welcome to "the daily show" with trevor noah. i am not trevor noah! i am jordan klepper. est tonight from hit netflix show "marvel's luke cage" mike colter is here, everybody ( cheers and applause ) very excited. obviously,ive subbing for trevor, who unfortunately, is out sick this evening, not from watching too much debate last night but instead apparently one of his dimples exploded. doctors say he will make a full and handsome recovery. seriously, i will treat your desk and show with utmost respect and dignity so everything is in shape when you come back from your battle with penis farting syndrome. ( laughter ) it's a very real disease where surprisingly your penis farts. it's no laughing matter. it's stage 4 penis farting which is what trevor noah has. ( laughter ) while we're on the subject of a white guy trying to fill a black man's job, let's talk about donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) now, last night, he debated hillary clinton for the third and final time and the stakes were very high for the tangerine snatch-grabber. in the last few weeks he's plummeted in

hip-hop music] ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is daily show with trevor noahd captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody, i'm so excited, pie guest here to chat about his new national geographic special on rhino poachingk bryan christy is joining us, i know this is a comedy show, people, but some things are just not funny. >> neighborhoods across the country on edge after a series of scares involving people dressed as clowns. >> in some cases, luring children into the forest, peeking into people's windows. >> the sightings are terrorizing kids and authorities are taking it very seriously. >> in dartmouth, massachusetts, police put out this psa. >> remember that if you want to act like a clown, we have no problem treating you like one. (laughter). >> trevor: so you are going to squirt them with seltzer and throw a pie in their face? that doesn't sound so bad, man. that's not a threat. yes, it turns out there are some people out there dressed in creepeau clown outfits. clearly some p

i'm trevor noah.uest star, couldn't be more excited, knicks star carmelo anthony in the house! ( cheers and applause ) let's get straight into it. ted cruz is on the campaign trail. consider this a warning, folks, he might be calling your house. >> hi, this is ted cruz calling. i was calling to encourage you to come out and vote on election day. this election is critical for the direction of our country, and i urge you to come out and support freedom and constitution and the bill of rights. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i feel so bad for this guy. no, because, i mean, you know if he actually reach as trump supporter, that call is not going to go out, right? he's goin going to on the phone, like, hi, this is ted cruz. mm-hmm. lying ted. i'm just surging you that -- mm-hmm, my father killed kennedy. mm-hmm, i want you to vote for -- well, okay, i don't see how that -- okay, fiefn, i'm a pretty little pony and i want you to vote for trump. okay, thank you very much. ( applause ) saddest thing ever. do you know

i'm trevor noah.y guest tonight, so excited, california democratic congressman xavier becerra is in the house, everybody! we're going to talk about so many things. but first, let's start the show. i don't know, what do you guys want to talk about? ( laughter ) anything interesting happen over the weekend? ♪ >> breaking news, newly surfaced video of donald trump talking about groping women -- >> breaking news here on cnn, donald trump apologizing for vulgar comments -- >> more breaking news of republicans turning against donald trump -- >> breaking news, donald trump moments ago in a hotel in the st. louis area appearing with four of bill clinton's accusers -- >> breaking news, growing calls for trump to step down -- >> breaking news sunday debate showdown. >> vagina. >> pussy. >> gucci. >> pussy. >> pussy. >> trevor: goddam! whoo! ( cheers and applause ) you know, i'll tell you, this when the history of american politics is written, it will be divided into two distinctive eras, before pussy and after

] ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noahcheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show" with trevor noah! thank you so much, everybody! so excited. our guest tonight here to talk about his new album "trap or die 3", young jeezy is in the house, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) but first, breaking news from the internet. >> market news, twitter is discontinuing vine, now it was the app famous for videos lasting just six seconds. >> looks like the vine has withered and died. >> trevor: no! not vine! it was my favorite part of the internet! now how am i ever going to -- all right. six seconds, i'm over it. ( laughter ) october 27, 2016, vine died. cause of death was embarrassment, after your grandmother joined and now it's in heaven with friends google + and ask jeeves -- well, not jeeves, jeez is in hell. turns out, he was in the kkk, a lot of people didn't know that. you're shocked like he's a real person. what?! losing vine is a big deal. if you want to broadcast six seconds of yourself on a loop, you will h

