greg gutfeld has something to say about that next on "the five."eartburn, third day this week. so i took my heartburn pill and some antacids. we're having mexican tonight, so another pill then? unless we eat later, then pill later? if i get a snack now, pill now? skip the snack, pill later... late dinner, pl w? aghh i've got heartburn in my head. [ male announcer ] stop the madness of treating frequent heartburn. it's simple with prilosec otc. one ll a day. twenty-four hos. zero heartburn. no heartburn in the first place. great. ♪ ♪ >> greg: weble to "the five." former vice president al gore finally blew a gasket at all places a communications seminar. what pushed the gloomy gas bag over the edge? well, he feels it's getting harder for chickp littles like himself to talk about climate change now that we all wiseed up. taste this wine. >> greg: wow! that was elegant. daps he won't be in mix company. >> did he say this or a rant from "red eye." >> greg: let me tell you. gore becomes a boy after i defeat, wants to take the ball, ie the earth and run h

greg gutfeld has something to say about that next on "the five." ♪ ♪ >> greg: weble to "the five."l gore finally blew a gasket at all places a communications seminar. what pushed the gloomy gas bag over the edge? well, he feels it's getting harder for chickp littles like himself to talk about climate change now that we all wiseed up. taste this wine. >> greg: wow! that was elegant. daps he won't be in mix company. >> did he say this or a rant from "red eye." >> greg: let me tell you. gore becomes a boy after i defeat, wants to take the ball, ie the earth and run home but he doesn't see it wasn't the skeptics who blocked the debate but the purveyors of panic like gore who exaggerated the threat and demonized anyone brave enough to question it. no wonder he is hotter than number on the graph. compare him to the deep green resistance and he appears almost sane. recent article, the greenies say that to save the earth, civilization must be destroyed vie will wantly. and replace it by a stone age lifestyle. now, i wouldn't be against this if the earth worms led by example. but somehow i

. >> bob: can you imagine greg gutfeld -- >> eric: we'll say good night but to the team from california in america right here, beating the japanese team. with this. take a look at this. ♪ >> bob: there you go! all right! >> the game is over. america wins the little league world series. that is it for us tonight. thank you for watching. see you tom >>> welcome to "red eye." i'm greg gutfeld. that is crazy greg's open in the men's restroom. all currency is negotiatable. let's go to andy levy for a pre game report. w45* is coming up on tonight's show? >> and microphone check one, two. why did al gore compare climate change skeptics to racists? they will try to answer without using the phrase, that's how he rolls straight ahead. and the convicted bomber is comatosed and near death. and finally bill schulz looks at roller blading. >> thank you, andy. >> happy national marshmellow toasting day. >> yes, it is, greg, yet few people know that the few people to toast a marshmellow are lawrence marsh. >> that's not true, andy. >> it is, true. >> and the story how he -- how to toast it is education

it sounds like greg gutfeld, poll of up with. >> greg: poll of my past five girlfriends about me. >> you happy today? it's over. >> greg: it's not over. we're still kicking the corpse. >> bob: there you go. >> greg: hardly over. >> andrea: whatever. the condition. >> bob: the biden issue? >> andrea: we can talk about biden issue. >> bob: we're on the air. sorry. i to wait for. that >> greg: i love technology. it's charming that you don't. >> andrea: go ahead. biden called -- put it out there. in a closed door meeting calling the tea party terrorists and now he is trying to back off the statement. >> bob: let me say i tend to believe joe biden, but i want to say something besides that. yesterday, greg got jr. upset with me for my using that word as well in the heat of the motion and passion for the hatred of the bill and my belief that tea party sent us in the wrong direction i should not have used the term. they didn't tell me to say this, because i would haven't said it. but if i offend anybody i apologize. i'll stop using the word. >> andrea: on a democratic sheet of talking points

and he quotes the great, great gutfeld in it at great length. >> thank you. >> excellent. >> greg, i have about 12 seconds or so. anything you want to get off your chest? anything you want to talk about or ask me or say to our people watching at home or maybe the other guests or maybe we should just end the show? >> i don't know. i mean we could just stair at each other. >> sure.

