jimmy kimmel, mr. jimmy kimmel! we were hoping your cheeks were covered with our signature buffalo sauce. >> jimmy: no, it's hair. i'm just looking for jokes about donald trump if you have them. >> oh, donald trump, you came to the right place. >> jimmy: slept. >> i'm getting our number one donald trump joke now. i don't know but i've been told donald trump is turning red more donald >> jimmy: it's not my birthday. it is not my birthday. >> it's not your birthday? >> jimmy: no, it's not my birthday. i'm looking for donald trump jokes. >> donald trump jokes, yes. >> jimmy: okay, great, all right, good. oh, great. >> these will knock your socks off. >> jimmy: okay, good, all right, i'm ready. it's a great-looking wig. >> ready, jimmy? >> jimmy: what? >> you ready? >> jimmy: yeah, i'm ready. >> okay. joke number one. >> jimmy: okay. >> how many donald trumps does it take to build a wall? >> jimmy: i don't know, how many donald trumps does it take to build a wall? >> zero! he will make the mexicans build it for him! >>

>> i'm aamma thanks for joins and jimmy kimmel singer demi >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, roseanne barr, and demi lovato. with cleto and the cletones. and now, for your information, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ jimmy kimmel live >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you. i appreciate your -- i'll tell you something. i especially appreciate your positivity tonight because here is a little bit of insight into nigh life. about three or four times a year, sometimes more, sometimes less, a large group of people bands together to get mad at me. sometimes they write letters, sometimes they tweet. sometimes they march. there have been marchers frichlt day i talked about youtube gaming, a new youtube platform on which people who play video games can watch other people play video games. of course i made fun of this because there are people watching other people play video games. which to me seems ridiculous. but apparently i touched a nerve. because i got an avalanche of mostly misspelled vitriol over the weekend. we posted this video to y

and now, when all else fails, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thanks, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. glad you're watching. thanks to all of you for coming. thank you for joining us on what is the first day of autumn. i tell you, i love ought tell in la. the leaves are the same as usual. the air is the same as usual. people wear the same clothes as usual. it was 86 degrees here today. the only way to tell what season it is in l.a. is by which flavored syrup starbucks is adding to their coffee. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] if it's pumpkin spice you know summer must be done. the change of seasons is a big time of the year for our nation's weather forecasters. last night, a weatherman from the local nbc affiliate in charlotte, north carolina, i have to say he really nailed it. so much so he earned this week's "award for excellence in reporting." >> and it's the first day of fall tomorrow. i'll show you what's coming our way and when we could see some more rain coming up tonight at 11:00 on

and now, right before your very eyes, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, i'm. i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thanks for watching. thank you for joining us. how many of you watched the emmys last night? [ cheers and applause ] last night was the night on which television makes love to itself once gain, we go it every year. the 67th annual primetime emmy awards. the stars came out to shine. the about examplest of them all being the sun. it was very, very hot in downtown l.a. the temperature on the red carpet hit 97 degrees which means it was only 1 degree away from turning into a boy band down there. it was terrible. that kind of heat is dangerous because many of our favorite celebrities are made out of plastic. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: some of the reporters on the red carpet fainted. some of them had to get medical attention. true. i'm not kidding. ryan seacrest, his molecules became unstable and transformed him back into a liquid state. they had to put him in a mold and refrigerate him for two hours to get him back. m

i'm dan ashley right now open jimmy kimmel johnny depp have a jimmy kimmel johnny depp have a good night >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, johnny depp -- from "the visit," kathryn hahn -- and music from mutemath. with cleto and the cletones. and now, first and foremost, it's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. i know you're excited. this is a great day in the united states. our national nightmare is over. earlier tonight from gillette stadium in massachusetts a new nfl season began. [ cheers and applause ] the new england patriots hosted the pittsburgh steelers. i want to say something that might be controversial but i think it needs to be said. the truth is you don't have to be ready for some football. there's no preparation required. turn it on and watch. i'm trying something new this season. instead of watching the games i'm going to dvr all the games so i can binge watch them the week before the super bowl. the patriots of course have be

