jimmy kimmel! -- chef gordon ramsay. from "glee," mike o'malley. and music from hanson. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, from this moment on, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. hi, everyone, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. and -- [ applause ] someone in the audience is very excited to be here tonight. this guy, he's here from houston and it looks like your head is just on the verge of exploding. welcome. they left their triplets home to be here tonight. and i want to say, i want to welcome everyone who has abandoned their family to be with us tonight. as you are hopefully aware, father's day is on sunday. i got my dad the same thing i get him every year. a gift certificate to black angus and a mouse pad made out of popsicle sticks. one guy who, by the way, does not have a fun father's day plan for this weekend is new york congressman anthony weiner. he -- weiner'

. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: if you're going to send pictures of yourself, send them on myspace, where no one will notice. >> dicky: bachelorette ashley hebert. >> jimmy: people wanted to murder him. >> i looked for the good in him. i gave him a shot. >> jimmy: your judgment is terrible. we learned this. >> dicky: paris hilton. the national spelling bee champ. and music from >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- paris hilton. bachelorette ashley hebert. national spelling bee champ. guillermo at the mtv movie awards. and music from sara bareilles. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live!" >> dicky: and now, why not, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nice. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the program. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. seated and just as i like you. you know, we were off last night. we usually do a show on monday. but we had a special primetime nba show to shoot instead. so, we missed out on a lot of important weiner jokes. tonight i vow to make tha

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: so far this has been the best summer of my entire life. really. the only bad thing is, my yogalates instructor says i'm not bikini ready yet. >> dicky: mom molly shannon. >> you are bad! >> dicky: tim tebow. and music from matt nathanson. >> jimmy: with all that ohm yum laying around, you would think it would be a mellower place.h@ >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with exciting news. "jimmy kimmel live" now has its very own app. here now with all the details, guillermo, who apparently isn't here. hold on a second. ♪ >> hello? jimmy? >> jimmy: where are you? we're waiting on you to start the show. >> sorry, i am too busy enjoying the "jimmy kimmel live" app to talk right now. good-bye. [ laughter ] ay yi yi. jimmy worries too much. doesn't he realize that whether i am here. or here. or here. the show is always with me on my ipad, iphone and ipod touch. thanks to "jkl" app. i can watch video from the show anywhere, on the go, and i can read jimmy's hilarious personal tweets. [ laughter ] boy, that jimmy sure is a great guy.

"jimmy kimmel live." tonight, paris hilton and ashley hebert and national spelling bee champ and music from sara bareilles with cleto and the cletones. and now why not, here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nice. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the program. thanks for being here. seated and just as i like you. we were off last night. we usually do a show but we had a special prime time nba show and missed out on a lot of important wiener jokes. tonight i vow to make that up to you. in case you haven't heard

>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live" game night. tonight -- mike tyson's tattoo review. jimmy talks to kids about basketball. and pop-a-shot with blake griffin. and now jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there, it's me. thank you for watching our annual primetime game night special. i'm jimmy. tonight, game one of the nba finals between the miami heat and the dallas mavericks. and fans of both teams are fired up, i'll tell you. this is the scene in miami, where pandemonium meets metamucil. [ laughter ] and tonight, not a hip will go unbroken. by the way, this is the first year the finals will be decided by audience voting. first, the teams will play, and then the winner will be determined by a combination of the final score and text messaging, so don't forget to vote. [ laughter ] both thehe h and the heat made short work of their opponents in the conference finals. this has been a dream come true for lebron james and a nightmare for his former fans in cleveland, ohio. lebron has been called an ingrate, a traitor. i h

for "jimmy kimmel live" game night, i'm marv albert. g home. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. i want to thank katie couric, big baby davis, ry car toe. join us tonight after "nightline," with paris hilton, ashley, "the bachelorette," sara bareilles, and i go head to head with the new 13-year-old national spelling bee champion. thank you for watching. we'll be back in primetime again thursday night. stay tuned for game four of the nba finals. good night.

>> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live: game night." tonight, jimmy talks to kids about basketball and nba stars lamarcus aldridge and greg oden face off against evan turner and andre iguodala. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: he's right. here i am. behind my desk and welcome to our "game night" special, tonight game three of the nba finals between the dallas mavericks and the miami heat from the american airlines center where the mavericks play which is not to be confused with the american airlines arena in miami where the heat play. unbelievable, this american airlines they have two arenas, we can't get one bag of peanuts out of them. the mavericks are happy to be at home. yeah, home court advantage is a funny thing. ultimately you're playing the same game. the court is the same, the baskets are the same but you do get an edge because you're more comfortable at home. you get to sleep in your own bed, the fans are rooting for you. even the announcers in the arena, when you're at home you get a big introduction but when you're on

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, hold on, here's jimmy kimmeleers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, thank you very much. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. thank you for washing yourselves before you came. good hygiene is very important to me. tonight from dallas, texas, game five of the nba finals here on abc. the pressure tonight squarely on lebron james' tattooed shoulders. lebron scored only eight points in the fourth game. he only took one shot in the fourth quarter. just to put that in perspective, kobe bryant took more shots for the heat in the fourth quarter of the game and he's on the lakers. i think it's the halftime as we tape the show. it's been quite a series for the mavericks' dirk nowitzki. he might get his own space jam movie after this thing. he scored 21 points a game in game four despite having a cold and fever. which, there is no sadder sight than a giant german with the sniffles. the worst part of a seven-foot player with 101-degree fever is? taking their temperature. you actua

is this "jimmy kimmel?" >> this is "jimmy kimmel." >> watch your back, jimmy kimmel. with ron artest. >> jimmy: we're back with i will send this to shelley. yeah. and i can have a proposal to you within half an hour. we're a small business. with 27 of us always in the field, we have to stay connected. we use verizon tablets, smartphones. we're more responsive. there are no delays. delays cost money. with verizon, we do things quicker and more effectively. more small businesses choose verizon wireless than any other wireless carrier because they know the small business with the best technology rules. a... vo... ca.... do. staying on track never tasted so good. give it a try. [ female announcer ] a-vo-ca-do is a go at subway. savor the turkey & bacon avocado: tender turkey and crispy bacon with cool, creamy avocado. try avocado on any of your favorites for optimum deliciousness. subway. the official training restaurant of michael phelps... carl edwards... michael strahan... apolo ohno... and athletes everywhere. discover visine® tired eye relief with hydroblend™, only f

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: my plan this weekend is to barbecue everything in sight. nothing is safe. hide your kids, hide your wallets. when i'm done, i want my backyard to look like a zoo caught fire. >> dicky: kevin knnealon. dave salmoni. >> jimmy: oh, m my god. >> dicky: and music from parachute.li ♪ mmm. oh gosh. oh dear. big deal. you're delicious. so what. i've got news for you. there's no such thing... ...as a bear sheriff. you think i'm afraid of you? hey what? you don't have to be mean to the ke. i do. you don't. i do. just eat yoplait light. they have great flavors like... boston cream pie, raspberry cheesecake. even though i work here, i've lost weight. wow. yeah. carry on. (announcer) 28 delicious flavors at around 100 calories each. >> jimmy: hi, i'm "jimmy kimmel live" with a word about the star of abc's newed ed adventure rea series "expedition impossible." the 2011 ford explorer. right now, you can submit your idea for a chance to win your dream adventure at explorergodo.com. our pal guillermo went on an adventure of his own to n

we'll get roger in here. >> jimmy kimmel. >> i have a joke. >> go! resentative anthony weiner pleasure himself with one hand? >> jimmy: i don't know roger, why does he pleasure himself with one hand? >> because the other one is busy tweeting about it. >> jimmy: oh okay. >> that is funny because there is much root to it. >> jimmy: that is a good one. that is -- >> roger has done it again. >> jimmy: he certainly has. i'll use that. thank you very much guys. i tell you something -- 45 cents, very well spent. [ applause ] hey -- you guys remember that lady oprah who used to be on tv in the afternoon? i've been worried sick about her since she left us last week without any warning at all. she finally checked in with a facebook post yesterday. she wrote, now finally away on vaca. relaxing. trying not to eat too much. had two slices of the best pizza ever in life today. whif truffle. had to stop myself. could have eaten the whole thing. you know, in the catholic church, it's considered a miracle if oprah comes to you in white truffle pizza. seeing that reall