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. i'm so excited. thank you for tuning in. my guest tonight from "blue jay," mark duplass is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) but, remember, last night's debate. you guys remember it? yeah, yeah, the one that was so boring woe prayed that donald trump would make a surprise appearance like a w.w.e. wrestler. you remember that? yeah? well, it turns out, he considered it. >> there's one thing what we been donald trump is that this is a man that does not like to be upstaged. and at least one senior trump campaign official telling cnn that the fact that mike pence had such a solid debate performance last night isn't sitting well with donald trump. >> trevor: unbelievable! ( laughter ) even when people are trying to perform for trump, he still feels like he's competing with them. i think trump would be mad at a woman giving him an orgasm. ( laughter ) he'd be like,

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody. welcome, welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. we have two guests tonight. director of polling at harvard john della volpe is here. and legendary musician phil collins is joining us tonight, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) let's get straight into it. the presidential election with just two weeks left, it looks like the gloves are finally coming off. >> vice president joe biden campaigning for hillary clinton in wics-barry, and here's what he said about donald trump. >> don' i wish i were in high sl and could take him behind the gym. that's what i wish. >> trevor: oh, ( bleep )! joe biden wants to take donald trump behind the gym. you know what that means, right? no, really, do you know what that means? because i don't know-- i don't know what happened in your high school, but in mine, the only thing happening behind the gym was people looking up. everyone knows there are rules. the parking lot is for fights.

. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: yeah! oh, yeah! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah. so excited. my guest tonight charlamagne tha god is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) joining us on the show to talk about true gods. but first let's talk a bit more about sunday night's town hall debate between hillary clinton and groper cleveland. after the debate, some people say that trump won because, honestly, he managed to distract attention from his pussy-grabbing scandal and some people say hillary clinton won because she made sense. but it's clear who really won because in the middle of that historically masty debate an exhausted nation cried out to god, throw us a bone! and he did. >> nearly 67 million people tuned in to the debate and the surprise star was the man in the red sweater. >> what steps will your energy policy make to meet our energy needs? >> the internet determined a clear winner, mr. ken bone. >> a man in the red sweater stole the spotlight. >> ken bone,

home >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much! i'm so excited! our musical guest one of the hottest rising stars in music, jidenna! and also g.o.p. political strategist ana navarro is also seeing -- joining us tonight. going to be a fun show. let's turn to breaking news. brand-new policy proposal have just come out from donald trump where he spoke -- just kidding ( laughter ) it's more sex stuff. >> breaking news, explosive new allegation against donald trump. >> overnight a flood of new allegations, multiple women who say donald trump touched or kissed them inappropriately. >> the palm beach post reports a woman who lives there, mindy mcgillevry, claims she was groped by trump 13 years ago. >> rachel crooks tells the times in 2005 she introduced herself to the businessman at trump tower instead of a handshake he kissed her. >> yet another accuser is a former miss u.s.a. imaginent contestant who represented the state of utah in 199

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to the "daily show." thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight, from the new movie "american pastoral," uzo aduba is here. uzo aduba joining us in the studio. of course, there are only 21 days until the election. so you better order that survival kit now if you want free shipping. and right now, many people would say things are not looking good for mr. trump. a new poll shows clinton leading nationally 47 to 38. and among women, she's beating trump by almost 20 points. yeah, right now, even cramps are polling higher with women. ( laughter ) but there is-- there is one group of americans with whom trump is improving and that's black children. i'm serious. i'm serious. check out this photo from last month of trump meeting little miss flint. that is not a good picture. look at her face. she knows that danger is coming. ( laughter ) you see, a lot of people don't realize this, but b

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, the daily show with trevor noah presents the 2016 vice presidential debate. no one cares. [cheers and applause] >> tevor: welcome to the daily show thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah live. 20 minutes ago tim kaine and mike pence left their chairs of the vice presidential debate which was held in a shameless pandering millennials. number 18 million people did not watch the debates. [laughter] the first time a tv show has gotten negative ratings. but if there was a deferralship than the presidential debate that's because no one knew the winners. this is true, hours before the debate, hours before the debate the gop released afternoon announcement on their website that mike pence already won. now they've since taken the pain down but before they did we found another page that no one else did and it's the one that the gop was supposed to only post on november 9th where they never supported donald trump and they somehow deserve credit for making him news. it's like we weren't there. [cheers and applause] we weren't part

music] ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noahheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to the daily show. thank you so much, everyone, i'm trevor noah. so excited to have you. my guest tonight hip-hop legend russell simmons is here, everybody. (cheers and applause) but first, breaking news from 150 million years ago. >> if you ask any toddler what a dinosaur would sound like, no doubt they would answer by roaring in your face. but it turns out that some scientists are now disproving that theory saying that dinos instead c cooed or quacked like ducks. (laughter). >> trevor: dinosaurs quacked? are you telling me these huge, tough creatures just sound ridiculous. congratulations, dinosaurs, you are the mike tysons of your time. (laughter) dangerous but you sound ridiculous. and this is a stunning revelation. you know, this is just me but i prefer scientists to look into why cell phones are exploding before moving on to dino sounds research. there are so many things happening in the world. and this

comedy central comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, i'm so excited. my guest tonight from west world, the new hbo show that will steal our lives. james marsden is here, everybody. in the house. but first off, there is some troubling news coming out of europe. >> breaking overnight kim kardashian west robbed at gunpoint. >> armed gunman dressed as police officers locked her in a bathroom and got away with millions in jawlry. >> the robber fled with around $10 million worth of jewelry. including a ring worth around four and a half million. >> a spokesman for kardashian west said she was badly shaken but physically unharmed. >> husband kayne west on stage in new york cut a concert short. ♪ ♪. >> i'm sorry, there is a family emergency, i have to stop the show. >> trevor: wow. what an insane day to be living for both of them. and i'm so glad that kim an her family are safe, that must have opinion scary, esp

thank you very much i'm trevor noah and we are live live live live that's right.here's more room for mistakes. dam it. my guess from rolling stone magazines. let's get right to the people. the third and final presidential debate of 2016 justnded and i must say all the prostitutes in vegas must have enjoyed the evenings because for once they got to watch others screw americans. this was america's night to let loose, let loose before she settles down and makes a commitment to one person. this is like a bachlorette party except he was on stage behind the podium. and what was actually the biggest difference from the last debate when the candidates could warned around and creep up on each other, right. but hillary wasn't taking any chances tonight she had a barbed wire fence installed just to case and got mexico to pay for it. if you thought it was hard to drop the craziness of the last debate where trump brought the accusers of. but hillary brought cuban as her guest which is a poor choice considering trump has shown he has no problem dealing with cubans at the debate

. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody! welcome to "the daily show"! my guest tonight, i'm really excited, chief political correspondent for cnn dana bash is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) here to talk about the world of cnn and media. first, i was really, really sick last week, thursday, and i couldn't do the eshow. can we just acknowledge for a second i've moved to america and, since i have been here, i have been to the hospital more times than i ever did in south africa. yeah. it's not because we don't have hospitals, and if you thought that, you're racist. yeah, there is something going on with the food. anyway, i was unable to do the show and the host was jordan klepper who did an amazing job. thank you so much, jordan klepper. ( applause ) part of me thinks one person was watching who was, like, wow, trevor really turned up his white half tonight! i like it! that's not how being mixed race works. i can't turn it up and down like the brig

. ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with trevor noahdemocalypse 2016 round up! ♪ >> this is it, we made it! [ cheers and applause ] >> the first debate, the waiting is finally over. this is after a year of subtweeting each other on the campaign trail, finally hillary clinton and donald trump went head to head and we did not have to wait long for the first lie. [ laughter ] >> donald, it's good to be with you. [ laughter ] >> ah, she's crooked! she's so crooked! the lies hillary! even melania was in the audience like, it's never good to be with him, don't lie! small hands, small hands! last night donald trump showed a lot of, what's the word i am looking for? >> restraint. >> restraint. >> i thought mr. trump at different times showed great restraint. >> i think there you saw in him the restraint and temperment that will make for a great president. >> i think he showed discipline, i think he was measure, in fact i think he was restrained. >> he was restrained. [ laughter ] >> you wouldn't pay what the man needed to be paid. what he was c

anything else, but it also mocks trump mercilessly, prompting this question from daily show host trevor noah why would you do this? you realize if he becomes. , you're dead. >> actually inspired by your show and -- >> oh, don't involve me! oh, no, no! >> reporter: hoffman gets why others are trump mum and especially why fellow business leaders aren't sharing what they confided to him in private. >> people are almost like a school yard bully, if i step up, am i going to be targeted, too? >> reporter: and so you're taking on the bully? >> yes, unfortunately. i wish i didn't have to. i wish to be focused on the business stuff i'm doing, how to contribute to our economic progress. how do i help create future for american industry, middle class. those things actually really matter to me, but it's so critical now that i'm taking every available hour and making more hours than i have available in order to get out and speak on this topic. >> reporter: and you yourself when you were at boarding school, had encounters with bullies, right? >> for the first year, i basically tried to reason with them. i