i'm greg gutfeld with 100% of your daily gutfeld requirements. eat up. let's go to andy levy for a pre game report. what's coming up on tonight's show? >> the people for the ethical treatment of animals gave an award to a new film, rise of the planet of the apes. did i mention this movie is in theater nows and getting excellent reviews? maybe see it. and al gore said america needs its own arab spring. we will try to figure out what the former vice president and tv founder means straight ahead. did you get that one? and brazil's biggest city adopts legislation calling for a heterosexual pride day leading to worrys that we may be looking at the world's most boring parade ever. >> thank you, andy. >> happy national underwear day. >> i wasn't sure whether to wear bikini, a thong or g-string so i decided to wear all three. >> well, good forgetting into the expert of the day. i wear a sports bra. >> they great for reducing embarassment of breast movement during exercise. i remember seeing you jogging during the surf line and you were so much at peace. >> that

i'm greg gutfeld. undisputed world champ yin of -- champion of mixed martial arts. if you can't stand the pain, don't get into the ring. let's go to andy levy for our pre game report. what's coming up? >> let's play too, america. our top story -- that means happy birthday in swahili, his home in kenya. and vancouver is getting ready to hand out free crack pipes. the shocking story that doesn't affect you at all. and are more and more ce-ed turn -- co-ed turning to sugar daddys? the latest on this totally fake trend straight ahead. >> thank you, andy. >> you are welcome. >> aren't you going to wish me a happy something day? >> not today. >> what will we talk about? >> i guess nothing. you will just have to start the show. >> the show is timed out to allow us to talk about something now. >> this willhrow off the show show, andy. >> i'm sure it will be fine. >> i don't think so. i think everybody will be screwed up. >> really? you don't think if i spend a couple minutes chatting the whole show will be ruined? >> i guess i have a little more faith greg in you and in our

i'm greg gutfeld. voted best actor in the all male retelling. i would like to thank my mom, my dad and scott wherever you are. let's go to andy levy for a pre game report. what is coming up on tonight's show? >> let's get it oamerica. someone has a crush on someone, and wait until you find out who those someones are. it is muammar qaddafi and condoleezza rice. i just blew that piece. plus, should we be expecting a serious third party presidential candidate in 2012? the more parties the better, aim right, bros? and a new book claims the founder of ikea was a member of the swedish nazi party. we will see if that explains the instructions straight ahead. greg? >> thank you, andy. >> happy billy ray cyrus birthday. >> is that any relation to miley cyrus? >> i believe she will be popping up out of his birthday cake. >> fun fact, andy, when you plan for that sort of occasion, don't use real cake. it can ends in tragedy. >> you have had experience with that i take it? >> it was a no bake peanut butter cheesecake so there was no fatalities. >> that's a

. >>> i'm greg gutfeld. the only talk show host with three convenient manhattan locations. it is in our new location. come for my grand open agent 3:00 a.m. on friday. i will have door prices -- prizes, but no door. andy, what is coming up on tonight's show? >> thanks, greg. and talk to the hand, america. our top story tonight, why are u.s. marines in afghanistan told they need to be silent, but deadly 1234* we'll explain coming up. and a new study shows 80% of congress have no background in business or economics. the shocking story that couldn't be any less shocking. and finally, is alec baldwin a 9/11 truth -- truther? and what does it have to do with me. >> thank you, andy. >> happy kiss and make up, day. >> nice try. i am not falling for this one. >> don't know what you mean, greg. kiss and make up day is a great way to end fights, stop spats and finish feud. >> you think you could make up a day that says everything is all right and i will come back and watch the mad men box set while eating smores and doing each other's hair. how stupid do you think i am after what you

i'm greg gutfeld in for clyde hustler who is on rotation. let's go to andy levy for a pre game report. what's xoming up on tonight's show? >> i'm okay, america. we will go all wait to europe where things continue to heat up in libya. and a new poll with congressman ron paul showing he is trailing by two percentage points. and finally is joe biden cool with china's one child policy, or is he just being biden? the answer is obvious. greg? >> thank you, andy. >> happy national sponge cake day. >> how do you plan to celebrate? >> by whipping up one of my world famous victoria sponge cakes. >> what is that? >> it is sponge cake with jam spread through the layers. she enjoys a piece with her afternoon tea. >> that sounds delicious. >> it is. and i am the only one whoe -- who thinks so. >> i believe sponge cake is called a sponge cake because of its consistency and not because it uses sponges. >> boy, do i feel foolish. >> i made the same mistake with lady finger. >> wait, so lady fingers are not actually -- >> no. >> have i to go. >> you better. >