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: here i am, i'm jimmy kimmel. welcome to my home. it's wonderful to have you tonight. game six of the nba finals between the dallas mavericks and the miami heat. and make no mistake about it, this one comes down to whichever team is better at getting the basketball into that round metal thing -- [ laughter ] -- the hoop. yeah. what a series. this has been one of the most exciting finals ever. every game is so close. and i'm talking oprah and gayle close. really, really close. [ laughter ] i have not seen a finals series like this since the great cook versus archuleta battle of the davids back in 2008. [ laughter ] i don't -- remember that rap song by kurtis blow that goes, basketball is my favorite sport, i like the way they dribble up and down the court? it seems like a weird part of the game to like. [ laughter ] the dribbling, up and down the court, right? the series tonight returns to miami. charles barkley went on record to say, miami fans in his opinion are the worst fans in the league. he says they're not l

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: charlie sheen winter. and a schwarzenegger-weiner spring. one can only wonder which celebrity will take us through the summer. >> dicky: eva mendes. >> can i say [ bleep ] on tv? >> dicky: jim floral enteen. and music from pit buhl. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with exciting news. the new season of "true blood" is here, exclusively on hbo. if you aren't among the 13 million people who watch "true blood" every week, it is the tale of bon tom, a cajun town that's chock full of vampires and sookie, the telepathic human-fairy waitress and bill, her 174-year-old on-again, off-again vampire boyfriend. true blood has it all -- romance, suspense, mystery, humor, and best of all, lots of naked nudity. lots of naked nudity. ♪ >> boo! i am a bampire! >> jimmy: you are a what? what are you? >> yes, i am a bampire. >> jimmy: oh, a bampire. >> and i'm here to drink your blood. >> jimmy: get back, bampire. these are garlic fries. >> oh, garlic fries? >> jimmy: yes. you want some? >> yeah. >> jimmy: then take out your t

jimmy kimmel!ers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very nice. welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. i'm a little bit under the weather tonight. you know how you get a cold, the first thing you do is find someone to blame it on, decide who gave it to you, though you have no way of really knowing that for sure, and then you hate them quietly? well, i think i got this cold from someone in our studio audience. i probably shook somebody's hand last week. so, tonight, i'm going to give it back to our studio audience. how should we do this? do you want to be licked, or -- i think i'll work up a huge sneeze to spray as many of you as possible and then maybe you will learn not to make my sick anymore. sometimes i have to get tough. i'll do that later. i want to wish everyone a happy flag day. today was flag day. flag day is -- i think flag day is the only holiday where we don't get drunk to celebrate. flag day, of course, commemorates the adoption of the flag by the united stat

jimmy kimmel!ers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. that's very nice. thank you. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here tonight. it's the first week of summer. who else is wearing a bathing suit for underwear right now? hey, here's a fun idea. this is a good activity for the family. find someone who uses summer as a verb, as in, we schumer in the hamptons, and punch them in the face. it feels great and it helps the community, too. for many school children around the country this is the last week of school. i loved the last week of school. i love the last week of anything, really. i do. saying good-bye to the kids that you like but you don't like enough to hang around with during the summertime, writing dumb things in each other's yearbooks. do they do that still or are they texting things to the yearbook now? omg, see you -- here's some advice for the kids. only nerds actually do their summer reading. it's true. you decide. [ applause ]

. >> dicky: tonight on an all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy: send them on myspace where no one willrette ashley hebert. >> i gave him a shot. >> jimmy: your judgment is not that good. >> concentrate. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, paris hilton and ashley hebert and national spelling bee champ and music from sara bareilles with cleto and the cletones. and now why not, here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nice. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the program. thanks for being here. seated and just as i like you. we were off last night. we usually do a show but we had a special prime time nba show and missed out on a lot of important wiener jokes. tonight i vow to make that up to you. in case you haven't heard anthony wiener spent time dodging questions whether underpants were his. it turns out they were indeed his and he had a press conference at which he claimed that he meant to sent the photo privately to a college student in seattle as a joke. and instead he accidentally sent it to everyone. i think the joke is funnie

with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's jimmy kimmel live and now, wait a minute, here's jimmy kimmel!applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, cleto. well, hello there. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. most of all, i want to thank you for leaving in an hour. i like to say that in advance so we don't have stragglers. i hope the fathers in our audience had a good father's day. yesterday was father's day. a day on which dads across the country are remained through crappy gifts how much more their children love mommy. [ laughter ] do you know people on average spend $35 less on their father for father's day than they do on mom for mother's day? that is a rip. why is that? my son didn't get me anything for father's day. my daughter gave me a shirt. and then my son said, i'll get you something in mexico. he's going to mexico. [ laughter ] i swear. i told him, the only thing i want from mexico, i already got and he's standing right there by the door. [ cheers and applause ] my real son. so we went to see the x-men movie and