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi there. hi, everybody. my name's jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. i'll tell you something. we have a very good show for you tonight. but before we dive into it, i want to update you on an extremely important controversy i found myself in the middle of. it's probably the most important thing going on in the world right now. if you watched our show last night, you know that i have enraged the world of video gaming. video gamers are mad at me because last week i made comments about youtube gaming, which is a new platform on youtube where people who play video games can watch other people playing video games. i suggested that watching other people play video games is a double waste of time. and it turns out -- [ laughter ] -- i was very wrong. it's a great way to spend time. so we posted this video of me saying this youtube. and we got a lot of angry comments. i ran a bunch of them last night. and we posted them to youtube and got a lot more angry comments t

have a good >>> ask now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood -- it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- matt damon. dr. phil mcgraw. from "quantico," priyanka chopra. and music from fidlar. with cleto and the cletones. and now, all aboard, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. oh, that's so nice. in the just the world, there's a lot going on in the universe right now. did you see the big super bloody lunar moon last night? the super moon was the reason all your facebook friends posted blurry pictures of the sky last night. a major astronomical event. it won't happen again until the year 2033. i was really excited about it. i read about it last week but i forget things. i set a reminder to go outside and look at it. but i was so eager to see it i didn't need the alarm. i went outside 6:45 last night. as soon as it started to get dark i waited. for a full 20, 30, 40 minutes i couldn't find the moon. i waited. i was in front of my house. well, maybe -- i went to th

have a good >>> ask now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood -- it's "jimmy kimmel livew. from "quantico," priyanka chopra. and music from fidlar. with cleto and the cletones. and now, all aboard, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

. >> first a look at what's coming up tonight on "jimmy kimmel live"right after 7 news at 11:00. immy. >> thanks. here's a snippet of what we are up to tonight. you just within an emmy. yes you have a choice to keep the emmy or trade it for what is inside in the mystery box what can i make for you? how about our new flavor-packed italian hero? with three authentic italian deli meats; spiced capicola, a cracked- pepper-seasoned mortadella and spicy genoa salami. enjoy it while it's here! subway. eat fresh. if. >> tonight police investigating a brawl between san francisco 49ers and pittsburgh steeler fans. cell phone video show the fight outside sports bar in downey south of los angeles on sunday. police arrived after the fate broke up and talked to one man involved. he later went to the police station to file assault report. last week santa clara police arrested 4 people for attacking a minnesota viking fan outside levi stadium. >> san francisco bay is packed with plastic. new study from demonstrationist at uc berkeley found 3.9 million micro bead flow in the bay each day. micro be

good night. ♪ >>> and now abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel liveht, don johnson, james taylor, and celebrities read "mean tweets" live, with cleto and the cletones. and now, when all else fails, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

jimmy kimmel live is next.you with a powerful look back at today's papal appearances. have a wonderful evening. ♪ >>> and now abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, don johnson, james taylor, and celebrities read "mean tweets" live, with cleto and the cletones. and now, when all else fails, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

jimmy kimmel is >> dickey: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, emily blunt, american hero, u.s. airman spencer stone, and music from rita ora featuring chris brown with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thanks, everybody. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for coming out. i'm glad you're here. i hope you had a fun holiday weekend. a lot of people had the day off for labor day, which means instead of being at work all day checking facebook or at home all day checking facebook, three day weekends are great. a two-day weekend goes by like that. but then when you get a third day, that's when you start to settle in and really enjoy. and then when you go back to work on tuesday, it's like a baby bird stolen from the nest and droppend into a cement mixer or something. the wonderful emily blunt is with us. emily just became a u.s. citizen. she used to be english, and now eventually she will a'll be mexican, i guess. and you have heard about the guys who stopped

and now, first and foremost, it's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody.