. >> i'm greg gutfeld, holder of the olympic record for the nude hurdle jump. better luck next time anderson cooper. now to andy levy for a pre game report. what is coming up on tonight's show? >> greg, and excuse me penn, your body is writing checks you can't cash. wait until you find out who they have given a million dollars too. and ambercrombie and fitch will pay jersey shore to stop wearing the clothing. that's straight ahead. and author and magician penn teller joins us for the whole show. sometimes the magician is the mark. >> thank you, andy. >> happy mail catalog order day. >> i ordered 12 mails in the last month without leaving my apartment. >> i think this is a different kind of mail order we are talking about here. >> i don't follow. >> today is a day to celebrate ordering things in the mail from a cat tau log. >> that's what i did. i wish they would relief themselves before the trip. >> and we are done. > let's welcome our guests. go away. >>> every chair she sits in is a hotseat. but it is because she is hot. it is not hard to understand. i am here

i'm greg gutfeld with kimberly guilfoyle, bob beckel, eric bolling, monica crowley. we have so much to yell about today so let's get started. first, sarah palin has started wailing. here are the harsh words for tea party critics. >> if we were domestic terrorists, shoot, wouldn't president obama want to pal around with us, wouldn't he? >> greg: interesting question. then a mom waits to keep child killer. and chavez wok-out video. you'll love that. gaddafi publicity makeover and there is always putin doing something with a pan. he really is adorable. "the five" starts right now! ♪ ♪ >> greg: okay. the debt drama is over. at least until the next one. do we want to start off with the most important thing happening in the world today? or perhaps ever. one day after the united states averted a near multitrillion dollar disaster, it's president obama's birthday party tonight. to celebrate, he travels to chicago. to attend a fundraising concert and shindig includes performance from jennifer hudson, herbie hancock and okay go. and later biden tries to dance with a coat rack.

i'm greg gutfeld, winner of the teen choice award for the best all new performance of "marley and me" filmed in my basement with nothing but saw ran wrap and duct tape. i want to thank everyone involved who survived. let's go to andy levy for a pre game report. what's coming up on tonight's show? >> thanks, greg. get up off that thing and make yourself feel better, america. so there are riots in england or as they call them lifts. and is oat bo ma administration preparing details on mitt romney? and finally people donate thousands of dollars worth of stuff after people announce they will camp out in front of an apple store a month before the iphone 5 comes out. our allstar panel will try to figure out which of the seven seals this represents straight ahead. greg? >> thank you, andy. >> happy national smoors day, greg. >> did you know smoors stands for some more as in give me some more smoo ?re. >> did you know it was invented in 1873? >> oh yeah nigel taking credit for everything. i thought it was the girl scouts who created it since the first written recipe was in a girl scout handbo

i'm greg gutfeld, the creator of gutfeld land. but i must remind you, keep your hands in the boat on the house boys of the caribbean ride. at all times, they will bite you. joe, what's coming up on tonight's show? >> coming up on the show, whose name sounds like something a doctor would call a sty. at the g.o.p. presidential debate, fireworks erupt. everybody was just pissed they had to be in iowa. just kidding, iowa. as the riots continue in england, we learn that some of the looting has been blamed on the food. and last but not least, a poll shows that most new york city residents are not worried at all about terror. but they are quite concerned about broadway's revival of "hair" and its sister act. >> thank you, joe. >> that's it? we are not going to do some humorous back and forth like you always do? >> greg: nah. >> if it was andy, would you do it? >> greg: yeah. >> i hate the both of you. >> greg: neither one of us cares. but we love you. >> really? >> greg: no. you suck. beat it. let's welcome our guests. she's so hot that