ready, here's jimmy kimmel!] >> jimmy: thank you. thanks, everybody. thank you. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being so present. [ cheers and applause ] i know a lot of you are visiting here from out of town. what a great weekend it was. the weather, it was beautiful, right, here in l.a. [ applause ] friday night after work, i changed into a no fear tank top and dolphin shorts and i did not take them off till 8:00 this morning. that's how good -- it's great when the weather's nice. it's important not to forget the sun is a cancer-filled devil orb and it will not rest until it kills us. most doctors are now saying children should be kept in the basement in front a playstation 3 for the duration of the summer. so please be careful. you know, we're very lucky to have such good weather. there was majored thering in rockland, county, new york, over the weekend. the worst flooding in over a decade. or the best flooding in over a decade. i don't know how you'd put it. there w

. >> dicky: tonight on an all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy: send them on myspace where no one will notice. >> dicky: bachelorette ashley hebert. >> i gave him a shot. >> jimmy: your judgment is not that good. >> concentrate.h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@h@

. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: sorry is show isn't funny tonight. i got struck by lightning. >> dicky: jason bateman. >> can i have a triple segment to tell you about it? >> dicky: dhani jones. and comedian hannibal buress. >> jimmy: there's ♪ [ male announcer ] nature valley sweet & salty nut bars... they're made from whole roasted nuts and dipped in creamy peanut butter... ♪ ...making your craving for a sweet & salty bar... ♪ ..rresistible. by nature valley. ♪ >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with news about the bud light port paradise cruise with two cruise ships, 4,000 shipmates and one private caribbean island. it might be the best time you never want to talk about. we go now to guillermo, who's sailing the high seas. how is it going out there, guillermo? ♪ >> oh, hi, jimmy. thank you for sending me on the port paradise cruise. i'm having the time of my life. i just wish my chihuahuas paco and pepe were here with me. i hope they're doing okay. [ phone ringing ] [ barking ] hola. paco and pepe, how are you? [ barking ] si. i miss you too. do not b

. >> dicky: up next on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: steven tyler really is something. i haven't seen an old lady this sexed up on tv since mrs. roper. >> dicky: jesse tyler ferguson. >> me and my boyfriend met melissa rivers at this birthday party -- >> jimmy: you're gay? i was not informed of this. >> dicky: sarah vowell. >> i like excellence. >> jimmy: who doesn't? >> dicky: and maybach music group featuring rick ross. >> jimmy: i want you to know, unlike that quitter oprah, i'm here for you. >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live," coming up ne >>> i'm jimmy kimmel with guillermo. with a word about empires and allies, an addictive new game from zinga, who brought you farmville. empires and allies is a social strategy combat game you play on facebook. >> that's right. you get to choose if you wish -- >> jimmy: what? >> if you wish, warn on your friends, or protect them from your enemies. >> jimmy: have you played the game? >> jimmy, i did not just play it. i live it. >> once upon a time in a beautiful far-away eye land paradise, there was an evil invasion. >> we will defeat ou

"jimmy kimmel live," coming up next. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- christina aguilera. mike tyson. and music from big sean. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, once and for all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. you know, i tell you, i was -- i was laying in bed this morning -- >> wow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is it laying in bed or is it lying in bed? i was in bed on my back telling my girlfriend something that isn't true at all and -- lying, right? and i started thinking about oprah, remember her? that lady who used to have the show? whatever happened to her? by the way, do you think oprah is collecting unemployment? [ laughter ] if i was oprah, my first day, i would go to the laundromat today, just to freak people out. do a load, you know? but i miss oprah already. i finally understand how that kid on "two and a half men" feels without a mom. [ laughter ] i really do. and you know

and music from foster the people. >> when the world end, walmart is closed. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. with a message from bud light. you could win a trip to a big-time ufc event in new orleans. >> yes, jimmy, it's more than just a ufc event, it is an experience. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> the grand prize include round trip airfare to new orleans, two nights hotel, tickets to a -- concert, meat and greet with ufc personality. >> jimmy: for people would don't know what ufc is, please explain. >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] okay, jimmy, come over here for a demonstration. >> jimmy: i'll stay right here. you go ahead and do the demonstration on your own. >> i'm going to need somebody from the studio audience. >> jimmy: all right, pick a member of our audience, that lady right there. >> come over here. >> jimmy: what's going to happen now? >> all right, ufc feature mixed martial arts like punching, kicking and choking. no, i was just joking. you get it? i was just joking about choking you. you get it, jimmy? >> jimmy: yeah, i do get it. >> the bud light ufc battle on the bayou. go to face