it's "jimmy kimmel live"!ght -- shonda rhimes. dave salmoni and animals. celebrities read mean tweets live. and music from jill scott. with cleto and the cletones. and now, all of a sudden, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

it's "jimmy kimmel live"!- bill o'reilly. from "the muppets," kermit the frog and miss piggy. "celebrities read mean tweets." plus music from robin thicke. with cleto and the cletones. and now, right before your very eyes, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

. >>> "jimmy kimmel live" coming up at 11:35 after "action news." here is jimmy with a preview of tonight's show. >> thanks, jim, hello philadelphia. a sample of tonight's show. >> is there anything that you like about each other? can you say something nice about each other? people of the coffee-drinking world, dunkin' donuts' dark roast coffee is deliciously roasted for a bold start and smooth finish. for a limited time, get any medium hot or iced dark roast coffee for 99 cents. for a limited time, get any medium hot or iced royal caribbean's wow sale is back. buy one get one half off. plus free upgrades and up to $200 onboard spending money. it all ends september 30th, so call 1-800-royal-caribbean or your travel agent today. ♪ everyone is saying, "hey! you gotta get fios!" but why? well, fios is a 100 percent fiber optic network, so you can get 100% out of all your devices. so whatever speed you need, fios has it with the fastest internet and wi-fi available, from 50 to 500 mbps. but the main reason to get fios? we're rated number 1 in customer sa

jimmy kimmel live is next. alison: have a good night. >>> and now abc's "jimmy kimmel live"! >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, tobey maguire -- dale earnhardt, jr. -- and music from kip moore with cleto and the cletones. and now, why not, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

leon: jimmy kimmel live is next.t. >>> and now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, john stamos. from cnn, jake tapper, jake byrd at a donald trump rally. and music from cold war kids. with cleto and the cletones. and now, you asked for it, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

i would love to see any information you have. >> jimmy kimmel, how you doing? jimmy: i'm with the dwp now, we're cruising the neighborhood, checking, making sure people aren't wasting water. >> is it by the baseball field? softball field? >> yes, you know this area? >> yeah, i worked with the va before. i have someone i can call. >> they're all geysered. va hospital. baseball diamond. >> i'm like, hang on here, i'm not watering my lawn, you're not even checking your lawn. >> jimmy: those [ bleep ]. i am so upset right now. i might cry. but i won't because it's going to waste water. >> yeah. you want to save that. >> jimmy: sorry about the phone. i don't know what came over me. it's recyclable, don't worry. thank you so much, citizen. do you ever catch people with sprinklers on in the rain? >> yes, we do. >> jimmy: oh! that's where i would get violent. that's where i would really go crazy. i think one of the big problems is nobody knows how their sprinklers work. >> that is a problem. >> jimmy: very, very complicated. >> no, they're not. >> jimmy: well, for me t

live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"!rom cnn, jake tapper, jake byrd at a donald trump rally. and music from cold war kids. with cleto and the cletones. and now, you asked for it, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

and now, just arriving, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ jimmy kimmel live ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

good night >>> and now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, david spade, from the oklahoma city thunder, russell westbrook. "this week in unnecessary censorship," and music from a$ap rocky featuring schoolboy q. with cleto and the cletones. and now, look out, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. hi, everybody. i'm jimmy, host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. i'm glad that you're here. we have a lot to cover tonight. we have so much ground to cover. not the least of which is the republican candidate debate last night on cnn. did you watch this debate? well, a lot of people did. 23 million viewers tuned in last nate. making it the biggest audience in the history of cnn. even bigger than the televised wedding of larry king and anna nicole smith. remember that? i shed many a tear that evening. if you're not one of the people who watched it last night, here is just a taste what was you missed. i feel like -- hold on a second. i think you played the wrong clip. that was th

"jimmy kimmel live"!lor, and celebrities read "mean tweets" live, with cleto and the cletones. and now, when all else fails, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

good night >>> and now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"avid spade, from the oklahoma city thunder, russell westbrook. "this week in unnecessary censorship," and music from a$ap rocky featuring schoolboy q. with cleto and the cletones. and now, look out, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

and now, for your information, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank you for watching.

"jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, kerry washington, from "scream queens," lea michele, celebrities read mean tweets live, and music from travis scott, with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. very nice. this is an historic day for the united states of america. pope francis visited our country for the first time ever today. the pope is here until saturday. he's visiting washington, d.c., new york, and pennsylvania. not even going to bother coming to l.a. he said it's a lost cause, no point. while pope francis is here he will address a joint session of congress, and then i think he's doing snoop dogg's youtube show. this is the plane the pope flew in on. first up was cuba. he came straight here from havana and had a little bit of trouble at customs. they stopped him and went through his stuff. >> what is this, sir? >> jimmy: you can't bring more than $100 worth of cigars into the country. i don't care

>> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"!tobey maguire -- dale earnhardt, jr. -- and music from kip moore with cleto and the cletones. and now, why not, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

first what's coming up tonight on "jimmy kimmel live"after 7 news at 11:00. jimmy. >> thanks dan and am machlt here's what's waiting for you after the news. always a highlight to have you here. really like christmas right now for me. >> that's why i wore red for you. >> thank you. >> you feel like tom wearing christma mi'm a lineman here in oakland. day in, day out, a large part of what we do is about providing reliable power to our customers. pg&e is dedicated to the community. i love working here because this is my home. oakland is my home. this is where i'm raising my children so it's important to me to make sure my family and friends have the power and energy that we provide. this is very personal to me. it makes me work a lot harder knowing that this is my community. together, we're building a better california. selling 18 homes? easy. building them all in four and a half months? now that was a leap. i was calling in every favor i could, to track down enough lumber to get the job done. and i knew i could rely on american express to help me buy those build

and now, for your information, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ jimmy kimmel live >> jimmy: welcome to the show. thank

>>> and now, abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- shonda rhimes. dave salmoni and animals. celebrities read mean tweets live. and music from jill scott. with cleto and the cletones. and now, all of a sudden, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks to all of you for coming. very nice. by the way, i know a lot of you watch this show for our stron astronomy segment so sunday try to look up from your phones because there's going to be a total lunar eclipse and a super moon, both of them at once. that has not happened since 1982, it won't happen again until 2033, which happens be the year when snooki is expected to be seeking the republican nomination for president. this super moon is extra super, it's a blood moon, when a lunar ecrips and super moon occur at the same time and cause a total eclipse of the heart. i could be confused. seems we've had a lot of super moons lately. i'm waiting for super moon verses batmoon to come out. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: did you remember to tgit ton

"jimmy kimmel live"!d animals. celebrities read mean tweets live. and music from jill scott. with cleto and the cletones. and now, all of a sudden, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ jimmy kimmel live ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome to the show.ou for watching. thank you. very nice. thank you for being here. i will tell you it is -- it is hot everywhere. it is humid. it's terrible. you know why it is so hot today? ricky martin is here. that's why it's hot. [ cheers and applause ] right now in, in new york right now it is fashion week. which also known as watch hungry women walk week. fashion week, for those who aren't familiar is the week that answers the question -- how many emaciated teenagers will it take to convince someone to spend $10,000 on a dress. a lot of people are interested. the only way you can get me to care with fashion week is if you mashed it up with shark week some how. love to see a hammerhead swallow a $28,000 birken bag. better get the fashion week stuff over before the pope gets there. pope francis is coming to new york, washington, and philadelphia. he'll be here on the 22nd. better get your acts together. this will be the pope's visit to the united states, never been here before, before he was pope. s

>> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"!om "the visit," kathryn hahn -- and music from mutemath. with cleto and the cletones. and now, first and foremost, it's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