i'm greg gutfeld. this season winner on dancing with the house boys, i didn't flip it once. let's go to andy levy for a pre game report. what's coming up on tonight's show, old sport? >> don't mess with texas, america. i'm told if you do they will treat you ugly. don't know what that means. don't want to know what that means. don't mess with texas. and is president obama's bus tour about jobs orie election? and -- or re-election? and either way shouldn't he be impeached? and how macho men are more likely to die in an accident. should the village people be worried 1234*. >> happy national flip shop day. >> i don't let a smudge put mooy off. >> and having somebody else's dna could be helpful at the trial. >> that is a side benefit that helps with my cor did -- sordid hobo crime. >> you should see my secondhand rogues. >> have you gotten more since sunday night? >> how did you though about that? >> i would love to. >> you asked if i had gotten more since sunday night. >> did i? >> yes. >> did i? >> i think so. >> did i? >> i guess not. >> let's welcome our guests. well she is s

i'm greg gutfeld, star of the summer blockbuster "gutfeld five" in imax3d, it is select back rows at certain theaters. andy, what is coming up on tonight's show? >> and get on the good foot, america. our top story, america's credit rating is down graded and the stock market plunges 600 points. funny stuff, right? and st's a cover -- and it is a cover article on michele bachmann find out if it is flattering or unflattering. i know, it was easy. and ite is the least self-aware in a new "elle" magazine. >> thank you, andy. >> happy sneak some zucchini on your neighbor's porch. >> is that a euphemism? >> no, it supplies a bountiful harvest. and today is a day to share so do just that. >> so sneak some zucchini to your neighbor's porch is not a euphemism? >> that's what i am saying. the plant produces an endless supply about zucchini, so it is about sharing the supply with your neighbors. >> so sneak some zucchini on your neighbor's porch is not a euphemism, i bought a bunch of zucchini for all of the wrong reasons. >> i know i regret asking this. but why did you buy it? >> it is my third

i'm greg gutfeld. i will be bringing my myself to the speed show. watch me jump a record 75 house boys. once out of the men's room i will do some house racing. now to andy levy for our pre game report. what's up? >> let love rule, america. our top story, a new poll shows rick perry with a big lead over the republican primary field. our panel will discuss what this means for ron paul's presidential chances so john stewart does president yell at -- doesn't yell at us. and do ugly people need protection from discrimination? it will begin and end with everyone agreeing the answer is no, straight ahead. and finally michele bachmann's hair is sweeping the nation. well, her hair style. it would be weird if her hair were sweeping the -- never mind. >> thank you, andy. >> happy national trail mix day. >> i prefer to call it gorp. >> an acro anymore for good old racens and peanuts. >> it is an initialism. >> initialism is when you don't pronounce words like fbi and cia. >> but gorp is not an actual word. you don't go out and gorp something. >> it is a bacrony

i'm andy levi, filling in for greg gutfeld, who is at the doctor. let's go to mike baker for our pregame report. mike, what's coming up? >> he just turned interest a diligence president. >> that's how it works. >> thank you for asking. tonight, we asked the question, if space aliens land on earth, could they vaporize the researchers who have wasted time and money examining what might happen if space aliens land on earth. should masturbation be off limits in a nationally televised interview. should the topic of be off limits during a nationally televised interview? and at what point did it become accessible for dudes to cry at movies? unless it's the magnificent 7 oracley's heroes. all of that and what could be the world's greatest children's bedtime story, coming up on the big show. a belated happy birthday to you. >> thanks. and thanks for not coming to my party itch i was otherwise detained. >> yeah. i was being searched. >> that's it. i'm done. i'm going to stand by. >> stand by for news. let's welcome our guests. i'm here with alleged fox news c

along with bob beckel, dana perino, judge andrew napolitano, and greg gutfeld. we'll have more on the market madness in a moment. here is what we're covering tonight. unrest in london, spreading across the country. violent riots continue. we have the latest. plus, just days before the ames straw poll, tim pawlenty and mitt romney release new addadds slamming president -- as slamming president obama. we preview the big showdown in iowa. "the five" starts right now. ♪ ♪ >> kimberly: another day and freefall in the stock market. the announcement that the fed will keep the interest rates low hasn't done anything to quell fears. dana you were press secretary in the 2008 financial meltdown. anything you think the white house can do now to stop the bleeding? >> dana: a couple of things. one is when you see a stock market fall like this, if some ways people think you can hold on and ride through it. the problem is for a lot of folks out there, their 401(k)s and pensions are tied up in this. so when you are at the white house, one thing you are thinking about is forget t