>> let's take a look outside, something like jimmy kimmel would have. warm tuesday and wednesday, that would be today and tomorrow. cooling really hits the coast and spreads inland by friday. >> all right. thank you very much. mrs. obama is on the bridge heading into san francisco. we leave you with that..........

. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live," jm. >> jimmy: at this point lebron james could have shot bin laden. >> elle fanning. john henson. >> jimmy: why do you have handcuffs in your car? >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, elle fanning from "wipeout," john henson, and music from gruff rhys, with cleto and the cletones, and now, can you believe it, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you, cleto. thanks for watching. thanks for being here. it's a pleasure to have you. as you probably know, we talked about a little bit before the program, last night, the dallas mavericks beat the miami heat to win their first nba title. [ applause ] >> jimmy: from dallas or just hate lebron james? i didn't see the game. i got very wrapped up in the tonys. you know, the tony awards were on opposite the finals last night. did you see what abc sports did to keep musical fans around? >> now, your miami heat! he plays power forward and champion fiddler on the roof, number one, the diva herself chris bosh. shooting gu

. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: al qaeda today announced they found a replacement for osama bin laden. thanks to all of you who called in and texted your votes. >> dicky: cedric the entertainer. >> jimmy: you are in a big movie coming up. >> i play lamar in this movie. >> jimmy: black guy? >> dicky: futurist ray kurzweil. >> this is part of me. i would like to put it in my body. >> jimmy: i can get it in there. sunday will be a good day for arnold schwarzenegger. this year, he get sli >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- cedric the entertainer. inventor and futurist ray kurzweil. and music from breathe carolina. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, in all honesty, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. thank you, cleto. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming out to see us. i'm here to entertain you and i hope i succeed. you know this isn't the screening for "mr. popper's penguins," right? father's day is on sunday. i

and now, take my word for it, here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very nice host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. i want to say to each of us, congratulations on surviving the apocalypse this weekend. did any of you die over the weekend? i didn't. at least i don't think i did. maybe i did. maybe this is hell. is omarosa the guest tonight? then no, this is not hell. whew. i'm actually kind of upset the rapture didn't happen on saturday. i gave my beanie baby collection up for no reason at all. at first i felt bad for the people who sold everything they owned to prepare for the apocalypse but then i was thinking about it and i realized they're idiots. [ laughter ] even if the world did end, what are you going to do with the money you got? when the world ends, walmart is closed. [ laughter ] so then i felt a lot better about the whole thing. the guy who predicted the end of the world, harold camping, he's an evangelical christian radio host. boy, is his face red. his followers spent a lot of money trying to get the word out about the ap

jimmy kimmel!d applause ] >> jimmy: that's very nice. hi there. i'm jimmy, thanks for coming. thank you for watching. i hope you had a great three-day memorial day weekend. i did. yesterday i barbecued noah's ark. i had two of every animal. i made hamburgers baby back ribs salmon ohno. what else? lobster tails, chickens under a brick. a snuffleupagus. i was a real gwyneth paltrow yesterday. next year, i'm thinking i might invite some guests. yesterday, americans here and around the world hopefully took a moment to remember the brave men and women who grave their lives so we could go to the movies and see ken jeong's penis again in "the hangover." that movie grossed $137 million, which is the biggest opening for a comedy ever. i went to see that. i also did something i've never done before. have any of you ever gone, ah, swimming? really great. [ applause ] i can't recommend it highly enough. i was doing this and i did this for a little while. awesome. tonight on abc, game one of the nba finals betw