. >> trevor noah said, we're playing his words back for him and discussing them. there's a point there. we play the sound bites of donald trump. we talk about what he has said. then we say, let's make sense of that. just saying. i know you can't comment. you are out on the trail. you can't comment. thank you. >>> let's bring in sema mada. with a welcome to you. if yesterday's speech was part of donald trump's closing arguments, do you see a sense of how republicans are reading into this, leading up to election day and once this is all over? >> a number of people saying he is laying the groundwork in case if he does lose, it's -- he's not to blame. the other thing that a lot of people talked about, the idea that he is stepping on his message. he did have themes in his speech that talked about ideas, policies. when he started talking about suing the women who were accusing him, that became the headline of the day. once again, he stepped on his message again. >> how about the implications for mike pence and his potential 2020 plans? with the exception of the 2005, ho

. >> trevor noah on "the daily show" says there's a big difference between talking dirty and glorifyingl assault. here he was. >> it feels like more people are focused on he said [ bleep ]. it's not about that. it's about him saying he forces himself on women. you tell me what's worse. a guy who says "last night i dined with a lovely lady and i immediately afterwards escorted her back to her residents and proceeded to caress her genitals despite her lack of invitation." or is this worse? "man, last night i was rolling with this bad [ bleep ] and i was like yo, you gonna let me smash that [ bleep ] and she said no and i was like okay, no problem for me." [ cheers and applause ] which one is worse? which one is worse? now, don't get me wrong, neither of them is ideal. but one of them is crude and the other is against the law. >> exactly. >> agree with him. so trump, though, says the piece of this -- when you watch and listen to the video the other piece is billy bush and when they get off the bus billy says "don't you want to hug donald trump?" and the "today" show is recognizing that. nb

noah spence. broncos quarterback trevor simeon left the game injured. they're going down like flies over there. the other story, turnovers. three of them from the buccs in the first half. two jameis winston interceptions led directly to 14 denver points. broncos have extended their lead in the 3rd quarter, up on the buccs bonus show. >>> if you had the falcons quarterback matt ryan and or wide receiver julio jones on your fantasy team today, good for you. ryan torched the carolina panthers for 503 yards passing 300 of those yards to jones. for carolina, though, the panthers lose, cam newton the quarterback there on this play a concussion on conversion. the hit from from atlanta's deon jones. deon jones big hit there, legal hit according to the refs, 48- 33 falcons win. panthers are 1 and 3 on the season. >>> all right, the first round of the nascar sprint cup chase eliminations now complete. martin truex junior did not need a win but he dominated in his chase for the up can. tony stewart, kyle larson and jamie mcmurray knocked out of contention today. matches today, rory mcilroy who have endure

bucs have lost gerard mccoy and noah spence for the game. den have lost trevor paxton lynch is playing in his first nfl game as a rookie and right now is doing very well. a key nfc south match-up. carolina at atlanta. 81 points. 1,000 yards of offense. cam newton finds calvin benjamin for the core and here is where the falcons hurt the panthers. cam newton for the two-point plan. watch number 45 yan jones at the goal line with a big pop. newton will are to leave this symptoms. he didn't return. the bucs play carolina next week. something that is worth watching. a day for the falcons to fly. 503 yards. four touchdowns. julio jones was on the rec receiving end of most of them. jones is the sixth player in nfl with a 300-yard play off of it catches. he had one touchdown. atlanta wins 48-33. >>> bills and patriots get it going early right before kickoff. this gets the bills really fired up for this one. buffalo sets the tone early and carry through the whole game. tyrod taylor to mccoy for a 7-0 lead. the patriots are to go with a hurting jacobi brissette. and he fu