in some ways, we are different. there are the songs on his ipod, which i have heard on the campaign bus and i have heard it on many hotel elevators. >> my play list starts with ac/dc and ends with zeppelin. >> stephen: who whoo! aaahh! >>

>> sure. >> stephen: oh, conchita. >> well done. >> stephen: a noble steed.eed an ice pack for my thigh please. michael, thank you so much for the experience of a lifetime. >> my pleasurement my pleasure. >> stephen: hopefully today we have proven that dressage is the sport of joe six pack or at the very least joe tiara. to refalca. >> and team u.s.a. [cheering and applause] >> what is this, korbel? ♪ aruba, jamaica ooh i want to take you to ♪ bermuda, bahama come on pretty mama ♪ key largo, montego baby why don't we go ♪ down to c kokomo. we'll get there faster and take i slow ♪ that's where we want togo >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, if you watch this show on a regular basis, you know that i am a big player in the music biz. by the biz, of course i mean the industry. i got a grammy, a christmas special with an all-star rock 'n' roll cast, and i've had michael stipe on my book shelf for almost nine months. how is it going over there, michael? >> would someone dust me? [laughter] >> stephen: high maintenance. and folks, i know all

stephen colbert. take it away, stephen. (cheers and applause) hi! come on in! welcome people. silt down. welcome to the bridge of the intrepid where i am broadcasting from an exact replica of my studio built right inside the ship. it is so exciting. last night i launched a cruise missile. (laughter) my apologies to the people of wee hawkin. folks, speaking of blowing up on saturday mitt romney announced paul ryan as his vice presidential pick. and every news organization in the country has been clamouring to learn more about the dynamish duo but only one publication had a reporter out there on the bus on day one. people magazine. oors mitt romney calls it, corporations magazine. (laughter) a reporter from people joined romney and ryan on the campaign bus the day after the announcement and filed one of the most penetrating fluff pieces in this week's issue. it's title eled mitt romney and paul ryan, the honeymooners. named for that giddy honeymoon period early in every relationship when everything feels new and exciting before, inevitably, it stays that way forever. now not tha

(audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you! welcome!elcome concert nation! (cheers and applause) day two of steve fest coachella ' 12 rock fest. i have a very important question for you heroes. do you continue to be ready to rock? (cheers and applause) good because tonight we have grizzly bear. (cheers and applause) which, for the record, is the only bears i would ever have on my show. just the same, please just the same please bag all of your trash and hang it from a tree otherwise they will rummage through it. not because they're bears but because they're an indy band and it's a very tough living. and as for every-- every-- coachella fest is our d.j. grand master flash! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ooh, flash. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: flash, you know those beats are so phat i'm going to have to prescribe you libtor. (laughter) in this veil of tears nothing good could happen without corporate sponsorship. you are the future, you understand that! the youth of america understands that tonight i salute the heroes at pepsi. bring it o

welcome welcome my friend to the bridge -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, americans, welcome to the bridge of the intrepid where this week i'll be broadcasting from an exact replica of my-- it was expensive, wasteful and destroyed historic naval artifacts but it was worth it because it is my job to keep you inferred on the stories you care about. i know there has been a lot of concern in my circle of friends that the republicans have been leting this election get away from them. but worry no more. because saturday morning mitt romney made the most important announcement of his political career. >> in welcoming the next president of the united states, paul ryan. >> stephen: paul ryan for president! whooo! whooo! oh, whooo! what a relieve. because for nine months now i thought i was going to have to vote for mitt romney. i got to tell you, i was worried. you got me! you got me! oh my god! because you got to face t because there is no possible way that-- i'm sorry, what's happening? >> hold on, hold on, every now and then i'm kno

>> sure. >> stephen: oh, conchita. >> well done. >> stephen: a noble steed.eed an ice pack for my thigh please. michael, thank you so much for the experience of a lifetime. >> my pleasurement my pleasure. >> stephen: hopefully today we have proven that dressage is the sport of joe six pack or at the very least joe tiara. to refalca. >> and team u.s.a. [cheering and applause] >> what is this, korbel? ♪ aruba, jamaica ooh i want to take you to ♪ bermuda, bahama come on pretty mama ♪ key largo, montego baby why don't we go ♪ down to c kokomo. we'll get there faster and take i slow ♪ that's where we want to [ male announcer ] hey, isn't that the girl who tore out your still-beating heart? ok, how's this gonna play? try manly [ screams ] [ male announcer ] eew, ok, just do your thing. hey! hey! [ male announcer ] definitely a little bit epic. stride. do you have any idea where you're going ? wherever the wind takes me. this is so off course. nature can surprise you sometimes... next time, you drive. next time, signal your turn. ...that's why we got a subaru. love

>> yes. >> stephen: he is pro gay marriage. >> yes. >> stephen: you can't be an impartial person on this. you should recuse yourself from all opinions. right? isn't the gay community all in for him because he pandered -- >> no. >> stephen: he pandered biobeige his conscience? >> a lot of gay people are -- not all. a lot are in because he actually is the most important president in the history of our civil rights, and i am grateful for that, and -- [ applause ] >> and i believe that allowing two men or women to marry is a conservative idea, it fosters responsibility, mutual care, all of those values that conservatives say they believe in and i still believe in those values, and i don't believe in bigotry and fanatacism that has taken over this party and i hope that we might break that fever and bring conservativism back to the center, where we need it, we need it. >> stephen: all right. well, if the fever breaks please come back and we will take the temperature. >> absolutely. >> stephen: thank you so much, andrew sullivan. the dig at the daily beef. we will be right back. [ train whistle

stephen: it's a round.u know how to do that? you do row, row... >> you asked for a harmony, not a round. >> stephen: well the (bleep). (laughter) you start. ♪ row, row, row your boat... >> stephen: >> stephen: $100 bottles of beer on the wall... note? note take me down the stream ♪ donna nobis pacem >> stephen: beautiful. you ready for the colbert bump? >> ready. >> stephen: i'm going bump the (bleep) out of you tonight. get a hand in here. all right, ♪ colbert ♪ colbert... colbert... ♪ >> stephen: we'll be right back with music of some sort from grizzly bear. (cheers and applause) so dude. what is this you're listening to? you need to pump up some jams. c'mon. it's friday. it's time to get this party started. sfx: the tag starts making techno beats with his mouth. wha, ow! mj in the housey-house! tags are annoying. so we got rid of them. new hanes tagless underwear. go tagless. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat. the band you're about to see has not played a co