. >> let's take a look outside, something like jimmy kimmel would have.m tuesday and wednesday, that would be today and tomorrow. cooling really hits the coast and spreads inland by friday. >> all right. thank you very much. mrs. obama is on the bridge heading into san francisco. we leave you wit ♪ ♪ stay inside? nah. not when you have a five-star overall vehicle score for safety. one more reason chevy traverse delivers more.

we caught up with katie on "t jimmy kimmel show." >> reporter: katie couric ends weeks of speculationi started at abc news, as a desk assistant. the lowest person on the totem poll in 1979, after a graduated from college. at the time, i was xeroxing, making coffee. watching ham sandwiches for frank reynolds. >> reporter: couric will host and produce her own nationally syndicated talk show. >> i don't aspire to be the next oprah. i just aspire to put on a good show that's compelling and informative and fun to watch. all of the pieces came together. i like the executives of abc. we have a new executive of the news division, jim sherwood, who wants to do good things for the news division. and is aware that the landscape is shifting. >> reporter: as part of her new agreement, she will also join abc news this summer. >> one of the appealing things about abc news is there's so many platforms and so many places to do good work. so, i hope that they'll all utilize me. i hope i'll be able to use lite them. but hopefully, it will reflect my really wide-ranging interests. >> reporter: couric's a

. >> let's take a look outside, something like jimmy kimmel would have.arm tuesday and wednesday, that would be today and tomorrow. cooling really hits the coast and spreads inland by friday. >> all right. thank you very much. mrs. obama is on the bridge heading into san francisco. we leave you with that.......... honey, we've got tickets to the game, so we're going to need a sitter on saturday night. i almost forgot. we're having dinner together on friday for dad's 65th birthday. maybe i'll ask my parents to baby sit. are you sure you want to go there? you're right. ♪ born to be wild ♪ born to be wild [screaming] who's going to watch them? for you, baby sitting is just a figure of speech. that's why we've created medicare solutions that are just right for you. we have plans with monthly premiums as low as $0, the freedom to choose any doctor who accepts medicare, and that lets you talk to a live person when you call 65. it's just a number, so remember to call ours when you're ready to talk. call anthem today at...

stay tuned for your late local news, "nightline" and "jimmy kimmel live" on the east coast.tching abc, home of the nba finals. >> the challenge came. dallas answered. miami's roaring flame of confidence flickers but still burns. the deadlock will be broken. game five, thursday. fire inssive apartment carrollton. out about a:30. this is a video from news copter 30. people were taken off to the hospital for injuries. displacedf people are at this hour. this fast-moving blaze much of this a very large inrtment complex behind me carrollton. compelling image is 120 residents who have been displaced. they are waiting for word on go for thewill night. fire street to the apartments tuesday night. some residents literally jumped from balcony's. >> it started on top of where i live at. she saw smoke billowing into sky and rushed home to her mother. blazes of smoke or going. i had to look for my mother. she said fire was coming through the roof. prince george's fire officials say it erupted in a level unit in this styletory garden apartment. the fire quickly spread. he snapped a this e

. >> reporter: hundreds of thousands of readers every month it including jimmy kimmel. so much he hired him to write for his late-night talk show when it first launched. what's the one thing you know about bill that people don't know? >> bill's not a good athlete. a sports watching guy should be his name. >> reporter: he's been called worst. cranky commentator keith olbermann has writ than simmons has no discernible insight or talent. simmons called olbermann a pious unlikable blow-hard who lives alone. there are people in the world who don't like what you do. >> i think it's law of averages. if you have a lot of reader you have a lot of people who don't like reading you. >> reporter: simmons seemed to be having the last laugh with an umpire that keeps growing, launching a new website this week called grantland.com which will showcase a power host roster of writers including cluck klosterman. >> the new website is going to be 70% sports 30% pop culture. it's going to try to fill in some of the voids i feel like are out there. >> reporter: you're not the sports guy anymo

stay tuned for your late local news, "nightline" and "jimmy kimmel live" on the east coast.tching abc, home of the nba finals. >> the challenge came. dallas answered. miami's roaring flame of confidence flickers but still burns. the deadlock will be broken. game five, thursday. >> oh my god, the smell is unbearable. >> tonight, a woman said she was accidentally evicted instead of her neighbor. the questions that she said she couldn't answered until we started making calls. >> there were a lot of tears shed here. >> their beloved dog was shot and killed police say by a neighbor. was this an aggressive animal or a neighborhood dispute? >> and don't be forced to spend more money just to use or plastic. avoid those minimum purchase requirements. abc news at 11 starts right now. the mac first off, that was a great basketball game that you just watch. thanks for staying with us because now we are going to tell you about a heat alert. it's not summer yet but the heat index could soon be in the triple digits. two people have died because of the sweltering temperatures. >> and now in