i'm dana perino with kimberly guilfoyle, bob beckel, andrea tantaros and greg gutfeld. we have a lot to cover tonight. first we start with the faa fabrication. we have exaggerated numbers used by the government to make the situation seem worse than it was. plus, arnold schwarzenegger's former $40 million lawsuit against media outlets. what sean penn said that caused this reaction from major league baseball manager. >> he's a loser. >> dana: "the five" starts right now. >> so are you. ♪ ♪ >> dana: so, as with the first friday of every month we have new job numbers to talk about. today, 117,000 jobs created in july. that was the report today. that's a decent number. certainly better than previous months for sure. but the underlying number spells trouble for the economy such as the number of people to gave up looking for work altogether. andrea, no dancing in the end zone at the white house. they have 9.1% unemployment rate. what were the bright spot in the economic report if there were any? >> the fact that there was some job growth that was good in past months you've see

i'm greg gutfeld providing 100% of your full gutfeld requirements as part of a balanced breakfast.requ eat up. let's go to andy levy for a pre game report. what's coming up? >> our top story tonig'sht, thep people for the ethicaltrea treatment of animals gives a rise to the planet of the apse. i men did i mention it is in theaters now and gettingow excellent reviews? maybe go see it. and al gore says america needspr its own spring. we will find out what thee founder means straight ahead. do you see dwhai there? former vice president and current tv founder. pretty good, right? one? >> and brazil's biggest cityy adopts legislation calling for a heterosexual pride day saying we may be looking at one of the world's most boring parades ever. happy national underwear day.da >> i wasn't sure whether tour wear bikini underwear, a thong k or g-string so i decided to wear all three. >> that's three more than youngo usually wear. good for you forgetting into the spirit of the day. i myself am wearing a sportsr as bra. >> it results from breastem movement from exercise.ve i remember seeing you jog

i'm eric bolling, along with andrea tantaros, bob beckel, dana perino and greg gutfeld. "the five" starts right now. ♪ ♪ >> eric: all right. we're drowning in debt and businesses aren't hiring. two deadly ingredients to an ailing economy. two manifestations of obamanomics. tax, spend and spread the wealth. the economy is in turmoil and we have a front-row seat to obamanomics failing right in front of our eyes. listen to the promise mr. mr. obama made two years ago. >> you know, a year from now, i think people are going to see that we're starting to make some progress. but there is still going to be pain out there. if i don't have this done in three years, then there will be a one-term proposition. >> eric: time has run out, mr. president. we can only hope for change in 2012. dana, you had a front-row seat to markets melting down like this. tell us what goes on beyond the scenes. d/b/a one of th -- d/b/a -- >> dana: one of the things you realize you don't have total control. you see the drops out there, it makes you sick to your stomach. i thought about the mom and dads w

i'm eric bolling, with kimberly guilfoyle, bob beckel, andrea tantaros and greg gutfeld. lot going on today. of course, we'll talk about the very latest on the debt debt deal in d.c. but flogging, stoning and amputation are punishment outlined in shariah law and some u.s. courts have taken on the fight whether they have to refer to islamic law for guidance. plus, how would you feel about random drug testing in your child's middle school? we will tell you where that is happening. the new f.t.c. rule ace lowing social media background checks. another reason you and your kids better watch out, what you post online. all of that and much more. "the five" starts right now. ♪ ♪ >> eric: all right. the d.c. debt deal dominating the news. and rightly so. the country is or was on the verge. here is the deal. $2.1 trillion in cults. with the ceiling rise of $2.1 trillion in tramples. maybe twoin -- tranches. based on a panel, super panel if you will, with triggers. the good news is the spending cut by $2.1 trillion. the bad news, we're still overspending by $2.1 trillion. the good n