there'll be a special edition of "jimmy kimmel live." tip off is 9:00. then join us for abc7 news at 11. >>> jennifer hansen is back in the headlines. how she is helping us improve our health. >> the fighting against speeding carry tickets. the way you could get out of a hefty fine. >> the flames are >>> a fast-moving wildfire torching parts of arizona has gotten worse. the fire is the second largest in the state's history. >> that fire may now be spreading to neighboring states. >> the smoke is visible from several states away. the wall of fire has grown to 355,000 square miles. it has burned more than 200,000 acres and has declared a state of emergency. the wind died down briefly but it forecast picked back up to more than 30 miles per hour. that coupled with extreme heat and dry conditions, it is easy to see why authorities say it is a 0% contained in a threatening to spill over. >> trees in new mexico have started to carve out a fire lines. many residents are not waiting to see what happens. they are loading up with what few possessions they can pack

. >> date occurred did the interview on the set of the jimmy kimmel show, that's why there was the washerer in the shot. >> we welcome her to abc. >>> the european e. coli outbreak has now reached canada. officials say in ontario man recently who visited germany is the country's for suspected case of e. coli connected to that outbreak. the man is recovering now but the americans killed 22 people. if investigators are still looking for the source of the e. coli. >>> a man in oklahoma is safe after nearly being buried in a landslide of wheat. two containers full of millions of dollars worth of it collapsed on sunday. the manager and jumped in his truck and sped away just in time. it poured out of the container creating a cloud of dust. the cleanup is under way. >>> hundreds of tourists are flocking to south dakota to see flood control techniques at work. look at that. people are coming from all over to watch millions of gallons of water poured from a peaceful way. the army corps of engineers is releasing the water to keep sliding further down the missouri river. they have made a special par

the set of jimmy kimmel's show. >> that is the news for this half hour..com. >>> this morning on "world news now" -- political challenge. former massachusetts governor mitt romney's surprising showing in our new poll.e of hum >> that's ear. was not doing the interview in her basement. in her laundry room. the set of jimmy kimmel's show. >> that is the news for this rlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlrlr

jimmy kimmel with another new how. > come and get it! kate plus 8.8. nredefining the thing with eno. >> how funny was that skit jay did? >> really funny. > did you really want to torch that desk? >> no. ot at all. ually i left with a lot of good feelings and a lot of pride.e. >> the big rumor is that you and matt were going to do a show ogether. >> that is something we talked about. maybe one day in the future we would reunite. >> who better to get the world ccording to. irst up, congressman ner. > they say the cover-up is orse than the crime. think he would be fascinating to talk to and to really understand a little bit why he ade the decisions he made. >> she may get her chance when her new show starts next >> thank you. > a big thank you to christina guilera. catch h christina tonight on nbc nd of course vote team christina. thank you so much. captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- ng about. weiner-gate of course. continues to go on. the congressman of course admitted to exchanging those risque photos which by the way, kel

night with jimmy fallon" and "the tonight show with jay leno," "late show with david letterman," "jimmy kimmelth craig ferguson," "the daily show with jon stewart," "the colbert report," "chelsea lately," "lopez tonight," "conan," "morning joe," and every morning radio show in america. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ thank you, miami heat logo, for looking like the inside of a taco bell toilet. [ cheers and applause ] there you have it, those are my thank you notes! we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ host: could switching to geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance? host: what, do you live under a rock? man: no way! man: hey rick check this out! anncr: geico. 15 minutes could save 15% or more on car insurance. i know, right! ♪ what happens now? [ male announcer now, go to subway for a taste of avocado and play the grab the green sweepstakes. you could win $100,000! subway. where winners eat. you could win $100,000! i'm gonna need my biggest player. a change in the lineup? [ female announcer ] one bottle of ultra dawn has the grease-cleaning power of two o

resignation may help purge all those puns -- let's get that word out of our system with the help of jimmy kimmell which we've taken the liberty of putting to music. >> weiner. >>